The Angry Beavers

Daggett:
I can't believe it, Norbert.

Norbert:
Whassat, Daggett?

Daggett:
Our own parents kicked us out.

Norbert:
They didn't kick us out. We were the first litter and Mom had a second litter. It's the beaver way.

Daggett:
But, Norb. Where will we go? How will we survive?

Norbert:
We'll be all right. You've got your Beaver Survival Kit, right?

Daggett:
No.

Norbert:
Oh, that's not good.

[Dag starts whimpering]

[the boys are jumping on the couch]

Daggett:
Hey, Norb, let's see who can jump the highest.

Norbert:
[bumps the ceiling light and stops jumping] Uh, Dag, I think we should stop.

Daggett:
You're just afraid I'll beat you.

Norbert:
No, Dag, listen...

Daggett:
[teasing] Norby's afraid to jump high.

Norbert:
Daggett, listen.

Daggett:
Norby's a chicken. BAWK BAWK BAWK. Come on, chicken boy. What are you afraid...

Daggett:
[hits the light and gets violently shocked] AAAH!

Daggett:
We're doomed!

Daggett:
Desperate times call for desperate desperateness.

[repeated line]

Daggett:
That was nuts!

Daggett:
[as Muscular Beaver] What? An unexpected development!

Norbert:
[as Baron Bad Beaver]... For I am Baron Bad Beaver, master of really, terrible, evil... things...

Daggett:
How could I be so blind and not see? It's oblivious.

Daggett:
Hey, Barry, how come you're so hungry? What's up with that?

Barry:
Hey... you're right.

Daggett:
Of course I am!

Daggett:
Oh, yeah? Structure this, chart boy! [pokes his tongue out] Oh, wait - I'm chart boy.

Norbert:
Derr - I'm Daggett, I have a chart. If only I had a brain!

[puts a cup under a cows udder and squeezes it]

Daggett:
Come on, Bossy, get with the moo juice!

Daggett:
...I suffered an unexpected prolapse...

Norbert:
You mean relapse.

Daggett:
Work with me here.

Daggett:
Ah, the thrill of victory and the agony of my feet.

Daggett:
What in the name of Aunt Eileen's cabbageless coleslaw is going on?

Daggett:
Urethra! I found something!

Norbert:
What in the name of what's-its-name are you doing?

Daggett:
What in the name of Kenneth Tobey's cardboard belt are you two doing here?

Norbert:
[dressed as a doctor] It seems like I've forgotten something but I can't remember what. Oh, well, its probably just a matter of life and death. Well, nothing's more important to a doctor than his golf game. Fore!

Daggett:
I know my situation is rather unique.

Norbert:
The word is psychotic.

Norbert:
Listen to yourself.

Daggett:
I am!

[awkward pause]

Norbert:
My way, you get to keep your tail. Your way, you get a sushi bar following you around.

Daggett:
[bluntly] Your point?

Norbert:
It'd wreck your social life if you had one.

Daggett:
Ooh! Lima beans on a comb!

[Daggett tests the wind with his finger]

Norbert:
You're indoors, Daggett, there's no wind.

Daggett:
Oh, yeah? What's that coming out of your pie hole?

Norbert:
Ooh, good comeback.

Daggett:
Really?

Norbert:
Erm... no.

[after watching a video of them being born]

Daggett:
I'm going to put Dad's army hygiene movies back on.

Norbert:
Dag! Don't you see? You're not my brother!

Daggett:
Yeah, you wish.

Norbert:
And maybe my wish came true.

Daggett:
Hey, Norbert! You're at the door!

Bing:
Oh, by the way, its me, Bing, by the way.

Daggett:
What do you want, Bing-by-the-way?

Norbert:
Hey, don't look now, Walt Witless, I think your flowers are being trampled.

Daggett:
[getting angry] Get off me bloomin' flowers!

Norbert:
What in the name of Jonas Grumby's starched khakis was that?

Norbert:
Where in the name of deus ex machina did that T-Rex come from?

Norbert:
Let's split up.

Daggett:
Why?

Norbert:
It makes too much sense to stick together.

Daggett:
Oh.

Daggett:
In the name of Mike Gerard's overbuilt truck - stop!

Daggett:
What's that spooty, spoothead, spoot guy, king of the spoots doing here?

Daggett:
With these super cool x-ray specs, I can even see through windows.

Daggett:
Die, spooty thing, die!

[repeated line]

Daggett:
What in the name of Davy Crockett's sweat-stained buckskins is going on?

[repeated line]

Norbert:
Come on, big hug!

[Norbert squeezes Dag hard as he hugs him]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
A river with a fear of heights. That's almost interesting.

