Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Casey Jones:
Lead the way, toots.

April:
"Toots"?

Casey Jones:
Babe? Sweetcakes? Ah, Princess? You wanna throw me a clue here? I'm drowning.

April:
You know what, that's okay. I'll do it myself.

Casey Jones:
Fine, it's up to you. Just don't come around here asking for my help anymore.

April:
I wouldn't ask for your help if you were the last THING on the face of this planet.

The Shredder:
You are here because the outside world rejects you. THIS is your family. *I* am your father. I want you all to become full members of the Foot. There is a new enemy: freaks of nature who interfere with our business. You are my eyes and ears, find them! Together we will punish these creatures. These... Turtles.

Casey Jones:
Not even close, Zip Neck. Professor and Mary Ann. Happily ever after.

Donatello:
No way, Atomic Mouth, Gilligan was her main man. They'd be married and have six kids by now.

Casey Jones:
Gilligan was a geek, Barfarooni!

Donatello:
You're the geek, Camel Breath!

Casey Jones:
Dome head.

Donatello:
Elf lips!

Casey Jones:
Okay let's give this a try: Fongoid!

Donatello:
Here goes. What are we on?

Casey Jones:
G.

Donatello:
Here goes, Gak face!

Casey Jones:
I'm ready, hose brain!

Splinter:
Kids.

Tatsu:
Your empire flourishes, Master Shredder.

The Shredder:
What more from the rat?

Tatsu:
Nothing. He will not speak.

The Shredder:
And the boy who lead us to the turtles?

Tatsu:
He is still missing. I do not understand. Why do the turtles trouble you, master? They have not been seen for many days.

The Shredder:
Something... About the way you described their fighting. Something familiar. Something... From the past.

Donatello:
Good thing these guys aren't lumberjacks!

Michaelangelo:
No joke! The only thing safe in the woods would be the trees!

April:
Okay, those guys in the black pajamas, they jumped me, and... and that rat... I saw you in the parking lot. That explains you. And you guys... Um? I have no idea where you came from!

Splinter:
If you will please just sit down and calm yourself.

April:
It talks!

Splinter:
It is really quite simple, Miss O'Neil.

April:
And he knows my name... perfect!

Splinter:
Fifteen years ago...

April:
Why don't I ever dream of Harrison Ford?

Casey Jones:
This is great. First it was the farm that time forgot and now this. Why don't I ever fall in with people who own condos? Probably hard to get good maid service in a sewer. Maybe you guys should try Roto Rooter, huh?

Donatello:
Why?

Raphael:
Why? Why, Oh I don't know, 'cause I wanted to redecorate. You know, 'couple of throw pillows, a TV news reporter, what do ya think?

Michaelangelo:
Boy, and I thought insurance salesmen were pushy!

Leonardo:
Can anyone tell me who or what this is?

Michaelangelo:
Don't know, but I guess it never has to look for a can opener.

Raphael:
Damn.

Donatello:
Nice night.

Michaelangelo:
Mm-hm. Pizza dude's got thirty seconds.

Donatello:
Mm-hm. Hey Mikey, did you ever think about what Splinter said tonight? I mean about what it would be like... You know, not having him?

Michaelangelo:
Hmm... Time's up, three bucks off!

(cut to street, where the Pizza Delivery man pulls up on his scooter)

Delivery Man:
(searching for Michaelangelo's address) OK, 122... 122 1/8? 122 1/8. Terrific. Where the heck is 122 1/8?

Michaelangelo:
(through the sewer grate, causing the delivery man to jump) You're standing on it, dude! (slips a $10 bill through the grate) Just slip it down here!

(the Delivery Man passes pizza through the grate)

Delivery Man:
Gimme that!

(notices Mikey just gave him a 10)

Delivery Man:
Hey, this is a $10! The tab's $13!

Michaelangelo:
You're two minutes late, dude!

Delivery Man:
Aww, come on, I couldn't find the place!

Michaelangelo:
Wise man say: "Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."

Delivery Man:
(walks away) I gotta get a new route. And I thought I delivered everywhere...

Raphael:
A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me... you didn't pay money for this.

Splinter:
I just made a funny!

