Terry and the Pirates

Hotshot Charlie:
You know, this should rate a few headlines back home. Charles C. Charles, intrepid aviator, makes a daring mercy flight to plague-ridden interior of China.

Terry Lee:
Just so long as it isn't an obituary, chum.

Hotshot Charlie:
Huh?

Terry Lee:
From typhus people die, you know.

[looking out the cockpit window]

Hotshot Charlie:
Desolation at five o'clock, Terry. That must be Wangchu.

[Terry and Hotshot have just averted the theft of desperately needed typhus serum]

Terry Lee:
Can you beat anyone trying to hijack stuff like this?

Hotshot Charlie:
Even Chops wouldn't go for a deal like that... I think.

Terry Lee:
The Dragon Lady!

Dragon Lady:
Terry Lee fighting to see me. I have long waited for such fervor.

Hotshot Charlie:
Hi, gorgeous. You turn up in the oddest places - or is it us?

Dragon Lady:
Lotteries, yes; many other things, yes. But this, Mr. Lee - that you would believe...

Terry Lee:
But the way it looked, you can't blame me.

Dragon Lady:
You wronged me, Terry Lee.

Terry Lee:
Yeah, I guess I did.

Dragon Lady:
I can vindicate myself in only two ways. The first is to kill you...

Terry Lee:
I'll take the second.

Dragon Lady:
Come here, then.

[they kiss passionately]

Chopstick Joe:
So sorry, little one. You can ride Air Cathay for yen, pesos, piastras or the American buck, but nothing on the cuff. No exceptions

Chee Lu:
But I will pay you when I land - believe me!

Chopstick Joe:
I believe you, little one, but ticket office is in Tanzan, not Tayling.

Terry Lee:
Good morning, Chops. Me and Charles reporting.

Hotshot Charlie:
Ready, willing and, if no planes are disabled, able.

Terry Lee:
He can't quit, he's got to go stateside and he's broke. That contract has an odor.

Hotshot Charlie:
And it ain't chlorophyll.

Terry Lee:
We may scare but we don't run.

Chopstick Joe:
I told you Galahads never to tilt lances at black dragons. The age of chivalry...

Hotshot Charlie:
Never mind the editorial, Chops. We need help!

Chee Lu:
[to Chopstick Joe] You are a kind and generous man.

Terry Lee:
Then how about a honeymoon flight for Chee Lu and Kim back to the province on Air Cathay.

Chopstick Joe:
Nix! Air Cathay is for rent but not for free. They want to fly, they pay the same as everybody else. I'm just a poor, hard-working businessman with a...

Terry Lee, Chopstick Joe, Hotshot Charlie:
...shoestring airline.

[last lines]

Hotshot Charlie:
Chops, I think you'd sell your own right arm to the highest bidder if you...

Chopstick Joe:
Only for money, chum, only for money.

[remarking on a multi-millionaire's death]

Chopstick Joe:
Harrison Koo - somehow you figure I guy like that, if he can't take it with him, he just wouldn't go.

Hotshot Charlie:
Wonder what kind of a run Chops has for us today.

Terry Lee:
If he's up to par, it'll add up to low pay and high blood pressure.

[reading Koo's obituary]

Terry Lee:
Harrison Koo - King Midas himself!

Hotshot Charlie:
So the old boy's finally grounded. Wonder what he looks like.

Chopstick Joe:
A stiff countenance no doubt.

Terry Lee, Hotshot Charlie:
Oh, no!

Dragon Lady:
Do I understand you wish to kidnap a corpse and hold it for ransom?

Lu San:
Yes, there is no family. Harrison Koo's estate will spare no expense to recover the body should it disappear before it comes to rest with his ancestors.

Dragon Lady:
You are taking a chance. If you have been his trusted retainer for so many years, will you not be remembered in his will?

Lu San:
Possibly, but Harrison Koo was not a sentimentalist and I should like something more than a token remembrance for the time I have devoted to him.

Dragon Lady:
Well, that should be interesting.

Lu San:
And profitable.

Dragon Lady:
If all goes well.

Lu San:
That is why I have come to the Dragon Lady.

Dragon Lady:
Then you have come to the right place.

Terry Lee:
The note - that perfume...

Hotshot Charlie:
What about it?

Terry Lee:
There's only one person with perfume like that in the Orient.

Hotshot Charlie:
The Dragon Lady!

Chopstick Joe:
Oh, no. She wouldn't double-cross an old pal like Chopstick Joe.

Hotshot Charlie:
Aw, she'd dice you up for a dime, fat boy.

Terry Lee:
Hotshot, old boy...

Hotshot Charlie:
Terry, my lad...

