The Brak Show

Brak:
Say wh... what time you got there pardner?

Thundercleese:
Time is an abstract concept created by carbon-based life-forms to monitor their ongoing decay.

Brak:
Last time I was this happy, I was face down in a pizza pie, eatin' my way to freedom!

Brak:
Dad, I need 20 dollars.

Dad:
Yes, and I need a prehensile tail so I can grab onto things like a monkey.

Mike:
Hi there, my name's Mike, I'm a razor-toed-spine-masher, wanna be pals?

Thundercleese:
Negative.

Brak:
I'm just gonna go to my room, I won't be able to sleep though. [snoring]... Man I love sleepin'... I wish I could wake up so I can go back to sleep.

Thundercleese:
[rapping] War!/It's good for me!/What's my name?

Back-up Group:
THUNDERCLEESE!

[Brak prepares to dissect a clam in Biology class]

Brak:
I guess it's goodbye Brak the happy, go-lucky man about town... and hello, Brak the ruthless clam slayer.

Brak:
Holy gherkin pickles, pop!

Dad:
[mumbling in hot tub water]

Brak:
I hope those are talking bubbles, buddy.

[Mom yells at Dad after the roof is torn off their house, she then walks away]

Dad:
[to self] I don't know why we need a roof anyway, just put a hat on and get over it!

Brak:
Mr. Tickles, how do y-how do you think Thunderclese is gonna take this?

Mr. Tickles:
Oh my God, he'll tear your arms off!

Brak:
But I love my arms! That's where my hands live!

Brak:
[singing] That's my mom! / She goes by the name of Mom! / M is for her razmatazz / O is for the way she talks / The other "M" is there because... / You can't have a mom without "M"!

[Brak asks Zorak for help]

Zorak:
I'm not your daddy... or maybe I am.

Dad:
Tonight, in the dark of night, after night has shrouded my dark plan in its nightly darkness, I will exact my revenge!

Closing credits song:
[Sung by a Louis Armstrong-like voice] So long folks, see you soon, hope you loved the show / C'mon next time, if you liked it, but if you didn't like it then watch something else / Oh yeah! Oh yeah, yeah! Scattly-dop-doop goodbye Brak!

[Clarence appears, smoking a cigarette]

Brak:
Clarence! We thought you were dead!

Clarence:
Clarence the boy is dead. Say hello to Clarence the man... who just had sex.

[Brak at a party]

Brak:
Hey guys, lets throw up the booze we just drank...

[Brak comes home in tears]

Brak:
I don't want to live anymore! [runs to his room]

Dad:
Alright, now I can finally have that study I've always wanted.

[Mom looks at him angrily]

Dad:
What? I'm half kidding, what do you people want from me?

Brak:
Hey, what happened to my bed?

[Brak's bed is covered with a thick, bubbling slime]

Zorak:
Yeah, that's my funk. Leave it alone. It's resting.

Brak:
Well, where did it come from?

Zorak:
Do you really want to know?

Brak:
No, I suppose not.

Brak:
I'm going to go talk to my dad. He'll know what to do.

Dad:
How the hell do I know?

[last lines]

Brak:
This is stupid. I wish we weren't penguins and that our show wasn't canceled.

[abrupt cut to black]

Clarence:
Then guess what's gonna happen?

Zorak:
[pulls out a bazooka] You're gonna get hit flush in the face with a Painmaster K-47 hollow nosed armor-piercing shoulder rocket.

Mom:
Not in the house.

Zorak:
Clarence, let's go outside.

Clarence:
The hell I will, I'm not stupid!

Zorak:
[to Brak's mom] All right, get on the table. This postman only rings once.

Grant Gainway:
My God. Father, it's you!

Brak:
His name's not "Father". It's "Dad".

Grant Gainway:
His name is Drake Gainway.

[melodramatic organ sting]

Dad:
It is?

Mom:
I don't understand! I'm blind!

Grant Gainway:
He's obviously been living a double life.

Dad:
I have?

Grant Gainway:
Yes, as Drake Gainway, billionaire industrialist...

Dad:
Who knew?

Grant Gainway:
-and as Dad, lowly worm farmer recently become rich millionaire oil baron.

Dad:
So I'm a millionaire *and* a billionaire? That is freaking awesome!

