The Adventures of Mark Twain

Mark Twain:
The man with an idea is a fool, until the idea succeeds.

Tom Sawyer:
[Looking at Twain's library] These must be those classics everyone talks about.

Huck Finn:
What are classics?

Mark Twain:
Something everyone wants to have read but don't want to read.

Becky Thatcher:
How come you want to catch that comet so bad, Mr. Twain?

Mark Twain:
Oh-ho-ho, the comet and I are part of the plan, angelfish. No doubt the Almighty said here, "There go those two unaccountable freaks. They came into this world together, they must go out together."

Adam:
She says things are not right. The buzzard, for instance. She says it was intended to live on decayed flesh. But we cannot overturn the whole scheme to accomodate the buzzard.

Adam:
[about his son, Cain] It's not a fish. It must either be an enigma, or some sort of bug. I never had a thing perplex me so. Perhaps I can take it apart to see what its arrangements are.

Mark Twain:
I will continue on doing my duty, but when I get to the other side, I will use my considerable influence to have the human race drowned again, this time drowned good. No omissions. No ark.

Tom Sawyer:
We're only waiting for the right moment now.

Becky Thatcher:
What are you talking about?

Huck Finn:
Yeah?

Tom Sawyer:
Becky, do you swear not to tell?

Becky Thatcher:
Sure.

Tom Sawyer:
On your grandmother's bones? [Becky rolls her eyes] Well, do ya?

Becky Thatcher:
Yeah.

Tom Sawyer:
We're gonna hijack this balloon.

Becky Thatcher:
What?

Huck Finn:
Hijack?

Tom Sawyer:
Just imagine: Tom Sawyer, aeronort, saves airborne friends from madman's death wish.

Becky Thatcher:
Who are you?

The Mysterious Stranger:
An angel.

Huck Finn:
What's your name?

The Mysterious Stranger:
Satan.

Huck Finn:
Uh oh.

The Mysterious Stranger:
What's the matter?

Huck Finn:
Nothing. Just that it's sure a sorry name for an angel.

Mark Twain:
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody, if he can help it.

Mark Twain:
A harp, a hymn book and wings? Good god, what a swindle. I'm led to consider a different path. Heaven for climate, Hell for company.

Eve:
It looks like a man. I have never seen a man before, but it looks like one. I think it's the most unusual of the reptiles. It has frizzy hair, no hips, and tapers like a carrot, so it must be a reptile, although it could also be architecture.

Mark Twain:
Stormfield's a man of faith. Means he is willing to believe what he knows ain't so.

Mark Twain:
Let me see, there are a number of things I want to say to you before I go. [Clears throat] Always obey your parents.

Mark Twain:
[Dark side]... when they are present.

Mark Twain:
Be respectful of your superiors.

Mark Twain:
[Dark side]... if you have any.

Mark Twain:
Rise early, for it is the early bird that catches the worm.

Mark Twain:
[Dark side] I once knew a man who tried it. Got up at sunrise. Horse bit him.

Mark Twain:
It's time.

Mark Twain:
[Dark side] I'm still considering whether to go. I haven't seen an atom of truth that there is a future life.

Mark Twain:
Yet I am strongly inclined to expect one. Anyway, don't be such a sissy in the face of a real adventure.

Mark Twain:
The human race, in all its poverty, has only one truly effective weapon: laughter. Against the assault of laughter - ha-ha-ha-ha! - nothing can stand.

Mark Twain:
There's no sadder sight than a young pessimist. Except an old optimist.

Tom Sawyer:
Supposing we do die? Is there really a heaven or a hell?

Mark Twain:
Oh, I don't know about that. I don't wish to express an opinion. You see, I have friends in both places.

Eve:
What is that?

Adam:
It's a... valentine.

Eve:
Valentine? Where did you get that word?

Adam:
It... looks like a valentine.

Eve:
It's a good word, and bears repeating.

Mark Twain:
Don't worry. Providence protects children, and idiots. I know it's true. I've tested it.

Adam:
Abel is a good boy, but if Cain had stayed a bear, it would have improved him.

Becky Thatcher:
Well, Tom and Huck and l, well, see, we're not so sure...

Mark Twain:
That l know what l'm doing up here? Angelfish, it's just like piloting a river. You get to know the shape of it. Like following a hall at home in the dark. And even if you feel some fear, you know no harm can come to you because you've traveled that hallway a hundred times in nothing but bare feet and faith.

The Mysterious Stranger:
[witnessing two clay men fighting over a clay cow] I find you humans quite interesting, even though you are a worthless, greedy lot.

Huck Finn:
[after the Mysterious Stranger wipes out an entire village of clay people] You murdered 'em!

The Mysterious Stranger:
[face slowly turns into a skull] Never mind them. People are of no value. We could make more sometime... if we need them.

The Mysterious Stranger:
Life itself is only a vision. A dream. Nothing exists, save empty space and you. And you... are but a thought.

The Mysterious Stranger:
[watching a village of clay people hold a funeral] Fools. What fascinations there are on this planet. Strange mortals with... curious customs. We'll have a storm now. And an earthquake if you like. You must stand aside... out of danger. [the Mysterious Stranger causes lightning to destroy the clay castle and creates a fissure to get rid of the rubble and all of the remaining clay figures. The fissure closes, and the Mysterious Stranger fills the resulting empty space with grass and flowers] I can do no wrong... for I do not know what it is.

Mark Twain:
You look about as disappointed as Presbyterians in Hell!

Mark Twain:
That? Oh, that was just a little Writer's Block, that's all.

Captain Stormfield:
I think a man has to have his own Heaven to be happy.