The Big Valley

Jarrod Barkley:
Nick, I promise never to call you a bull in a china shop again.

Nick Barkley:
We get back in one piece, you can call me anything you like.

Nick Barkley:
It might do you good to eat a little dust once in awhile.

Jarrod Barkley:
I'm a lawyer, remember? I only eat crow.

Heath:
Now I have had me a day...!

Heath:
Boy Howdy! I've got blisters in places I didn't even know I had places.

Heath:
Well its no pride I got in him for a daddy, but its a proud name, and I'm gonna wear it. And Boy Howdy! People are gonna look up to me!

Nick Barkley:
Untie me and I'll show you a little justice, Barkley style.

Victoria Barkley:
When Nick is pushed, he pushes back with everything he has.

Nick Barkley:
Get them walkin' vermin off my land! Off!

Nick Barkley:
You touch just one of them sheep, Carl, and you'll find me on your door-step!

Heath Barkley:
What are they doing here, Nick?

Nick Barkley:
What does it look like!

Heath Barkley:
Where did they come from?

Nick Barkley:
Well how do I know where they come from!

Jarrod Barkley:
Nick, did you have to drive those sheep right down the middle of the street?

Nick Barkley:
Yes.

Jarrod Barkley:
Why?

Nick Barkley:
It's against the law to drive 'em down the sidewalk.

Jarrod Barkley:
All right, Nick, you've got pride. Now that's just fine. But you're about to take on this entire valley. Do you think you're big enough?

Nick Barkley:
Might be interesting to find out.

Jarrod Barkley:
Nick, this is no joke!

Nick Barkley:
Do you see me laughin'? I hate those mangy sheep with their ugly, short legs! I can't breathe when I'm down wind of 'em!

Jarrod Barkley:
Then why keep them?

Nick Barkley:
Because they're mine!

Nick Barkley:
Where is Josiah?

Jarrod Barkley:
I don't know, but the sheep are gone.

Nick Barkley:
I finally meet a man as stubborn and as stupid as I am.

Jarrod Barkley:
Hey, wait a minute. Where do you think you're going?

Nick Barkley:
I know, I know. The law should take care of this. Well maybe the law can take care of Josiah's buryin'.

Jarrod Barkley:
Now listen. You keep talking like that and we won't even offer to come with you.

Nick Barkley:
One fool's enough in any family!

Nick Barkley:
[Nick walks into the saloon up to the bar] Whiskey.

Carl Wheeler:
I didn't expect to see you so soon.

Nick Barkley:
Why not?

Carl Wheeler:
Well, I figured you'd still be driving those sheep to slaughter.

Nick Barkley:
I got thirsty. [to the bartender] Whiskey. C'mon, c'mon.

Carl Wheeler:
Then you still got 'em?

Nick Barkley:
Last time I looked, yes.

Carl Wheeler:
When are you gonna get rid of 'em?

Nick Barkley:
Look, I'm getting tired of people asking me stupid questions! [Again to the bartender who still hasn't moved] Are you deaf? I said whiskey!

Bartender:
I can't do it, Mr. Barkley, much as I'd like to.

Nick Barkley:
Do what?

Bartender:
Look, they'll-they'll break up my place. They'll put me out of business. I-I just can't serve a-a sheepman, not in this town...

Nick Barkley:
[Nick quickly grabs the bartender roughly by the collar] You call me that one more time, and I'll tear this place up!

Franklin:
Baaaaaah! [imitating a sheep sound]

Chambers:
Now, he looks like a sheepman.

Franklin:
He sure acts like a sheepman.

Dan Kelsey:
Smells like a sheepman.

Carl Wheeler:
Then he must be a sheepman.

Franklin:
Hey, Kelsey, why don't you ask that sheepman to move down-wind a little.

Dan Kelsey:
Sheepman, you're making my friend here sick.

Chambers:
Guess I'm lucky. I got a cold.

Nick Barkley:
Now when I get back here, I want to see a bottle and a glass waiting for me. All right?

Link:
[Three cowboys ride up, leading Dave Carr's horse: Nick's murdered cow-hand] Howdy! Is this the Barkley ranch?

Nick Barkley:
That's right.

Link:
Good. My partners and I found this horse. Thought it might belong to you.

[Link edges his horse toward Nick]

Nick Barkley:
Stay right where you are.

Link:
Well now that's not very friendly.

