Suburban Knights

The Spoony One:
So, it's like LARP'ing?

Nostalgia Critic:
No! That's just a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a fake reward.

The Spoony One:
Well we're a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a real reward.

Nostalgia Critic:
Exactly!

Luke Mochrie:
Yeah, well I'm Canadian!

Film Brain:
That's as British as being Turkish, you tit!

Luke Mochrie:
What are you talking aboot?

Film Brain:
It's 'about', you twat!

JewWario:
Hey! You're Todd in the Shadows, right?

Todd in the Shadows:
Yeah.

JewWario:
I've always wondered what you looked like under that mask- [Todd points a gun] and then he backed away.

Nostalgia Critic:
[to Phelous about his costume] You look like a steroid elephant turd!

Nostalgia Critic:
Don't review it!

Cinema Snob:
[about Indiana Jones] He survived a nuclear explosion by hiding inside of a fridge, if that ain't fantasy I don't know what is.

Larry Prince GNN:
He was described as "emotionally troubled."

Witness:
He was emotionally troubled.

Larry Prince GNN:
Sad. [takes off glasses] Very very sad. And now, [puts glasses back on] on a lighter note, the president has been shot...

Driver:
You look like a cross between The Matrix and the Matrix Reloaded.

[repeated line]

Handsome Tom:
I'm Willow.

Nostalgia Critic:
I can't believe this. We're losing to an After School Special!

Nostalgia Critic:
[as Linkara sings] Hey, Andrew Lloyd F***er, knock it off with Spamalot over there.

Cloak #1:
We have been named... The Cloaks.

Luke Mochrie:
Why do they call you that?

Todd in the Shadows:
Well, obviously because they like wearing go-go boots. What do you think?

Benzaie:
I will crush the p*ssy!

The Spoony One:
Look hun, we no speaky the Miyazaki.

Angry Joe:
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my mother.

Cloak #1:
Father.

Angry Joe:
Somebody!

Angry Joe:
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my lawyer.

Obscurus Lupa:
You'll be a lady and like it!

The Spoony One:
We must make haste to another battlefield! One where parents' permission matters not!

The Spoony One:
Go back to the darkness!

Paw:
Give in to the darkness!

The Spoony One:
Rage will not avail you!

Paw:
Rage... more rage!

8-Bit Mickey:
Thanks, Ma-Ti. You're the best friend a... goatf***er could ask for.

Cloak #2:
[relocating to another "battlefield"] It's not as good as the last one.

Film Brain:
The other one had sand castles.

Cinema Snob:
This is silly.

Ma-Ti:
I will always be there to support you in your taste for beastiality.

Cinema Snob:
Say, you didn't lose the map in the battle, did you?

The Spoony One:
Ha! What sort of half-baked wizard do you take me for?

Cinema Snob:
Do you really want me to answer that?

The Spoony One:
No!

Nostalgia Chick:
[Critic is sitting in a chair with his legs spread, revealing his "gear"] There are certain things... that should be covered... up.

Nostalgia Critic:
[oblivious] I know. That's why I've got the hat.

Nostalgia Chick:
There are... There are certain things that need to remain closed.

Nostalgia Critic:
I know, and I for one respect Chick-fil-A for not serving people on Sunday. I wonder if we can get it so they don't serve Christians.

Cloak #1:
Look into my eyes.

Film Brain:
I can't see your eyes, they're covered up.

Cloak #1:
Oh, well, pretend you can see my eyes.

Film Brain:
Okay.

Cloak #1:
Look into my eyes then. [Film Brain screams like a girl]

Luke Mochrie:
[on the phone with his mother] No, this is a real quest!... No, I won't bring home another dead animal.

MarzGurl:
Chicken humpers!

Angry Joe:
My name is Inigo Montoya, motherf***er!

Cloak #1:
Unleash the fire of a thousand arrows!

Cloak #2:
You mean the machine gun?

Cloak #1:
Yes.

Woman:
[on the phone] And then my dad shot her. It was weird.

Nostalgia Critic:
Phelous! Inspire us! Say something stoic!

Phelous:
I wanna die!

Nostalgia Critic:
Perfect!

Luke Mochrie:
You are an internet reviewer... an internet reviewer...

Film Brain:
I am a brilliant internet reviewer...

Luke Mochrie:
You are an internet reviewer.

JewWario:
Here, grab my ball.

Luke Mochrie:
Okay, I'm going to turn around, and that better be what I think it is.

Film Brain:
We had a car? Why were we walking when we have a car?

Luke Mochrie:
No biggie. You'd do the same for me!

Film Brain:
[awkward pause]... Well, now I would!

Jaffers' Roommate:
You looking for the quest thing? It's over there.

Jaffers' Roommate:
Dude, that's my heart.

