Team America: World Police

Gary Johnston:
We're d*cks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid d*cks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an a**hole. Pussies don't like d*cks, because pussies get f***ed by d*cks. But d*cks also f*** a**holes: a**holes that just want to sh*t on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with a**holes their way. But the only thing that can f*** an a**hole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with d*cks is: they f*** too much or f*** when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a p*ssy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of sh*t that they become a**holes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us f*** this a**hole, we're going to have our d*cks and pussies all covered in sh*t!

Spottswoode:
Remember, there's is no I in Team America.

Intelligence:
Yes, there is.

Gary Johnston:
Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get in your car, and let you put your finger inside me. Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

Spottswoode:
Please, Gary, I'm not from Hollywood. I'm not going to f*** your mouth and my time is extremely valuable.

Gary Johnston:
Jesus, this is a nice limo.

Spottswoode:
Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.

Spottswoode:
From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.

Gary Johnston:
9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...

Spottswoode:
Yes, 91,100.

Chris:
Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.

Spottswoode:
Go get'em, cowboy.

Chris:
All right, we f***in' did it.

Spottswoode:
Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

Lisa:
Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.

Helen Hunt:
Let's go, b*tch. I've done action movies!

Spottswoode:
Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn't realize he was a goddamn Gook. I'll never be a racist again.

Gary Johnston:
I'm leaving. I'm out.

Spottswoode:
No, Gary! You can't leave! We need you now, more than ever!

Gary Johnston:
Don't you see what's going on out there? Everyone hates us!

Spottswoode:
Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.

Gary Johnston:
No, they didn't!

Spottswoode:
Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!

News Reporter:
Team America has once again pissed off the entire world by blowing up half of Cairo

Carson:
"The Terrorist" is getting away with the WMD.

Joe:
I got him

Joe:
Damn, I missed him!

Chris:
Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you. And if you betray us, I'll rip your f***ing balls off and stuff them up your ass so that the next time you sh*t, you'll sh*t all over your balls, got it?

Gary Johnston:
What's your problem with me?

Chris:
Yeah, you wanna go?

Joe:
Guys, guys, guys! Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do? The war is out there, man! Out there! Now, pull it together!

Kim Jong Il:
Do you have any idea how f***ing busy I am?

Joe:
Cairo... that's in Egypt.

Gary Johnston:
OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

Spottswoode:
Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

Gary Johnston:
No.

Spottswoode:
So then, you haven't seen everything.

Kim Jong Il:
I'm so Ronery / So ronery / So ronery and sadry arone / There's no one / Just me onry / Sitting on my rittle throne / I work very hard to be number one guy / but, stiwr there's no one to right up my rife / Seems rike no one takes me serirousry / And so, I'm ronery / A rittle ronery / Poor rittle me / There's no one I can rerate to / Feewr rike a biwd in a cage / It's kinda siwry / but, not reawry / because, it's fiwring my body with rage / I'm the smartest, most crever, most physicawry fit / but, none of the women seem to give a sh*t / Maybe someday, they'wr awr notice me / And untiwr then, I'wr be ronery / Yeah, a rittle ronery / Poor rittle me...

Samuel L. Jackson:
Motha F***a!

Chris:
I'll drill two holes in your dick so that when you take a piss, it goes in all different directions!

Spottswoode:
Attention. Attention, everyone. All you in the audience should go to your homes now. Your countries need you, but the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.

Spottswoode:
Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.

Tim Robbins:
Let me tell you how all this works: you see, Team America is funded by the corporations, so they fight for the corporations... while they sit in their corporation buildings... and they're all corporation-y... and they make lots of money!

Kim Jong Il:
It will be 911 times 2356.

Chris:
My god, that's... I don't even know what that is!

Kim Jong Il:
Nobody does!

Lisa:
Sometimes belief is all we have

Lisa:
Sometimes... Believing is all we have.

Kim Jong Il:
And now da destwuction of de worurd is inedidable

Lisa:
It's what?

Kim Jong Il:
Ine - ine - inedidable.

Lisa:
One more time...

Kim Jong Il:
I said, da destwuction of da worurd is inedible. God damn, open your f***in' eaws, girw!