Nick Barkley:
[Link moves his hand toward his gun, but Nick quickly draws his gun before him] I wouldn't try that. You'll never make it.

Link:
There are three of us, Barkley!

Nick Barkley:
Try it, and there'll only be two of you.

Link:
All we want is the girl. Send her down and we'll ride on.

Nick Barkley:
You're wasting your time. That girl knows nothing.

Link:
Well then there's no harm in my talking to her, is there.

Nick Barkley:
[Link edges his horse forward again. Nick shoots him, clipping his ear] Now, the next one's gonna be right between the eyes! Back off!

Link:
[Link to his men while holding his bleeding ear] Back off... nice and slow.

Nick Barkley:
[Nick and Jennie Hall walk past a group of men outside of the saloon. Nick is carrying her basket. The men begin to laugh. Nick turns around] Um, what's so funny?

Cowboy in front of the Saloon:
[Nobody responds until Nick turns around to continue on, and then one of the men steps forward] You are, Barkley! You figurin' on sniffin' after her from here to Kansas?

Nick Barkley:
[to Jennie] Uh, hold this, I'll be right back. [Nick steps up to the man who mouthed off to him] Take your best shot. [the man swings and misses while Nick knocks him flat with three straight punches]

Nick Barkley:
[Wheeler tricks Nick into a fight outside of the saloon. Wheeler smuggles a gun out, and uses Nick as a shield while he shoots several gunmen who are waiting for Wheeler] You set me up!

Wheeler Johnson:
That's a fact.

Nick Barkley:
[Nick grabs Wheeler as he walks by and punches him] That's a fact!

Layle Johnson:
[talking to Nick as he is smitten with her] Are you always like this?

Nick Barkley:
No, I am usually shy.

Wheeler Johnson:
[Nick has just shot Wheeler in the leg] Why'd you let me off?

Nick Barkley:
Because I figure Layle deserves a choice. Now, we're gonna go see her. If she tells me to ride out, you're never gonna see me again. If she tells you to ride out, I'd better not ever see you again, or I'll finish what you started here.

Nick Barkley:
You raise a colt, you teach it to carry a saddle. You raise a man, you teach him to carry a drink!

[Nick and Madigan have just finished one fight and Madigan wants to start another]

Patrick Madigan:
Shall we have another go at it?

Nick Barkley:
You show your tail on this property again and I'm sure we will.

Nick Barkley:
Oh, will you two clear out of here? I'm trying to tame this bird and I'm not getting any help from you.

Jarrod Barkley:
You're not getting any help from the bird, either.

Major Wilson:
I understand from Jarrod this man came in out of nowhere as it were.

Nick Barkley:
Came in answer to my notice.

Major Wilson:
References? Recommendations? What papers establishing that he indeed can be trusted with dynamite?

Patrick Madigan:
Haven't you heard? It's become an Irish specialty.

Mack:
Tell me, Madigan, what kind of country is that Ireland place?

Patrick Madigan:
Well, it's the land of leprechauns and the Kellys and the O'Breins and the Blarney Stone, but that's not all there is. Oh, it's a land for poets to tell about, not a fool like me. Oh, it's the smoke of peat and the slow creak of carts along the road, the Connemara ponies... Sweet land it is, though often sad.

Eric Mercer:
Rest - the universal panacea.

Dr. Merar:
Don't laugh at it. It is the universal panacea.

Nick Barkley:
What, me pick up a check for a prosperous lawyer? I wouldn't humiliate you!

Jarrod Barkley:
I wouldn't dream of denying you the opportunity!

Nick Barkley:
I've got 3000 head of cattle, 550 miles to drive in 24 days with 40 men who don't know which end of the cow to prod - and not just our cattle, Jarrod, but Carr, DeKoven, Royce and Frye's who are still biting their nails because they had to throw their cattle in with us. Nobody gets fired!

[Nick has just countermanded one of Heath's orders]

Jarrod Barkley:
Nick, you just chopped his legs off at the knees.

Nick Barkley:
I'd have done it to you and you'd have done it to me!

Jarrod Barkley:
Nick, it's not the same.

Nick Barkley:
We're all Barkley's aren't we?

Jarrod Barkley:
We were born to the name, Nick, that gives us immunity.

Victoria Barkley:
Audra, would you get my sewing basket? There seems to be a button missing at the top of your dress.

General Wallent:
Every snake has two fangs.

