The Benchwarmers

Gus:
Clark, could you not pick your nose in front of me?

Clark:
I'm not picking, I'm scratching.

Gus:
Scratching what? Your brain?

Clark:
Yeah, 'cause it's huge.

Clark:
[where someone has recently farted] Oh! I love beef stew!

Howie:
For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER! [cries]

Richie:
He just did that steroid free!

Clark:
What's steroids?

Richie:
Something that makes your 'pee-pee' smaller.

Clark:
Ohh... there must be steroids in macaroni!

Gus:
I think this is a sign that you should get a car.

Clark:
My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year. [extends arms forward and then retracts] She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.

Howie:
I used to think the sun was evil but now I know it's not.

Wayne:
How's the moon treating you.

Howie:
Not a fan.

Clark:
Is bad ass one or two words?

Howie:
What's going all the way?

Wayne:
[whispers in Howie's ear]

Howie:
Oh. [squeezes suntan lotion and screams] Aaaaaah!

Clark:
Shut up, Number 7!

Number 7 Robot:
You shut up!

Clark:
I'll kill you!

Old Man:
I smell cinnamon rolls.

Richie:
[after Salad Girl leaves] What do you think of my future wife?

Old Man:
I smell Cinnamon Rolls!

Richie:
Oh, I smell Cinnamon Rolls too.

Richie:
[after pulling up to Mel's house] Wow,I always wondered who lived here, I just thought it was Clay Aiken or something.

Mel:
Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids [shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger]

Gus:
HAHA,Reggie that was you?

Reggie Jackson:
[angrily] What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.

Gus:
[frightened] Oh,uh,Yes.Like a young Denzel.

Richie:
[whispered to Clark] I didn't know Denzel played Erkel.

Brad:
You guys think you're athletes now?

Richie:
Haha that's funny I didn't know ath-e-letes had three syllables... thats ama-za-zaing.

Richie:
Are you guys ready to scr-mi-mimage?

Kyle:
I'm gonna call the cops!

Clark:
We are cops!... We're navy seals!

Kyle:
Navy seals aren't cops!

Troy:
Aren't you our paperboy?

Clark:
...I'm undercover

Gus:
My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.

Kyle:
Time to meet your makers!

Clark:
Makers of what? POOP?

Mel:
If you build it, nerds will come.

Clark:
Hold on I got a text from my mom... NO WAY we're having maccroni tonight that means garlic bread! Yes!

Mel:
Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.

Wayne:
Is that beer?

Carlos:
[stumbling] No it's Gatorade homie, get out of my way.

[repeated line]

Richie:
I love... salad.

Howie:
Richie told me about the serial killers thats loose in in our neighborhood killing anyone named Howie! THAT'S MY NAME! That's my name!

Mel:
Howie, you're a freak.

Mel:
Have you even known the joys of having children?

Richie:
Never had a date.

Clark:
Never talked to a girl.

Richie:
[after Gus hits a homerun] Wow and he did it without steroids.

Clark:
What's steroids?

Richie:
Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.

Clark:
There must be steroids in macaroni!

Marcus Ellwood:
Do you still think I look like Yoda?

Gus:
No.

Marcus Ellwood:
But Yoda's my favorite! You're a bad, bad man!

Richie:
Clark, we don't play baseball.

Clark:
I told Gus that we would be there, and if we don't show up, that makes me a liar... and that's not what I'm about... Not now, NOT EVER!

Richie:
Okay, Okay Daytime Emmy

Kyle:
Leave our field or you will suffer the consequences!

Richie:
What is this, "children of the corn"?

Troy:
Listen, we have a game tomorrow, and there's only one field to practice on - so, beat it! [pushes Nelson]

Richie:
[after hitting the ball] I ticked it, it hit the bat!

Charlie Catcher:
You're ssstill out.

Richie:
You're ssstill fat!

Gretchen Peterson:
Move your ass Richie!

Gus:
[to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

Mel:
Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

Nelson:
I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

Clark:
When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

Nelson:
His son just did that to me last week.

[looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am]

Clark:
This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.

Mel:
It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.

[Mel activates the car with his watch]

K.I.T.T.:
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.

Richie:
[to Mel] Who are you?

Mel:
Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... to make billions.

Gus:
Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.

Jerry:
What was that?

Gus:
Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry.

Jerry:
Oh, really?

Gus:
[stands up from chair] Really.

Jerry:
Okay, Gus- Gus... Gus Bus! That's you, Gus Bus!

Gus:
Oh, that was a brutal comeback. Come on guys, let's go. I don't think I can ever get over that one. Whew!

Richie:
Yeah, I bet you're a real good catcher... of donuts in your mouth.

Clark:
That nerd makes me look like Rambo.

Richie:
No.

Clark:
John Stamos?

Richie:
Warmer.

Clark:
[a ball hits Richie in the head] Duuuuhhhr!

