The Bad Mother's Handbook

Daniel Gale:
Don't get cross with me. I'm not the one that got your pregnant.

Charlie Cooper:
Is there no dignity left? I think I just weed myself.

Daniel Gale:
Come on, get your things. We need to get you to the hospital fast!

Karen Cooper:
[shouts] I need to get to my daughter!

Daniel Gale:
You know, when I see women giving birth on tv there is all this gripping bedsteads and rolling around in agony. This is a bit boring.

Charlie Cooper:
[shouts] I want some proper drugs! not some pointless sodding breathmask if no one takes any sodding notice of it!

Daniel Gale:
The baby is premature they aren't going to give you any pethidine sorry.

Charlie Cooper:
[shouts] Urg. You're so bloody sensible. I want someone irresponsible! Mum where the hell are you!

Daniel Gale:
You know medieval women...uh...used to chew willow twigs for the pain. Contains a natural aspirin apparently.

Charlie Cooper:
[shouting] Are you completely barking?

Daniel Gale:
Barking, mad as a dog. [fills in crossword puzzle]

Paul Benthem:
It can't be mine. I always use a johnny.

Karen Cooper:
Surely you didn't get an A in doing what your damn well told!

Charlie Cooper:
Mum, oh no I think my b*obs are going to explode. Why didn't you wake me I feel like I've been in a wet t-shirt competition?

Nan Hesketh:
When's tea ready? I could eat a buttered frog.

Daniel Gale:
Sometimes I think you're the only thing keeping me sane.