Terry Lee:
Dragon Lady.

Hotshot Charlie:
Lu San.

Terry Lee:
I'll take the high road.

Hotshot Charlie:
And I'll take the low.

Chopstick Joe:
And I'll take aspirin.

Dragon Lady:
You had better go now, Mr. Lee. You will learn nothing here!

Terry Lee:
But you're the girl who can teach me. See you around, D.L.

Hotshot Charlie:
[to himself] Hurry up, Terry. It's not that I'm scared, it's just that fright runs in my family. What a lovely spot for romance and adventure... what a night to run in dark alleys.

Hotshot Charlie:
Curiousity killed the cat.

Dragon Lady:
And you both are exceedingly curious.

Terry Lee:
Yeah, well, if we got go, there's one burning question...

Dragon Lady:
Your American humor escapes me.

Hotshot Charlie:
Note the coffin, note the contents. Sandbags!

Dragon Lady:
So where is the body?

Hotshot Charlie:
You tell us.

Terry Lee:
You don't think that we... Oh, hold on, D.L. We get mixed up in a lot of crazy things but body snatching is a little out of our line.

Hotshot Charlie:
Unless it's five foot four, eyes of blue - and alive.

Terry Lee:
Tell the boys to point the artillery the other way.

Hotshot Charlie:
Yeah, we're getting powder burns.

Hotshot Charlie:
You're on the spot, D.L.

Dragon Lady:
Then it behooves me to move off the spot - and put someone else on it.

Chopstick Joe:
I take an oath on a dollar bill!

Dragon Lady:
My stalwarts, no one will believe you, so I trust you will be as discrete as you are valorous.

Chopstick Joe:
There you are flyboys - paid in full.

Terry Lee:
I read in the paper where Harrison Koo's body was finally interred in the ancestral plot. Just thought you'd be interested.

Chopstick Joe:
Very complicated plot I should say, but Air Cathay always delivers - coffins or coconuts, eh, boys?

Hotshot Charlie:
The only other coffin we want to fly is yours.

[last lines]

Chopstick Joe:
[answering phone] Air Cathay - who wants to fly where? What? You say a woman is having a baby and wants it born in Hong Kong? Sure thing - I got pilots who can outfly any stork. One moment... Flyboys! I have an assignment for you!

[Terry and Hotshot wave goodbye to Chopstick from outside his office and then hastily depart]

Chopstick Joe:
You better call a taxi, Mister.

Terry Lee:
Don't you guys think of anything but girls?

Jimmy Wong:
[to Hotshot] Get him.

Hotshot Charlie:
What else is there?

Chopstick Joe:
Supposing Terry gets curious. Who shall I say wants to know?

Burma:
Tell him one of Jimmy's relatives wants to know if he should come down to the airport to meet him.

Chopstick Joe:
Something cooking old Chops should know about?

Burma:
I'm just renting one sterling quality, not buying it.

Terry Lee:
Well, another day, another dollar.

Hotshot Charlie:
If we're lucky. We work for Chopstick Joe, sweatshop in the sky.

Burma:
This is really out of a dime novel!

Pyzon:
It's dollars - lots of dollars.

Jimmy Wong:
And it goes without saying how grateful I am to all of you.

Hotshot Charlie:
Well, just don't go without saying it. We're always glad to help when there's a beautiful blonde in the picture.

[last lines]

Terry Lee:
I'm dog tired. I want to sleep for a week. I don't want to talk, see or get near planes.

Chopstick Joe:
Or beautiful blondes.

[Burma enters the office]

Terry Lee:
Or beautiful... blondes?

Burma:
Present company excepted, I hope.

Hotshot Charlie:
Oh, we can always catch up on our beauty rest.

Terry Lee:
First, the beauty.

[Terry kisses Burma passionately]

Burma:
Terry, darling, you're my hero.

Hotshot Charlie:
Me, too. I'm a hero!

[Burma kisses Hotshot]

Chopstick Joe:
If you're passing out gratitude, don't forget me.

[Terry, Hotshot and Burma walk out of the office arm in arm]

Chopstick Joe:
She forgot.

Dragon Lady:
You do not have to use buttered words, my friend. I know you; I trust you as far as a tombstone can be thrown.

Dragon Lady:
Come here on Saturday and I shall deliver the Dutch diamonds. Also, bring the money.

Chopstick Joe:
The cool green for the hot ice - a fair exchange.

Chopstick Joe:
Remember, Dragon Lady, confidence is the keynote.

Dragon Lady:
I prefer your bank note, my dear Chopstick.

Burma:
Why did you come knocking at my door? Trouble?

Hotshot Charlie:
Up to here. I spent all night at Wang Wang's.

