Tammy

Keith Morgan:
Tammy, do you know how I got to where I am?

Tammy:
Sucking dick and kissing ass?

Tammy:
That's not chicken. I don't know what it is, but it's not bird.

Keith Morgan:
I can promise you that's 110% bird.

Tammy:
Bird doesn't come out of a squeezy tube!

Tammy:
What's Brookview?

Pearl:
An old folks home; like a prison for old people.

Pearl:
Muscle shirts are for muscles!

Tammy:
Once I got fingered by Boz Scaggs.

Pearl:
Oh, Tammy.

Tammy:
No, it's okay. It turns out it wasn't Boz Scaggs.

Pearl:
I watched Neil Armstrong walk on the moon.

Tammy:
On his bike?

Pearl:
That's Lance.

Tammy:
It's - I don't care which brother it is.

Tammy:
[angrily] I do blame you. I blame you for shoving me out of a hotel room last night and letting me sleep outside like a dog. I blame you 'cause you're already on your second bloody Mary. It's not even 10:00 A.M.

Pearl:
This is vegetables.

Tammy:
[voice breaks] I blame you for packing up your sh*t and making me come home from school when I was ten years old and finding an empty f***ing room. That's what I blame you for. You know how shitty that was for a little kid? You left me all alone.

Pearl:
Well, you weren't alone. Your parents were there.

Tammy:
It's not the same thing. You were my best friend and you just left me. I'm probably gonna need a tetanus shot 'cause I got nipped by a raccoon last night.

Tammy:
Hey, don't swear in front of my grandma, you piece of sh*t!

Tammy:
And I'm suing you, b*tch!

Missi:
For what?

Tammy:
You... for being an a**hole! That's what I'm suing you for.

Keith Morgan:
[sternly] Tammy, do you know how I got to where I am?

Tammy Banks:
[confused] Sucking dick and kissing ass?

Javier:
[knocks on the door] Excuse me, Keith. We need some more ketchup.

Keith Morgan:
Okay. [reaches for the jar of ketchup] English, though, Javier. This is America.

Tammy Banks:
It was English.

Keith Morgan:
That wasn't English.

Javier:
[notices blood on Tammy's face] Is that blood?

Tammy Banks:
Yeah. A deer hit my car on the way in.

Javier:
Maybe you should go see a doctor.

Tammy Banks:
Yeah. No kidding.

Keith Morgan:
Okay, thanks, Javier. That's great advice. See you later. [to Tammy as he is fed up with Tammy's tardiness and laziness] Tammy, I'm terminating your employment at Topperjack's.

Tammy Banks:
[looks at her badge in shock] You've gotta be shitting me.

Keith Morgan:
No, I'm terminating your employment. And I need your badge.

Tammy Banks:
[looks at her badge again] What ba--? You mean my name tag?!

Keith Morgan:
Yes, exactly. I need your badge back.

Tammy Banks:
It's not a badge. It's a shitty name tag, and you made me buy it with my own money.

Keith Morgan:
That's company policy. I need it back.

Tammy Banks:
Well, I need you to stop sweating through your shirts and grossing everybody out.

Keith Morgan:
It is hot. And when it's hot, people sweat. It's how it is.

Tammy Banks:
Not like that. Not like that.

Keith Morgan:
Well, do you know what?!

Tammy Banks:
That sh*t's medical!

Keith Morgan:
[furious] I-- LISTEN!! Tammy, you have already been fired. I have already terminated your employment. You are at least 40 seconds fired, so please exit the Topperjack's.

Tammy Banks:
[gets up from the chair] Fine. You know what? I'm gonna give you this.

Keith Morgan:
Tammy.

Tammy Banks:
I got it right here.

Keith Morgan:
It's your middle finger.

Tammy Banks:
No. [shows three fingers from her right hand] Poom. Read between the lines.

Keith Morgan:
I knew that you were gonna do it, Tammy. So it's not as good. I get it, Tammy.

