The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

Brisco County Jr.:
If I was gonna kill you, I'd be stepping over your body right now on my way out the door.

Brisco County Jr.:
Never look too deep into the mind of a lawyer.

Dixie Cousins:
Brisco, put me down!

Brisco County Jr.:
Alright, you look bad in a wig and you were too easy to find.

[talking with an Italian gangster]

Enzio Tataglia:
In my country we have a saying: 'If you yodel in the forest, the yoo-hoo that you yoo-hoo will be the yoo-hoo that you get back.'

Brisco County Jr.:
Where were you from again?

Lord Bowler:
Uh oh. You hit the sheriff

Brisco County Jr.:
Yeah, but I did not hit the deputy.

Brisco County Jr.:
Correct me if I'm wrong, Pete - weren't you killed in a gunfight?

Pete Hutter:
I was only gut shot. I'm stronger now with less appetite.

Ethan Emerson:
I like that man.

Granville Thorogood:
You never were a very good judge of character, Ethan.

[Repeated line]

Pete Hutter:
You touched my piece. NOBODY touches my piece!

[Ned is robbing a bank]

Ned Zed:
What are you lookin' at?

Hostage:
Nothing.

Ned Zed:
You callin' me nothin'?

Brisco County Jr.:
[in reference to at least one thing per episode] Very fancy!

Little Girl:
[after Brisco saves her from a huge explosion] I have to go to the bathroom.

Brisco County Jr.:
I know what you mean, kid.

Brisco County Jr.:
Correct me if I'm wrong, Pete. Weren't you killed in a gunfight?

Peter Hutter:
I was only gut shot. I healed, I'm stronger now with less appetite.

Brisco County Jr.:
You could be a pioneer in the field of weight loss.

Peter Hutter:
Weight loss? Why would anyone want to lose weight?

Lord Bowler:
Brisco we can't just keep running like this!

Brisco County Jr.:
I know, i know, since they got our guns you got any better ideas?

Lord Bowler:
[gun shots] Run faster!

Lord Bowler:
People say I lack patience. Maybe they're right. Because right now I feel like mangling you into something that a cat wouldn't recognize as a fur ball.

Brisco County Jr.:
Funny thing is, he's not even mad yet.

Lord Bowler:
Damn!

Brisco County Jr.:
Now, it's just anatomy guys.

Lord Bowler:
Yeah, it sure looks real good on her.

Socrates Poole:
[after Karina enters the time gateway] Where exactly, did she go?

Brisco County Jr.:
Back to the future.

[Lord Bowler is dressed up like a nun to hide from outlaws]

Brisco County Jr.:
Now that's what I call a real bad habit.

Lee Pow:
Like the fortune cookie that is often stale and leaves a bad taste in your mouth, it is the message inside that counts.

Lillian Coles:
I'm going with you.

Lord Bowler:
Uh huh no you're not. See, we work alone, [points to Brisco] that is together... alone.

Brisco County Jr.:
We heard you were alive Pete.

Lord Bowler:
We Just didnt believe it, We saw you get killed by that chinese death star, with our own eyes.

Pete Hutter:
Well thats the thing about your chinese death stars, An Hour later and your alive again.

Prof. Albert Wickwire:
[coming out of his workshop after an explosion coughing] Brisco!

Brisco County Jr.:
Hello Professor [getting off his horse walking over to shake Wickwires hand] Are you ok?

Prof. Albert Wickwire:
Yeah, working on a new kind of balloon,it uses hydrogen for lift, Wonderful stuff, but a little ubstable [coughing words, Oh the humanity]

Brisco County Jr.:
Uh, we heard you were alive, Pete.

Lord Bowler:
We just didn't believe it. We saw you get killed by that Chinese death star with our own eyes.

Pete Hutter:
Well, that's the thing about your Chinese death stars. An hour later you're alive again.

Prof. Albert Wickwire:
Getting killed is just not part of my karma, right now.

Pete Hutter:
May I remind you that I have been a wanted fugitive most of my adult life. Ergo, when fleeing, I suggest you follow the flight of the flea who knows how to flee the fastest. And that would be me.

Whip Morgan:
You think we can break out?

Peter Hutter:
Whip, you happen to be in the company of a connoisseur of penal lodging.

Whip Morgan:
Hey! I ain't into that.

Peter Hutter:
I was talking about the jailhouse design.

Socrates Poole:
[Climbing down a ladder] Brisco!

Brisco County Jr.:
Socrates what are you doing here?

