Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 1: Homestar Ruiner

Strong Bad:
[at the race track] All right Homestar, I'm not sure why this never occurred to me before, but some French guy said I should beat you up, and I tend to think he's right! Put up your dukes!

Homestar Runner:
Oh, hello, Strong Bad. Are you here to watch the race?

Strong Bad:
[asked by Homestar about the race] A race? You mean like a race-race, race-race-race?

Homestar Runner:
You haven't heard about the Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race? It's only the coolest and most important sporting event in the history of sporting events I'm about to compete in ever!

Strong Bad:
A race, eh? You know, beating you in a race would be almost as much fun as beating you senseless!

Homestar Runner:
I'd like to see you try, Strong Bad. I've been training my twees off for weeks now, and besides, Marzipan has promised me a big victory party after I win.

Strong Bad:
[discussing Homestar's victory party] Did someone say "pwahty"?

Homestar Runner:
Oh, hecks, yeah. Marzipan's putting together a huge party with floats and cake jugglers and balloonmanimals and...

Strong Bad:
And why was I, Lord High Awesomeparty, occasionally known as Strong Bad, not invited?

Homestar Runner:
[whispering] Whisperingly, I don't think Marzipan likes you very much.

Strong Bad:
Bubs!

Bubs:
Strong Bad, shouldn't you be beating the snot out of Homestar or something?

Strong Bad:
How do you know about that?

Bubs:
I'm your internet provider, man. I read all your email!

Strong Bad:
[seeing a bonsai bush] It's Arbor Day, Strongly Brown!

Strong Bad:
[patronizingly; referring to Marzipan's party decorations] Did you make all these decorations?

Marzipan:
That's so sweet of you to ask. Why yes, all of these party decorations were hand-crafted by me, myself, and I. I grew the bamboo for the tiki torches in my underground terrarium, ground the paint pigments for the victory banner from a variety of rose petals in my garden, and completed a three-week course in iron working at the local community college so I could hand-smelt the cute little Homestar float over there.

Strong Bad:
Wow! That's a lotta words!

[Strong Bad finds Homestar in his basement watching the news on the TV]

Strong Bad:
Can we watch something less yokel than local news?

Homestar Runner:
No way, man. I need to keep up-to-date on all the details of my scandalous downfall and nationwide manhunt.

Strong Bad:
Dude, it's a public nudity charge. I've done more scandalous things while buying a pair of brown and tan socks.

Homestar Runner:
[looking at the TV] Look, there I am again! Oh, the shame.

Strong Bad:
All right, Homestar, it's time for you to go. There's no room in the House of Strong for crybabies.

Homestar Runner:
What about Strong Sad?

Strong Sad:
I'm not a crybaby, I'm tormented!

Strong Bad:
Okay, there's room for one crybaby in the House of Strong, and that position's been filled. Out you go!

Homestar Runner:
No way. I'm not leaving until my life is back to the wonderful way it used to be.

Strong Bad:
Good grief, Bubs, you've really let yourself go.

Bubs:
Hey, man, I've got a glandular problem!

Strong Bad:
More like a gravy boat problem.

[Strong Bad is trying to sneak into the King of Town's castle to steal Homestar's criminal record, but has been caught by the Poopsmith]

Strong Bad:
[placing a toilet plunger in the wall] Looks like I'm gonna have to jump!

[He jumps up into a vented ceiling duct above just as Strong Mad arrives]

Strong Mad:
INTRUDER ALERT? [the Poopsmith holds up a sign with a question mark on it] INTRUDER ALERT? [the Poopsmith turns the sign; the other side has three question marks]

Strong Bad:
[from above] It's a good thing Strong Mad doesn't have a neck, or he might be able to look up.

[Strong Bad has successfully "beaten" Homestar in the race and made him a publicly-humiliated criminal fugitive without a girlfriend. He returns to his basement, but finds... ]

Homestar Runner:
[sadly] Oh, hey, Strong Bad.

Strong Bad:
*Homestar*? What the crap are you doing in my hallowed halls?

Homestar Runner:
Now that I'm a publicly humiliated criminal fugitive without a girlfriend, you're the only friend I've got, so I'm gonna go ahead and crash here for a couple of weeks or years until I put my life back together.

[Strong Bad looks toward the ceiling and raises his fist in fury]

Strong Bad:
[yelling] *IRONY*!

Strong Bad:
[deleting an email] Survey says... Deleted!

Strong Bad:
[deleting an email] El deleto grande!

[Strong Bad has stolen Homestar's clothes while he showers in the locker room. Then Homestar sticks his head out the locker room door]

Homestar Runner:
[softly] Strong Bad? Buddy? Oh, boy... [he steps outside, completely naked]

Coach Z:
[flinching at Homestar's sight] Whoa, mama!

The King of Town:
[running from Homestar's sight] Aieee!