Chief Sterns:
Just what is it you hope to accomplish out there BESIDES BUSTING MY CHOPS?

April:
I think you know just as much as I do about this Foot Clan and I don't think you're doing anything about it.

Chief Sterns:
You expect me to waste man power because some immigrants are reminded of something that supposedly happened years ago in Japan?

April:
Have you got something else?

Chief Sterns:
Are you trying to tell me HOW TO DO MY JOB?

Casey Jones:
Now that was a crime, you purse grabbing pukes! And this is the penalty! Two minutes for slashing. Two minutes for hooking. And let's not forget my personal favorite, two minutes for high sticking!

April:
I'd like to invite you all in but I really don't have anything to offer you guys except for some pizza.

Michaelangelo:
Let's go for it!

Leonardo:
Listen, Raph, about what I said before. You know, about not needing you and all.

Raphael:
Leo, don't.

Leonardo:
Boy we missed you.

Donatello:
It's a Kodak moment.

Donatello:
You're a claustrophobic.

Casey Jones:
You want a fist in the mouth? I've never even looked at another guy!

April:
And then there's Casey Jones, a nine-year-old trapped in a man's body. He might almost be cute if it weren't for that pigheadedness.

Michaelangelo:
Hey Donny, looks like this one is suffering from shell shock.

Donatello:
Too derivative.

Michaelangelo:
Well, I guess we can really shell it out.

Donatello:
Too cliché.

Michaelangelo:
Well, it was a shell of a good hit!

Donatello:
I like it! Step up!

Passenger in Cab:
What the heck was that?

Cab Driver:
Looked like sort of a big turtle in a trench coat. You're going to La Guardia right?

Tatsu:
Never lower your eyes to an enemy.

Michaelangelo:
God, I love being a turtle!

Leonardo:
Awesome!

Michaelangelo:
Richeous!

Donatello:
Bossanova!

Michaelangelo:
Bossanova?

Donatello:
Chevy Nova?

Donatello:
I think he's blushing.

Raphael:
I am not.

Donatello:
I think he's actually turning red!

Donatello:
Hmm, maybe not.

Leonardo:
We were awesome!

Michaelangelo:
Bodacious!

Raphael:
Bitchin'!

Donatello:
Uh...

Michaelangelo:
Gnarly!

Leonardo:
Radical!

Raphael:
Totally tubular, Dude.

Michaelangelo:
Wicked!

Splinter:
I have always liked... Cowabunga.

Casey Jones:
New game, round-head. Cricket?

Raphael:
Cricket? Nobody understands cricket! You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand cricket!

Casey Jones:
I'll never call golf a dull game again.

The Shredder:
There will be no mistakes this time... I'll go myself. And the rat - kill it!

Tatsu:
Yes master!

April:
Oh, Casey hi.

Casey Jones:
Hi? I look like I just called Mike Tyson a sissy and all you can say is "Hi"?

April:
You don't need an ambulance, do you?

Casey Jones:
No, but...

April:
Just shut up and kiss me, I got a report to do.

Charles:
See? That's what he does when he wants to ignore me; he sticks his head in those things. I wonder where the hell he got those things anyway.

Michaelangelo:
That was close. Whoa, time to switch to decaf, April.

April:
Danny, how's school?

Danny:
Fine.

Charles:
Wonderful. So wonderful that I have to drive him there every morning just to make sure he goes.

Splinter:
I too once had a family, Danny. Many years ago I lived in Japan, a pet of my master Yoshi. Mimicking his movements from my cage and learning the mysterious art of Ninjitsu, for Yoshi was one of Japan's finest shadow warriors. His only rival was a man named Oroko Saki and they competed in all things but nothing more fiercely than the love for a woman, Thang Shin. Shin's love was only for my master and rather than see him fight Saki for her hand, she persuaded Yoshi to flee with me to America. But Saki vowed vengeance, I remember it well. As my master returned home to find his beloved Shin, lying on the floor, and then he saw her killer. Saki wasted no words, and during the struggle, my cage was broken. I leapt to Saki's face, biting and clawing, but he threw me to the floor and took one swipe with his Katana, slicing my ear. Then he was gone, and I was alone.