[to cover up the murder of a female prisoner, the guards kidnap Victoria]

Victoria Barkley:
Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Burke Jordan:
The last lady that yelled that never got back in again. Better save your strength. You're going to need it when you get to Furnance Hill.

Victoria Barkley:
Furnance Hill?

Burke Jordan:
Never heard of it? It's a prison due east of here... about four days as the buzzards fly.

Nick Barkley:
[Nick walks into the saloon to where Heath is playing poker at a table. He looks over Heath's shoulder to see his hand] You boys can't beat "kings" you better drop.

Heath Barkley:
I outta bust you right in the teeth!

Nick Barkley:
Oh now you just go ahead and try. I'd like an excuse to tear you apart top to bottom.

Heath Barkley:
[Heath gets up to face Nick] All right, big brother. You name the game. But anything you start, I figure to finish.

Heath Barkley:
Well, c'mon.

Nick Barkley:
Now that would pleasure me. But I'd like the proper time to do the proper job. And unfortunately right now, I don't have the proper time. But I'll tell you what. You just try me when I get back from Coreyville!

Heath Barkley:
Coreyville?

Nick Barkley:
Jarrod went down there last night. He was supposed to telegraph us. We haven't heard a word.

Nick Barkley:
Oh, don't let that interfere with your card game.

Jarrod Barkley:
I can't wait to get to Brownsville and cut some of this dust off.

Nick Barkley:
I figured you'd be pretty used to it. You get enough dust in all those law books of yours.

Jarrod Barkley:
Oh, is that so?

Nick Barkley:
Mm-hmm.

Jarrod Barkley:
Well then, brother Nick, maybe you'd like to negotiate the contract for this herd.

Nick Barkley:
Oh, no no no, I find my spelling pretty dusty, too.

Hemit:
[after supervising Heath Barkley's flogging] I hope by now that you have learned the hopelessness of trying to escape, for the next time your punishment will not be so simple.

Benjamin:
Oh, I reckon how seeing him work like that kinda satisfies the hate she's got for him.

Cyrus:
Just so it don't satisfy her too much.

Captain Chavez:
[to Heath Barkley] Eat your supper, senor. Eat it, or I will have my men feed it to you.

[first lines]

[Nick and Heath meet for the first time in the middle of a narrow bridge, trying to ride in opposite directions]

Nick Barkley:
Afternoon.

Heath Barkley:
Afternoon.

Nick Barkley:
Quite a pony you got there.

Heath Barkley:
Yes, she's a runner.

Nick Barkley:
Indian?

Heath Barkley:
Modoc.

Nick Barkley:
Ah, well, they breed'em right up there

Heath Barkley:
'Cept for one thing.

Nick Barkley:
Well, what's that?

Heath Barkley:
They don't know how to back up. So, if you'll just pull that crockhead off this bridge...

Nick Barkley:
Well, now I'd gladly do that for you, boy, except for one thing.

Heath Barkley:
What's that?

Nick Barkley:
This one's a Modoc, too.

[still at loggerheads on the bridge, the boys compare there weaponry, with Nick describing his pistol]

Nick Barkley:
English.

Heath Barkley:
Do tell.

Nick Barkley:
It can core an apple at a half a mile.

Heath Barkley:
On the tree or fallin'?

Nick Barkley:
On horseback. In a hurricane.

Nick Barkley:
[Nick telling story to a group of men] I tried to run for cover, but these claws were ripping right into my back and the teeth were hitting my neck. I've been up against some cats before.

Abner Wirth:
How did you get out?

Jarrod Barkley:
Her husband came home.

Jarrod Barkley:
I've been doing a little thinking since I had that talk with Nick about the hard practicalities of politics - all the compromises - the really hard facts I hadn't thought about. I just decided I wasn't a policitican after all. I'm a lawyer.

Nick Barkley:
That cat hit at me, and I'm gonna hit back!

Nick Barkley:
[Nick and Heath are riding together] You know, I just decided something. I just decided that there's no bigger waste of man hours than chasing down a spooked herd. You know what I think? I'll tell you what I think. I think them stinkin' Murphy boys are the ones that scattered 'em! You wanna know why? I'll tell you why. Because they happen to know we're in the middle of a round-up and they're just mean enough to spook them out on us!

Heath Barkley:
That's what you think, huh?

Nick Barkley:
That is what I think. I also think I ought to go over there and bash a couple of Murphy heads together!

