The 10th Kingdom

Trolls:
Suck an Elf!

Trolls:
Nicey Nice!

Wolf:
No, no! "Rare" implies dangerously cooked. When I say rare I mean just let it look at the oven in terror, then bring it out to me.

Wolf:
Butter would not melt in my mouth. Well, it would melt. Of course it would melt, but very slowly.

The Evil Queen (Christine White):
I hope you like dogs, Wendell. You're going to spend the rest of your life as one.

The Evil Queen (Christine White):
There are no 'masters' here! Only one mistress! Don't forget that, doggy.

The Evil Queen (Christine White):
[When a farmer's daughter reveals that the fake Wendell has told her family everything] Oh, dear. That really was the wrong answer.

The Evil Queen (Christine White):
I admire your foresight. And had you arrived two hours earlier you would have found me... poisoning the apples! [Relish and his men collapse as the poison takes effect] Poison is something of a science with me, and I seem to have timed it just right. You know what they say, Relish? An army marches on its stomach.

Anthony "Tony" Lewis:
What is it with you people? What kind of twisted upbringing did you have? You know, why can't you just say, 'Oh, that'll be 100 gold coins'? Why does it always have to be, 'No! Not unless you lay a magic egg, or count the hairs on that giant's ass!'?

Anthony "Tony" Lewis:
[Meeting the village idiot] Do we have magnets in our pockets? How do we attract people like this?

The Huntsman:
I know your destiny. You'll ask a question, and die before it is answered.

The Huntsman:
This is a magic crossbow. When fired, it will not stop until it hits the heart of a living being. It cannot miss.

The Huntsman:
What is destined to happen, will happen, no matter what we do!

Relish the Troll King:
What a pathetic display. How DARE you, call yourselves my children!

Relish the Troll King:
I'm taking my half of the kingdom right now. Wanna make something of it?

Burly:
This could be a long torture session.

Virginia:
I'll tell you anything you wanna know.

Burly:
Torture first, then you talk. It's better that way. Rush a torture, ruin a torture.

Blue Bell:
I think we might be in her pocket.

Burly:
What?

Blue Bell:
I think she might have shrunk us, and put us in a matchbox in her pocket.

Burly:
That's ridiculous. You're falling to pieces. Get a grip on yourself. How can we be in a matchbox, you idiot? Where are all the matches?

[In an elevator]

Virginia:
Our mirror's smashed, what can we do? Where the hell are the other two?

Gustav the Magic Mirror:
Mirror one shattered be, by an oaf called Anthony. Mirror two is on a bed with barnacles upon its head.

Anthony:
A bed... with barnacles.

Virginia:
The sea bed!

Dwarf Librarian:
Yes. One fell into the Great Northern Sea. I think you can safely discount that one.

Gustav the Magic Mirror:
What you seek has not been seen, since it was stolen by the Queen.

Anthony:
The Queen! That's all we need.

Prince Wendell:
Anthony, uh, any chance of a little biscuit?

Anthony:
No, no, no, umm... Very helpful you have been, just tell us where we can find the Queen.

Gustav the Magic Mirror:
Near she is, but not alone. in a place that's not her home. In a castle, out of sight,where once the Queen was called Snow White.

Anthony:
That's Prince Wendell's castle.

Frog:
One door leads to safety. One door leads to a horrible death. [Croaks] You may ask me one question. Ribbit. But I always lie.

Wolf:
Oh, I learned this in school but I could NEVER remember it!

Virginia:
If we ask him which one's the safe door...

Wolf:
Well then he'll lie, and say it's the other one. Or is it the other way around?

Virginia:
I don't know!

Tony:
All right, all right. Wait, wait! I have a question! What is the point in having a door that has a horrible death behind it? Huh? [picks up frog]

Frog:
Get your hands off me!

Tony:
What does that achieve?!

[Tony starts walking towards the doors, holding the frog]

Frog:
What are you doing?

Tony:
I mean, what is the purpose of your life? Just to be a pain?!

Frog:
Don't touch me there, only my girlfriend touches me there!