Tammy Banks:
[makes a little version of the middle finger] Poom. You get that?

Keith Morgan:
What is that?

Tammy Banks:
A little version of this.

Keith Morgan:
Hey, don't let a deer hit you on the way out.

Tammy Banks:
[frustrated] You dick. You know what?! [starts throwing the Topperjack's ketchup packets] Don't let these ketchup packets get stuck in your gross armpits! You'll have to buy new shirts, you dick!

Keith Morgan:
Those are Topperjack's supplies. You are no longer an employee of Topperjack's. [Tammy shakes her hair in the buns] Oh.

Tammy Banks:
Yeah, that sh*t's contaminated now! [starts taking the Topperjack's burgers] For overtime due, Keith. Overtime due.

Keith Morgan:
Tammy, just get out.

Tammy Banks:
Enjoy the special sauce.

Keith Morgan:
Do not touch the Tower Deluxe burgers. Those buns are all still good. Just change the hats.

Tammy Banks:
Yeah. [aggressively gets cocky in Keith's face] Yeah, that's what I thought. [raises both middle fingers]

Keith Morgan:
I'm calling the police!

Tammy Banks:
Uh, just thought you should know, the meat here is real shitty. Real, real, real shitty. That's the truth!

Keith Morgan:
That's not true.

Tammy Banks:
[to a customer] That's not chicken. I don't know what it is, but it's not bird.

Keith Morgan:
It's 110% chicken.

Tammy Banks:
Bird doesn't come out of squeezy tubes. My gut here, is mostly dick and beef.

Keith Morgan:
She's disgruntled.

Tammy Banks:
[fed up with Keith's excuses] You know what. [throws a Topperjack burger at Keith's arm as payback]

Keith Morgan:
OW! My elbow.

[Tammy slams a Topperjack burger onto the Employee of the month plaque.]

Tammy Banks:
Boom! Later loser! [leaves the Topperjack's restaurant]

Tammy Banks:
[walks into her house] God. Hey, Greg. I'm home. Think your ringer's off. I've been calling you. That a**hole Keith fired me. Can you believe that sh*t? Like, who would wanna work there? [sees Greg and Missi Jenkins having a meal at the dining room table] What's going on here?

Greg Banks:
Hey, Tammy. Wow, you're home so early.

Missi Jenkins:
[to Tammy] I'm sorry you got fired.

Tammy Banks:
Shut up, Missi. Why are you in my house making my husband dinner?

Greg Banks:
Uh, actually, I made her dinner.

Tammy Banks:
[to Missi Jenkins] You're gonna get your ass kicked. [advances towards Missi] You hungry?

Greg Banks:
Tammy.

Tammy Banks:
YOU WANNA EAT MY FIST FOR DIN...? [Missi slaps Tammy in the tongue, causing Tammy to fall to the floor and drag the third dining room table chair down with her] Ow! Sh*t!

Missi Jenkins:
I am so sorry, Tammy. You startled me.

Tammy Banks:
[gets up] Keep your dirt fingers out of my mouth. You scratched my tongue. [to Greg] I'm leaving you, Greg. I'm taking the household money and getting out of here. [walks into the kitchen and climbs up the silverware drawer to the top of the counter] God! Nice, Greg. You have to cheat with the neighbor? [to Missi] You can forget about me feeding your stupid cats, Missi. [to Greg] I'm divorcing you, [to Missi] and I'm using you, b*tch.

Missi Jenkins:
For what?

Tammy Banks:
You... For being an a**hole. That's what I'm saying you for.

Tammy Banks:
[walking to her parent's house] Missi Jenkins is a whore! And I kicked her ass! Kicked her stupid ass. Don't call me, Greg, when she dumps you! Because I won't call you back! No f***ing way! I'm gonna be too busy f***ing models and sh*t!

Tammy Banks:
Poom! Later, loser.