Splinter:
Yes, Oroku Saki, I know who you are. We met many years ago in the home of my master, Omato Yoshi!

Raphael:
It's him.

The Shredder:
You! Now I will finish what I began with your EAR!

Splinter:
Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you. For when you die, it will be

Splinter:
...Without honor.

Casey Jones:
You guys mind telling me what you're doing to my little green pal over there?

Casey Jones:
Oh, who is the babe?

Leonardo:
Who the heck is that?

Michaelangelo:
Wayne Gretzky on steroids?

Michaelangelo:
Hey Donny, Wheel of Fortune, Dude!

Donatello:
Hmm, I guess they're not game show fans.

Michaelangelo:
And I thought everybody loved Vanna.

Splinter:
I am proud of you, my sons. Tonight you have learned the final and greatest truth of the Ninja that ultimate mastering comes not from the body but from the mind. Together, there is nothing your four minds cannot accomplish. Help each other, draw upon one another and always remember the power that binds you. The same is what brought me here tonight that which I gladly return with my final words, I love you all my sons.

Raphael:
Where's Splinter?

The Shredder:
The rat? So it has a name... It had a name.

Leonardo:
You lie!

The Shredder:
Do I?

The Shredder:
He dies! Weapons! Now!

The Shredder:
Fools. Ha ha. The three of you might have overpowered me with the loss of but one. Now your fate will be his!

Raphael:
Ugh! Where do they come up with this stuff?

Donatello:
Question: Do you like penicillin on your pizza? my question is merely this. what in the blue f***ing hell exactly is PENICILLIN on PIZZA? bwhahahhahahaahhhahhahahhahahah

April:
So, what do you guys like on your pizza?

Michaelangelo:
Oh, just the regular stuff: flies, stink bugs... It was a joke.

April:
Well, I was going to give you guys a tour of the store. Shall we go get him?

Leonardo:

Donatello:
No!

Donatello:
Uh... He just needs to blow off some steam.

Michaelangelo:
Yeah.

Leonardo:
We have had our first battle, Master Splinter. They were many, but we kicked... We fought well.

Splinter:
Were you seen?

Splinter:
In this, you must never lapse. Even those who would be our allies would not understand. Our domain is the shadow. Stray from it reluctantly, but when you do, you must strike hard and fade away... Without a trace.

Raphael:
I lost a Sai!

Splinter:
Then it is gone.

Donatello:
We were awesome!

Michaelangelo:
Yes, Dudes and Dudettes, major leage butt-kicking is back in town!

Chief Sterns:
We are presently executing a plan of redeployment that will minimize response time while maximizing coordination between patrol units and a decentralized networking scheme.

April:
I'm not sure I understood all of that, Chief Sterns. Would you mind repeating it in English perhaps?

April:
There's neighbors about four miles away. I need to get to a phone and call my boss.

Casey Jones:
You mean Charles? He left a message on your machine just before we got out... Well, hey, you just saved yourself an eight mile round tripper. Um... You were fired.

April:
I... I just saved myself? What did you do, take classes in insensitivity?

Michaelangelo:
Pizza dude's got thirty seconds.

Donatello:
Hey Mikey, did you ever think about what Splinter said tonight? I mean about what it would be like... You know, not having him?

Michaelangelo:
Hmm... Time's up. Three bucks off.

Chief Sterns:
Alright, I want some answers. Now what in God's name happened out here tonight? Somebody better talk to me!

Head Thug:
Check out the east warehouse over on Lairdman Island. You'll get your answers there.

Michaelangelo:
Aw, a fellow chucker, eh?

Splinter:
For 15 years now, we have lived here. Before that time, I was a pet of my master Yoshi. When we were forced to come to New York, I found myself for the first time without a home, wandering thew sewers, scavaging for whatever I could find. And then, one day, I came upon a shattered glass jar and four baby turtles.

Michaelangelo:
That was us. Hee hee.

Donatello:
Shut up. Oh no!

