The Abbott and Costello Show

[repeated line]

Lou Costello:
Hey, Abbott!

[Mr. Davis walks into bedroom, crash is heard, and Abbott looks in]

Sidney:
What's wrong?

Bud Abbott:
No floor.

Bud Abbott:
Just mark down, "Dear druggist".

Lou Costello:
"Dear druggist"... Go ahead.

Bud Abbott:
Here's what you want. You want seven milligrams of sulfursilic monosetic acid diluted in seven micrograms of tincturized chlorophyll. Have you got that?

Lou Costello:
All but one part.

Bud Abbott:
What part?

Lou Costello:
The part that comes after "Dear druggist".

Lou Costello:
[after answering a question correctly on a TV quiz program then looking directly at the camera] I'm smart!

[repeated line]

Lou Costello:
I'm a b-a-a-a-d boy!

Hillary Brooke:
Hello, Louis.

Lou Costello:
Hello, Hillary. I came to invite you across the hall to Mr. Fields' apartment for dinner. I'm going to cook dinner over there. Will you come?

Hillary Brooke:
Oh, Louis, I'd love to. How sweet of you. I didn't know you could cook.

Lou Costello:
Oh, sure. Every morning when I get up, I cook coffee in my pajamas.

Hillary Brooke:
Not in the coffee pot?

Lou Costello:
Mr. Fields, you are invited to my party.

Sid Fields:
You're finally inviting me. You want me to bring a present, huh?

Lou Costello:
Look, Mr. Fields, a lot of people are going to bring me presents. You don't have to bring me no present.

Sid Fields:
I see. Everybody brings a present. You want me to come empty-handed. People should look at me and say, "Sidney Fields is a cheapskate," huh? "Sidney Fields is nothing but a dirty, broken-down tramp." Is that it?

Lou Costello:
Look, Mr. Fields. You don't look like no tramp. You look nice.

Sid Fields:
I don't, huh? My feet are coming through my shoes. My elbows are coming through my sleeves.

Lou Costello:
Yeah, and your head is coming through your hair.

Sid Fields:
All right. Tell everybody I'm bald-headed. Start a rumor. Make me ashamed to come to your party.

Lou Costello:
Look, Mr. Fields, you don't have to be ashamed. Nobody will even notice you.

Sid Fields:
Oh, they're gonna ignore me, huh? I'm not even fit to be associated with. People will be afraid to put their hands on me.

Lou Costello:
No, they won't. I wouldn't even be afraid to touch you. Look.

Sid Fields:
Take your filthy hands off. What are you trying to do, soft-soap me?

Lou Costello:
Now look, Mr. Fields, don't get mad. Now, you can bring your kids to the party, and they can eat anything they want. They can have plenty of food. They can eat anything they want.

Sid Fields:
Sure, I can have my kids eat first, huh? Then if that broken-down, bad food you got doesn't give my kids ptomaine, then the other people will eat it, huh? You're gonna use my kids for guinea pigs. Say it! My kids are guinea pigs!

Lou Costello:
Mr. Fields, your kids are not guinea pigs.

Sid Fields:
Oh, they're just plain pigs?

Lou Costello:
Look, Mr. Fields, I never use the word "pigs" when I talk about anything like that. I use, like, "swine"

Sid Fields:
Oh, now you're dragging my wife in the argument. What's wrong with my wife?

Lou Costello:
Mr. Fields, please let your wife out of this.

Sid Fields:
Oh, my kids and I should come to a party and have fun, but my wife, she has to stay home alone, huh?

Lou Costello:
Look, Mr. Fields, you can bring your wife to the party.

Sid Fields:
She can come to the party?

Lou Costello:
Yeah.

Sid Fields:
But she can't eat, huh?

Lou Costello:
She can eat! I'll give her anything she wants. She can have meat. She can have potatoes with bread and butter and peas on the mashed potatoes and stick them in the mash... She can have anything she wants.

Sid Fields:
No dessert.

Lou Costello:
Oh, yes, we're going to have dessert. Apple pie.

Sid Fields:
But no ice cream, huh?

Lou Costello:
We're gonna have ice cream. I'm going to put it on apple pie.

Sid Fields:
What flavor?

Lou Costello:
Vanilla.

Sid Fields:
Vanilla. Plain vanilla or anything particular?

Lou Costello:
How about strawberry? I'll put strawberry on it.

Sid Fields:
Oh, strawberry?

Lou Costello:
Yeah.

Sid Fields:
Will it be real fruit or artificial flavor?

Lou Costello:
This is going to be genuine strawberry.

Sid Fields:
So, that's it! You know, my wife is allergic to fresh strawberries. Every time she eats them, she starts scratching herself, scratching herself. Infection sets in. She's sick! Ambulances take her to the hospital! The doctors work on her day and night, day and night, but they can't save her! She's gone! I'm left alone, a widower with 11 children!

Lou Costello:
Mr. Fields, I don't want you to be a widower.

Sid Fields:
You don't want me to be a widower? You want me to live the rest of my life with that old bag, huh? You don't want me to go out with the boys and have fun, huh? And why? All because you ruined my life because you wanted to feed my wife fresh strawberry ice cream!

Lou Costello:
Mr. Fields, your wife don't have to eat any ice cream.

Sid Fields:
You said it! Nobody's going to push fresh strawberry ice cream down *my* wife's throat. That's what I'm here for!

[Bud and Lou walk out onstage and a woman holds up a sign listing guest stars in front of Lou's face]

Bud Abbott:
What's a matter?

Lou Costello:
She put the whole sign right in front of my puss.

Bud Abbott:
Well, there's other people in the cast besides ourselves.

Lou Costello:
She didn't put it in front of your face.

Bud Abbott:
Well, what is the difference.

Lou Costello:
What, are you a high-class guy or something? I mean, don't put in front of my face. I want to look at all the people out here.

Bud Abbott:
They see enough of your face.

Bud Abbott:
This boy doesn't put himself with any party.

Lou Costello:
That's right!

Bud Abbott:
Is he republican? No! Is he a Democrat? No! He's in between the two.

Audience Member:
[shouting] He sure is. He eats like an elephant and thinks like a jackass!

Lou Costello:
Hey, Abbott, isn't it beautiful country out here?

Bud Abbott:
Wonderful.

Lou Costello:
Look at all those cows out there. Get that big bunch of cows.

Bud Abbott:
Not bunch - herd.

Lou Costello:
Huh?

Bud Abbott:
Cow herd.

Lou Costello:
I beg your pardon?

Bud Abbott:
Cow herd.

Lou Costello:
Cow heard what?

Bud Abbott:
Not herd what - cow herd.

Lou Costello:
Cow heard what? I said look at that big bunch of cows out there.

Bud Abbott:
Not bunch - herd! Herd of cows!

Lou Costello:
Certainly I heard of cows, you dope. Any fool knows a cow when he sees it. That's a good bunch of cows I said.

Bud Abbott:
It's a herd of cows.

Lou Costello:
Yeah, I heard of cows.

Bud Abbott:
That's what they are.

Lou Costello:
A bunch of cows?

Bud Abbott:
Sure, a bunch is a herd.

Lou Costello:
A bunch is a herd?

Bud Abbott:
Certainly. What's the matter?

Lou Costello:
Like bananas. Look at that bananas of cows out there.