[Pom Pom, bubbling, hides from Homestar in a bush, then flees]

[Strong Bad, disguised as Homestar, runs the Race to the End of the Race very poorly, but everyone thinks he actually is Homestar]

Coach Z:
Wow, Homestar, that was one of the worst performances I've ever seen in the Race to the End of the Race. You should be downright ashamed! [Pom Pom bubbles] Yeah, and embarrassed!

Strong Bad:
[mimicking Homestar] I guess I was just too clumsy, lame, and not-cool to win...

Coach Z:
You said a mouthful, youngster! Pom Pom, step into my office. We got to fill out a bunch of paperwork before we can send the tape off to the judges. [Pom Pom bubbles and follows Coach Z offscreen; Marzipan walks up]

Marzipan:
There you are, you insensitive party-pooping pyromaniac! You and I are T-H-R-U through! [the King of Town walks up]

The King of Town:
And don't think I've forgotten about your little naked escapade, you currently-giant-headed-hooligan! You'll rue the day you exposed your giblets to a government official!

Strong Bad:
[still mimicking Homestar] Boo me!

[Strong Bad has put Total Load in Strong Mad's locker and Coach Z looks into it]

Coach Z:
Aw, jeez... Hey, Strong Mad!

Strong Mad:
[appearing] OH YEAHHHH!

Coach Z:
What have I told you about using this Total Load Total Body Energy Enhancer Powder stuff?

Strong Mad:
ONLY ON TUESDAYS!

Coach Z:
And what day is it today?

Strong Mad:
UHH... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Coach Z:
Close enough. Now get this stuff outta here, okay?

Strong Mad:
AULD LANG SYNE! [he leaves]

Coach Z:
Now that is one smart kid. Thanks for clearing that up, Strong Bad. Who knows what kinda whatsit-storm Strong Mad woulda unleashed if he went off his schedule!

The King of Town:
Why should I let them eat cake? It's *my* cake!

[Strong Bad has infiltrated the King of Town's castle to steal Homestar's criminal record]

Strong Bad:
Aha! Now for some for-real uninterrupted cat-burglar action! [to his hands] I swear, gloves, this is the last time you'll have to touch evidence of nekkid Homestar. [Strong Mad comes running into the room] Hi there, sailor. [Strong Mad throws Strong Bad out a castle window] Geronimo! [Strong Bad falls and lands on the ground] Ta-daaa! Well, I didn't end up with the bags of cash or the bags of cash-shaped diamonds that I usually score when I cat-burgle, but at least I finally got my gloves on Homestar's stupid criminal record! Now maybe I can get him off my couch and away from my television!

Cheerleader:
Okay gals and gal-related girls! We fit to look...

So and So, What's Her Face:
...so good!

The Ugly One:
The same!

Cheerleader:
...at the Sub-JV basketball game tonight. All the cute boypieces will be there, and maybe sloppy seconds for you!

What's Her Face:
My real dad just bought me a new car because he felt guilty about all the wrongs he done. [shows off the car in question] He bought it at a guh'ment auction! [What's Her Face climbs into the car and starts to drive off in it, but it suddenly explodes]

Strong Bad:
[offscreen] A splode!

[two gangsters stand nearby, watching what had just happened]

Gangster 1:
Mr. Pagliogaglioleri will be very pleased.

Gangster 2:
Nuts.

Coach Z:
Strong Bad, what can I do for you this fine and dandy afternoon?

Strong Bad:
So Coach, what do you have to say about all those rumors of performance enhancing powders, juices and, um, snack cakes being snarfed up by your athletes.

Coach Z:
What do I say? I say you've got a lot of nerve waggling your talk tongue at me like that! In fact, I'll prove my guys are clean by searching through their lockers right now! [goes over to some lockers; looks into one] Let's see... nope, nothing in here, next... [looks into Homestar's locker] Whew, that's a ripe one! Next... [looks into Pom Pom's locker and sees some enhancing powder] Hey now, what's this powder here? [sniffs it] Great Strong Sad's ghost! Pom Pom! [Pom Pom comes up]

Coach Z:
What have you got to say for yourself? [Pom Pom bubbles] Don't give me none o' that bubble-debubble nonsense! I know the irresistably succulent aroma of Total Load Total Body Enhancement Energy Powder when I smell it! [Pom Pom bubbles in protest] No, no, it's too late for that, my friend. The Swedes'll never accept a time from a contestant who's on the Load. Clean out your locker, Pom Pom, you're through! [turns back to Strong Bad, who is now dressed as Homestar] Well, I'll be gorsh-danged, Homestar. With Pom Pom disqualified, it looks like you're the the new Free Country USA Triannual Race to the End of the Race champion! Who'da thunk it?

Strong Bad:
[talking like Homestar] Not me. My tiny Homestar bwain can barewy think at all.

Coach Z:
Well, let's get to filling out those forms for the Swedes... I hope the tape doesn't get erased this time.