Table for Three

Ryan:
Friends don't let friends talk to exes drunk.

Mary:
Scott! We have a contract.

Ryan:
Don't make me put a Breathalyzer on that phone.

Leslie:
I can't say I love being called Les.

Mary:
I know what you're saying there. I can't stand it when people call me Mar. It's, like, what am I? Am I a horse? Am I some kind of horse? Like a pony?

Scott:
You guys are sh*t-faced.

Ryan:
[drunk] How dare... you.

Mary:
That is silly. I am sober as a f***ing judge.

Mary:
God damn it, Scott! No one wants to see it work out between you and Leslie more than Ryan and I. You are screwing it up!

Scott:
What am I screwing up?

Ryan:
You asked her to move in after two dates.

Mary:
Two!

Ryan:
Come on, man! Couldn't scare her away any faster if you told her if you were a Nazi sympathizer who's into fondling puppy balls!

Mary:
Or a chronic masturbater!

[Mary grabs Ryan's groin]

Scott:
Mary, come on!

Mary:
Come on, what? Want me to act like it's no big deal that my man's at half-mast? It is a big deal!

Scott:
We're just having some guy time, all right? He'll just keep it in his pants.

Ryan:
[high-pitch voice] Uh-huh.

Scott:
I promise.

Ryan:
And, um, if it's any consolation as you can see, I am completely flaccid now.

Scott:
We all are, Ryan. We all are.

Mary:
[referring to Bar Patron] You have to get rid of him. He is trying to get into my pants!

Scott:
So? He's not going to. It's not like you're tempted to sleep with him or anything.

Mary:
I'm tempted to f*** his brains out. I'd f*** him, I f*** that guy, I'd f*** the guy doing air-guitaring back there. I can f*** everybody I can see right now 'cause I just want the chance to be with somebody else. This is the reason I cannot be trusted without Ryan around me at all times. Just once I want to be with another guy without Ryan in the room. Can you understand that? I'm sick of f***ing the same person over and over and over and over again!