The Baron

[first lines]

David Marlowe:
Beautiful, isn't it?

Eva Dumel:
Exquisite.

David Marlowe:
It's made by Faberge, the great Russian jeweler.

Eva Dumel:
The one who made the fabulous Russian Easter eggs for the czar - all studded in diamonds.

David Marlowe:
It's one of a pair. The other one is supposed to be part of the Kremlin treasure.

Eva Dumel:
I suppose it's fabulously expensive.

David Marlowe:
Priceless, but it's not for sale. It's on loan to us from Lord Calvert's collection.

Airplane Passenger:
My dear, I heard you mention that gentleman's name. He's not *John* Mannering?

Stewardess:
That's right.

Airplane Passenger:
The man they call "The Baron"?

Stewardess:
Yes! You've heard of him?

Airplane Passenger:
Well, anybody who knows antiques knows about him. I expected him to be an older man. He's, well... handsome.

[the stewardess convinces the passenger harrassing Mannering about her brass rubbings to return to her seat]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Thanks.

Stewardess:
It's all part of the service.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
I can be very grateful some night over dinner.

Stewardess:
My place or yours?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Mine. I'd like to show you my... brass rubbings.

[Marlowe reports the theft of the Faberge bauble to Mannering]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Who did it?

David Marlowe:
The television camera identified her. Her name is Eva Dumel. She works as a courier for the Pameranian embassy.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Have the police picked her up yet?

David Marlowe:
They can't.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Why not?

David Marlowe:
Diplomatic immunity.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
You're kidding.

David Marlowe:
It's true. They can't so much as lay a finger on her.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Well, I've got news for you. I can.

[Two gun-toting goons have abducted Mannering]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
OK, fellows, we've done the mystery bit. Now, where are we going?

[one of the goons jabs Mannering with a pistol]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
How about a fast game of twenty questions?

[silence]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Conversation is certainly a dying art.

John Alexander Templeton-Green:
I envy you, Mr. Mannering. You really have had a most eventful life.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
You talk like you expect it to end.

John Alexander Templeton-Green:
Do I? Must be my subconscious.

[Templeton-Green reads from Mannering's dosier]

John Alexander Templeton-Green:
University of Houston, U.S. Forces in Europe, attached to the Fine Arts Subcommission tracing fine art treasures looted by the Nazis - all very commendable. Ranching in Texas - the Baron Ranch - antiques stores in London, Paris and Washington...

John Alexander Templeton-Green:
You understand, of course, that if you get yourself into any trouble, you're on your own. We shall deny knowing anything about you.

David Marlowe:
Charming.

John Alexander Templeton-Green:
Well, we always issue that warning, Marlowe. Nothing personal, you understand. Just official procedure.

[Upon entering his Pamerian hotel room, Mannering hears splashing and discovers a beautiful woman taking a bubble bath in his bathroom]

Cordelia Winfield:
Good afternoon.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Am I disturbing you?

Cordelia Winfield:
Not at all. Am I disturbing you?

[Mannering snorts]

Cordelia Winfield:
I'm Cordelia Winfield, your contact in Pomerania.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
It's a gorgeous country.

[while rummaging through his files of Pameranian government employees, the embassy official pulls out a photograph of a beautiful woman in a bikini]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit?

Embassy Official:
Quite so.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
I'd like to meet some of these characters.

Cordelia Winfield:
The embassy is giving a cocktail party tomorrow at 8. They're all invited.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
But are we?

Cordelia Winfield:
We can be.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Then we accept.

Georges Sforza:
One of the reasons I am successful, Mr. Mannering, is that I never press my luck too far... when I have won - or when I have lost.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Well, that's a sure sign of sanity.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Is this the fastest this crate'll go? I thought all agents had those sharp-looking, hopped-up jobs.

Cordelia Winfield:
That would look great outside my workers' block.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Well, I hope it reaches the border before it blows up.

Cordelia Winfield:
It will. It's only another five kilometers to the border.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
What will you do now, Cordelia?

Cordelia Winfield:
Since I'm persona non grata in Pamerania, I suppose I'll go back to England.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
I'm glad.

Cordelia Winfield:
Are you? Why?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
I'll buy you the best dinner in London.

Cordelia Winfield:
I'd like that.

[Templeton-Green rescues Mannering and Cordelia from a Pameranian border guard in the nick of time]

John Alexander Templeton-Green:
Good morning. Just happened to be passing through.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Next time a guy comes at me with a rifle butt, I hope you just happen to be passing.

[last lines]

John Alexander Templeton-Green:
You know, I really rather envied you this trip. The weather in London has been absolutely shocking. Test match isn't going well, either, and as to golf, not an Englishman in sight. Oh well, we can't all be lucky. Come on!

John Mannering 'The Baron':
[to Cordelia] Rule Britannia.