[Tony throws the frog through one of the doors]

Frog:
WHOA!

[Tony slams the door; it shakes violently as a large explosion occurs behind it]

Wolf:
I guess it's the other one.

Prince Wendell:
And now, for the greatest bravery imaginable. For courage in the face of relentless and terrible danger, I award my dear friends the highest medals in my Kingdom. Firstly, my temporary manservant, Antony. My people, look upon my friend. No longer is he spineless and wallowing in self pity.

Tony:
Thanks.

Prince Wendell:
No longer is he a balding useless coward who would rather run than fight.

Tony:
I think they got the message.

Prince Wendell:
No longer is he selfishly driven by envy and greed.

Tony:
Wendell, the medal.

Prince Wendell:
No. He is heroically transformed. What braver man could exist, than Antony the Valiant?

Blabberwort:
This isn't part of the Nine Kingdoms! This is a magical place! Look at all those lights!

Bluebell:
They must go through a ton of candles!

Blabberwort:
Maybe we should claim this kingdom!

Burly:
That's a sensational idea! Let's grab it before someone else does!

Blabberwort:
[drawing a dagger] I hereby claim this land and all its inhabitants in the name of the Troll nation. Henceforth, it shall be known as- what should we call it?

[the three trolls think for a moment]

Bluebell:
The 10th Kingdom!

Blabberwort, Bluebell, Burly:
The 10th Kingdom!

["Saturday Night Fever" plays on a boom box]

Blue Bell:
They are called 'The Brothers Gibb.'

Blabberwort:
And the song: it concerns a deadly fever that only strikes on Saturdays.

Tony:
[Wolf offers to test Wendell's "prince sensing skills" before tossing a stick at his gold-imprisoned dog form] That's not funny!

Wolf:
It can get funnier if we keep on doing it.

Wolf:
Don't worry, I'm not who I used to be. I've had extensive therapy. I realize I have been using food as a substitute for love and I have the books to prove it: "Breaking the Cycle", "Heal Yourself in 7 Days", "Stop Blaming Yourself, Please", and "Help for the Bed-Wetting Child", which I picked up by mistake. But I've got them all!

Virginia Lewis:
My name is Virginia...and I live on the edge of the forest.

Virginia Lewis:
I'm gonna die of long hair!

Virginia Lewis:
Well, at least things can't get any worse.

Virginia Lewis:
[talking about her mother] Well, I knew she'd come back because she had left all her clothes, you know. She loved her clothes more than anything in the world. And I kept going into her room and checking on them. And then after a few months you suddenly said that we had to get rid of them all, [beginning to cry] so, I remember folding them all very neatly, and I kept hoping that there was going to be, you know, a secret note or something that would be written for me, you know, just to me, telling me that she loved me, and explaining the secret magical reason why she had to go, you know? I mean, I still have this uncontrollable urge to just go up to people and say "My mother left me when I was seven!" You know, as if that would explain everything. [sobbing] And I miss her... And I hate her! And...and I miss her... And I feel like I was on a train and it crashed or something and no one came and rescued me. I always wanted my life to be a fairy story, you know, and now it is!

Virginia Lewis:
You haven't seen my father walking around anywhere here, have you? Oh, he might have been singing "Whiter Shade of Pale".

The Evil Queen (Christine White):
[after a mass poisoning] Anyone for seconds? [pauses to look around] No?

Anthony "Tony" Lewis:
Well, it's "slice the fruitcake" time again.

Anthony "Tony" Lewis:
All right, Mr. I-don't-have-to-look-but-I-can-chop-wood, your name is Rumpelstiltskin.

Anthony "Tony" Lewis:
Time for walkies!

Relish The Troll King:
[to his children, who have allowed Virginia to escape with his magic shoes] Idiot! Fools! I can't leave you alone for a minute! Your mothers would be ashamed of you!

[The Queen stops while walking past Wolf's cell]

The Queen:
You. What are you?

Wolf:
Me? A fine, fine chap, falsely accused-

The Queen:
I will not ask again. What are you?

Wolf:
Shh. Don't tell anyone, but- [his eyes flash yellow] Wolf.

