The Birdcage

Armand:
Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!

Armand:
Al, you old son of a b*tch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!

Albert:
How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered... wrong response?

Celsius:
Chewing gum helps me think.

Albert:
Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!

Senator Kevin Keeley:
That's just what Rush Limbaugh said!

Armand:
You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.

Albert:
You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!

Armand:
So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.

Katherine:
You were so terrified, it was so sweet.

Armand:
I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!

Katherine:
I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days!

Armand:
Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."

Albert:
Don't give me that tone!

Armand:
What tone?

Albert:
That sarcastic contemptuous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

Armand:
You're not a woman.

Albert:
Oh, you bastard!

Armand:
It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

Armand:
All right, I'll bite, where are you going?

Albert:
To Los Copa.

Armand:
Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.

Albert:
I know, that's why I'm packing light.

Armand:
Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

Senator Kevin Keeley:
Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.

Albert Goldman:
Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!

Armand:
I made you short?

Albert Goldman:
"You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."

Agador:
When you gonna let me audition for you again?

Armand:
When you have talent.

Armand:
What are you giving him drugs for? What the hell are Pirin tablets?

Agador:
It's aspirin with the "A" and the "S" scraped off.

Armand:
My God, what a brilliant idea!

Agador:
I know.

Albert:
You don't love me anymore, Armand.

Armand:
Oh, sh*t.

Armand:
Now take that wig off or I'll tell Albert you're wearing it.

Agador:
You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing somebody else while he's on the stage.

Armand:
I have two words for you: green card.

Louise Keeley:
Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him?

Barbara Keeley:
Please don't call me Barbie. This afternoon at two o'clock. We've been sleeping together for a year.

Senator Kevin Keeley:
Oh God, has he been tested?

Louise Keeley:
Oh, Kevin!

Barbara Keeley:
Yes, and so have I. [Louise screams]

Senator Kevin Keeley:
I'm so glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon instead of Dole. Dole is just too, too...

Louise Keeley:
Dark.

Senator Kevin Keeley:
Well, I was gonna say liberal, but he's dark, too.

Senator Kevin Keeley:
Oh, I got to fire this woman. Uh, Miss Porter, page two, second paragraph, it's "porno", not "pronto".

[on the phone]

Senator Kevin Keeley:
Hello, Ben. Ready for what? WHAT?

Louise Keeley:
What's the matter, Kevin?

Senator Kevin Keeley:
Jackson's dead.

Louise Keeley:
Oh my God!

Senator Kevin Keeley:
He died in bed? Whose bed? A prostitute?

Louise Keeley:
No!

Senator Kevin Keeley:
A minor? And black?

Louise Keeley:
What?

Senator Kevin Keeley:
I don't believe this! I don't F***ING believe this!

Senator Kevin Keeley:
Louise, I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order! My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!

Louise Keeley:
If necessary, we'll get the Pope's blessing, it's not hard!

Albert:
Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.

Armand:
Celsius, look, this may be a drag show, but it still has to be a good drag show, if possible a great drag show.

Albert:
Yeah, so just because you're twenty-two and hung doesn't mean that you can...

Armand:
Let me do this, Albert.

Armand:
Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. F*** the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.

Armand:
Agador, you're gonna have to get yourself a uniform and dress like a butler.

Agador:
No! I'm gonna look like a fag!

Armand:
Maybe, but you'll look like a fag in a uniform.

Val:
Who put Playboy in the bathroom?

Goldman Girl:
Leave it, it's what they read.

Val:
Don't add! Just subtract!

Albert:
Maybe it is too much to introduce me as his mother on the first visit. Could you tell him I was a relative who dropped in? Val's uncle, Uncle Al!

Armand:
Oh, what's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.

Albert:
Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?

Armand:
What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.

Albert:
Oh, I could play it straight!

Armand:
Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!

Albert:
What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!

Armand:
Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, f*** 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!

Albert:
Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.

Albert:
Oh God, I pierced the toast!

Armand:
So what? The important thing to remember is not to go to pieces when that happens. You have to react like a man, calmly. You have to say to yourself, "Albert, you pierced the toast, so what? It's not the end of your life."

Albert:
No good?

Armand:
Actually, it's perfect. I just never realized John Wayne walked like that.

Albert:
Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?

Armand:
What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...

Armand:
Is Albert here?

Agador:
No.

Armand:
Great. Then he's driving back from Miami at 20 miles an hour with the parking brake on.

Val:
My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.

Armand:
Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt.

Val:
I can still get hurt.

Albert:
He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING!

Albert:
Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!

Albert:
[discussing abortion] Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?

Albert:
My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."

Agador:
Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?

Armand:
Your what?

Agador:
My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right?

Armand:
You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.

Agador:
[in a scene after one in which he was dressed like Lucy] Armand, why don't you let me be in the show?

Armand:
You look like Lucy's stunt double.

Agador:
[dancing around in red wig cleaning] No actually I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky

Armand:
That's horrifying.

Agador:
My father was the shaman of his tribe and my mother was the high priestess.

Armand:
So why the hell did they move to New Jersey?

Agador:
I don't know, they're so stupid.

Katherine:
Armand Goldman.

Armand:
Katie Archer, or is it "Mrs." something?

Katherine:
No. I'm between husbands.

Armand:
[to Agador] Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after f***ing Albert.

[Exits]

Val:
You... can *cook*, right?

Agador:
Your father seems to think so...

