That's My Boy

[from trailer]

Donny:
That's my boy!

[from trailer]

Jamie:
Todd, your old man's here to see you!

Donny:
WASSUP!

[Todd hurls his drink]

[from trailer]

Donny:
[reads a magazine] Whoa, that's my boy! He moved out when he was eighteen, I haven't seen him since...

Brie:
It says here he's one of the most successful hedge fund managers in the finance industry.

Champale:
Maybe your son can help you...

Todd:
You know what I do remember? You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk!

Donny:
It makes sense to me. When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home!

Todd:
I was eight!

[from trailer]

Donny:
Give me another chance. Get to know me a little bit...

[from trailer]

Donny:
I promise you, I'll never forget you again.

[gives him a gift]

Todd:
You got me a gift... an earring? But I don't have a pierced ear.

Donny:
Yeah...

[Donny jams the earring on his son's ear]

Todd:
[his face smeared with blood] Am I bleeding?

Donny:
I don't think so.

[from trailer]

Jamie:
OH MY GOD! I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! And something else...

[inspects the dress]

Jamie:
You puked on my dress, and then f***ed it?

Donny:
[laughs at Todd] You're a madman!

[from trailer]

Donny:
What'd I do to his back?

Todd:
Let me jog your memory...

[shows a tattoo on his back]

Donny:
[laughs] The New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped!

Todd:
That's because I got it in third grade; my body grew!

[from trailer]

Jamie:
[to Donny] Ever since you got here, Todd's been acting like a different person!

Donny:
Do you have any AXE body spray?

Todd:
No, Donny. I don't have any AXE body spray because I'm not a f***ing douchebag.

Donny:
That's a douchebag thing? When did that become a douchebag thing?

Dante Spirou:
Vanilla Ice banged grandma? That's f***ing awesome!

Donny:
Facebook? You know I can't afford that sh*t. What am I, a billionaire?

Todd:
[after punching Chad] At ease, b*tch!

Phil:
Let me introduce myself: My name's Phil, I'm married, I have four children, and I've seen three vaginas in my entire life - my wife's, my baby's, and my aunt's accidentally when we were riding tandem bikes together.

Donny:
Hi, I'm Todd Peterson.

Hotel Desk Clerk #1:
No, you're not. You're Donny Berger. You got your teacher pregnant.

Donny:
Okay.

[Donny walks over to the next clerk]

Donny:
Hi, I'm Todd Peterson.

Hotel Desk Clerk #2:
What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?

Donny:
What room was my fiance in again?

Hotel Desk Clerk #2:
Let me check, 641.

Donny:
Thanks, you're a stud.

[the first clerk gives the second clerk a confused look]

Hotel Desk Clerk #2:
Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here using a fake name, you go with it!

Hotel Desk Clerk #1:
Okay!

Todd:
[Talking to the priest after being reprimanded, almost whispering] You know I, can't hear a word you're saying. All I can focus on is your sh*t breath.

School Buddy #1:
What's a handjob?

School Buddy #2:
I don't know, but I think I want one.

Donny:
We were friends for 20 years, guy!

Vanilla Ice:
We were friends until you banged my mother!

Donny:
I didn't know it was her, I swear to god! It's not like her last name is Ice!

Vanilla Ice:
You should'a known by the haircut!

Jim Nance:
[about the IRS] You haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny!

Donny:
What- I thought they were taking it out automatically!

Jim Nance:
I told them that's what you thought and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard.

Strip Club DJ:
And now looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders, let's welcome Amber. [Amber comes on stage in a neck brace]

Kenny:
What the f*** happened to her?

Amber:
F*** you, Kenny!

Strip Club Patron:
Hey, what's up, RoboCop?

Donny:
I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large, so...

Vanilla Ice:
What, you think I got that kind of money?

Donny:
Of course you got that kind of money. Royalties from 'Ice Ice Baby', you must be f***in' loaded!

Vanilla Ice:
Man, listen: Queen took 50 percent, Suge took the other 60 percent. I f***in' *owe* money when that sh*t gets played, man!

Chad:
So Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway?

Todd:
Oh, it's actually hedge funds.

Chad:
[seething] You think you're better than me?

Phil:
Hey look, this might seem weird, but do you think you would ever...

Donny:
Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean I'd love to. She's a hot little number.

Phil:
Well, you know, I was just gonna ask you for an autograph.

Donny:
Oh, oh, I'm sorry! On her tits, or...?

Donny:
Your mother was a math teacher and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself.

Todd:
The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup does not make you a whiz kid, Donny.

Bridesmaid:
So you actually knew Todd's father?

Donny:
Of course I knew the guy. He was handsome, he had f***in' great hair, uh, a Jedi with the chicks. Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver and he wanted to see others be happy.

Helen:
Oh, I wish I could have met him.

Todd:
[after Jamie whispers in his ear] What? Agh! You f*** your brother? [the crowd uproars]

Father Shakalu:
F***ing white people.

Jamie:
[after the wedding derails, to Todd] Don't you see? It's gonna be even better now! You're a mess, I'm a mess. Come on, Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here!

Father Shakalu:
I gotta be part of this sh*t?

Donny:
[the waitress brings in drinks] Oh, alright, alright, now we're talkin'. Thanks, honey. What the f***'s your name? Jessica. All right. Hey, come on, here's to the kid! He's f***in' gettin' all f***ed up, huh? Tonight! Last night! F***in' last night of poontang for this kid! [takes large sip from drink, then spits it out all over Jessica and Mrs. Ravensdale] What the f*** is this?

Mrs. Ravensdale:
It's water infused with cucumber, rose pedal, and harvest sandalwood.

Donny:
It tastes like f***in' dick infused with balls, and a side of f***in' raw sewage jizz.

Masseuse:
[sees 5 dollar bill in Donny's towel] What's this, sir?

Donny:
Oh, that's just a little, eheh, tip if you give me a full package.

Masseuse:
Oh, okay. That's a 150 dollar additional charge.

Donny:
Heh, you're talkin' to the wrong guy. That's a little out of my price range.

Masseuse:
It includes scalp treatment, reflexology...

Donny:
How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.

Todd:
Donny! This isn't a brothel.