Burma:
Win, lose or draw?

Hotshot Charlie:
My luck was even - all bad. I mortgaged myself into the next generation.

Burma:
[pouring tea] One lump or two?

Hotshot Charlie:
Lumps - that's what I deserve.

Hotshot Charlie:
Wang Wang intimated that if I didn't pay up...

Burma:
I know - you'll never live it down.

Hotshot Charlie:
Live, period... exclamation point!

Terry Lee:
Is there any place in China you don't have a cousin? They pop up like weeds all over the place.

Chopstick Joe:
We're a very large family. I had a widely traveled grandparent.

Chopstick Joe:
Do you ever stop to think of the drama contained in one sack of mail? Comedy, drama, tragedy, adventure, intrigue... money... diamonds.

Hotshot Charlie:
Yikes! The place is haunted! The Dragon Lady!

[the Dragon Lady throws a knife at Terry, which just misses him]

Terry Lee:
I get the point, lady. You don't have to throw it at me.

[Hotshot and Terry hear the door of their in-flight cargo plane being shut]

Hotshot Charlie:
What are you doing by that door?

Ah Kee:
Close door - rooster fell out.

Terry Lee:
What's up, Chaz?

Hotshot Charlie:
Roosters at seven o'clock.

Chopstick Joe:
My cousin! My cousin, Ah Kee!

[Chopstick and Ah Kee embrace]

Chopstick Joe:
But you did a bad thing. You got caught!

Terry Lee:
I mean Chops and the Dragon Lady. If they figure with a couple of roosters, then it's dollars to doughnuts it's more than roosters that figure.

Hotshot Charlie:
They're two of the sharpest guessers in the business - shady that is.

Angel Face:
What'll I tell Chops?

Terry Lee:
Tell him next time to fly elephants. Nobody ever hijacked one yet.

[Hotshot delivers the roosters to the Dragon Lady]

Hotshot Charlie:
Not rain, wind, sleet or hijackers can keep these couriers from their appointed rounds.

Dragon Lady:
I knew you could be depended upon, Mr. Lee.

Hotshot Charlie:
Ah, remember me? I'm the guy you made the deal with.

Dragon Lady:
Yes - and you had me very worried.

Hotshot Charlie:
No extra charge for suspense.

[last lines]

Dragon Lady:
Thank you again, Mr. Lee. You must come up for dinner.

Hotshot Charlie:
Sure thing. When and what are you having?

Dragon Lady:
After tomorrow - barbequed rooster.

Chopstick Joe:
For me, cooked goose.

[Hotshot accidentally ate a large quantity of plastic explosives that were disguised as sausage links]

Terry Lee:
How do you feel now?

Hotshot Charlie:
Unh. What are we going to do? I can't go through life like this.

Terry Lee:
If we don't figure some way out of here, you won't have much life left to go through.

Chopstick Joe:
Air Cathay is priviledged to serve many customers, Major. What's your beef?

Major Ellis:
According to my information, this shipment was filed by a Professor Gaspardi. Who is he?

Chopstick Joe:
Air Cathay is interested in flying fee not biography, Major.

Chopstick Joe:
All I know, Major, is what is on that paper.

Major Ellis:
Then you better start reading between the lines. "Perishable" is obviously a cover for contraband.

Chopstick Joe:
He paid me well and when money is silver, silence is golden, if you dig me.

Major Ellis:
I'll dig you with a spade, you old teabag. Either you find out what's in those shipments or you can consider your planes grounded from here on out!

Wang-Ho:
A dark cloud - that spells trouble.

Chopstick Joe:
Correction, Wang-Ho. Cloud is forerunner to sunshine... merely a thin veil that hides future happiness.

Wang-Ho:
Even the power of sunshine could not penetrate so dense a cloud.

Terry Lee:
Good timing, Major.

Major Ellis:
Oh, it was quite simple. All I had to do was follow the baskets you chaps so thoughtfully pushed off the truck.

Terry Lee:
It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Major Ellis:
Excellent. The constabulary is still picking up snakes all over Singapore - the two-legged variety.

Terry Lee:
Cargo's all aboard - everything from aspirin to parts for a broken sousaphone. We're even carrying a chick.

Hotshot Charlie:
One chick?

Terry Lee:
Yeah, the kind you go for.

Hotshot Charlie:
You mean a real, live female?

Terry Lee:
Of the opposite sex, remember?

Hotshot Charlie:
I hope I never forget. Wonder what she looks like?

Terry Lee:
How would I know? Maybe she looks like Chopstick Joe's grandmother.

Hotshot Charlie:
Oh, don't kid me - he never had one. Oh, well. If she qualifies for the opposite sex, why, we can hope for the best.

