The Bob Cummings Show

[at the opening of the series.]

Bob:
Hold it! I think you're gonna like this picture!

[last lines]

Bob Collins:
Silence! Can't you see I'm being a genius?

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
You *are* a genius, boss.

Bob Collins:
I really was. Wasn't I, Schultz?

[first lines]

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
Hello, all you grown-up kiddies. This is your 'tell me a story lady' Aunt Schultzy. Tonight, I'm going to tell you about the big, bad boss and Little Blonde Riding Hood. Once upon a time, there arrived from Sweden a famous beauty queen named Ingrid and it became the boss's happy assignment to fly her to a convention. Now, he couldn't speak Swedish, but any teacher would have given him 'A' for effort.

Ole Svensen:
[Looking at medals] They look so much together you can't tell them alike.

Cecily Allen:
I've been invited to go birdwatching. I didn't think I could get off, but I managed.

Pamela Livingstone:
Good, we'll be a foursome. You fly with the hawk and I'll soar with the eagle.

Cecily Allen:
I don't follow you.

Pamela Livingstone:
That's the idea. We want to be alone.

[Discussing UFOs]

Bill Lear:
Bob, I don't say there are saucers and I don't say there aren't. All I say is come along this afternoon and bring your camera.

Bob Collins:
Oh? Come where, Bill?

Bill Lear:
The Griffith Park Observatory. That's where the last sightings were made.

Bob Collins:
[pointing to a woman on a chaise lounge] Let's face it, this is the only kind of heavenly body I photograph.

Bill Lear:
That's because you want to be alone with a beautiful girl.

Bob Collins:
That's right - I prefer a dish to a saucer.

Schultzy:
Hello, Margaret.

Margaret MacDonald:
Goodbye, Schultz.

Margaret MacDonald:
What's your hurry?

Schultzy:
I want to get to a neutral port before Herr Bruder finds out who torpedoed his love boat.

Schultzy:
Uh, Margaret, I don't get it.

Margaret MacDonald:
If I hang around, I will. Auf Wiedersehen!

Margaret MacDonald:
My cupboards are full of food!

Bob Collins:
Of which you are the chief consumer! If you'd get out of the kitchen and into the world, you might broaden your mind instead of your...

Margaret MacDonald:
All right!

[discussing Margaret's son, Chuck]

Bob Collins:
He's a man. And if you'd get off the griddle and into a girdle, you might catch one, too!

Margaret MacDonald:
I'll have you know that the health club said in one month, I'd have the figure of an 18-year-old girl.

Bob Collins:
The health... Well, don't take it - you'd only stretch it out of shape like you've done to this one!

Bob Collins:
It's not easy to replace a girl like Schultzy.

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
Thanks.

Bob Collins:
I've had to search high and low.

Margaret MacDonald:
By high he means Mulholland and by low he means Pismo Beach.

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
Boss, I better stay on a few days and teach the new gal the office routine.

Bob Collins:
Oh no, that won't be necessary. I'll take care of it.

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
She won't know what to do about the bookkeeping and filing.

Bob Collins:
Oh, well, I'll show her.

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
Who'll show her what to do in the dark room?

Bob Collins:
...Would you like to withdraw that question?

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
Please.

Steve:
So you want to get physical? Look at these muscles!

[Steve strikes a poses and flexes his muscles]

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
Cute. Now do it with the one between your ears.

[referring to Bob]

Steve:
If he gets in my way, I'll give him such an upper cut he'll be combing his his nose.

[Margaret is vacuuming in the kitchen]

Bob Collins:
Do you mind, Margaret? I've been listening to a vacuum all morning.

Margaret MacDonald:
How is Crazy Lips?

Bob Collins:
Oh, brother.

Margaret MacDonald:
Well, you can't have everything and she has a very nice figure.

Bob Collins:
Yeah, that she has, that she has... 36-23-36-23.

Margaret MacDonald:
What's that last 23?

Bob Collins:
Her IQ.

Bob Collins:
I just wondered if Schultzy was happy?

Margaret MacDonald:
You just wondered if you could get her back, that's all, 'cause you goofed and picked a lemon.

Bob Collins:
Boy, a lemon is right. I had no idea when I squeezed her last night how sour things were going to be today.

Flash Gruskin:
I couldn't help but notice how popular you are with the girls.

Bob Collins:
Well, I understand there are ten girls on board for every man.

Flash Gruskin:
Have you seen anything of my ten?

Bob Collins:
I'm no stableboy. I'm a pilot and a colonel!

Air Policeman:
Okay, colonel - pile it!

Grandpa Collins:
You the same two girls I saw come through the front office?

Collette DuBois:
Oui.

Model:
Mm-hmm.

Grandpa Collins:
Whaddya do with you figures? Leave 'em in the dressing room?

Model:
These styles aren't very revealing. This is a sack

Grandpa Collins:
Sacks are for potatos, not tomatos.

Grandpa Collins:
He wouldn't be where he is now if it wasn't for me.

Model:
For heaven's sake, where is he?

Grandpa Collins:
On top, that's where he is, on top. I taught him the three F's - flirtin', flyin' and photographin'

Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz:
Margret, would you happen to remember just when it was the boss first showed interest in the opposite sex?

Margaret MacDonald:
As I recall, it was as soon as he discovered what sex he was opposite.

[Chuck trails a beautiful model into Bob's studio]

Chuck MacDonald:
I was just looking for Uncle Bob.

Charmaine 'Schutzy' Schutz:
You were following the right bait, but he's not here.