Prof. Albert Wickwire:
I thought you could use the help, And I needed someone to pass gas for me.

Lord Bowler:
Uh ain't that something you supposed to do by yourself?

Prof. Albert Wickwire:
Impossible, the cabins too large.

Peter Hutter:
Rumors of my demise by perforation have been greatly exaggerated.

Brisco County Jr.:
You wouldn't be dumb enough to shoot me with all those soldiers out there, would you Bill?

Phil Swill:
I'm Phil. *He's* Bill. And I just might be dumber than you think.

Brisco County Jr.:
[as they ride off] You know something Bowler, this trip has taught me something.

Lord Bowler:
What's that?

Brisco County Jr.:
The more I learn the less I know.

Lord Bowler:
Yeah I hear you Brisco and I understand what you mean.

Brisco County Jr.:
You do?

Lord Bowler:
Yeah, at the rate we learnin thangs, we won't know nuthin in no time.

Prof. Albert Wickwire:
...and Doctor, I, uh, I'm sorry. I don't remember your name.

Dr. Quintano:
Dr. Quintano, Medicine Woman.

Phil Swill:
So Gill, good to see you again. Whatcha got cookin'?

Gil Swill:
Movin' into the big time.

Phil Swill:
How's that?

Gil Swill:
You remember our cousin Ed?

Bill Swill:
The one who married Aunt Merriam?

Phil Swill:
I thought he married his mother.

Bill Swill:
That's what I said.

Gil Swill:
Until recently, Ed was one of the Army's top test drivers. The man is fearless.

Phil Swill:
You have to be fearless to marry your mother.

Peter Hutter:
Forget about it? You mean... rip it from my memory like a picture from a book? A picture of a small boy... kind of shy... with big ears who only wanted to be liked. And the laughing faces of his classmates, mocking him because he forgot to wear his pants to school? Is that what you mean?

Peter Hutter:
Dixie, I'm kinda a stickler for gun safety, could you move a little to the left.

Dixie Cousins:
Don't you get it, he's somebody.

Peter Hutter:
Sorry Dixie, existential thought don't carry much water out here in the territories.

Big Smith:
Welcome to Sutter Creek. 5 years ago the gold ran dry, now the sheriff's dead, mayor runs a brothel and the minister's a drunk. My kinda town.

Brisco County Jr.:
[alias "Kansas"] Pete, put the gun down.

Pete Hutter:
They say I'm the fastest draw west of the Colorado. You care to try me, Kansas?

Brisco County Jr.:
I don't know. I'm not that good at geography.

Jonah Collier:
So, Marshal Brisco County, now that you've rounded up the thirteen most notorious outlaws in all the west, including John Bly, what will do you do for an encore?

Brisco County Sr.:
I believe I'll smoke this pipe.

Pete Hutter:
Dixie, I'm kind of a stickler for gun safety. Could you move a little to the left?

Dixie Cousins:
Don't you get it? He's somebody.

Pete Hutter:
Sorry, Dixie, existential thought doesn't hold much water out here in the territories.

Amanda Wickwire:
You're not an outlaw?

Brisco County Jr.:
No.

Amanda Wickwire:
Then who are you?

Brisco County Jr.:
Brisco County.

Amanda Wickwire:
Is that where you're from?

Brisco County Jr.:
No ma'm, that's who I am.

Brisco County Jr.:
You'll have to excuse Comet. He doesn't know he's a horse.

Brisco County Jr.:
Well, you had one hell of a funeral, Dad. Governors from three states and two territories showed up. I'm sorry I missed it. I'm, ah, I'm sorry I missed a lot of things. But I'm gonna finish the job you started. You can count on that. John Bly has to be caught... so I hope you're looking out for me up there. I can use all the help I can get.

Pete Hutter:
You ready?

Brisco County Jr.:
Pride comes before a fall, Pete.

Pete Hutter:
So does an ounce of lead in a brainpan.

[conversation on board a runaway stagecoach]

Dixie Cousins:
What do we do now?

Brisco County Jr.:
Well, I can swing out, get a good foothold and climb up to the top of the stage. And then if I'm real careful and God is on my side, I could leap onto the back of the rear horse and work my way out to the lead team, taking care not to fall beneath their thundering hoofs. Then reach out, grab the bridle of the lead horse and rein them in to a safe and steady stop.

Dixie Cousins:
Oh, my!

Brisco County Jr.:
Or... we can jump!