Splinter:
The little ones were crawling into a strange glowing ooze from a broken canister near by. I gathered them up in an old coffee can and when I awoke the next morning, I received a shock. For they had doubled in size. I, too, was growing. Particularly in intellect. I was amazed how intelligent they seemed, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next: one of them spoke! More words followed, and I began their training. Teaching them all that I had learned from my master. And soon, I gave them all names: Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello and Raphael.

April:
I'm not dreaming, am I?

Splinter:
No. I'm afraid not.

Raphael:
You guys must be studying the abridged book of Ninja fighting.

Raphael:
I mean come on, how do you guys expect to beat me?

Raphael:
Good answer. Good answer.

Donatello:
[Skateboards in the sewers, and then stops to sit down next to Michelangelo] How are you doing?

Michelangelo:
Fine.

Donnie:
Nice night.

Mikey:
Pizza dude's got 30 seconds.

Donnie:
Hey, Mikey. Did you ever think about what Splinter said tonight? I mean about what it would be like, you know, not having him?

Mikey:
Hmm. Time's up. $3 off.

Mikey:
Yes, friends, the new turbo ginsu. Wa-hoo! [tosses the pizza while Leonardo slices it] It dices, it slices, and it makes French fries and 3 different... [a pizza slice lands on Splinter's head] WHOOPS.

Splinter:
Mmm, kids.

Casey Jones:
New game, round-head: [pulls out a cricket bat] Cricket.

Raphael:
Cricket?! Nobody understands cricket! You gotta know what a crumpet is to understand cricket!

Casey:
I'll teach you! [swings and hits Raphael into a trash can] 6 Runs.

Raph:
[struggles to get out]

Casey:
[running] So long, freak! I've got work to do!

Raph:
[finally free of the can and furious] FREAK?! FREAK?!?

[Casey leaps over wall and runs while Raph gives chase before he runs over a taxi cab]

Passenger:
What the heck was that?

Cab driver:
Looked like some sort of turtle in a trenchcoat. [passenger is silent] You're going to LaGuardia, right?

Raph:
[still chasing Casey] Come back here! I'm not finished with you! DAAAAAAAMN!

[April is called into Sterns' office]

Chief Sterns:
O'Neal, get in here.

April:
[to the technician] Time me.

Sterns:
Just what is it that you hope to accomplish out there, besides busting my chops?

April:
I think you know just as much as I do about the Foot Clan and I don't think you're doing anything about it.

Sterns:
You expect me to waste precious manpower because some immigrants are reminded of something that supposedly happened, years ago in Japan?!

April:
Have you got anything else?

Sterns:
Are you tryin' to tell me how to DO MY JOB?!

[April walks out of Sterns' office as the door shuts]

Technician:
1:07, a new record.

April:
You guys eat pizza?

Mikey and Donnie:
[simultaneously] Doesn't everybody?

April:
Will I ever see you guys again?

Mikey:
Indubitably!

Leonardo:
Well, that depends on how fast you stock your pizza.

Mikey:
Ha-ha! No doubt about it. She loved us! It was the impressions, dudes.

Donnie:
You wish.

Leo:
Hold it!

[after Raphael gets a mention from April on the news]

Donnie:
Hey, look. Nyuk-nyuk. I think he's blushing.

Raph:
[angrily] I am NOT.

Donnie:
I think he's actually turning red. [Raph angrily chucks a Sai into the floor between Donnie's legs] Uh, hmm. Maybe not.

[Watching an argument starting between Leonardo and Raphael]

Mikey:
Fight?

Donnie:
Fight.

Mikey:
Kitchen?

Donnie:
Kitchen.

Mikey:
Yeah.

[Later, while eating pork rinds]

Mikey:
[hands him a pork rind] Pork Rind?

Donnie:
[takes the pork rind] Pork Rind.

[2 Foot Ninjas are left after Raphael defeats a large number. They look at each other in fright and confusion.]

Raphael:
I mean, come on, how do you guys expect to beat me? [Camera pans as an overwhelming number of Foot Ninjas leap onto the rooftop.] Good answer. Good answer.

April:
Hasn't Raph been gone a long time?

Donnie:
Nah, he does it all the time. He likes it.

[scene cuts to Raph being assaulted by the Foot.]

