Swimming with Sharks

Dawn:
How about lunch?

Guy:
Well, I'm not allowed to take lunch, Buddy doesn't believe in it.

Buddy:
If they can't start a meeting without you, well, that's a meeting worth going to, isn't it? And that's the only kind of meeting you should ever concern yourselves with.

Buddy:
And now try to follow me, because I'm gonna be moving in a kind of circular motion, so if you pay attention, there will be a point!

Buddy:
And when you're done with her, west lobby, tube dress, stiletto heels, hurry. Fetch!

Buddy:
I told you, it's gotta be loud loud loud! The audience should feel their balls tremble, their ears should bleed!

Buddy:
Loud and nasty, that's the only way it sticks, Dawn.

Buddy:
Say this one time with me: "Would you like that in a pump or a loafer?" ...Good. Now memorize it, because starting tomorrow, the only job that you're going to be able to get is selling SHOES!

Buddy:
No offense to you, but you are just an assistant. Now, granted, you're MY assistant, but still just an assistant. Dawn, on the other hand, is a producer. Her car phone bills are more than your rent. So, just how far do you think you'll get?

Buddy:
You are nothing! If you were in my toilet I wouldn't bother flushing it. My bathmat means more to me than you!

Buddy:
Avoid women directors. They ovulate. Do you have any idea what that does to an three month shoot?

Buddy:
You wanna talk big directors? Think Attenborough, think Spielberg, think Lean.

Guy:
Lean's dead.

Buddy:
No he's not, don't you ever say that. He's just unavailable.

Buddy:
I can appreciate this. I felt the same way you do. My bosses were all sh*t. My jobs sucked. I mean, if you're not a rebel by 21, you've got no heart, and if you haven't gone establishment by 30, you've got not brain.

Buddy:
Before you go out and change the world, you have to ask yourself, "What do you really want?"

Buddy:
Your job is unfair to you? Grow up, way it goes. People use you? Life's unfair? Grow up, way it goes. Your girlfriend doesn't love you? Tough sh*t, way it goes. Your wife gets raped and shot, and they leave their unfinished beers... stinking longnecks just lying there on the... So be it, way it goes.

Buddy:
This is the only way that you can hope to survive. Because life... is not a movie. Everyone lies. Good guys lose. And love... does not conquer all.

Buddy:
You're happy. I hate that!

Rex:
This is not a business, this is show business. Punching below the belt is not only alright, it's rewarded.

Buddy:
What I am concerned with is detail. I asked you go get me a packet of Sweet-N-Low. You bring me back Equal. That isn't what I asked for. That isn't what I wanted. That isn't what I needed and that sh*t isn't going to work around here.

Guy:
I, I just thought...

Buddy:
You thought. Do me a f***ing favor. Shut up, listen, and learn. Look, I know that this is your first day and you don't really know how things work around here, so I will tell you. You have no brain. No judgement calls are necessary. What you think means nothing. What you feel means nothing. You are here for me. You are here to protect my interests and to serve my needs. So, while it may look like a little thing to you, when I ask for a packet of Sweet-N-Low, that's what I want. And it's your responsibility to see that I get what I want.

Buddy:
Life is not a movie. Good guys lose, everybody lies, and love... does not conquer all.

Guy:
That's a bagel stain.

Dawn:
Bagel stain?

Guy:
I put too much cream cheese on Buddy's bagel and he threw it at me. But I learned a very valuable lesson... never put too much cream cheese on Buddy's bagel.

Buddy:
Oh, really? Well, what are we supposed to think? A young, eager producer comes up to the house of a top executive for a midnight rendezvous? She's right, Guy, it's not what you think. She's definitely not selling Girl Scout cookies!

Guy:
I took all your sh*t! I did it--I paid my dues... I spent a whole f***ing year...

Buddy:
...and I spent ten!

Dawn:
Lose the smile. It makes you look like a schmuck.

Dawn:
Talk to Buddy about the yelling. It makes you look like a schmuck.

Guy:
F***! F***! That's it, I'm screwed. It's over.

Rex:
Ah, relax. He always does that. That's his thing. Tomorrow, he'll ask you for an Equal. You can't win. It's a lose-lose situation. The trick is to have everything ready.

Buddy:
Get me packed up, I gotta get to services.

Guy:
What services? Who died?

Buddy:
No one... yet. It's Yom Kippur, you idiot.

Guy:
Oh, I didn't realize Ackerman was a Jewish name.

Buddy:
It's Jewish enough, especially when the big players are involved. [sarcastically] Besides, I have a sudden need to atone for my sins.

Guy:
That's another thing. All this time that I've worked for you, I still don't know a thing about your ex-wife. Jesus, there's not even a trace or a picture in the whole house. Was she beautiful?