That Dude in Suede:
Before we continue, you must defeat me in mortal combat.

Nostalgia Critic:
What?

That Dude in Suede:
Here, hit my sword. [Critic hits Suede's sword with his] Ah, I am defeated.

Film Brain:
Ow! I think I sprained my ankle! Can one of you carry me? [Cut to Cloak #2 carrying Film Brain bridal-style while he prattles on] It's such a wonderful day outside, why don't we skip this guarding tosh and pick some flowers? *gasp* I could make a nice flower garland for you, Cloak #2!

Cinema Snob:
Hi there! We represent "The Broadway Better Business Players For a Brighter Tomorrow". We are trying to start up a petition to get second rate shows taken off the marquee, and with your help we can stop Mamma Mia! from ever playing again.

Chuck Jaffers:
Hey man, I just found out what the internet is. You guys are awesome!

Nostalgia Critic:
That's great, really great. So we cool now?

Chuck Jaffers:
No, I still gotta kill you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Of course.

[repeated line]

Malachite:
What do you think of the 21st century?

[last lines]

Chester A. Bum:
Oh my god, I won a car!

Angry Joe:
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my hamster...

Todd in the Shadows:
Father.

Cinema Snob:
That's not even a person!

Angry Joe:
All right, where's that free - [suddenly sees everyone standing around] NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOO! NOOOOO! Lemme guess, you guys were promised a free car too. [everyone nods in unison] But there is no car, is there? [everyone shakes their head in unison] It's the Nostalgia Critic again, isn't it? [everyone nods in unison] Ahh, god!

Obscurus Lupa:
Don't worry, Joe. We'll get him in his sleep.

Larry Prince GNN:
The actual location of Jaffers still remains a mystery. Sad. Very, very sad. And now, on a lighter note, the president has been shot!

Bennett the Sage:
[in a lion costume] Greetings, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve. I am King Aslan.

[everyone erupts in laughter]

Bennett the Sage:
Oh, shut up!

Nostalgia Critic:
I don't know, Ass-man. I don't think ya got the noive!

Film Brain:
I know your game, Luke Canuck. You are a speck. And I don't even notice you because that's how insignificant you are!

Luke Mochrie:
Well, if I'm so insignificant, why are you bringing this up?

Film Brain:
You're a pea.

Luke Mochrie:
Did you just call me a pea?

Film Brain:
[Holding two fingers close together] This is you. And you're screaming to all the other peas, "Oh, save me! Oh, save me! He's going to eat me!" But I've already eaten the other peas. Om nom nom nom! Hahahahahaha!

Luke Mochrie:
Wow. That's a lot of peas.

Film Brain:
Yeah.

Luke Mochrie:
And... I'm just full of them

Film Brain:
Right.

Luke Mochrie:
I am totally full of pea-ness.

Film Brain:
You got it.

Luke Mochrie:
So... What are you gonna do?

Film Brain:
I will eat your pea-ness! [the rest of the group looks back at Film Brain in disgust] Oh, n-no no no no! I didn't mean that! I didn't mean that! It's just...

Angry Joe:
Yeah, whatever! You go to the back!

Film Brain:
I'm... already at the back

Angry Joe:
Go back further!

Todd in the Shadows:
Hey guys, check me out! 'Tis I, the Dread Pirate Roberts! [Everyone stares at him silently] From The Princess Bride! [They continue to stare] It's Todd.

Everyone:
Ohhhhh!

Nostalgia Critic:
God, this thing is so difficult. Who would've thought a chain letter would be so difficult?

Everyone:
A chain letter?

Nostalgia Critic:
Shouldn't have said that.

Obscurus Lupa:
We've been following a chain letter this whole time?

Handsome Tom:
F***er!

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, it may have come from an anonymous source, but I swear it's legit! Oh, by the way, we have to mail this to 50 or more people or else we get bad luck.

Ominous Voice:
Go no further! Go no further! I am the Watcher in the Woods. I see all.

Nostalgia Critic:
Well, what do you want?

Ominous Voice:
Anyone who wishes to pass must answer three questions correctly. Only then will I allow them admittance. If not, you do not want to know the alternative.

Nostalgia Critic:
Alright. Ask your questions.

Ominous Voice:
Question one: Do you have any money?

Nostalgia Critic:
No.

Ominous Voice:
Do your friends have any money?

Nostalgia Critic:
No.

Ominous Voice:
Is there any place close by where you can get money?

Nostalgia Critic:
Not really, no!

[Chester A. Bum pops out from behind a tree, holding his change cup like a megaphone]

Chester A. Bum:
Okay, you can go.

Nostalgia Critic:
Does that ever work?

Chester A. Bum:
[annoyed] It does for people who have MONEY!