That Thing You Do!

Phil Horace:
A hit record is like a stew. All the ingredients have to come together just right. Otherwise, it's just soup.

Mr. White:
You guys look great in black, have I told you that?

Mr. White:
You guys look great in gold, have I told you that?

Mr. White:
You guys look great in red, have I told you that?

Lenny:
Where was I? Oh yeah, playing songs on my guitar.

Guy:
Yeah, we were pretty wild, up in Eerie, Penn.

Lenny:
Yeah, there was this one time, we stayed up way past midnight...

Villapiano:
Know what this is?

Lenny:
Presidential flashcards?

Villapiano:
Nope. A bonus. And do you know why?

Lenny:
I have no idea.

Villapiano:
To entice you back!... The word is out on you o-NEE-ders!

Lenny:
Hey, that's o-NEH-ders!

Heckler:
Hey, when are you gonna play "That Thing You Do!"?

Heckler:
We came here to meet girls and dance, and we can't meet girls until we dance!

Jimmy:
Diane Dane told me never trust a label. And I'm beginning to believe her.

Lenny:
Well, sure. I mean, come on. They put us up in a first class hotel, all expenses paid, while our record climbs the charts; bunch of lyin' snakes.

Jimmy:
Sorry, I guess I'm just alone in my principles.

Lenny:
Oh come on. Oh, there he goes off to his room to write that hit song "Alone in my principles."

Mr. White:
I don't want any of this lover's lament crap. I want something peppy, something happy, something up-tempo. I want something snappy.

Lenny:
I play a lot of cards. Obviously. Wanna see my deck?

Lenny:
See? You gotta be quick! You gotta be quick with me! I'm from Erie, P.A.!

Freddy Fredrickson:
Miss Diane Dane! There she is. Diane Dane. Look at that dress, huh? That's a... that's a... gold dress.

Lenny Haise:
Oh, I'm not here with these fellas. I've got a pig in competition over at the livestock pavilion, and I am going to win that blue ribbon!

Faye:
You mean actually make a record? A record record, record?

Mr. White:
You know, Horace was right about you, Guy; you are the smart one. Lenny is the fool, Jimmy is the... talent, and Faye is... well, now, Faye is special, isn't she? And you are the smart one. That's what I think, anyway.

Lenny Haise:
You see, we're not "The Wonders" right now. We're "Cap'n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters".

Marguerite:
Look at you. You're no good to me now.

Faye:
Was she a good kisser?

Guy:
Yeah.

Faye:
Yeah?

Guy:
It would be ungentlemanly of me to elaborate.

Guy Patterson:
When was the last time you were decently kissed? I mean, really, honestly good and kissed?

Mr. White:
Any questions? Don't ask. I'm tired of talking to you and I want to sleep.

Guy:
Well, I am the drummer.

Lenny:
Are you crazy? A man in a really nice camper wants to put our song on the radio! Gimme a pen, I'm signin'! You're signin'! We're all signin'!

Mr. Patterson:
Darlene, you just got promoted.

Darlene Patterson:
You mean you're gonna start paying me?

Mr. Patterson:
I didn't say that.

Mr. White:
This "Oneders" thing, with the o-n-e, it doesn't work. It's confusing. From now on, you're just The Wonders.

Lenny:
As in, I wonder what happened to the O-Needers?

Lenny:
Hey, wasn't that our fan?

Faye:
I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses on you - kisses that I thought were special because of your lips and your smile and all your color and life. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled. But now I know you don't mean any of it. You just save it for all your songs. Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.

Guy Patterson:
I... am... Spartacus!

Lenny Haise:
So how long have you worked at Play-tone?

Lenny Haise:
Hey, if that's a pick-up line we're a match made in heaven.

Guy Patterson:
I'm Guy Patterson, I'm from Erie, Pennsylvania, I'm in a band called The Wonders and we just cut a record, we're out here on the coast and I play the drums and I have all your records well not all of them but a lot of them but ah at least I did until some of them got swiped when I was stationed in Germany and you were playing in Germany at the time that I was stationed there, but you know what I couldn't see you because you were playing in Hamburg and I was stationed in Munich but I listen to your records and I think you're great.

Guy Patterson:
You are my biggest fan.

Dell Paxton:
Thanks.

Mr. White:
It is very important that you don't stink today.

Lenny Haise:
Hey, I make no guarantees.

Jimmy:
Shoulda dumped you in Pittsburgh!

Jimmy:
Which one of you butts said we were engaged?

Mr. White:
The same person who said you had class, Jimmy.

Lenny Haise:
You're talking gibberish!

Guy Patterson:
I led you here, sir, for I am Spartacus.

Lenny:
Skitch. How did we get here?

Guy:
I led you here, sir, for I am Spartacus.

Jimmy:
I... I quit, I quit. I quit.

Mr. Patterson:
Open Saturday ten to ten. Open Sunday twelve to six... open on Sunday from twelve to six! You know, I don't believe I want to live in a country where you stay open on Sunday to business. You shouldn't have to work on Sunday to support your family.