Brak:
It's not! It's terrible! Drake Gainway is dying from a gigantic BRAIN TUMOR!

Dad:
[removes his hat to reveal an enormous, hideous lump] I was wondering what the hell that was!

Mom:
[to Dad] Go ahead, dear. Tend to your worms. I'll be fine.

Zorak:
You'd better be better than fine. Now grease up and get in the sink!

[last lines]

Brak:
So, what do you wanna do now, Zorak?

Zorak:
[breaks the fourth wall] Watch The Powerpuff Girls Movie on DVD!

[Clarence Raps on stage]

Brak, Clarence:
My name is Clarence / and that's no lie / if you don't believe me ask my mom / she's over there with that man she makes me call dad but that's not my dad that's Gary / my real dad ran away / Oh daddy what did I do to make you not love me / is it my obesity, is it because I love the theatre / Why why did you leave me with Gary?

[trap door opens and Clarence falls]

[Zorak has teleported out of the scene]

Brak:
I didn't know Zorak could do that!

Zorak:
[Omniscient voice] There's a lot you don't know about me!

Brak:
Oh yeah, like what?

[Zorak teleports back in]

Zorak:
I'm forty years old!

[laughs evily and teleports back out]

Brak:
Well that certainly came out of left field.

Thundercleese:
Speaking of shorties, would anyone like to smoke some illegal narcotics?

Brak:
Boy, I'm as happy as a bag of wigs! You know why?

Dad:
You found your real parents?

Brak:
...What?

Mom:
Now dear, don't tease the boy.

Dad:
I thought it was funny. You just don't get it, that's all.

Zorak:
[comes into the kitchen] Hey, why are you all still alive?

[Mom and Dad exchange glances]

Zorak:
Oh, that's right, it's only Tuesday.

Dad:
Brak, remember that even though a man may have more hairs on his head than there are stars in the sky, that does not mean he can a successful party that movie stars will attend and enjoy responsibly. Don't you agree, mother?

Mom:
I wasn't listening.

Brak:
[singing] Food can be your friend/ Or food can be your foe./ But if you eat too much of it/ to heaven you will gooooooooo!

Brak:
[to Zorak] But this is for college.

Zorak:
[taking the money] Swipe!

Brak:
[sigh] Now I'll never be a barber.

Brak:
Is he really a butcher?

Zorak:
No one knows for sure... no one has ever seen him.

Brak:
Then how do you know...

Zorak:
You ask too many questions! Seriously, that's like seventy-five questions you asked since you walked in!

Brak:
You're right. The hour of questions is over! It's time to book a one-way ticket to Answertown, brother!

Dad:
Ay, Madre de Dios! It's Zorak!

Mom:
It *was* Zorak. Heh heh [kicks his head] He's dead, all right.

Dad:
I hated Zorak all my life, but now that he's dead I hate him even more because as an unregistered alien without proper driving credentials, I'll go to jail for killing this piece of crap!

Mom:
[about the murder and eating Zorak's flesh] Brak can't know about this; he'll rat us out!

Dad:
Yes, if anybody could find a problem with eating his best friend, it would be Brak; he's so anal.

Dad:
That man was an unlicensed physician! He had no right to mutilate that scout troop like that! They just wanted to hide in their cardboard boxes and drink cough syrup.

Mom:
[using Zorak's severed head as a puppet] I love you.

Dad:
Well... I love you too, bleeding head of Zorak.

Mom:
Kiss me.

Dad:
Aw... do I have to?

Mom:
KISS MY BLEEDING BEAK! KISS IT!

[Brak and Zorak go back in time]

Past Zorak:
Who are you guys?

Zorak:
We're you from the future.

Past Zorak:
What do you want?

Zorak:
For you to do your homework!

Past Zorak:
Now why the hell should I...

Zorak:
Grandma Prison!

[an old lady cackles as Past Zorak shudders]

Past Zorak:
I ain't going back there!

Zorak:
You and me both, Jack!

Brak:
Hey Zorak, guess what I'm going to be in the talent show this year?

Zorak:
A loser?

Brak:
Ehh Wrong! I'm going to be a potato and sing my amazing potato song!

Zorak:
I can't wait not to see it.

Mom:
What have you boys been up to all weekend?

Brak:
We've been playing Headkicker.

