Strangers with Candy

Jerri Blank:
Hello, I'm Jerri Blank and - and I'm an alcoholic. I'm also addicted to amphetamines as well as main line narcotics. Some people say I have a sex addiction, but I think all those years of prostitution was just a means to feed my ravenous hunger for heroin. It's kinda like the chicken or the nugget. The point is, I'm addicted to gambling. Thank you. [meekly] Oh, and... my daddy's in a coma.

Chuck Noblet:
[Repeated Line; said before he cries] Everybody! Eyes to the back of the room!

Jerri Blank:
F*ggot.

Chuck Noblet:
What did you just call me?

Jerri Blank:
Well, what did you hear?

Chuck Noblet:
I'd rather not repeat it.

Jerri Blank:
Then I guess we'll never know.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
You pushed me away!

Chuck Noblet:
I wasn't pushing you away, I was pulling me toward myself.

Brason:
Monica's having a party do you want to be my date?

Jerri Blank:
I want your spermies!

Brason:
I'll take that as a yes.

Jerri Blank:
But my daddy's in a coma!

Chuck Noblet:
Go tell the grief counselor. She's supposed to care.

Roger Beekman:
What's going on Geoffrey? I have work to do. Why aren't you doing it?

Chuck Noblet:
Obviously he stole our idea!

Principal Blackman:
I don't see how he could've stolen it if I saw his first.

Jerri Blank:
It's like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh wait, that was me... The point is, you're a racist.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
In art class today, we decided to break in the new kiln by putting in objects the manual specifically prohibits! I can see why 'car battery' is on the top of the list. I get it now.

Henry:
YOU WHORE!

Chuck Noblet:
Well, to expand the number of students involved in the science fair, I'm gonna weed out the best and the brightest to be the team to make just ONE project that will make Roger Beekman look like a fool!

Megawatti Sacarnaput:
Well that doesn't involve more students. It involves less.

Chuck Noblet:
WELL LOOK AT YOU ADDING AND SUBTRACTING! WELL I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU! THIS ISN'T MATH, IT'S SCIENCE!

Megawatti Sacarnaput:
Are you thinking about entering the science fair?

Jerri Blank:
I'm thinkin' about p*ssy. The science fair's for queers.

Jerri Blank:
Are you as real as the Demon with 100 Eyes?

Jerri Blank:
F*ggot.

Chuck Noblet:
What did you say?

Jerri Blank:
What did you hear?

Chuck Noblet:
I'd rather not repeat it.

Jerri Blank:
Then I guess we'll never know.

Jerri Blank:
You're not my real dad!

Stew:
You're not my real daughter!

Jerri Blank:
[to Tammi] What's shakin', Red? The carpet match the drapes?

Jerri Blank:
I'm just having some cruel fun at your expense! Jeez, I thought you people had thicker skins than that. You know, fighting those tigers in the jungle and all. [pauses] Why doesn't anybody like me?

Jerri Blank:
You cross my chow zone again, you're gonna pull back a bloody stump.

Sara Blank:
How was school today, Derrick?

Derrick Blank:
The coach made me co-captain of the junior varsity squat thrust team!

Jerri Blank:
Way to go, faglick.

Sara Blank:
Jerri, language!

Derrick Blank:
I'll have you know, stump, that the varsity squat thrust team took third in all conference.

Jerri Blank:
And how does that make you not gay?

Derrick Blank:
What are you talking about, troll? We squat together, we spot each other on the workout mat, and we play grab-ass in the showers. How is that gay?

Geoffrey Jellineck:
You look lost. Its okay, you can talk to me. I'm the art teacher. I may be an authority figure, but I have the mind of a child.

Jerri Blank:
Well, today's my first day back at school and I'm a little nervous.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
There's no reason to be nervous. Just remember, the first day of school is the most important day of your whole life. If it doesn't go right, there's no way to get it back. *No way.*

Principal Blackman:
I've got the school board breathing down my neck like a drunken jock at a rufie party

Principal Blackman:
Why would I doctor the books to improve the overall test scores of the student body just so I could collect bonus funds from the state which I willfully misappropriated in order to pay off large gambling debts? It just doesn't add up, Blank!

Chuck Noblet:
Look Geoffrey, I'm glad you stopped by. I'd like you to leave.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
I'm sorry, what's happening?

Chuck Noblet:
It's over.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
What are you saying, Chuck?

Chuck Noblet:
I need more out of this relationship than I'm willing to put in. I think I deserve better, don't you? Hey, I know this is hard on you. It would be hard on me, too, if I broke up with me. I know what you're losing.

Jerri Blank:
Are you the grief counselor?

Grief Counselor Peggy Callas:
Oh, god, it never ends. Have a seat. I should tell you up front, each student gets ten minutes, that last student took fifteen, so you get five.

Jerri Blank:
Well, that's not fair!

Grief Counselor Peggy Callas:
Take it up with Les. He's the one that's frigid.

Jerri Blank:
I'm Jerri Blank and my daddy's in a coma.

Grief Counselor Peggy Callas:
You know what, Jerri? I wish my daddy was in a coma. He's dead, Jerri. He was executed for war crimes, but for insurance purposes, we say he was eaten by wolves. Anyway, my point is, Jerri, somebody's always got it worse.

Stew:
We have cable, right? If you're paying for cable and not watching TV, you're losing money. It's just simple economics.

Sara Blank:
I know what a rusty trombone is; I used to be a stewardess.

Jerri Blank:
[Jerri is narrating, film's title appears onscreen] Stranglers... with... [title disappears]

Jerri Blank:
Hmm. I guess we'll never know.

Jerri Blank:
I can't leave you! You were all like family to me!... well, the white ones at least. The rest of you were more like loyal house servants.

Chuck Noblet:
Guess that makes me hydrogen

Roger Beekman:
What?

Chuck Noblet:
Element number 1

Roger Beekman:
Chuck... you're boron

[after their science fair idea has been stolen by Roger Beekman's team]

Olivia:
Maybe there's still hope.

Chuck Noblet:
Hope? You fool. Don't you know death when you see it? I'm being punished. You have no idea of the terrible things I've done. Curse God and die!

[after seeing Brason for the first time]

Jerri Blank:
God, check out the titties on that arm!

Jerri Blank:
You're such a poo-hole, Derrick.

Derrick Blank:
You're a fat goblin!

Sara Blank:
Derrick...

Derrick Blank:
Well, she is!

Sara Blank:
I KNOW, Derrick. I have eyes.

Roger Beekman:
[trying to remember Chuck Noblet's name] I have a mnemonic device... Crotch Nibblit!

Chuck Noblet:
Chuck Noblet!