[Norbert and Daggett are stuck in a tree with their very long teeth]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Norb?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
What?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
I guess mom and dad told us that stuff about our teeth for our own good. Huh?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[disappointingly sighs] Leave me alone.

Narxa:
[after Daggett and Norbert do the Narxa cheer, shouts getting their attention] Who's out here doing my cheer?

Stacy Beaver, Chelsea Beaver:
[together] It's Narxa, the thick-ankled warrioress!

Narxa:
How wouldst thouest like to be-est in my show? My "hoo-rah" heralds ate tainted clams and are spewing like greased centaurs. Thou wouldst be doing me in great service.

Stacy Beaver, Chelsea Beaver:
Let's go! Hoo-rah, hoo-rah, hoo-rah!

Narxa:
[to Norbert and Daggett] Make haste, Sarduke and Ohdure! Narxa has a special task for thou all.

[Daggett and Norbert runs to the stadium, but Narxa stops Norbert with her giant sword]

Narxa:
[picks up the bag Norbert was holding] And leave yon bag outside.

[Norbert does so and runs to the stadium]

[last lines]

Narxa:
[as the beavers ride with Narxa on ice] That's it. You're doing fine. Keep it up. Oh, I think I'm retaining water. Oh, mommy likes that.

[from 'Up All Night', last lines]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[trying to stay up along with Norbert] Huh?

[Daggett sees that their electronic clock is unplugged]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
It's not plugged in!

[the two beavers rush outside to see that the whole land is futuristic]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Dag! HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN AWAKE?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Ooh! Ooh!

[they faint in shock]

Norbert:
Norbert: do you have chicken necks ?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
lady on phone: yes we do!

Norbert:
Norbert: wear a turtle neck sweater and no one will notice!

Norbert:
Norbert: hangs up phone and starts laughing.

Daggett:
Daggett: Hey, chicken-neck, you should wear a sweater!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Mom: Dagget, is that you?

[from 'Euro Beavers']

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[Swedish accent] Ladies and gentlemen, may-dames and mon-sewers, the four Swedish sheep who put the 'pop' in Europop, BABA!

[BABA, resembling ABBA, sing and baa a song that refers to 'Fernando']

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[dancing along] BABA songs is/are as Euro as you can get.

[the music stops and BABA can be heard screaming along with crashing sounds]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[French accent] Perhaps, but you do not brew or drink coffee.

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
I brew...

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[shouts] DON'T talk in my way!

[now calm]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Therefore, you will always be but an imposter.

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[gasps] We will see who is imposter!

[from 'Euro Beavers']

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Hey, what's the big idea-ski?

G-Man #1:
We're from immigration.

[Theme from 'Dragnet' plays]

G-Man #1:
You European beavers are in this country illegally. We have to deport you.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[stammers, finally speaks American] Wait a minute! There's some kind of misunderstanding here! We're American beavers!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Actually, I'm the American beaver. He's, uh, Blazy Aloof, Euro beaver extraordinaire.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Zip it, Dag!

[the government takes Norbert away]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Hey, how about those Packers, huh?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Dag!

[from 'Euro Beavers']

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[French accent] And now I must listen to Bach.

[plays the record of Bach piano music]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[mock French] Forget Bach!

[record scratches to a stop]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[Swedish accent] We have BABA.

[BABA appears again singing and baaing what resembles 'Take a Chance on Me']

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[dancing along but stop] What am I doing? I don't want to dance, but their hooky, Scandinavian poop melodies are infectious. Oh, well!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
We proudly reclaim this pond for the good ol' US of America!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Yeah! The old US... eh...

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Of America.

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
A... B... Yeah! Eh! What do you Canuckian-whatjamacallit guys think about that, eh?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Eh?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Eh? Eh! Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh!

Pierre:
Okay, that's the way you wanna play it, eh?

[Pierre and Wayne build another dam behind Dag and Norb]

Wayne:
Canada, eh!

[the beavers go back and forth building dams]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
America!

Pierre:
Canada!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
America!

Wayne:
Canada, eh!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
America!

Pierre:
Canada!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Canada!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Dag!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
I mean, NOT Canada!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Ha ha! Success! They went back to Can-nada! Even my doofusy maple-headed brother, all of them back to Can-nada! The land of curling, and fat back bacon! Road signs in both english and metric! Thousands of square miles of barren permafrost... [gasp] And... birthplace of acclaimed actor, author, recording artist, and all around cultural icon... MR... WILLIAM SHATNER!... Wait for me! I wanna be Canadian too!

Norbert:
I guess I have no choice. Time to move on. Build another dam. Sit shirtless in the gymnasium and watch the racket ball. But, I'll never find another Dag! Oh wait, of course I will, there's millions of them. OH NO!

