The Big Noise

[Stan and Ollie have been invited to dinner]

Oliver:
I'm famished.

Alva P. Hartley:
We'll start with the turkey. [he uncovers a tray holding a number of pills] Will you have light meat or dark?

[Alva plunks some pills on the boys' plates]

Stanley:
Could I have another joint?

Alva P. Hartley:
Here you are, Junior.

[Alva hands Egbert his allotment of pills]

Egbert:
Gee, the neck as usual. I'm getting capsule-happy now.

[after consuming his pills, Grandpa coughs violently]

Grandpa:
I got a bone stuck in my throat.

Aunt Sophie:
Don't bolt your food, Grandpa. (to Stan and Ollie) He always does that, especially when we have fish.

Stan:
You know what?

Oliver:
What?

Stan:
I've got a clue. I think Mr. Hartley is just a bit cracked. Well, I ought to know.

Oliver:
All inventors are like that - they're eccentric. They're not like you and me.

[to Stan, as he pokes Ollie's bulging belly with a pistol]

Dutchy Glassman:
If you don't tell me where the bomb is, I'll plug your friend here so full of holes he'll look a Swiss cheese!

Oliver:
What a beautiful picture.

Alva P. Hartley:
Yes, that cost a lot of money. It's a Vandyke.

Stanley:
A what?

Alva P. Hartley:
A Vandyke. You know what a Vandyke is.

Stanley:
Oh, yeah. My uncle had one, but he had to have it shaved off.

Oliver:
Shh!

Stanley:
What?

Oliver:
Vandyke was a painter, not a beard.