Terry Lee:
I sure like your strict requirements in women - they must be women.

[spotting Arlette]

Hotshot Charlie:
Ohhh, beautiful sunrise at 7 o'clock. Finders keepers! I hereby file claim 970614.

Terry Lee:
We've got less than an hour, chum.

Hotshot Charlie:
Wasn't it Rasputin who said, "There's so many of 'em and so little time"?

Terry Lee:
She's not your type, Chaz. She looks intelligent.

Hotshot Charlie:
As major domo, official host, hand holder and baby driver of Air Cathay, I welcome you, mademoiselle.

Hotshot Charlie:
Flight Lee to Air Cathay, Flight Lee to Air Cathay. Tanzan airport - paging one ex-numbers king. Are you there, Chops?

Chopstick Joe:
Air Cathay to Flight Lee, Air Cathay to Flight Lee. Look, flyboy, make with a little dignity. You want people to think I'm a bum? Over.

Hotshot Charlie:
Making an early approach now, oh illustrious, magnificent employer. Three minutes out.

Chopstick Joe:
You got a lady on board - Miss de Lautrec?

Hotshot Charlie:
Lady? This one's a doll! With more assets than you've got liabilities, Chops.

Chopstick Joe:
Car is awaiting around the bend, Miss Detroyic

Arlette:
de Lautrec.

Chopstick Joe:
So sorry. If names do not have a Wong or Chang, I get all balled up.

Terry Lee:
Start at the prologue and keep going.

Chopstick Joe:
Okay, you win. Have you ever heard of Lucky Laverne?

Hotshot Charlie:
Heard, read and smelt. Stars and stripes' number one bad boy.

Terry Lee:
Just to make things easier for the umpire, what team are you on?

Dragon Lady:
How did you get in here?

Hotshot Charlie:
Good old Chops. They see him around here so much, they thought he was a partner - junior grade. We walked right in.

[first lines]

Chopstick Joe:
What gives with you guys? Plane's been ready to take off for 15 minutes. I loaded cargo myself. It's just routine flight to Singapore. I loaded cargo myself. Come on, Terry, get going. Hit the sky!

Terry Lee:
A five-letter word meaning necessity of life...

Chopstick Joe:
Look, Terry, this is no time to be working on crossword puzzles. There's money involved.

Terry Lee:
Money! That's it, Chops! Five letters, necessity of life - it fits. I would have thought of it myself, but I haven't seen any for so long.

Chopstick Joe:
Look, Terry, I promised this load of raw silk would be in Singapore by tomorrow morning. With Chopsticks Joe, a promise is a promise.

[Hotshot coughs violently]

Hotshot Charlie:
Please, Chops, not while I'm eating.

Chopstick Joe:
Okay, so you're backing out on me just when I need you most and you won't even tell me why!

Hotshot Charlie:
You hear that, T. Lee? He thinks we're pilots.

Terry Lee:
I wonder where he got that idea?

Hotshot Charlie:
The way I hear it, pilots get paid for flappin' their wings.

Terry Lee:
And we haven't been paid a buck for two months.

Hotshot Charlie:
So if you don't get paid, you're not pilots.

Terry Lee:
If we're not pilots, we can't jockey a plane to Singapore - right, Chaz?

Hotshot Charlie:
Right, T. Lee.

Chopstick Joe:
If you two won't take that crate up, I'll fly it myself.

Hotshot Charlie:
Suicide will get you nowhere, Chops.

Terry Lee:
Hey, looks like we're coming into some rough weather.

Hotshot Charlie:
Maybe we can fly over it.

Terry Lee:
I don't know. I don't think this can of propellers can make the altitude. Maybe you ought to go back and check the cargo.

Hotshot Charlie:
What does the manifest say we're carrying?

Terry Lee:
Chops' own handwriting - 400 pounds of raw silk.

Hotshot Charlie:
You mean Chops loaded it; wrote out the bill of lading himself?

Terry Lee:
That could be anything from raw silk to samples of Fort Knox.

[Hotshot returns to the cockpit dragging a stowaway]

Terry Lee:
Everything shipshape?

Hotshot Charlie:
Yeah, except we're carrying an extra sailor.

Burma:
Look, boys, it's very simple. I'm on an assignment!

Terry Lee:
Huh?

Burma:
For Affiliated News Service. I met Mr. Trenton, the head of the Singapore office last week and talked him into giving me a crack at a job.

Hotshot Charlie:
You mean as a reporter?

Burma:
Sure! A girl can't live on her tonsils forever.

Dragon Lady:
How nice to see you again, Golden One.

Terry Lee:
I'm sorry, I can't say the same for myself, Dragon Lady.

