The Ben Stiller Show

Tabitha Soren:
The censorship battle over rap star Ice Man McGee's latest release is heating up. A Los Angeles man by the name of Doug Szathkey is protesting Ice Man's new hit single, 'Kill Doug Szathkey.'

Ice Man McGee:
[rapping] Cuttin' up my lawn, and scatterin' his clippings. / You think I don't know where my yard begins? / He lives on Springer Road, number 311. / Sucker gets home every night around 7. / Kill Doug Szathkey. / That's right, I said, kill Doug Szathkey. / Peace.

Ice Man McGee:
It's like I'm saying, it's just censorship, straight up. I would like to make it clear that when I said, 'Kill Doug Szathkey', I was using street terminology to describe a situation from my life. When you misinterpret my words, all ya'all dis me, you dis my fans, and you dis the United States Constitution. And that's a real crime.

Radio Jingle:
Potato chips, potato chips, I love potato chips. / Potato chips, potato chips, eat 'em up, wow.

Gen. Douglas MacArthur:
Come on Stacy, shake those cobwebs loose.

B Minus Time Traveler:
July 7, 1941, a dayyy that will live in infamy.

[General MacArthur gives a disapproving look]

B Minus Time Traveler:
September 12, 1941, a dayyy that will live in...

[whines]

B Minus Time Traveler:
Come on, General MacArthur, they both sound right.

Gen. Douglas MacArthur:
How could you forget the day Pearl Harbor was bombed?

B Minus Time Traveler:
Well, it was like, super easy to cheat in that class, cuz I had this friend Stacy, we had this system rigged where you would write it...

[the General stare sternly]

B Minus Time Traveler:
on... your... arm...

Yakov Smirnoff:
What will the New World Order bring for Yakov?

[curls into a ball on the floor]

Yakov Smirnoff:
What a Crazy Independent Nation of Union of Socialist Republics that are together in a Federation of Craziness that is all free.

[extremely forced laugh]

Yakov Smirnoff:
I love this country.

Sinead O'Conner:
What do you know about suffering? Your whole life is frivolous and petty. You spend your whole day worried about whether one of your tenants is gay.

Norman Fell:
It's just a part I play...

Sinead O'Conner:
A part you *chose* to play, sir.

William Shatner:
Look at us. Is this what you want? You've... pitted us against each other... like animals in a cage. For what? A silly late night talk show? Do you know what it is to feel... to... Love?

Capt. Willie Jones:
Dammit Agassi, you're out of bounds. Turn in your racket.

Narrator:
But in a game of doubles...

Capt. Willie Jones:
This is a game of DOUBLES.

Narrator:
He's been playing singles way too long...

Capt. Willie Jones:
You been playing singles wayyyyy too long.

Narrator:
But now there's word on the street that that little show-off Aga-SSI is back in the game.

Armand Assante:
So, the word on the street is that that little show-off Aga-SSI is back in the game.

Charles Manson:
[on the phone] You wanna talk to Mrs. Wilson? Why don't you wanna talk to Charlie? You think if you don't talk to me, I'll go away, but I can't go away, because I'm not here. I'm a ghost of a phantom of a shadow in the heart of your children!

Charles Manson:
You got to walk it like you talk it. A wop bop a loo-wop a wop bam boo!

Mrs. Wilson:
Hush, Manson, I'm fixing dinner.

Charles Manson:
I'll fix brain stew for dinner when I'm the cook, Jack!

Daniel Day Lewis:
You know, the Mohicans may have been last in the race to survive, but they were number one when it came to cross-training.

Daniel Day Lewis:
Warning. If something goes wrong with the treadmill, stay on. Do not get off. I will come, no matter what occurs. I will fix it.

Head Terrorist:
Attention shoppers, for the next 10 minutes, we will have a special offer. Two million dollars in Christmas coupons in exchange for your lives.

Police Officer in Charge:
You just destroyed an entire deli section, mister.

Bruce Willis:
What do you think I'm doing here, comparison shopping, huh?

Bruce Willis:
Scum check, aisle six.

Head Terrorist:
Your coincidental appearance at every terrorist attack on Christmas Eve grows tiresome, Mister BAD BOY.

Bruce Willis:
Yabba dabba doo, dabba dooby dabba dooby dabba.

Head Terrorist:
Shut UP.

Bruce Willis:
How can the same thing happen to the same guy so many times?

David Cassidy:
Tony Bobbins, are you the devil?

Tony Bobbins:
I am not evil, I am not the devil!

John McClane:
[John is hiding under a display of cabbages, two terrorists run by it - John comes up from under it with a pistol in a violent rage] Hey fellas! Gotta eat your greens!

[Kills Terrorists]

John McClane:
[John has run out of one-liners, and he's just impaled a Terrorist's face with dozens of toothpicks] Think damnit think!... uhh... sorry to pick on you guys... heh... yeah.

Goo:
[singing] They never eat, that's why they're skinny as a bone. Stop your posing. Models, GO HOME.

Ben Stiller:
Today, um, my girlfriend left me for... Stephen Stupidhead Baldwin.

Ed Brimley:
The little oat buds, they say, 'No, don't take me, I'm so tender.' But they do. They take 'em and they put 'em right in their hands and then the oat buds go, 'No no.' YES. We're taking BECAUSE you're tender. We're going to take you and CRUSH YOU. Crush you 'cuz you're DIRTY. You're dirty and you need to be punished.

Jonsie:
[singing to the tune of Nirvana's 'Lithium'] I'm so dizzy, skateboard into gabage cans. Slugging down caffeine, eating veggies, haven't slept in a week and a half. Blah blah blah bl-blah. Blah blah blah bl-blah.

Woman:
Dear Charles, I have three rambunctious children. How do you remove a tomato stain from a Persian rug?

Charles Manson:
You can't get a stain out! You think I'm the stain. They say Charlie is a stain and they tried to rub me out and put me in a jail cell. Only you don't- you just spread me around, more! I'm inside your children. I'm a stain all out there in the world. I'm not just locked up. You're locked up in the prison. I'm free. I'm fly - I'm...

[flaps arms]

Charles Manson:
...floating around and looking around. I like it up here. You should try some lemon juice.