Heath Barkley:
Since you're getting so heated up, I think you ought to do that.

Nick Barkley:
I just might do that! You want to come along?

Heath Barkley:
No thanks.

Nick Barkley:
Well, I'll go alone then!

Heath Barkley:
You know, Nick, sometimes you get so brave you scare me.

Nick Barkley:
I remember the good ol' days when bartenders used to mind their own business.

Jarrod Barkley:
How was yours?

Victoria Barkley:
Awful. But at least the portions were small.

Victoria Barkley:
Young lady, two people can have the finest meal in the fanciest restaurant in San Francisco for half of what you charged.

Janie:
San Francisco must be a wonderful place!

Victoria Barkley:
You can't ask for a better explanation than that.

Victoria Barkley:
Pay the lady before she remembers to charge us for the salt and pepper.

Janie:
Oh no, ma'am, that comes with the meal.

Jarrod Barkley:
And it was the best part of it. Young lady, I hope you will have the decency to use some of your ill-gotten gains to buy your cook a cookbook.

Crawford:
You can't arrest me!

Jarrod Barkley:
Oh, can't I? Take a look at that.

Crawford:
Now, that's a U.S. Deputy's badge.

Jarrod Barkley:
My, what good eyes you have, Grandma.

Nick Barkley:
Just how Irish can an Irishman be?

Heath Barkley:
[Audra storms into the house] Wonder what's wrong with her?

Nick Barkley:
I don't know. Hey, Audra? What's wrong with you?

Audra Barkley:
You'll find out soon enough!

Heath Barkley:
What will we find out soon enough?

Audra Barkley:
I can't find the keys to the gun cabinet. Have you seen them?

Nick Barkley:
They're right here in my pocket.

Audra Barkley:
May I have them, please?

Nick Barkley:
Yeah. [Hands over the keys]

Audra Barkley:
Thank you.

Nick Barkley:
Heath, I swear if I didn't know better, I'd say that it seems, like maybe, Audra's planning to shoot somebody.

Heath Barkley:
Yeah. Who you s'pose she's going to shoot?

Nick Barkley:
No idea.

Heath Barkley:
Think it's anybody we know?

Nick Barkley:
I think we'd better find out.

George Gates:
Now, if there's anything you ladies want, just holler. Nobody will hear you, but its good for the lungs.

Audra Barkley:
I never thought I'd live to see the day my mother is blowing up a safe.

Heath Barkley:
?Lupe, t? est?s aqui? Acuestate cerca de m?. Quiero abrazarte. D?me un besito. [translation:] Lupe, you're here? Lie down near me. I want to hold you. Give me a kiss.

Captain Jonathan Rizely:
A prison is the final reservoir for the scum of this world.

Heath Barkley:
And yourself included?

Captain Jonathan Rizely:
[telling Nick Barkley about Heath Barkley in a sweat-box] At this very moment, I warrant, his flesh is being burnt raw, his tongue is so swollen that it chokes him.

Jarrod Barkley:
How did it happen?

Nick Barkley:
[referring to Heath Barkley] For one thing, a burned leg. No doctor to attend it. They won't give him any good food so he can get his strength back. And they whipped him.

Captain Jonathan Rizely:
Five-nine-seven has been found guilty of a breach of conduct. Direct your attention to the administering of punishment.

Victoria Barkley:
One woman is rarely enough for a man like Scott Breckenridge. The need for conquest is too strong. They simply aren't the marrying kind.

Jacob Kyles:
You're all the same strife soon as one yaw hears' a Kyles with in 18 miles of a crime you right away figure it's him who had done the dirty work.

[reading the slain man's Bible]

Nick Barkley:
Look what Hank's got underlined here: "They have sown the wind; they shall reap the whirlwind."

Heath Barkley:
Doesn't seem like a fit epitaph for old Hank.

Nick Barkley:
Yeah, but it's a fit one for the men that killed him.

Heath:
Nick, you don't have anything to prove. Use your head.

Nick Barkley:
Can't use my head. Marquis of Queensbury rules. You can't butt a man. Can't use my head.

Heath:
[after seeing the boxer flatten a farmer without any trouble at all] Nick, I was just having fun. I tricked you into this. Now, let's get out of here.

Nick Barkley:
I signed up.

Heath:
Well, they can get somebody else! That guy's nobody to fool with.