[referring to the Dragon Lady]

Hotshot Charlie:
This gal's got more angles than a jigsaw puzzle.

Hotshot Charlie:
You mean it's *our* plane that's going to be blasted!

Dragon Lady:
I do hope you're heavily insured.

[last lines]

Burma:
I may not need another job. You see, Mr. Trenton asked me to marry him.

Terry Lee:
Oh?

Hotshot Charlie:
What?

Burma:
He got so worried about me he decided it must be love. What do you think, Terry? Shall I accept?

Terry Lee:
Well, that depends on whether you...

Burma:
Oh, Terry, I knew you wouldn't let me do it! That's exactly what I said to Mr. Trenton. I said I'm practically engaged already.

Hotshot Charlie:
[to Terry] Well, congratulations, old man!

Terry Lee:
Huh? What? Hey, now wait a minute! I just happened to remember - Chopstick expects us back tonight. Come on, Chaz, we'd better gas up the plane. See you around, Burma!

[first lines]

Hotshot Charlie:
[speaking into the cockpit microphone] Hear this, hear this: Air Cathay Flight 54, coming in on baling wire and bubble gum. Sortie points: Tokyo, Honolulu, Hong Kong, Catalina, Coney Island, Fire of All Nations and Cotton-Eyed Jean's Creep Joint.

Terry Lee:
That mike's been dead a year. You know what it's good for?

Hotshot Charlie:
Sure! Cracking walnuts.

Oriental:
No funny business.

Chopstick Joe:
[waving a wad of cash] Not when it's money business.

Chopstick Joe:
What's the matter, flyboys? Run into some unexpected sky?

Terry Lee:
We'll give you a full report in the morning, but right now we're too tired for bright talk and juicy jargon.

Chopstick Joe:
Gentlemen...

Hotshot Charlie:
Gentlemen? Uh-oh - big wind at 9 o'clock.

Chopstick Joe:
I would be the last to depricate your devotion to Air Cathay, flyboys. By burning the midnight oil, I thought it high time Chopstick Joe indicates his appreciation.

[Chopstick produces a large wad of cash from his pocket]

Terry Lee:
What do we have to do with whose body?

Terry Lee:
That green stuff's gone to your gray matter, Chops.

Dragon Lady:
There are more pleasant things to dwell upon.

Terry Lee:
If he's hurt...

Dragon Lady:
Of course not. He is expensive merchandise.

[Terry and the Dragon Lady kiss]

Terry Lee:
Pretty delicious package yourself.

Dragon Lady:
Well then?

Terry Lee:
Too much whipped cream. I can't take the calories.

Dragon Lady:
Be careful, Mr. Lee. If I can't have your heart, I may take your head.

Dragon Lady:
Mr. Lee, a word of caution - do not abuse my hospitality. Am I clear?

Terry Lee:
You're positively transparent.

Chopstick Joe:
[fleeing] I have a plane to catch!

Hotshot Charlie:
I have a throat to slit!

Chopstick Joe:
Ask me twenty questions, boys, but let's not get violent.

Hotshot Charlie:
Animal, vegetable, mineral or money?

Terry Lee:
So far, so good.

Hotshot Charlie:
So far, so lucky.

Boy:
Very expert flying.

Hotshot Charlie:
Almost ex-flyers.

[last lines]

Boy:
I want you in my royal air force. You will be commanders.

Hotshot Charlie:
Commanders? Not bad for two ex-GIs.

Terry Lee:
How many in Chi Nan's air force?

Boy:
Two - you and you.

Chopstick Joe:
The Baron de Bolai is old-time intrigue pal of many years. He comes to me to hire airplane after you boys wing off with Little Mandarin. He has own pilot.

Hotshot Charlie:
Holy cats! Don't you ever lose?

Chopstick Joe:
Since I already have vested interest in venture, to wit one plane, two flyboys...

Hotshot Charlie:
Ah, we're expendable.

Chopstick Joe:
But not the plane.

[the Oriental points his gun at Terry's chest]

Terry Lee:
Will you put that thing away? It might go off.

Oriental:
Precisely!

Chopstick Joe:
Shall I tell him the facts of life about 5000 feet, Terry my boy?

Terry Lee:
Gently, Charles. It's a nervous weapon.

Chopstick Joe:
The threat's over, old man. If we act up and you shoot us down, who'll fly this crate? You're a dead pigeon, too.

Hotshot Charlie:
What do you figure? I didn't see any cargo back there.

Terry Lee:
Probably loaded in the tail. But 55 pounds of what?

Hotshot Charlie:
Gold, diamonds, platinum, radium, penicillin, jade, narcotics... I got it!