Norbert:
They're like Dag, but dumber. Didn't think that was possible. [Daggett comes in, panting] And then they're getting even dumber!

Daggett:
Hey Norb! You were right about the easy clone oven. [singing] First there's one, then the two...

Norbert:
How do I know you're the real Dag?

Daggett:
Eh?

Norbert:
Doesn't have a clue. It must be Dag. Daggett, what have you done?

Daggett:
[gasps] What have I done? What's with your hair?

[last lines - 'Daggy Dearest']

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[as Gary returns to his real mom, cries] Come back! You have'nt even started solids yet!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[apathetically] Guess he wasn't my son after all. You were right. Well, that's that.

[Daggett leaves]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[loses it] Our son! He's gone! My life is empty!

[Norbert cries real hard]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[comes back and leaves] Get a life.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Feel my pain! He's our baby!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
He's a mongoose.

[Norbert cries even harder]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Loser.

[from 'Dag's List']

[repeated line]

Passenger #57:
There's a bear on the wing! There's a BEAR on the WING!

[from 'In Search of Big Byoo-Tox', last lines]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[after finding out that Harrington is not Big Byoo-Tox] No? Then who was it then?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
I don't know. Some hairy guy, I guess. Sounds Canadian, eh?

['O Canada' plays in the background]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[in a state of shock] So, you mean to say that I've been alone with a big...

[Norbert sarcastically quacks on his adjectives]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[goes disgusted]... hairy, naked, CANADIAN? EW!

[record scratches to a stop]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Hey, wait a minute! How do you know that's not Big Byoo-Tox?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[points up at the sky] Because... THAT'S Big Byoo-Tox!

[the scene pans to Big Byoo-Tox, who is five times bigger than Earth, which he is holding]

Byron Beaver:
Computer, who is my real brother?

Supercomputer:
A brother is the person whom you grew up with and who lo-o-o-ves you. Error! Error! My mind is going...

Norbert Foster Beaver:
HA! In your face, Mr. Perfect!

Byron Beaver:
[slams his computer and acts in the same fashion as Daggett] You dumb, eh! Dumb, eh! Dumb computer, eh!

[goes sad]

Byron Beaver:
Now I'll never know who my real brother is!

['Lumberjack's Delight', last lines]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[sees the magic 7 ball] Eh? Hey, look! It's that spooty 7 ball!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
What's it say?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[reads] "I can't believe you take advice from a plastic billiard ball replica."

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[smiles] Dag, get my hammer.

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Ball-pein or framing?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Both.

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[smiles viciously] Indeed!

[screen closes out]

[from 'Lumberjacks' Delight']

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[washes himself and sings in a traumatized fashion] I'm a germ-breeding tree-chomping rat. A beaver's got no place, working lumber, that's that.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Where in the name of deus ex machina did that T-rex come from?

Daggett:
Muscular Beaver!

[from 'Sang 'em High']

Bossa Nova Singer Daggett:
[turns fat and sings] I am no stoopy poopy beaver/I will show you, my brother/you will be the receiver/of one put down, down, down, down, down after another/I am no stoopy poopy beaver/of one put down, down, down, down, down after another.

[Daggett sings a high note that breaks the windows blows the roof and sinks Laverta in the lake]

[from 'Sang 'em High', Norbert taunts Daggett to sing again]

Bossa Nova Singer Daggett:
[sings] I am no stoopy poopy beaver/that's worth repeating/Norb is the stoopy poopy beaver/All your words, words, words, words, words, words you'll soon be eating.

[Daggett sings a high note again causing a huge landslide]

[from 'Act Your Age', Norb and Dag ate the acorn which causes them to change back through time]

Act Your Age Narrator:
And so, through the magical powers of the magical nutball thingy, the march of time marched backwards - all the way through beav-olution back to the slimy, stupid, buck-toothed, single-celled creatures from which they emerged.

Norbert Foster Beaver, Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[as microscopic primitive beings through a magnifying glass] Spoot!

Act Your Age Narrator:
Goodnight!

[from 'Dumbwaiters']

Muffy Snottwell:
[looking at a magazine, to Rodrick] Oh, look, honey, it's those masks our company makes.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[in amazement] You made these masks?! We worked here as waiters so we can buy them!

Rodrick Snootwell:
[takes out a box] Well, isn't that lucky? Here you go.

[Norbert and Daggett open the box up in excitement, but the masks appear to be the size of golf balls and no holes on the back]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Hey! We can't wear these to scare the bejeebers out of people! We can't even put these on our thumbs!

[the mask magazine falls on Daggett]

Muffy Snottwell:
Of course. Didn't you read the fine print?