Guy Patterson:
But we still have a hit record.

Mr. White:
Yes, you do.

Mr. White:
The one-hit Wonders.

Mr. White:
A very common tale.

Guy:
When will the records be ready?

Uncle Bob:
Luke 21:19

The Bass Player:
In your patience possess ye your souls.

Lenny:
Luke? Who's Luke? When will the records be ready?

The Bass Player:
Guys, Chad fell down.

Talent Show Emcee:
Hey, how do you sell a chicken to a deaf man?

Heckler:
Your a jerk Em!

Talent Show Emcee:
You say HEY, would you like to buy a chicken?

Heckler:
Eat my shorts Em.

Talent Show Emcee:
Shut up! I'll kick your ass!

Jimmy:
That was perfect man!

The Bass Player:
It took Chad a week to learn that.

Lenny:
Chad? Who's Chad?

Jimmy:
We were wondering if you'd like to fill in for Chad just for tonight.

Guy:
Why?

Lenny:
A**hole... just broke his arm!

Lenny:
Thank you, Illinois! The Land of Lincoln!

[the band's thinking of their name]

Faye:
But I thought you already decided on The Echoes.

Jimmy:
Nah, some band in Buffalo's the Echoes. And I wasn't wild about that.

Lenny:
Let's just call us The - Band You're About To Hear.

Chad:
How about The Corvettes?

Jimmy:
Is that The Corvettes, or the Chordvettes?

Chad:
No, Corvettes, like the car.

Jimmy:
Well see, I was thinking like the Chord...[writes Chordvettes] Chordvettes, like chords in our music.

Lenny:
[Guy walks in] Is that "Skitch" Patterson?

Chad:
Here he is, Erie's lone beatnik.

The Bass Player:
How about the Tempos? Ya know, tempos?

Lenny:
Not the Tempos, the Tempos. I was in a band already called The Tempos, and we were... terrible.

Chad:
Hey Guy, weren't you the drummer for the Tempos?

Guy:
Heard that.

Villapiano:
[laying out money on the bar] Know what that is?

Lenny:
[pauses, then answers hesitantly] Pres - idential flash cards?

Villapiano:
A bonus. Do you know why?

Lenny:
I have no idea.

Villapiano:
To entice you back! The word is out on you O-neders!

Lenny:
Hey, that's O-nedders!

[Jimmy's not too pleased with The Wonders being at the shooting of beach flick "Weekend at Party Pier"]

Jimmy:
Hey, do we have a Top 10 record?

Mr. White:
You sure do.

Jimmy:
Well, then, we shouldn't be here.

Mr. White:
Jimmy, you'd rather be back on that state fair tour? They're playing in North Dakota this week.

[The Wonders prepare to rock the Hollywood Television Showcase]

Lenny:
Skitch, how did we get here?

Guy:
I led you here, sir, for I am Spartacus.

[Jimmy's infuriated about the TV footage of their performance]

Jimmy:
It just appeared, like magic, for the whole world to see.

Faye:
I didn't say anything, I was just as surprised as you.

Jimmy:
"Careful, girls, he's engaged." Am I supposed to buy you some diamond ring now?

Faye:
You're ruining this beautiful moment.

Jimmy:
Where'd you get the idea that we're engaged? We're not! Last thing I need in the world!

[after Jimmy bolts the studio and Lenny is nowhere to be found]

Scott Pell:
Well, I guess you don't need me today. [picks up guitar case and leaves]

Mr. White:
Yeah. Wolfman, thank you very much. You're a good man, Scott Pell. Give me a call later on in the week. We'll do something. [Pell nods in agreement and leaves studio]

Guy:
I can't believe this.

Mr. White:
The Wonders are in breach of contract.

Guy:
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Mr. White.

Mr. White:
Well, don't worry. No one's going to prison, son. It's a very common tale.

Guy:
Well, maybe for you, but I was in a band, we still have a hit record.

Mr. White:
Yes, you do. The one-hit Wonders. A very common tale.

Guy:
My first time in a real recording studio.

Mr. White:
You want to hang around for a while? Ok by me, but you're out of the hotel this afternoon. Can't help that. [approaches Guy] You know, Horace was right about you, Guy; you are the smart one. Lenny is the fool, Jimmy is the... talent, and Faye is... [sees Guy's face change at mention of her name] well, now, Faye is special, isn't she? And you are the smart one. That's what I think anyway. [leaves studio]

[Knowing that Faye could be going back east and out of his life, Guy tries to go after her]

Lamarr The Doorman:
So, young squire?

Guy Patterson:
[to Faye] Before you go, let me ask you one question.

Faye Dolan:
Shoot.

Guy:
When was the last time you were decently kissed? I mean, truly, truly, good and kissed?

Faye:
Dave Gammelgard, New Year's Eve, '61.

Guy:
[pause] Okay. [kisses Faye, backs off and they kiss longer as Lamarr smiles]

Faye:
[having kissed] We should have done that a long time ago.

“Neat-o!” Heckler/fan reaction when seeing and buying a real vinyl record of TTYD from Faye.