Terry Lee:
What?

Hotshot Charlie:
Bubblegum.

Hotshot Charlie:
Uh-oh. Gander at 9 o'clock. Aircraft.

Terry Lee:
Ditto at 3 o'clock.

[the mysterious fighter planes close to attack Terry's aircraft]

Hotshot Charlie:
And the dawn comes up like thunder...

[Hotshort removes the Dragon Lady's gag and kisses her passionately, then regags her]

Hotshot Charlie:
Egad, what a cad!

Chopstick Joe:
One more chance - a chance to get even.

Yat Chang Hoy:
Chopstick, you are a fool and a son of a fool! You can trace your ancestry of fools into the shadow of time. Am I to risk your worthless pledges against your worthless words?

Chopstick Joe:
Yat Chang Hoy, you are an unwashed hill bandit and you are the son of an even dirtier hill bandit, and have inherited from his ancestors that madness which comes when water first touched them.

Dragon Lady:
Have done with the compliments, gentlemen.

Yat Chang Hoy:
Chopstick - your dice... a souvenir you should cherish.

Chopstick Joe:
You cherish them! They're the last honest pair I'll ever use.

[indicating a door in the back of their cell]

Hotshot:
I wonder where that goes?

Terry Lee:
Wherever it goes, we're not going - it's locked.

Yat Chang Hoy:
I shall send you down by caravan. They leave quite frequently.

Hotshot:
A caravan? Smuggling goods, no doubt.

Yat Chang Hoy:
Captain Charles, smuggling is a breach of the law. I could scarecely do such a thing, since here I *am* the law.

[Terry has just insulted their captor, Yat Chang Hoy]

Hotshot:
I don't think you displayed great wisdom, chum.

Terry Lee:
The smuggler!

Hotshot:
I think you have complicated matters.

Terry Lee:
The dirty smuggler!

Hotshot:
I think you have got us both shot.

Terry Lee:
That no good dirty smuggler!

Hotshot:
And I'm so proud of ya, I could hug ya!

Terry Lee:
Not in that shirt you don't.

Terry Lee:
How far would you trust this Singdee?

Burma:
A long way.

Hotshot:
Ohh, I wouldn't. Don't forget, Singdee has been breathing heavily through the nose over Burma. When he sees her taking off with us, Singdee won't be happy.

Terry Lee:
Oh, the man wise in the ways of women.

Hotshot:
And guys who love women. I've been there.

Terry Lee:
Air goop. Grooms the hair, lubricates warts and makes an excellent holding base for cordite. What'll you have?

Burma:
A nice explosion, please - Size 12.

[title sequence]

[pointing out the cockpit window]

Hotshot Charlie:
Hey, Terry!

Terry Lee:
Look out, Hotshot! Here we go!

[first lines]

Narrator:
Somewhere over Asia, the modern airplane blends with the endless clouds. This is one of the planes of Air Cathay - proprietor, Chopstick Joe - a colorful Oriental character with a flair for Occidental hep talk, offering his services to one and all, but first of all to himself.

Chopstick Joe:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't blow your flaps. There are times when a man has no choice. Sometimes urgency requires expediency.

Terry Lee:
Air Cathay to Flight 2, come in.

Hotshot Charlie:
Greetings T. Lee, this is Hotshot Charles C. Charles - Chaz, that is - reporting to all you nature lovers that the sky is beautiful, the ozone fresh and the clouds are sensational.

Terry Lee:
Hotshot, what are you doing up there?

Hotshot Charlie:
Since I am not a celestial being, it should be obvious that I'm flying an aircraft on the 328 beam into Tokyo at 8000 feet, ably assisted by one Okura. So buzz off, boys. I've got to get this bucket of bolts into the Land of the Rising Sun.

Chopstick Joe:
Air Cathay calling Flight 2, Air Cathay calling Flight 2 - for the love of Buddha, come in!

Chopstick Joe:
Just 'cause a couple of schmos ask for you plane, you gotta give it to them?

Hotshot Charlie:
Look, look, I said I'd fly for you, not die for you.

Quate:
You should have checked their credentials. You should have made doubly sure. This is all your bungling!

Chopstick Joe:
Look, Chumley, I run Air Cathay, not Scotland Yard. I don't ask for fingerprints.

Dragon Lady:
Cigarette, Terry Lee?

Terry Lee:
The Dragon Lady! I should have known you'd be mixed up in something like this.

Dragon Lady:
In Macao, I'm Madame Roulette.

[last lines]

Hotshot Charlie:
There she goes!

Burma:
You don't think you'll catch her.

Terry Lee:
She's a dangerous woman!

Burma:
Oh? Is that what you want?