Armand:
Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.

Waiter:
Armand, the Kennedys are here again for supper, third time this week, you want to pick up their tab?

Armand:
Ted?

Waiter:
No, just the younger ones.

Armand:
Wish we could get Ted. Give 'em a free round of coffee.

Armand:
Val's fianc?e is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.

Albert:
I see... I see.

Val:
It's just for tonight.

Albert:
I understand, it's just while people are here.

Armand:
My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really sh*t. [sigh] What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.

Armand:
F*** the shrimp!

Armand:
Work it, own it, sell it!

Albert:
Aaaaahhhhh! We've been robbed.

Armand:
What is that crap you served us?

Agador:
It's Guatemalan Peasant Soup.

Armand:
What's Guatemalan Peasant Soup?

Agador:
I don't know, I made it up. I made it up!

Val:
[Agador is dancing by the pool] Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening?

Armand:
There are no straight maids in South Beach.

Albert:
I'm leaving you my stereo...

Agador:
I don't want it.

Albert:
My red boots?

Agador:
I don't want them.

Albert:
And my wigs?

Agador:
Which wig?

Louise Keeley:
Oh, what interesting china.

Louise Keeley:
It looks like young men playing leap frog.

Senator Kevin Keeley:
I feel like I'm insane.

Armand:
Agador!

Val:
Spartacus!

Armand:
Agador Spartacus!... He insists on being called by his full name.

Club Patron:
I've never danced with a man before.

Louise Keeley:
[in female drag] There's always a first time.

Senator Kevin Keeley:
[in drag] No one will dance with me. I think it's this dress. I told them white would make me look fat.

Barbara Keeley:
[in female drag] What about me? I'm just as pretty as the rest of these guys!

Senator Kevin Keeley:
[in drag] Don't leave me. Don't leave me here. I don't want to be the only girl not dancing!

Senator Kevin Keeley:
[in drag] Meet me in 20 minutes at the corner of El Dorado and Palm.

Keeley's Chauffeur:
Lady, not for a million dollars.

[first lines]

[singers are performing "We Are Family" on-stage]

Cyril:
[backstage, into a telephone] Agador! Where is Starina? She goes on in 5 minutes!

[last lines]

Rabbi:
Mazeltov!

Pastor:
As a sign of your union, you may kiss the bride.

Albert:
[loudly weeps hysterically]

Val:
Agador, why aren't you wearing your shoes?

Agador:
[manly voice] I do not wear the shoes... because... they make me fall down.

Armand:
Take it! Take it all! What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?

Louise Keeley:
[hearing Albert's wails] Is someone else home?

Armand:
Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.

Albert:
[in reference to the dinner plates] Mine has a girl. Doesn't yours have a girl?

Val:
I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion... much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich.

Agador:
Senator, another shot for you?

Senator Kevin Keeley:
I don't really drink...

Agador:
Yeah, but now's the time to pretend!

Albert:
[Armand has entered from the kitchen to hear Albert finishing a story]... and so they decided to find a cemetery they *really* loved instead of eating tofu!

Armand:
[very sharply to the Keeleys] Sit down!

Armand:
[sweetly] Please.

Armand:
A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.

Louise Keeley:
I noticed you didn't have this kind of blind sympathy for Bessy Jackson!

Senator Kevin Keeley:
Bessy Jackson is an insensitive cow!

Armand:
Ugh, what is this, sludge?

Agador:
Yes, it's sludge; I thought it'd make a nice change from coffee.

Louise Keeley:
It's so dangerous! You could've fallen!

Senator Kevin Keeley:
I did!

Armand:
How 'bout those dolphins, huh?

Agador:
My Guatemalaness; my natural heat!

Armand:
Yes, I'm afraid of your heat.

Albert:
Hmm, Turkish coffee.

Agador:
See! [Slaps Armand's arm]

Albert:
Armand! Did you see that?

Armand:
What?

Albert:
He blew a bubble while I was singing. He can't do that while I'M SINGING!

Albert:
I'm just... a guy!

Armand:
What about those? [Gesturing to Albert's pink socks]

Albert:
These? Well, one does want a hint of color.

Armand:
[Armand and Val laugh at him, trying to hide it in their expressions, though]

Albert:
You think when I dress like this I'm even more obvious.

Val:
Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late.

Agador:
[In what he thinks is a normal waiter's voice] Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on. [blows out match] I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.

Val:
Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just... give me a break, okay?

Agador:
[In real voice] Okay.

Albert:
Here, let me help you lean on it.

Armand:
I think I need a doctor.

Albert:
Oh, don't be silly! It isn't even swollen!

Armand:
[pulls away] Maybe we should go to an emergency room, you know, I can get an X-ray.

Albert:
[grabs him] You're overreacting! Don't be such a baby! [opens door] Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!

Agador:
Good eve-e-ning. May I take jour purse as usual... or for the first tine?

Val:
I'm getting married.

Armand:
Ohh. [He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go]

Val:
It's a girl. Are you upset?

Armand:
Let me tell you why.

Louise Keeley:
I like its... severity.

Senator Kevin Keeley:
She's a small town girl and he's a pretentious European. The worst kind. Him and his Cold' whatever... his decadent china. I've seen this all before. Aristotle Onassis was like this. And all of the French. Especially Mitterand. And the English. Not Margaret Thatcher, of course. But you can't tell me John Major doesn't have something on the side.