The 80th Annual Academy Awards

Jon Stewart:
Ladies and gentlemen, err, according to IMDb, our next presenter is the star of the 2010 Untitled Nicole Kidman Project; please welcome Academy Award winner Nicole Kidman.

[after correcting himself about the number of pregnant actresses at the show, in a mock category]

Jon Stewart:
The baby goes to... Angelina Jolie!

Jon Stewart:
Dennis Hopper is here, ladies and gentlemen. [applause] I'm only saying that so he knows where he is.

Mark?ta Irglov?:
Hi everyone. I just want to thank you so much. This is such a big deal, not only for us, but for all other independent musicians and artists that spend most of their time struggling, and this, the fact that we're standing here tonight, the fact that we're able to hold this, it's just to prove no matter how far out your dreams are, it's possible. And, you know, fair play to those who dare to dream and don't give up. And this song was written from a perspective of hope, and hope at the end of the day connects us all, no matter how different we are. And so thank you so much, who helped us along way. Thank you.

Glen Hansard:
Make art! Make art!

Steve Carell:
The topics they tackle are as diverse as they are important. Political repression in Iran. The grueling and vicious competition in the world of sports. A scathing indictment of health code violations in the restaurant industry. These searingly painful documentaries are both tragic...

Anne Hathaway:
[interrupting] Steve? We're doing Animated Features. Ehm, a cute little rat, chubby wubby surfing penguins...

[laughs awkwardly]

Steve Carell:
What about the girl in Iran?

Anne Hathaway:
Eh, animated, Steve. You know, serious subject, but, but animated characters, not the doc, not, not real.

Steve Carell:
This is not documentaries?

Anne Hathaway:
No.

Steve Carell:
I... [looks down] shoot!

Anne Hathaway:
Did you read the script?

Steve Carell:
No. How many people are watching this?

Anne Hathaway:
Oh, just, you know, eight hundred billion.

Steve Carell:
I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick.

Anne Hathaway:
Eh, hold that thought.

Steve Carell:
Is this being shown in Belgium?

Anne Hathaway:
Oui.

Steve Carell:
Oh shoot!

Jon Stewart:
[referring to all of the dark, violent films that are up for nominations] Does this town need a hug?

Ethan Coen:
[accepting his first Oscar of the night for Best Adapted Screenplay] We, uh... thank you very much.

Ethan Coen:
[accepting his second Oscar of the night for Best Director] I don't have a lot to add to what I said earlier. Thank you.