Big Smith:
Welcome to Sutter Creek. Five years ago, the gold ran dry. Now the Sheriff's dead, the mayor runs a brothel and the minister's a drunk. My kind of town!

Dixie Cousins:
You like the bed? It comes from France.

Brisco County Jr.:
Louis the Fourteenth?

Dixie Cousins:
No. I think Louis was the Ninth or Tenth. But then, a lady never counts.

Brisco County Jr.:
Oh? Then what are those notches on your bedpost?

Pete Hutter:
You're about to have a religious experience, grandpa.

Prof. Albert Wickwire:
How's that?

Pete Hutter:
You're gonna see Jesus!

John Bly:
We're going to get Brisco in Frisco.

[after a murder attempt]

Brisco County Jr.:
How's it going, Hatchet? Miss me?

Hatchet:
By a couple of inches...

Lord Bowler:
[a young boy has been sharing his morning donuts with Bowler] Well, you'd better get on home. You don't want your parents to worry.

Duncan:
You're probably right. Thanks, Deputy Lord Bowler.

Lord Bowler:
Thanks for the donuts, Duncan.

Brisco County Jr.:
Bowler, you get men stationed on all the high points in town.

Annie Cavendish:
What do I do?

Brisco County Jr.:
Annie, get your gun.

Hired Gun:
And who's he?

Montana's Assistant:
This here's Utah Johnny Montana.

Mack Brackman:
That's some name.

Montana's Assistant:
It used to be Utah John Cougar Montana, but he dropped the 'Cougar' because he thought it was pretentious.

Lord Bowler:
Help Brisco I can't swim!

Brisco County Jr.:
Try standin' up

Lord Bowler:
What happen t' Gravesend, who put a dang lake here?

Brisco County Jr.:
Damn.

Lord Bowler:
Alright damn lake.

Brisco County Jr.:
Damn, as in water barrier. The Army put it in last spring. It was in all the papers.

Socrates Poole:
You look wonderful.

Iphigenia Poole:
So do you, although you are starting to get father's hairline.

Socrates Poole:
And you, mother's hips.

Peter Hutter:
Hah! Ah first saw this little trick in a wild west show. During my formative years. 'Course they use blanks, it being a family show an' all. Now y' can't have the kids see'n all the blood 'n guts, might make them grow up to be warped. I'd say you'd got about... ohhh 15 minutes before the sun bakes that rawhide tied around your bodies, crackin your ribs and squeeeezing your guts all over tarnation. Then, after suitable torment this raw hide bakes tight around the trigger and BANG! Two first class non-stop tickets to the after life. Purdy neat huh?

Brisco County Jr.:
Ok now... Bend over and chew on this.

Iphigenia Poole:
I beg your pardon!

Brisco County Jr.:
The straps

Iphigenia Poole:
Chivalry is dead!

Peter Hutter:
Ah've got my plate, so where's yours Randolph.

Jack Randolph:
Gravesend, stagecoach office under the floorboards.

Peter Hutter:
Gravesend? The town's buried under 50 feet of water.

Jack Randolph:
That's right.

Peter Hutter:
So how in the hell are we gonna get your plate? With a fishing pole a'hope and delusional fantasies for bait?

Peter Hutter:
[Randolph shows Pete the newspaper] Innerspace suite.

Jack Randolph:
That's right, it's for underwater exploration. That's how we're gonna get that plate back.

Peter Hutter:
On that stage is a woman the Spanish will pay a king's ransom for.

Owen:
How much?

Peter Hutter:
I just said, a king's ransom.

Peter Hutter:
Hello Brisssco.

Brisco County Jr.:
Pete Hutter what are you doing out here?

Peter Hutter:
Exercising my constitutional right to make the best possible living in a free market economy.

Dr. Milo:
[giving eulogy] When I find myself in times of trouble, I say 'boy, you gotta carry that weight.' I am he, you are he, you are me, we are all together, speaking words of wisdom. Come together, right now. Amen.

Peter Hutter:
Never in all my life, in all the deeds I have I ever done, have I ever hit a woman. Hit a man in a dress once, but that was a different story.

[asking about Lord Bowler's name]

Professor Ogden Coles:
That's a completely fictitious title, I assume?

Lord Bowler:
No, I just made it up.

Enzio Tataglia:
[Sitting at a table in the middle of town] In my country we have a saying "If you yodel in the forest , the yoohoo that you yoohoo will be the yoohoo that you get back."

Brisco County Jr.:
Where were you from again?