Adam Howard:
[Nick walks into Adam Howard's office] Well now, another Barkley. Wouldn't it save time if you all came down here at once?

Nick Barkley:
I'd like to ask you a few questions, Mr. Howard.

Adam Howard:
I don't have to answer it, Mr. Barkley.

Nick Barkley:
Well, you're gonna hear 'em anyway.

Adam Howard:
You're quite wrong. I have some business to discuss with these men. Now, will you please excuse me.

Nick Barkley:
Well, I have some business to discuss with you, Mr. Howard. It's about water.

Adam Howard:
I've said all I'm going to say about that water.

Nick Barkley:
Why you doin' this to us?

Adam Howard:
You ask your brother Jarrod. Now get outta here, Barkley!

Nick Barkley:
What's Jarrod got to do with it?

Olson:
[Olson stands up] Now you heard Mr. Howard. Now get going.

Nick Barkley:
I don't want any trouble. [Nick turns as if to leave and then pivots back to hit Olson resulting in a fight between Nick and three of Howard's men]

Heath Barkley:
Where you headin'?

Nick Barkley:
To see Howard.

Heath Barkley:
Jarrod asked us to wait a couple of days. You said you would, Nick.

Nick Barkley:
If you recollect, I said I'd think about it. And the more I think about waiting for Judge Lawson, and now waiting for the court in Sacramento, and then maybe waiting for the Supreme Court, I think it best that you and Jarrod stay here. I'll see to Howard.

Heath Barkley:
[an unconscious Nick has just been dumped out of a wagon back at the Barkley ranch] Nick? Nick, are you hurt?

Nick Barkley:
How'd I get here?

Heath Barkley:
Somebody just delivered you in a wagon.

Nick Barkley:
Adam Howard.

Heath Barkley:
Looks like that talk didn't work out.

Nick Barkley:
We didn't talk! Anyway, it's all right with me. I'm through talkin' anyway. Gonna get them cattle to water.

Heath Barkley:
Think you're gonna get through that fence?

Nick Barkley:
That's what I think.

Heath Barkley:
Just like that?

Nick Barkley:
Just like that. The cattle and the men are all ready to go. You going with us or not?

Heath Barkley:
Nick, that's big trouble.

Nick Barkley:
Then stay here!

Heath Barkley:
I'll get saddled.

Nick Barkley:
C'mon [Nick leads his horse over to the trough so he can clean up]

Jarrod Barkley:
[Jarrod rides in and sees Nick] What happened to you?

Nick Barkley:
Your friend Howard is what happened to me.

Jarrod Barkley:
I told you to stay away from him!

Nick Barkley:
I know what you told me! But I've got a whole herd of thirsting cattle out there! And for your information, I'm taking them on to the Brady's Creek!

Jarrod Barkley:
Then I trust you've made arrangements at the local funeral parlor.

Nick Barkley:
No more talk! We tried it your way, Jarrod! We tried it! It did not work!

Jarrod Barkley:
Now you listen to me, Nick! What you're planning to do is wrong. Dead wrong! And if you think I'm going to let that hard head of yours get you killed, you've got another think coming. [Jarrod moves to take Nick's horse away]

Nick Barkley:
Wait! Wait a minute, Jarrod. Will you wait a minute? [Nick takes the reins of his horse and then spins around hitting Jarrod, knocking him out] I'm uh sorry, big brother.

Audra Barkley:
Jarrod, how could someone do that - turn on their own people?

Jarrod Barkley:
There have been spies as long as there have been wars, Audra.

Audra Barkley:
But she was born and raised in the North. She wasn't a spy - she was a traitor!

Worth Parker:
Lawyers turn down cases. Nobody's making you defend her.

Jarrod Barkley:
That's true.

Worth Parker:
Well, why then?

Jarrod Barkley:
If I thought it was any of your business, Worth, I'd have consulted you before I took the case. As it is, you're right - no one is making me defend Julia Saxon... and no one is going to make me not defend her, either.

Referee:
All right, all right, gentlemen, come to the center of the ring for your instructions. Now I want clean holds, no finger bendin' and both shoulders to the boards for a count of three. There'll be no thumbin', gougin', chewin' or chawin', or I'll tell your ma and she'll take a broom to the both of ya! Now lads, have a go at it and the winner buys me a beer.

Nick:
"I've had smoother deals put to me by dance hall girls." "Explosion" Season 3.