[Norbert and Daggett see the fine print at the bottom of the cover of the magazine]

Norbert Foster Beaver, Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[in unison, reading] 'Mask shown actual size'.

[Norbert and Daggett drop the magazine in shock]

Rodrick Snootwell:
[leaves with his wife] Funny, I didn't know beavers had thumbs. Well, ta-ta.

Daggett:
I just said we were physically bigger than a slice of bread.

['Sans-a-Pelt' Norbert and Daggett are seen naked by the audience]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[realizing about what he was told] Maybe the sheep *we're* right!

[Daggett takes the microphone]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[singing, a cappella, being shown around the world] Pelt-less is happiness/fur-less is freedom/naked ain't half-ba-ked/if you take it day-to-day-ked!

[the crowd cheers]

['Gonna Getcha' Dagget has been fooled over Norbert's trap, last lines]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[sticks up his tail] Gotcha!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
No!!

[screen goes black, we hear a huge explosion of flatulent gas from Norbert]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Norbert Foster Beaver What ya got goin on in there Dagskyeah? A little animal husbandryeah?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Duh! Do the words "Counting Sheep," ring a bell?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Is it working?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
No!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
That's because you're supposed to be counting them!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Crumbs, crumbs, crumbily crumbs, crumby croomby creepy cropy in my bed my bed my bed

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Butter lard gristle and tepid sauerkraut juice. The best beddie bye snack ever ever ev ev ev ev ever!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[after dag pukes] Ohhhh here it comes and it's my crumbs it's kind of crummy, not too yummy. It everywhere it in my hair, but I don't care cause I'm a bear with underwear. So don't ya stare, I'm in my wear and Dags blowin' chunks, which up to now is in a cow! A la la la!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Pukey, pukey, pukey boy!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Boogey, boogey, booger boy!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Bobzilla, Obzilla, oh Odzilla!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Ahbahh! Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dummy!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
How is everything? Daggy Waggy Wrecky Wecky Stoopy Poopyeah! [blows raspberries]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Numb booger! [blows raspberries back causing a raspberry war]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Hey look! I can catch my hand!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Catch this! [sticks tongue out and licks Dag]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Oh yeah? [Dag licks back causing a lick war]

[from 'Up All Night 2', last lines]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[wakes up along with Daggett, yawn] Morning, Daggelito.

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[yawns] Morning, Norbenonski.

[they come outside their dam as very old beavers]

Norbert Foster Beaver, Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[gasps in unison] OH, NO!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
How long have we been asleep?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Huh?

[they see themselves in the future world again]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
I said 'how long have we been asleep?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
What?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Clean out your ears, you old coot!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Speak up!

Norbert Foster Beaver:
I'll take you down!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
D'you say something?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
I'll crack your ribs and then I'll...

[the last shot shows Earth overpopulated with sheep]

Oxnard Montalvo:
His bravery was the only thing standing between us and destruction. Thank you, strange little pointy thing

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
I'm a beaver

Dr. Cowtiki:
You're kidding, he is kidding right?

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Fraid not! Dr. Gigglys. We're US grade A all beef beavers.

['Too Loose Latrine'] [last lines]

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
[while given his chance to go to the bathroom] I don't need to go anymore.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
What do you mean?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Thanks to the--bum-bum-bum--Big Unknown.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
The what?

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
The Big Unknown.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[in shock] No! You didn't! You let 'er rip in the Big Unknown?!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Ooh, yeah.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[shouts] No!!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Yeah, baby.

[the entire lake is shown with giant brown spots revealing that Daggett might have went number two]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
I'm-a gonna kill ya, uh-huh.

Norbert Foster Beaver:
[while being flushed into the lake along with their house] This is it! We're going down!

Daggett Doofus Beaver:
Ooh! Into the - bum, bum, bum - BIG UNKNOWN! I mean, UN-K-NOWN!

[their house sinks]

Norbert Foster Beaver:
Normally, Daggett, I would try to dowse this toxic blaze of stupidity you call a 'good idea' with every tool at my disposal, but...

Norbert:
[reading a letter that arrived in the mail] Hey, Daggett. Look at this. Richard Horvitz had a little baby boy April 11th.

Daggett:
Ooohhh.

Norbert:
Jake Elliott Horvitz.

Daggett:
Wow, that's great!

Norbert:
Yeah, I think so.

Daggett:
Who's Richard Horvitz?

Norbert:
Nobody.

Norbert:
[As Dagget throws up] Ohh here it comes and it's not crumbs, it's kind of crummy, not so yummy! It EVERYWHERE! It in my hair! But I don't care cause I'm a bear! With underwear so don't ya stare I'm in my ware! Dag's blowing chow which up til now was in a COW!!