Gary Johnston:
Your skills are fading with age, Mrs. Sarandon.

Susan Sarandon:
You will die a peasant's death!

Gary Johnston:
I had to come back. C'mon team, let's go!

Joe:
Wait a second, can we really trust you?

Chris:
Yeah, why the f*** should we trust you, you douchebag?

Spottswoode:
That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

Gary Johnston:
HOLY SH*T! What happened to the base?

Intelligence:
It was destroyed by a socialist weasel.

Chris:
Surprise, cockfags!

Tim Robbins:
Actors! ATTACK!

Helen Hunt:
Helen Hunt!

Samuel L. Jackson:
Samuel Jackson!

Spottswoode:
Gary, this is a dangerous mission. If you happen to get captured, suicide may be the more humane option. Here take this.

Gary Johnston:
I heard there might be a large terrorist attack. If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.

Gary Johnston:
I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village in their Blackhawk helicopters. The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah. Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched. I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed by the fiery black liquid death. In the midst of the chaos, I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help. As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone. It was on that day I put a jihad on them. And if you don't believe it, then you'd better kill me now, because I'll put a jihad on you, too.

Gary Johnston:
Bak. Derk-derka ala. Derka derka, Mohammed Jihad. Baka sherpa-sherpa. Abaka-la.

Joe:
Sh*t! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!

Lisa:
Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!

Chris:
If there's a world when this is all over, I'd love to buy you a beer sometime.

Sarah:
INTELLIGENCE is down! Repeat, we have lost our INTELLIGENCE!

Chris:
What does Spottswoode see in him?

Lisa:
I don't know. But I think I see it too.

Sean Penn:
Last year I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had flowering meadows and rainbow skies, and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

Chris:
If you betray us, I'll rip your f***in' balls off and stuff them up your ass. So, the next time you sh*t, you'll sh*t all over your balls!

Spottswoode:
Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.

Joe:
Uh... Alright then. Let's move.

Lisa:
Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

Gary Johnston:
But, I thought you weren't gay?

Spottswoode:
This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!

Gary Johnston:
Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to let you put your finger in me then I suck your cock and get a movie role!

Lisa:
I'm so confused!

Lisa:
It's too early for me to be having feelings for you.

Gary Johnston:
Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

Lisa:
Promise me you'll never die.

Gary Johnston:
You know I can't promise that.

Lisa:
Promise me you'll never die and I'll make love to you right now.

Gary Johnston:
I promise I'll never die.

Gary Johnston:
Jesus, this is a nice limo.

Spottswoode:
Yes, it is. Now suck my cock! Just kidding.

Lisa:
Wait a minute! Look!

Kim Jong Il:
You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong-Il! I will return! You shall see. I will be back!

Kim Jong Il:
So rong, Earthrings!

Gary Johnston:
We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong-Il!

Chris:
All right, you guys. I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.

Gary Johnston:
Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.

Lisa:
F***, yeah.

Gary Johnston:
F***, yeah.

Kim Jong Il:
Why is evawyrone so f***in' stoopid?

Gary Johnston:
We were all out at the zoo one day, I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild. They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who tossed him to another. Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help but it was too late. The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.

Gary Johnston:
Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Durka durka Mohammed jihad. Haka sherpa sherpa bak Allah.

Terrorist:
Ahhh! Durka durka durka!

Terrorist 1:
Durka Allah Muhammad jihad.

Gary is silent with fear

Terrorist 1:
Bak Alaah, Muhammad jihad!

Gary is still silent

Terrorist 1:
(swings his gun) BAK ALLAH! MUHAMMAD JIHAD ALLAH DURKA DURKA MUHAMMAD JIHAD!

Terrorist 2:
(aims at Gary) MUHAMMAD JIHAD! MUHAMMAD JIHAD!

Chris:
Oh, sh*t...

Spotswood:
Come on, Gary! Act! You have the power...!”

Gary Johnston:
Bak. Derk-derk-Allah. Durka durka Mohammed jihad. Haka sherpa sherpa bak Allah.

Terrorist 1:
Ahhh! Durka durka durka!

Stay the f*** away from me actor