Richie:
You just lost your membership at video world!

Clark:
Dang it!

Carlos:
Looks like the Gus Bus is out of gas.

Gus:
[upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?

Wayne:
Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.

Carlos:
Me tummy, es sicko.

Umpire:
Well you got proof he's a kid?

Gus:
Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.

Wayne:
Not according to birth certifico.

[hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]

Umpire:
[looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!

Howie:
[quivering] Carlos?

Carlos:
Who say my name?

Howie:
[gives him 2 packs of beer and a tequila] I brought you a present from the Benchwarmers. You're really good at baseball.

Carlos:
[happy] Thank you Albino. [bold] Now get lost!

Howie:
[cowers away screeching]

[after purosely stomping on Gus's hand]

Carlos:
Sorry. It was accident. [lifts foot off Gus's hand]

[seeing three Howie's thru his blurred vision]

Carlos:
Look at all those Albinos.

Carlos:
No really, I need another refill.

Wayne:
You need to go to an AA meeting.

[Carlos is drinking a tequilla while pitching]

Carlos:
Maria? Why did you leave me?

Mel:
Letting that 12 year old drink like that is disgusting.

Richie:
Dude. You smell like beer.

Carlos:
You look like beer.

[last lines]

Mel:
This was a total waste of time, wasn't it?

Gus:
Yeah.

Clark:
We could still win this thing.

Richie:
Wha-how?

Clark:
If we use the force.

Richie:
Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.

Clark:
The Force is powerful, my young padawan.

Howie:
He's right. It is.

Gus:
Man! I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years.

Clark:
I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.

Gus:
Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time... thats like saying you've never had apple pie.

Gus:
You've never had apple pie?

Clark:
My mom said it would give me diarrhea.

Gus:
That's ridiculous, Clark! You have to try it at least once!

Clark:
Diarrhea?

Gus:
No! Baseball!

Howie:
Richie? [hands out a bottle of urine]

Richie:
Okay, buddy.

Clark:
Is that apple juice?

Richie:
Nooo.

Richie:
I guess I'm no longer a virgin... to home runs, BYOTCH!

Richie:
Clark! You kissed a girl before I did?

Clark:
This is way better than macaroni!

Brad:
Bring it!

Clark:
Suck it!

Gus:
[shouts] Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.

Clark:
Well where's the strike zone? [he gets a bit distracted during the pitch]

Umpire:
Strike two!

Gus:
Right there.

Gus:
[looking at baseball cards] We've got statistics! I got 30 homeruns!

Richie:
I got 11 foul ticks!

Clark:
I got 20 eyes-closed strike outs, 5 broken windshields, and 6 dead birds! I'm freakin' awesome!

Number 7 Robot:
Oh Sh*t!

Mel:
Richie, do you have any kids?

Richie:
Never had a date.

Mel:
Clark?

Clark:
Never spoke to a girl.

Mel:
Gu-Gus?

Gus:
Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.

Wayne:
Carlos your drunk!

Carlos:
[Carlos throws up] Blaaaaaa!

Gus:
Move over honey, I gotta take a leak.

Liz:
Oh my God! You're not kidding!

Richie:
[after Salad Girl gives back a video] Well, I am management, so I'm gonna waive the late fee.

Salad Girl:
Oh, they're not late, but thank you. [Richie laughs nervously]

Brad:
Hey, what the... Clark? Richie? I hardly recognised you clowns without the underwear on your heads!

Richie:
Brad! Wow, you have really not slimmed down!

Brad:
So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now?

Richie:
That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables, A-tha-lete? That's ama-za-zing.

Brad:
You think you're hot sh*t 'cos you know words.

Clark:
Hey Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us towards the register, or... Register... er...!...

Poker Guy #1:
[speaking about Gus] That guy damaged more kids than anybody I knew. He made my life hell growing up.

Karl:
You're twice his size, you could crush that little puke!

Poker Guy #1:
He didn't do the physical warfare! He played the psychological card by attacking your weaknesses. I started losing my hair when I was nine years old. And he jumped all over it with the mean nicknames! Eight ball. Bowling ball. Kojak. Mr. Clean. Cream of Wheat guy. Scatman Crothers. The black Uncle Fester!

Poker Guy #2 A.K.A. O'Malley:
How about the black, bodybuilding Charlie Brown?

Poker Guy #1:
He used that too!

[starts crying]

Poker Guy #1:
Yeah, Gus Matthews was easily the biggest bully in Brookdale!

Principal:
Well, you weren't the nicest kid in school either, Steven.

[knocks off Steven's wig]

Poker Guy #1:
[runs off crying] I HATE EVERYBODY!

Principal:
What a baby.

Fairy Jerry:
It's Clork the Dork and Richy Bitc** playing baseball. Fairy Jerry: They should stick to what the know best boogers and Dingleberries.