Taggart

Det. Sgt. Jackie Reid:
Michael Jardine died as he had lived - a brave and honest man. He was the best friend I ever had, and the worst boss.

[repeated line]

DCI Jim Taggart:
There's been a Murder.

Murray Fettle:
You're taking the piss

DCI Matt Burke:
I'm taking nothing pal, but you are, starting with a murder charge

Murray Fettle:
Murder?

DC:
And possibly torture

DCI Matt Burke:
Don't make him think of two things at once Jackie, otherwise he's brain will overheat and he'll stop breathing

DC:
Do you think he's our killer?

DCI Matt Burke:
The only thing he's killing is his liver

DC Stuart Fraser:
Can I be frank Mr Glass?

Walter Glass:
You can be whoever you like son.

Burger Van vendor:
Hey, I'm the brains of this outfit!

Jim Taggart:
Your brains will be on the pavement unless you help us!

Jim Taggart:
[On hearing the dead man's wife had fired 6 bullets into the body] What did he do - forget their anniversary?

Ruth Wilson:
I'm glad he's dead!

DS:
[grabs at victim as he almost falls into the quarry] Tommy!

DCI Jim Taggart:
[sarcastically] Are you trying to make his day?

DCI Jim Taggart:
[looks into quarry to see villain's car going under the water surface] Well, that's the easy part of it.

DS:
[stunned] Easy?

DCI Jim Taggart:
[grins] Now I have to go home and tell Jean she needs a new hairdresser!

DCI Jim Taggart:
[to McPherson, who was thrown into a pile of cow manure] Go and get a wash, you're honking!

Supt. Jack McVitie:
Jim, something interesting. Pat Connolly's record. Two years in Berlinnie for grievous wounding, same time as Abernathy.

DCI Jim Taggart:
Huh, so that's where they met. [sees funeral party] Sir, would you do me a favor? Ask that funeral party to go home. Bottle of whisky.

Supt. Jack McVitie:
Bribery, Jim? Is it true what I hear about young Jardine being a teetotaler and a churchgoer?

DCI Jim Taggart:
Aye, it's true.

Supt. Jack McVitie:
[smiles] Refreshing change.

DCI Jim Taggart:
What's that supposed to mean?

Dr. Stephen Andrews:
If you want to know what killed him, I'd say asphyxiation.

DCI Jim Taggart:
He was buried alive!

Dr. Stephen Andrews:
I can think of a better death.

DCI Jim Taggart:
I can think of a better job right now.

DCI Jim Taggart:
By the way, Jean.

Jean Taggart:
Yes?

DCI Jim Taggart:
I don't mean to spoil your evening, but Colin Davidson's trying to murder Maggie.

DI Robbie Ross:
My information was that Budge Curwell wouldn't breathe fresh air for another two years, minimum!

DCI Matt Burke:
Don't squirm, Robbie, you'll make the arse of your trousers all shiny!

Supt. Jack McVitie:
We are going to get our bollocks chewed off for this

DCI Jim Taggart:
You'll have to sew mine back on first, Jean had them last night

DC Jackie Reid:
[at post mortem] You can't tell who was attacked first?

Dr. Stephen Andrews:
[shakes head and grunts negatively]

DC Jackie Reid:
That won't please the boss

Dr. Stephen Andrews:
If my work was judged on the sole criterion of bringing joy to Jim Taggart I wouldn't even bother getting out of my bed in the morning.

Alex Dewar:
I wouldn't chop up a woman, terrible waste.

Dr. Andrews:
I've found a finger, Jim! [as he removes human remains from a compacted automobile]

Jim Taggart:
Mammy, Daddy! [staring into the sky in disgust]

Jim Taggart:
There's a nutter running around Glasgow, pumping bullets into people, locking them in car boots. I don't want to give them a third chance!

Mike Jardine:
But sir...

Jim Taggart:
What is it with you? Are you in heat or something?

Hookie Barclay:
He came staggering out of that lane

DI Robbie Ross:
Staggering, was he injured?

DI Robbie Ross:
He was injured alright, been hit by a bar.

DCI Jim Taggart:
Come on, I'll buy you both lunch.

Jackie Reid:
[to Jardine:] Do you think mourning has affected him? [referring to the recent death of Jean Taggart's Aunt Hettie, whom Jim passionately disliked]

Mike Jardine:
Mourning? He couldn't stand the sight of her!

DCI Jim Taggart:
She lost Mrs. Campbell at Central Station, when she was putting her bag into the left luggage.

Supt. McVitie:
Is she going to open it? [Reid has mistakenly boarded a London bound train instead of opening the suspect suitcase]

DCI Jim Taggart:
She can't - she's at Carstairs Junction! My God... wimmen polis!

Mike Jardine:
Not exactly a heavenly body... [when Jardine looks through Philip Dempster's telescope to see Taggart in the house on the opposite side of the road]

Jean Taggart:
And a limousine too!... You never did anything for her when she was alive, now you do this! I'll never understand you, Jim! [Jean curses Taggart after he goes against Aunt Hettie's wishes and buys a top of the range coffin and hires a limousine for her funeral]

Mike Jardine:
He's refusing to tell us which coffins he put the body parts into. We'll have to exhume the lot.

DCI Jim Taggart:
Well then, exhume the lot!

Mike Jardine:
That unfortunately includes your Auntie Hettie, sir.

Supt. McVitie:
Going somewhere, Jim? [as Taggart walks to the exit]

DCI Jim Taggart:
I'm away to see Jean, sir. Then... I think I'll emigrate!

Stick a feather in your bum and call yourself a chicken