Texaco Star Theatre Starring Milton Berle

[Opening theme]

Singers:
Oh, we're the men of Texaco. / We work from Maine to Mexico. / There's nothing like this Texaco of ours; / Our show tonight is powerful, / We'll wow you with an hourful / of howls from a showerful / of stars; / We're the merry Texaco-men. / Tonight we may be showmen; / Tomorrow we'll be servicing / your cars."

Host:
And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I look into your faces, and believe me, some of your faces need looking into...

[sleigh bells ring constantly in the background]

Host:
Christmas, when peace and good fellowship... thank you, tha-that's all, thank you... When peace and good fellowship... that's enough with the bells, thank you. It's over, thank you. Peace and good fellow... (whistle) Knock off. Peace and... OK. (gunshot)

Milton Berle:
You fooled me. I didn't even know you spoke English.

Keye Luke:
Well, I didn't know you did, either.

Himself - Host/Performer:
Where are you going?

: I've got a date with a beauty!

Himself - Host/Performer:
Well, cancel your date, 'cause you're goin' with me.

: I've got a date with a beast.

Himself - Host:
[to Bankhead] Don't lower your voice to me!

Himself - Host:
[to Bankhead] I didn't realize you were so interested in the national pastime.

Tallulah Bankhead:
Dahling, I AM the national pastime.

Himself - Host:
When I'm a star on Broadway, they'll be lining up at the box office!

Frank Sinatra:
I hope they all get their money back.

Narrator:
11:45 a.m.: This is the first day of rehearsal. I'll give you all the facts, ma'am. This is the day the guest stars meet for the first time. They get to know each other. The next day they call each other by their first names. By the end of the week, they call each other names.

Narrator:
These are the scripts the guest stars will soon begin to read - those that can read. The big concern of the guest stars is the number of jokes they have, so the first thing they do is to count the jokes - those who can count. But what of the star who thinks he doesn't have enough jokes? It's the same problem every week... the star with the smallest talent makes the biggest disturbance.

Himself - Host:
I haven't got enough jokes! I just haven't got enough jokes. Fine writers - the jokes they gave me could fit on a piece of confetti.

[parodying Dragnet's Mark VII logo closing]

Narrator:
This has been a Buick V-VIII production.

Himself - Host:
All right, Pete, if you do work in night clubs and it's night club jokes you want, I can give you 500 jokes all told.

Peter Lawford:
All told by whom?

[immediately after referencing Marilyn Monroe]

Himself - Host:
I've got a joke right here that would close the network.

Himself - Host:
Stars like me don't grow on trees!

Francis:
You should be hangin' from one!

[Milton is interviewing an Air Force officer he's pulled from the crowd]

Himself - Host:
Your town must be very proud of what you're doing.

Himself - Sketch Actor:
Yes sir, they were - until just a few minutes ago.