April:
Are you sure?

Donnie:
Ah, don't worry. He'll probably be back any minute.

[An unconscious Raph is thrown through the skylight, landing at Donnie's feet]

April:
Raph! Is he...?

Leonardo:
No, he's alive, barely.

April:
Oh, God.

Leo:
[about Casey] Who the heck is that?

Mikey:
Wayne Gretzky, on steroids?

April:
What did you do, did you take classes in insensitivity?

Casey:
Hey, I was just trying to break it to you easy.

April:
Oh, well, you failed miserably!

Casey:
Hey, Broadzilla, you wouldn't even be standing here if it weren't for me, okay?

April:
And what do you want, do you want a 'thank you'?

Casey:
No, it's me who should thank you for that privilege, right?

April:
Fine!

Casey:
Yeah.

April:
Thank you.

Casey:
No, thank you!

April:
You're welcome!

Casey:
You're welcome! [they each march to their separate rooms slamming the doors behind them]

Donatello:
Gosh, it's kind of like Moonlighting, isn't it?

Mikey:
[yawns] Oh, man, I could go for a little deep dish action right about now.

Danny:
I had some pizza here the other day. There might be some left over.

Mikey:
[runs over to the table as April laughs, Donnie takes a look at it] Well?

Donnie:
Question.

Mikey:
Ugh. Yeah?

Donnie:
Do you like penicillin on your pizza?

Mikey:
D'oh! [he and Donnie start humming "Taps"]

Leo:
[Shredder shows up] Does anybody have any idea about who or what this is?

Mikey:
I don't know. But I'll bet it never has to look for a can opener.

The Shredder:
You fight well in the old style, but you've caused me enough trouble. Now you face... The Shredder.

Donnie:
The Shredder?

Mikey:
Uhh... maybe all that hardware's for making coleslaw.

Raph:
Where's Splinter?

Shredder:
Ah, the rat. So it has a name. It had a name.

Leo:
[angrily] YOU LIE!

Shredder:
[evilly smiles] Do I?

[Leo angrily charges toward Shredder, but Shredder flips Leo, and points his yari to Leo's neck]

Shredder:
[To Raph, Donnie and Mikey] He [Leo] dies. Weapons! [Gestures with his head] NOW!! [Raph, Donnie and Mikey discard their weapons to save Leo.] Fools! [chortles] The three of you may have overpowered me with the loss of but one. Now your fate... WILL BE HIS!! [Brings back his yari and prepares to stab Leo.]

Raph, Mikey, and Donnie:
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Suddenly, Splinter appears startling Shredder]

Mikey:
Splinter!

[Leonardo seeing Shredder in shock rolls away back to the other Turtles]

Splinter:
Yes, Oroku Saki, I know who you are. We met many years ago, in the home of my master... Hamato Yoshi!

[Shredder removes his mask, revealing the scars underneath from their last encounter, revealing him to be Oroku Saki.]

Raph:
It's him [Oroku Saki].

Oroku Saki:
[angrily] You. Now I will finish what I began with YOUR EAR! [attempts to joust Splinter, but his yari is caught in a nunchaku chain and he is hanging over the edge of a building]

Splinter:
Death comes for us all, Oroku Saki, but something much worse comes for you, for when you die, it will be... [Oroku Saki reaches for the back of his belt, takes out a knife and throws it at Splinter, who dodges and grabs it and, at the same time, releases Shredder, who falls, screaming, into the dustcart] ...without honor.

Casey:
Oops! [Activates the trash compactor with Shredder inside]

Leo:
We were awesome!

Mikey:
Bodacious! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Raph:
Bitchin'!

Donnie:
Uh...mmm-mmm.

Mikey:
Gnarly!

Leo:
Radical!

Raph:
Totally tubular, dudes!

Mikey:
Wicked!

Raph:
Hellacious!

Donnie:
Uh... mega...

Splinter:
Ahem.

The Turtles:
Huh?

Splinter:
I have always liked... 'Cowabunga'.

Turtles:
Hmm? COWABUNGA!!

