The Barber Shop

Customer:
What's the dog doing, there?

Cornelius O'Hare:
Oh, it's a very funny thing. The other day a man was in here and I was shaving him. The razor skipped, and I cut his ear off. Ever since then, he's been hanging around here for a...

[shoos dog]

Cornelius O'Hare:
G'way, g'way, g'way!

Ronald:
Do you know why a load of hay is like a mouse?

Cornelius O'Hare:
No, Ronald, I do not. I've never noticed a similarity between a small rodent and a large amount of horse's provender. Why does a small rodent resemble a load of hay?

Ronald:
Cause cat'll eat it! [Laughing]

Cornelius O'Hare:
Cat'll eat it. Cattle eat it. [Recognizing the pun] Very good, Ronald, very... [Aware of his wife's disapproval] Eat your spinach, eat your spinach, eat your spinach!

Cornelius O'Hare:
Haircut or shave?

Mr. Flood:
[laconically] Yeah.

Cornelius O'Hare:
I beg your pardon, isn't your name Flugg?

Mr. Flood:
Yeah.

Cornelius O'Hare:
I thought so. I didn't recognize your face when you first came in.

Mr. Flood:
[deadpan] No, it's all healed up since I was in here last.

Cornelius O'Hare:
I used to be a detective once.

Hortense:
Really, Mr. O'Hair?

Cornelius O'Hare:
Yes, yes.

Hortense:
You seem to have been everything!

Cornelius O'Hare:
Well, I guess I was. My wife calls me everything.

Mrs. O'Hare:
[from an upstairs window] Cornelius!

Cornelius O'Hare:
Yes, yes, my will-o-the-wisp?

Cornelius O'Hare:
[shaving a customer] Is that a mole?

Mr. Flood:
[nostalgically] Yeah, I've had it all my life.

Cornelius O'Hare:
[after some shrill scraping sounds] Won't have it anymore!

Cornelius O'Hare:
[after the unconscious bank robber has landed on him] Let me up! Let me up! Let me up! [desperately] I didn't try to get ya! I like bandits! Some of my best friends are bandits! The president of the bank comes up to our house!

Cornelius O'Hare:
I'm the worst barber in town, my wife can tell you that.