[Terry grabs her and they kiss passionately]

Hotshot Charlie:
Terry!

Martha Witherspoon:
So you are the famed lady dragon? Very attractive.

Dragon Lady:
I am known as the Dragon Lady.

Martha Witherspoon:
I dare say the dragon men are very happy over the arrangement.

Dragon Lady:
Whatever you do, Chopstick Joe, remember your head.

Chopstick Joe:
My head?

Dragon Lady:
Whatever you do, you would be most useless without it.

[Chopstick finds Terry and Burma kissing passionately in the middle of the street]

Chopstick Joe:
The place is Tanzan, the hour three o'clock. I now return you to heaven.

Burma:
Chops!

Chopstick Joe:
I just didn't want my flyboy to become a fire hazard.

Chopstick Joe:
Do like she says.

Terry Lee:
Not until she tells me where Burma is.

Dragon Lady:
Your concern for her is touching.

Hotshot Charlie:
And infuriating, eh, D.L.?

Dragon Lady:
[to Hotshot] Your ears would make a lovely loving cup for my mantle.

Hotshot Charlie:
How you doin'? Get the short fixed?

Terry Lee:
Yeah. How's the radio?

Hotshot Charlie:
Good old Hotshot, boy genius, has done it again.

Terry Lee:
Let's get goin'. Drag up the ladder.

Hotshot Charlie:
Aye-aye... yi-yi-yiyiyiyi.

[a beautiful blonde climbs aboard Terry's airplane]

Georgia:
Well, I declare you boys aren't Chinese a'tall. Hope y'all don't mind me bargin' in like this.

Terry Lee:
Mind?

Hotshot Charlie:
Well, fan my brow and hand me a mint julep.

Hotshot Charlie:
I'm Georgia Pettigrew.

Hotshot Charlie:
Charles C. Charles, ma'am.

[indicates Terry]

Hotshot Charlie:
Terence Lee, noted airplane driver.

Chopstick Joe:
Some days, I've got a good mind to give up this business and go straight.

Chopstick Joe:
Now that you've got that body out of here, I can breathe again.

Lt. Leong:
According to his papers, Ed Norton was the mate on the coastal freight Mandarin. I ask you again - did you know this man?

Vorick:
I've told you "no". Now what you are getting at, Lieutenant?

Lt. Leong:
Merely that where murder and violence are, there also is Mr. Vorick. Sometime we will prove this is no coincidence.

Chopstick Joe:
You come in on the Canton flight? Where's my Romeos?

Georgia:
I declare you've got the darlin'est flyer in the world! I'm so crazy about him, I can't tell you.

Chopstick Joe:
Lieutenant, all right if I go talk to my flyboys? Cornpone is too much for me.

Chopstick Joe:
You and your cheesecake. A noose is around my throat and all he can think of is dames!

Terry Lee:
Yeah, where are your feelings, Chaz?

Hotshot Charlie:
In there with Miss Dixieland of 1952.

Terry Lee:
Aw, relax, Chops. You're in the clear - that's the main thing.

Chopstick Joe:
Lots of guys have said that just before the jury's brought in the wrong verdict.

Lt. Leong:
Experience has taught us the guilty one makes the most noise about his innocence.

Chopstick Joe:
Experience, Lieutenant, is word police use for mistake.

Lt. Leong:
Who killed Mr. Norton?

Chopstick Joe:
Not having crystal ball in good working order, nor hindsight, nor foresight... I do not know.

Lt. Leong:
With Chopstick, one looks for the devious, not the obvious.

Terry Lee:
You know, when he got off the hook with the lieutenant this afternoon, I thought he'd be a nice, sweet, lovable guy.

Chopstick Joe:
Don't laugh, Terry. I was on the spot!

Hotshot Charlie:
Why? You were innocent.

Chopstick Joe:
That's what made it rough. I didn't know how to handle myself.

Terry Lee:
Hey, Chops, where are those manifests? We want to get going.

Hotshot Charlie:
Aw, he's probably guzzling tea in the privacy of his boudoir... one of those solitary drinkers.

[last lines]

[referring to the stolen museum pieces]

Terry Lee:
Do you think they were worth it?

Georgia:
A girl can try.

Georgia:
[to Lt. Leong] Well, what are we waiting for.

[first lines]

Terry Lee:
Taking the flight away from us and giving it to Morrell - there must be some reason.

Hotshot Charlie:
I know a guy got this nose snipped off looking for reasons and when the party of the first part is Chopstick Joe, one can lose the other attachments including an eye.

[after a sharp exchange of words between the Dragon Lady and Lomar]

Chopstick Joe:
With all these sparks around here, we need some lightning rod.