Splinter:
[laughs] I made a funny! [laughs again]

Raphael:
[tries sneaking in late after his encounter with Casey]

Splinter:
[lights a match, revealing he's been waiting for Raph to return home] Raphael? [Raph sighs] Come sit by me.

Raph:
[stressed] Couldn't this wait 'til morning?

Splinter:
[firmly] You will listen now. [Raph relents and joins him] My Master Yoshi's first rule was "possess the right thinking." Only then can one recieve the gifts of strength, knowledge, and peace. I have tried to channel your anger, Raphael, but more remains. Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy. [Raph listens in silence as Splinter continues] You are unique among your brothers, for you choose to face this enemy alone. But as you face it, do not forget them. And do not forget me. [reaches to touch Raph's head, causing Raph to weep] I am here, my son.

April:
[races down into the subway only to discover she just missed her train; scoffs in annoyance] Great, just great. [proceeds to wait for the next train, but senses she's not alone. She turns and gasps, seeing a small group of Foot Clan ninjas there]

Foot Clan Ninja #1:
We've been waiting for you, Ms. O'Neil.

April:
[trying to act brave] What? Am I behind on my Sony payments again? [laughs nervously]

Foot Clan Ninja #1:
Your mouth may yet bring you much trouble, Ms. O'Neil. I deliver a message. [he extends his hand as if to give her something, only to slap her on the cheek] Shut it.

Leonardo:
[To Raphael upon seeing that Raph has brought an unconscious April O'Neil back to their sewer den] Are you crazy?

Raph:
[sarcastically] Yeah, Leo, I'm crazy, okay?! A loony, okay?!

Donatello:
Why?

Raph:
[still sarcastically] "Why"?! Why, oh, I don't know, because I wanted to redecorate! You know, a couple of throw pillows, a TV news reporter, what do you think?! [Leo grunts]

Splinter:
[walks into the common area to discover the cause of all the commotion] Raphael, what are you doing?!

Raph:
[mumbles nervously; trying to stay out of trouble] She got jumped in the subway, I had to bring her here.

Donatello:
It's the news lady.

Michelangelo:
[hopefully] Can we keep her?

Splinter:
[reluctantly; to the Turtles] Bring water, cold washcloth, pillow.

Charles Pennington:
[while driving Danny to school] I don't get it, Danny. I make more than enough money to provide for both of us and you're stealing. Why?

Danny Pennington:
[blandly] I don't know.

Charles Pennington:
[incredulous] You don't know?! [scoffs] What the heck were you doin' with a car stereo anyway? Or, uh, don't you know that either?

Danny Pennington:
[still blandly] Sorry.

Charles Pennington:
[completely unimpressed] "Sorry"? Not as sorry as you're gonna be after school. [they stop at a red light and Danny runs out of the car and flees into the subway] Danny! Damn it! Danny, come back here!

Pizza delivery guy:
[pulls up on his scooter outside an apartment building] Okay. [removes pizza from a pouch on the back of the scooter and whistles] Now, 122. [looks closer at the address of the order] 122 1/8? [looks around for the address] 122...1/8. [annoyed because he can't find it] Terrific. Where the heck is 122 1/8?

Mikey:
[from the sewer grate on the street, which surprises the pizza delivery guy] You're standin' on it, dude. [pokes a ten dollar bill up through the grate] Just slip it down here.

Pizza delivery guy:
[warily slides the pizza down through the grate while simultaneously taking the money] Gimme that! [starts back to his scooter before noticing the amount of money he was given and turning back toward the grate] Hey, this is a $10. The tab's $13.

Mikey:
You're two minutes late, dude!

Pizza delivery guy:
[kneels down upon the grate] Aw, come on, I couldn't find the place!

Mikey:
Wise man say "Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."

Pizza delivery guy:
[stands upon realizing how weird the situation is and heads back to his scooter, muttering] I gotta get a new route. And I thought I delivered everywhere.

Donatello:
Pork Rind.

Donatello:
It's the news lady.

Michelangelo:
Pork Rind?

Raphael:
[finally free of the can and furious] FREAK?! FREAK?!?

Raphael:
[still chasing Casey] Come back here! I'm not finished with you! [screams angrily] DAAAAAAAAAAMN!!!!