Zorak:
I've been playing. You've been getting a red-ass beatdown.

Zorak:
Here's what we do. We go back to Friday...

Brak:
[Brak interrupts] And make a kite out of squirrels and fly it to the moon.

Zorak:
No, we track ourselves down and then have our otherselves do the homework.

Brak:
Zorak, can I ask you a question?

Zorak:
Yeah, what?

Brak:
Where are we going to find enough squirrels to make a kite?

Zorak:
Are you really that stupid?

Brak:
I dare you to say that again only this time say "Brak, I love you".

Brak:
[Brak is complaining that he can't go to the Fish Buckets restaurant] Isn't there any way I could come along?

Dad:
Of course there is, my son.

Brak:
Really?

Dad:
Simply do your homework yesterday and you're all set.

Brak:
Wait a minute, how can I do that?

Dad:
You can't, I fool you again, boy!

Dad:
Life is too short to worry about eating and making kites from animals. Better to use your time for the schoolwork, only at the school, of course, and maybe you'll grow up to be someday the president of the future! Or you could be snatched up by a gigantic terrible bird and torn limb from the limb on a lonely mountain top.

[first lines]

Dad:
Darling, what is for dinner tonight?

Mom:
Oh, nothing.

Dad:
I hope that's a clever name for something.

Mom:
You know what, hon, I just didn't feel like cooking.

Dad:
Well, maybe I don't feel like going to work tomorrow.

Mom:
You don't have a job, dear.

Dad:
[quietly to himself] Thank God your papa got money.

Dad:
I fooled you again, boy! Go change your pants.

Merlin:
[to Zorak and Brak, who have just appeared near them] Who are you?

Brak:
Well, my name is Brak and this big green fella here is named...

Zorak:
I'll handle this. [sepulchral voice] We are the presidents of the future.

Marlon:
Ooh, good day to you, Mr. Presidents.

Merlin:
Why have you come to us?

Zorak:
One of your inventions has destroyed the future. People are suffering and starving!

Brak:
Zorak, what's wrong with your voice?

Zorak:
[whispers in normal voice] Shut up; they're buyin' it.

Brak:
Do you need a lozenge?

Zorak:
No, I'm good. [sepulchral voice] The streets are filled with wickedness and filth!

Brak:
The fun is gone, it's gone, it's outta here.

Zorak:
[shakes fist] It's BAD! Very BAD!

Merlin:
Asti Spumante! Which of our inventions has caused this misery?

Zorak:
It goes by the name [extra-grim voice] HOMEWORK.

Merlin:
I was just about to invent that!

Marlon:
See? I told ya that was a dumb idea, but nobody listens to Marlon; he's just an old fool with a beer hat!

Merlin:
I don't see how homework could...

Marlon:
Listen to them, Merlin. They're from the damn future.

Merlin:
What can we do to prevent all this suffering?

Zorak:
You must UNinvent [extra-grim voice] HOMEWORK. [they fade away] The presidents have spoken.

Marlon:
How 'bout that? Meetin' the presidents.

Merlin:
We must destroy all the inventions. Who knows what damage we've already done?

Brak:
[dressed as a giant beet] I'm hot for you, baby/ I'm a big ol' beet/ I'm red but not embarrassed/And I am good with meat/ Of course I make an excellent borscht/And I'm hot for you, baby!

Carmine:
[Carmine the blob has just been put into a jar and begins to talk] Finally, blech! I was *dyin'* out there.

[to Mom]

Carmine:
Hey, sweetcheeks, get me a beer, will ya?

Mom:
I have some root beer.

Carmine:
Did I say root beer?

Brak:
Hey Zorak, he sounds just like you!

Zorak:
[smooth voice] Yeah, I was just noticing that.

Brak:
And you have a beautiful man voice!

[first lines]

Brak:
Hey Zorak, guess what I'm going to be in the talent show this year?

Zorak:
A loser.

Brak:
Ehh, wrong! I'm going to be a potato and sing my amazing potato song!

Zorak:
Ugh, I can't *wait* not to hear it.

Zorak:
[singing] I wanna kick your ass until your head falls off. Then I'll kick your head and kick your ass again. Why? I don't think it's learned its lesson. Open the door, sucker. It's Zorak, here to kick your ass.