[Antony has been captured by the prison staff following the Queen's escape; thanks to a wish he made, Antony can hear Prince Wendell telepathically after his transformation into a dog]

Guard:
We've searched every inch of the prison, but the Queen's gone, sir.

Governor:
I have been the governor of this prison for twelve years. No prisoner has ever escaped before.

Antony:
That's a very impressive record.

Wendell:
Whatever you do, Antony, don't tell him I'm a dog.

Antony:
Why not?

Guard:
Speak when you're spoken to!

Wendell:
Because the Queen has got some terrible plan. My whole kingdom may be in jeopardy. No one must know I'm helpless.

[...]

Governor:
HOW did the Queen ESCAPE?!

Antony:
I'm telling you, I have no idea.

Governor:
Then WHY were you found locked in her empty cell?!

Antony:
I am an innocent victim. I have never been in trouble with the police my entire life.

Governor:
Then why are you wearing handcuffs?

Antony:
Well, because I'm wanted for armed robbery which I didn't have anything to do with either.

Wendell:
Oh, carry on, Antony. You're doing spectacularly well so far.

Antony:
Look, look, I'm from a different dimension. I came here from a different dimension led by that dog, who is actually Prince Wendell.

Wendell:
Oh, I told you not to say that.

Governor:
[visibly annoyed] Prince Wendell? Look. I can make you break rocks with your teeth for a hundred years.

Antony:
I'm telling you, it's the truth.

Governor:
That is the Queen's dog. She has been permitted to keep him in her cell for three years. Do not insult my intelligence.

Antony:
I'm not, I'm telling you, it's the tru-- All right, fine, I'll prove it. Bark once if I'm telling the truth.

Wendell:
I have no intention of barking, Antony.

Virginia:
In your whole life, did you ever once love me?

[The Queen turns away, seeing herself ten years ago, trying to drown Virginia and then fleeing their apartment as Tony gets home]

The Queen:
[struggling] Oh, that's not me!

[The Queen approaches Virginia, seeming to finally recognize her; The Huntsman enters before she can speak]

The Huntsman:
My lady, we have a problem in the kitchens.

The Queen:
Take this girl away and lock her up! I will finish with her afterwards.

Virginia:
After what? What're you gonna do to everybody?!

The Queen:
My crafty little wolf. You had me worried for a while.

Wolf:
Oh, when you freed me from prison, I agreed to serve you. A wolf always keeps his bargain.

The Queen:
After tonight, when I rule the Nine Kingdoms, wolves will be very important. I will make them my secret police, and you will be the chief.

Wolf:
Huff-puff! Chief Wolf!

The Queen:
Anyone for seconds? No? [The Huntsman brings Virginia into the room] You certainly are persistent.

Virginia:
Are you gonna kill me as well?

The Queen:
I was going to let you go. I don't know why.

Virginia:
You know why.

The Queen:
Go. Leave me. Get out while you can.

Virginia:
No.

The Queen:
[exasperated] You were nothing but an accident! You should've been killed at birth!

[Virginia slaps The Queen]

Virginia:
How dare you. How dare you speak to me like that!

The Queen:
Kill her now! [The Huntsman hesitates] Kill her! Or I'll do it myself.

[The Huntsman raises his crossbow]

Wolf:
NO!

Virginia:
WOLF!

[Wolf charges The Huntsman, who fires his crossbow straight up as they struggle; The Queen moves in and begins strangling Virginia]

Virginia:
Stop. Mom.

[The Huntsman dies as his crossbow's bolt comes back down and hits him, pinning Wolf underneath him]

Wolf:
Cripes!

[Desperately, Virginia reaches up for the poisoned ornate comb The Queen is wearing in her hair, and strikes her across the cheek with it]

The Queen:
You've drawn- blood.

Virginia:
I'm sorry. [The Queen turns, walks a short distance, then collapses, dying from the poison] No! Please don't die! Don't die! Just remember who you are!

The Queen:
It's too late. Oh, don't cry, my little girl. My little girl. I gave away my soul.