[Mannering has followed Eva Dumel to the sixth floor of a government office building]

Embassy Official:
On the 6th floor, there's Anna Lobovitch, Minister of Culture. Then there's Georges Sforza - he's Minister of Economics. I don't quite know what the job entails; it's really unemployment on an executive level. And the last is Lazlo Polk, Minister of Trade.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Any of these people collectors?

Embassy Official:
Mr. Mannering, at this level, in this country, everybody is collecting something. Usually it's graft.

Ruth Parke:
Why do they call you "The Baron"?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Cattle baron, honey, cattle baron. To tell you the truth it was a cattle ranch started by my grandfather in Texas. That's the Baron brand up there. The nickname stuck.

Ruth Parke:
Texas, you say?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Three hundred miles from Dallas and two hundred thousand acres.

Savannah:
Mr. Mannering, please don't let him do this thing.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
My father was a man who had probably more friends than any other man in Texas and he used to say when you love somebody, really love them, you not only let them do what they want to do, you try to help them.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
"The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." They're magnificent... magnificent symbols of disaster.

Olmira:
Not all, John. The white rider - some believe that it is supposed to represent Christ.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Red horse, red rider is war; black horse, black rider is famine; pale horse, pale rider is death.

Olmira:
Do you know the story behind them? How this man Kronheim made them for Ivan the Terrible; when he delivered them at the Winter Palace, the czar refused to pay for them. Kronheim swore that he would give life to the horsemen and that he would destroy all Russia.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Within weeks the whole country was swept by war, famine and death.

Verdon:
Is that really true?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Probably not, but an antique doubles in value if its got a good story to go with it.

Soldier:
Your papers!

Miros:
Nothing in this country but miles and miles of papers.

Soldier:
You a vegetable grower?

Miros:
You can read! All these papers and finally a soldier who can read!

John Mannering 'The Baron':
You're a very brave gent. You have two guns, plus a knife, plus a big mouth - that all adds up to being all yellow!

Miros:
You're calling Miros a coward?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Coward, yellow, cheat, snake in the grass - you name it!

Miros:
Nobody calls Miros a coward!

John Mannering 'The Baron':
I do.

Miros:
You win. You take the Four Horsemen. Wine, women, big cars - who needs it.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
I do.

[last lines]

Savannah:
Well, we've done it.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Yes, we did.

Savannah:
For war, rebel guns... red horse, red rider - war.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Savannah, there are those who believe that white horse, white rider is hope.

[last lines]

[Samantha kisses Mannering on both cheeks]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
What was that for?

Samantha Ballard:
It's an old French custom.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Do you know any others?

Samantha Ballard:
Mm-hmm.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Well, I have an open mind.

Yasugi:
It is the sword of the great Lord Asano!

Asano:
The great Lord Asano has been dead for five hundred years.

Yasugi:
No man may own this.

Asano:
You're wrong. When I get my check for 10,000 pounds, it will be owned by John Mannering.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Oh, I see you brought the sword. That's beautiful, beautiful! It must be quite a wrench parting with it.

Asano:
Well, the size of your check softens the pain considerably.

[speaking in a fake Japanese accent]

David Marlowe:
Ah so, most sorry. Regret must cut off honorable head.

[Marlowe swings the samurai sword and accidentally knocks a valuable bowl off the shelf which Mannering manages to grab before it breaks]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Most lucky. Almost had to cut off honorable salary.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
The loyalty of a samurai lasts though life into death.

[last lines]

Samantha:
I don't think I shall ever understand.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Samantha, the samurai has but one master.

Hargraves:
The cashier obviously didn't recognize you and it is, of course, a respectable amount of money.

Ofeg Cossackian:
I consider all sums of money respectable.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
You'd better stick around.

David Marlowe:
I'd like to. It's not every day you get a chance to meet a legendary character like Ofeg Cossackian.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Yes, for which I'm very grateful.

David Marlowe:
What's he really like?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Oh, he's just your average run-of-the-mill eccentric millionaire.

David Marlowe:
Also one of the meanest, I hear.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
That's right, he's one of the last non-spenders.

David Marlowe:
John, there's just one thing that bothers me. Cossackian's not a collector, is he?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Only of money, David, only of money.

Ofeg Cossackian:
You forget what is was like in the old days - how I brought you up from the gutter.

Mira Cossackian:
From the gutter to this is not up.

David Marlowe:
I mean, what if I am wrong?

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Don't worry about it, we all make mistakes. You can get another job easy enough.

Colonel Ahmed Bey:
You will find everything is organized to the last detail.

King Ibrahim:
So I see. Once in a while I would like to be consulted.

Colonel Ahmed Bey:
I would not presume to bother your majesty with triffles.

King Ibrahim:
Even triffles would give me the feeling I had something to do with the running of my country.

John Mannering 'The Baron':
Easy, honey, there's nothing like temper for giving a girl wrinkles.

[to the beautiful Sirocco]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
If you ever want to wrestle again, I'm in the book.

[discussing a murdered blackmailer]

John Mannering 'The Baron':
That's a risky way to make a buck.

David Marlowe:
For three million of them, it was worth it.