Buddy:
Yes.

Guy:
Did you love her?

Buddy:
Yes.

Guy:
How nice. When she coming home? [lights a cigarette] I forgot, she left you.

Buddy:
What do you want?

Guy:
What do I want? What do I want? [thinks for a moment] Tell me a story. Tell me about a young Buddy in love with a woman who just didn't want him. Was it a painful separation? Did you find her in the passionate throes of a secret lover? Did you take it from everything she had? Or did the lousy b*tch only get half?

Buddy:
She died.

Guy:
[taken aback] Oh. [sarcastically] Well, is that all? Well, boo-hoo! What a line. "My wife just died, can you come home with me. Hold me. Love me. F*** me." Christ, you are such an a**hole!

Buddy:
[numb] Christmas eve, twelve years ago. She was on her way to the mall. I was supposed to have gone with her. We hadn't started our Christmas shopping yet, but it was going to be simple, just some stuff for our parents. Money was tight and shopping was a hassle anyway. We even promised not to give each other gifts. On the way, there was a car that had broken down, Mallory pulled over to help. I always told her that she was such a busybody, but she called it "just being nice". She got out and asked if everything was all right, or something stupid. Anyway, it was a scam, bunch of punk kids stealing cars. They shot her. [pause] And all this time, I was stuck at the office wrapping Christmas gifts for my boss. A lot of gifts, we had a good year, that year - I was there till 3 A.M. And the whole time I'm thinking to myself, "Oh boy, she is gonna be pissed. When I get home, I am a dead man". [pause] Anyway, I got home, got the message, went down to the hospital to identify her. It was a whole week into the new year before I found them, these stupid wind up toys and a note: "In the constant rat race of life, don't ever forget to unwind". [pause] She was never any good at writing notes.

Guy:
[sheepish] Look, I didn't know...

Buddy:
Oh, Guy didn't know! imagine that! Boy genius here didn't know something!

Buddy:
What, you think somebody just handed me this job? I've handled the phones, I've juggled the bimbos, I've put up with the tyrants, the yellers, the screamers. I've done more than you can even imagine in that small mind of yours. I paid my dues!

Guy:
I didn't spend one year...

Buddy:
And I spent 10! Dammit, it's my turn to be selfish! it's my turn. That's the trouble with your whole MTV, microwave dinner generation. You want it all now. You think you deserve it just because you want it? It doesn't work like that. You have to earn it, you have to take it, you have to make it yours. but before you do that, Guy, you need to decide what it is you really want.

Guy:
I want you to stop calling me in the middle of the night! I want you to stop sending me the f***ing office for your goddamn phone numbers or your f***ing sunglasses! I want my life back!

Buddy:
What life? I gave you life. Before me, you were nothing. Before me, you were an ink spot, and now you're playing in the majors! I made you. You will always be "Guy from Buddy Ackerman's office"! You wanna go back to your shitty little existence? Go ahead. Leave. There's the door. No one's stopping you. You could have left any day, but you stayed. So let's just forget the Dudley-damn-Doright crap, because out here it's kill your parents, f*** your friends, and have a nice day!

Buddy Ackerman:
[to Dawn] Look, once you're past the "oops, he caught us" stage and realize that we are both f***ed, let me know, okay?

Buddy Ackerman:
You think you know it all, don't you? You're 25 years old. You're a baby. You don't know sh*t.

Buddy Ackerman:
You were getting complacent, ungrateful, complete and total job burnout, and don't think I didn't notice. You just didn't give a sh*t anymore. Draggin' your feet everywhere. Telling everybody you were doing my job. That you were running the show. That without you, I was nothing. Yeah, people tell me things. So don't come preaching to me about your ideas of what's fair. You're no martyr here. You're no hero. You're just a f***in' hypocrite. You're just like any other punk kid out there, lookin' for a way in, any way in, and you need me!t

Buddy Ackerman:
All right, Guy, come on, let's finish this. Give it to me. Show me what you're made of. Show me what you've learned. Don't let me down, son. Everything I've taught you comes down to this. This is the only way that you can hope to survive. Because life is not a movie. Everyone lies. Good guys lose. And love does not conquer all. So let's do this thing. Let's finish it.

Guy:
[After shooting Buddy's phone] I want you, to think and remember, every insult, every offence, everything you have ever taken away from me. Think to yourself. Its pay back time.

Guy:
[While torturing Buddy] It makes me feel so much better.

Guy:
You can't imagine what I've come up with. [shows Buddy an envelope] Paper cuts, now they can be a b*tch, occupational hazard I guess. But I bet its been a while since you've had one. Me, I'm starting to get used to them. [slices the envelope into Buddy's face] Stings, doesn't it? Well, like I said, you'll get used to them.