The Brittas Empire

[repeated line]

Gordon Brittas:
Eeeexcellent.

[repeated line]

Gordon Brittas:
I have a dream. A dream that one day...

Gordon Brittas:
[Brittas thinks Carole is putting on too much weight] Carole, could you come here a minute?

Laura Lancing:
[seeing Carole come from behind the desk] I think Carole is expecting a baby, Mr. Brittas.

Gordon Brittas:
I want you all to have a good dream tonight and bring it in with you tomorrow.

Helen Brittas:
Could you give this to my husband?

Laura Lancing:
Yes, of course.

Helen Brittas:
It's just to tell him it's fish cakes for supper and I'm pregnant.

Laura Lancing:
Helen, that's fantastic!

Helen Brittas:
Well, after today's events I thought the news had rather lost its novelty value.

Linda Perkin:
You're going to die anyway if you get pneumonia.

Tim Whistler:
Good. At least I'll die of something I'm not scared of.

Gordon Brittas:
Since I have been manager, I am proud to say there have only been twenty-three deaths. And not one of them was a staff member.

Gordon Brittas:
It is seven years to the day since the first member of the public walked through those doors.

Gavin Featherly:
And you threw him out, Mr. Brittas!

Gordon Brittas:
He was wearing unauthorised water wings, Gavin.

Gordon Brittas:
You can't argue with a government department.

Julie:
Why can't we use the canteen?

Gordon Brittas:
If you remember, Julie, the canteen was sealed by the police until after the inquest.

Gavin Featherly:
But if there's food in there . . .

Laura Lancing:
I spoke to one of the forensic scientist, Gavin. Believe me, you wouldn't want to touch it.

Carole Parkinson:
Why don't I get a sardine, Mr. Brittas?

Gordon Brittas:
Carole, the points system takes into the account that some people are more valuable to the group than the others.

Gordon Brittas:
Every time I walk into a room, a fight seems to break out.

Helen Brittas:
Normally I have to spend New Year's Eve with Gordon's family. It's rather nice being with people I like.

Julie:
I'd rather be somewhere decent with clean clothes and a stiff drink.

Helen Brittas:
I can't see him till ten, can I?

Laura Lancing:
Why not?

Helen Brittas:
It takes half an hour for the pills to work.

Laura Lancing:
If you remember, Mr. Brittas, you told the ambulance men to come round to the back in future. You thought it was better for morale.

Gavin Featherly:
I've just seen Larry Whittaker. He says he's going to kill Brittas.

Tim Whistler:
I've always liked Larry.

Gordon Brittas:
[speaking to the staff] Does anyone know a black person who could help us out? Come on, someone must! He's only got to stand in line for a few minutes... [looks around]

Linda Perkin:
[steps forward, enthusiastically] The Baptist Church has a gospel choir!

Gordon Brittas:
We don't want to flood the place, Linda. [points at Gavin, who is standing with Tim] Gavin, what about that chap I saw you with the other evening?

Gavin Featherly:
I'm sorry?

Gordon Brittas:
The chap in the pub on Tuesday. [Tim turns to Gavin incredulously]

Gavin Featherly:
Oh, I...

Tim Whistler:
[accusingly] You said you were at your mother's on Tuesday!

Gavin Featherly:
[to Brittas] I think you must have made a mistake!

Gordon Brittas:
No, tall, good looking black chap.

Tim Whistler:
Well, that's very nice, I must say! [storms out]

Gordon Brittas:
Don't worry, I'm dealing with it!

Gordon Brittas:
Now, Tim, if I could just have a word? [takes Tim into his office] Now, that was a bit out of character this morning, wasn't it? It may just be my imagination, but I thought you were a bit "tetchy" in the lineup.

Tim Whistler:
Oh, that. No, it's all sorted out.

Gordon Brittas:
Meant to be doing something with you, was he, young Gavin?

Tim Whistler:
... yes. Sort of.

Gordon Brittas:
And he went to the pub instead. Tim, life's too short to worry about things like that. If I had a pound for everyone who promised to meet me and never showed up, I'd be Paul Getty Jr! Timothy- it's human nature!

Tim Whistler:
Really.

Gordon Brittas:
I was unmarried once myself too, you know. Used to go to the pub with my mates, have a few drinks, a game of darts, a few more drinks, go for a takeaway, next thing you know, it's three in the morning and you wake up on the floor in some total strangers flat! [Tim gets panicked and worried look on his face]

Gordon Brittas:
But what does it matter, eh, Tim, boy? [puts his hand on Tim's shoulder as he leaves the room] It's not as if you're married to the man, is it! [sn*ggers]

[Tim closes his eyes and leaves, absolutely horrified] [Angie hands him a box of tissues and a mug of coffee]

[repeated line]

Tim Whistler:
We're going to die! We're all going to die!

Gordon Brittas:
"Semper, Omnibus, Facultas"! Don't you understand what that means?

Gordon Brittas:
Laura, how's the lorry driver?

Laura Lancing:
Yeah, I gave him your message about staying, Mr. Brittas. He said he's rather take his chances in the snow.

Colin Weatherby:
Julie, you have a brain! I can see why that young man of yours wants to marry you.

Helen Brittas:
Carole, when my last client left, was he all hunched up, jabbering to himself?

Carole Parkinson:
Yes.

Helen Brittas:
Good, good. He's getting better.

Gordon Brittas:
I'm afraid Carole is having some sort of nervous collapse. She's to have counselling sessions with Mrs. Brittas.

Julie:
Isn't that a bit like taking coals to Newcastle?

Penelope:
I hope you don't mind me saying, but you're looking slightly baggy under the eyes.

Helen Brittas:
Well, of course I am. You try being exciting and alluring with three children and a household to run.

Carole Parkinson:
Four children, Mrs. Brittas.

Helen Brittas:
Four! It's worse than I thought.

Gavin Featherly:
For God's sake, Mrs. Brittas, will you listen to someone else for a change? It's Mr. Brittas . . . he's doing things to Tim!