Captain Lomar:
Chopstick, you're a fool!

Chopstick Joe:
I don't mind being a fool for the 10% I'm making on this deal.

Dr. Maitland:
I wouldn't sign a certificate for this cargo if my life depended on it.

Captain Lomar:
Believe me, Doctor, you life does depend on it.

Terry Lee:
Look at this.

Hotshot Charlie:
So help me, it's a cigarette - a Mandarin. They're plentiful out here.

Terry Lee:
I got it from the doctor and he claims to be fresh from the States.

Hotshot Charlie:
Ah, I don't follow you, dear boy.

Terry Lee:
Only old Chinese hands smoke Mandarins. Most white men can't stand 'em.

Hotshot Charlie:
Well, I've tried them in moments in moments of great poverty. You can get better smoke out of a wet carpet.

[discovering Morell is eavesdropping, Terry and Hotshot supply false information to throw him off the scent]

Hotshot Charlie:
Was I dumb enough?

Terry Lee:
Naturally. You're hired.

Hotshot Charlie:
We must play Little Theater again sometime.

Hotshot Charlie:
I yield to no one in my appreciation of Oriental art, but there is a small segment of my mind which I reserve for the well-being of Charles C. Charles - Hotshot Charlie to the multitudes - and at the moment I feel myself somewhat depressed about his future.

Hotshot Charlie:
We'd better get some help.

Terry Lee:
There's no time.

Hotshot Charlie:
There's a household full of thugs in there - a whole mob of them.

Terry Lee:
We'll have the element of surprise in our favor.

Hotshot Charlie:
I'd rather have a half dozen cops.

[last lines]

Chopstick Joe:
I didn't know the rice was rotten.

Dragon Lady:
No doubt you did not.

Chopstick Joe:
There's limits to how far even old Chopstick would go to make a buck.

Dragon Lady:
As you acted in good faith, I have no alternative but to pay you your commission.

Chopstick Joe:
Now you're cookin'!

Dragon Lady:
Guard! I am prepared to pay the first installment now.

[the guard leaves a barrel of moldy rice]

Chopstick Joe:
But this stuff is rotten, dear.

Dragon Lady:
It is, isn't it?

Chopstick Joe:
Sometimes I think I never should have gone straight.

[Hotshot flicks a switch]

Hotshot Charlie:
Since I have done all the heavy manual labor, let's go to Topic A - the name of that gorgeous creature flying in the caboose of this waste basket.

Terry Lee:
I only have eyes for my work, pal.

Hotshot Charlie:
You also have a careless way with the truth. You know, this girl is passing fair.

Terry Lee:
She is.

Hotshot Charlie:
This girl is provocatively formed.

Terry Lee:
She is.

Hotshot Charlie:
This girl is alluring.

Terry Lee:
She is.

Hotshot Charlie:
Idol of the captain of this cockpit.

Terry Lee:
That is correct. You may now sit down, Master Charles.

Hotshot Charlie:
I wonder what he's doing out here with a passion flower like that.

Terry Lee:
Might be his wife.

Hotshot Charlie:
There's evidence against it.

Terry Lee:
What evidence?

Hotshot Charlie:
He wouldn't let her carry the luggage and helped her aboard the plane.

Babi Randall:
Is there really as much as you say there is?

Jack Randall:
Babi darling, the gems from a dozen temples are in that pit. Diamonds like walnuts; emeralds that burn with a cold green glare; translucent jade bracelets carved by finer artisans than Cellini.

Jack Randall:
Drink?

Terry Lee:
Tea if you don't mind.

Hotshot Charlie:
I, too, will slosh a beaker or two of the native brew while I bask in the beauty of Mrs. Randall.

Terry Lee:
As chief pilot of Air Cathay, I can charter you a plane and pilot, but I'm trying to think who'd be the best man at the stick for you.

Babi Randall:
Oh, Captain Lee, you must pilot us in yourself! I wouldn't think of entering that horrid jungle without you.

Hotshot Charlie:
And if Captain Lee doesn't rise and salute you, I will beat him every hour on the hour until he barks like a fox, every bark meaning, "Yeah!"

Terry Lee:
Well, I guess we can get her up there and back, right, Chaz?

Hotshot Charlie:
With Mrs. Randall's eyes upon me, I can fly her to Mars. Now coming back's another matter.

Babi Randall:
Jack are you sure?

Jack Randall:
When you have a trail of dead men behind you, Babi, you have to be sure about everything.

Terry Lee:
Look, will you promise to keep out of this envelope?

Chopstick Joe:
I take an oath on my ancestors. My most worthy and illustrious...

Hotshot Charlie:
Well, that's better than no hope at all.