Straight-Jacket

Guy Stone:
You're like a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body.

Jerry:
I am not a lesbian.

Guy Stone:
Yes, and Agnes Moorhead is just a tomboy.

Freddie Stevens:
Beat it, you whore!

Victor:
In here, ma'am.

Jerry:
You know I hate it when you call me that.

Victor:
I find it a bit of a stretch myself.

Sally:
Victor, why did you hire so many homosexual waiters?

Victor:
Because that's the only kind!

Saul Ornstein:
[reading a newspaper:] Yuval Reissman died; that's too bad.

Jerry:
[tsk-ing:] You always go straight for the obituaries.

Saul Ornstein:
That's the only part of the trades I can read without getting jealous.

Guy Stone:
[at breakfast, looking at his toast:] There isn't any butter on this, is there?

Victor:
There hasn't been a stick of butter in this house since you dragged that trainee milkman upstairs.

Guy Stone:
What's the point of being famous if you can't use it to get laid?

Viola:
[a prostitute, seeing Guy drive up, before she recognizes him:] Hey, baby, you wanna - [recognizes him, smirks] oh, never mind.

Guy Stone:
Evening, Viola. How's business?

Viola:
Three so far today.

Guy Stone:
Amateur.

Viola:
Hey, baby. You want a date?

Freddie Stevens:
No, But I'll take a blow job.

Viola:
I'll take a ten.

Freddie Stevens:
Five.

Viola:
Ten.

Freddie Stevens:
Seven.

Viola:
Ten.

Freddie Stevens:
Eight-fifty.

Viola:
Ten.

Freddie Stevens:
Nine-twenty-five.

Viola:
Ten.

Freddie Stevens:
Okay.

Guy Stone:
Um, what do you do for fun?

Sally:
Watch Guy Stone movies.

Guy Stone:
Really? Me too.

Sally:
Oh, and I'm taking an acting class from the prestigious Tom Hertz.

Guy Stone:
Ah, Tom, sure.

Sally:
You take from him?

Guy Stone:
Sometimes I'm the student, sometimes I'm the teacher. So, you wanna be an actress?

Sally:
Oh, gosh, no. Actresses are whores.

Jerry:
[picks up phone, knows that it's Guy calling again:] You CAN'T get out of the marriage.

Guy Stone:
Jerry! She is destroying my house, Jerry. She's giving away my things and she's always hovering with a tray of this God-awful lemonade.

Jerry:
Your "Ben-Hur" contract stipulates TWELVE MONTHS of matrimony.

Guy Stone:
I'm not going to make it Jerry. Where we're at home... she takes advantage.

Jerry:
What? You slept with her? What was it like?

Guy Stone:
Terrible! She's a total "bottom."

Guy Stone:
[trying to hurry Sally out the door:] Now you mustn't be late for Bernice.

Sally:
I hate her stupid women's group. Barbara Stanwyck is such a bully. And that Edith Head... [shudders a bit] just stares at me.

Victor:
[clearing Rick's plate:] Finished, sir?

Rick Foster:
Yes. It's "Rick."

Guy Stone:
No, let him call you "sir," otherwise he blows his paycheck on escorts.

Saul Ornstein:
[seeing an electric organ in the middle of his office:] What the hell?

Sally:
It's Guy's birthday present. They're oodles of fun at parties. I needed someplace to hide it.

Saul Ornstein:
A lot full of empty stages, and you pick here?

Sally:
Well, this is just were they delivered it. I was gonna move it myself, but it was too heavy on account of I had it done in walnut because that's more masculine. Do you suppose Guy will like it?

Saul Ornstein:
Will Guy like a masculine organ? I think that's a safe bet.

Victor:
[to Guy:] Sir, if I may: Mr. Foster is a man of much higher caliber than you deserve. If I were you, I'd stop worrying about how to cut him loose and I'd start worrying about how to keep him. Because letting him go will be a mistake that will haunt you until your miserable, lonely, alcohol-soaked death.

Victor:
Every life builds toward, and then radiates from, a single moment.

Ray Verrine:
Mr. Stone, are you now or have you ever been a homosexual communist? Are you or have you, Mr. Stone?

Guy Stone:
Yes.

Ray Verrine:
And are you personally aware of others, like yourself, working in the motion picture industry?

Guy Stone:
Yes, I am.

Ray Verrine:
Please state their names for the record.

Guy Stone:
I am what you say, and so are many of my peers. So what?

Ray Verrine:
I just need their names, Mr. Stone.

Guy Stone:
This is the only way I can help you, Ray. Because movies, for all their cornball reactionary idiocy, show us life as it might be, if only we could live up to our ideals. Movie characters are honest, and loyal, and brave. They sacrifice themselves for those they love. They are proud of the qualities that make them individuals. They stand up for what's right, no matter the odds, or consequences. Movie characters, in short, would not care who plays them. But I guess there's a reason we pay money to see people like that. In a way I wish I could give you 10 million names today, because then 10 million people could stop hiding and living in fear. And the rest of you would discover wonderful new sides to people you thought you knew. But I can't do that Mr. Verrine, because the main trait that separates my kind from yours is that we mean you no harm. When you can say the same about yourself, you will have earned the privilege of knowing our names.

Moron #2:
Hey, look, it's Guy "fag"!

Guy Stone:
"Gay" Stone, how hard is that?

Sally:
Love is just a big box of chocolate-covered razor blades.

Guy Stone:
We're both gay.

Rick Foster:
Custom dictates we have sex now.

Rick Foster:
I don't mess around on the first date.

Guy Stone:
Are you sure you're gay?

Guy Stone:
You know why they call it 'freedom'? Because nobody's free. And that's dumb.

Guy Stone:
How can they call it a mine when everything is theirs?

Saul:
Where's Stone?

Gerry:
I'm his fag hag, not his mother.