The Campaign

Cam Brady:
[as Cam sees Marty trying to open the door] Push it.

Mitch:
Push it.

Marty Huggins:
Push it, push it real good?

Marty Huggins:
Bring your brooms cause it's a mess.

Cam Brady:
I heard your nickname was Tickleshits in high school, I'm gonna see if it's true! [tackles Huggins and starts to tickle him]

Marty Huggins:
[starts to giggle]

Tim Wattley:
Don't you dare sh*t your pants, Marty!

Cam Brady:
My heart is pounding. Like a phone book in a dryer.

Mitch:
What's it all about?

Cam Brady:
America, Jesus, freedom.

Cam Brady:
[on answering machine] Hey Shana. It's congressman Cam Brady here. I just stepped away from a family dinner to tell you I wish I wasn't eating fried steak. I wish I was eating Shana p*ssy. Seriously, baby, you get me so hard my dick presses against my zipper and it hurts like a motherf***er. What else? Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to The Producers. And, oh, yeah, let's do something crazy weird next time like lick each other's buttholes in a Denny's bathroom. All right, I gotta go. Cam Brady in '012.

Marty Huggins:
Well, I'll tell you this. I'll make you proud. I will. I'll make you - I'll make you real proud.

Raymond Huggins:
I'd say there's mathematically zero chance of that happening. Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye. But you look like Richard Simmons just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.

Marty Huggins:
Dad, if you're still holding a grudge because I wore Crocs to Mom's funeral... like I've told you a thousand times, I'm sorry. Mom would've wanted it that way. She was casual.

Cam Brady:
You know the difference between you mum and a washing machine? The washing machine does not follow me around when I dump a load in it.

Dylan Huggins:
I put a firefly in my butthole.

Marty Huggins:
Why?

Dylan Huggins:
So I could see my farts glow.

Wolf Blitzer:
Bizarre news coming out of of the 14th district congressional race in North Carolina. Now, get this: Cam Brady, four-time congressman, punched a baby.

Chris Matthews:
This is likely to hurt him with the Christian right, social conservatives. Really any group that opposes baby-punching.

Bill Maher:
Baby is fine, and he said he punches like a three year old.

Chris Matthews:
Remember the politician that punched a baby? Well, he's at it again. He just punched Uggie, the dog from the Academy Award-winning film "The Artist".

[repeated line]

Tim Wattley:
I'm here to make you not suck.

Mitch:
[to Cam] What are you pointin' to there, you got a book of bad ideas?

Cam Brady:
Because Filipino tilt-a-whirl operators are our nation's backbone.

Glenn Motch:
[after Marty Huggins' ad where he tells the truth] I tried to kill you in your sleep.

Wade Motch:
Huh?

Cam Brady:
[after getting bit by a snake] He spilled the venom from my blood! It's a miracle!

Dylan Huggins:
I go to the mall and take pictures up women's skirts. I have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed.

Marty Huggins:
Oh god...

Clay Huggins:
One time I shoved a firefly up my butt hole.

Marty Huggins:
Why?

Clay Huggins:
To make my farts glow.

Cam Brady:
People are taking this thing entirely out of context.

Mitch:
No. You did punch that baby.

Cam Brady:
Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron like jaw of that baby? I can barely make a fist!

Cam Brady:
[Cam Brady has just left an offensive message on a family's answering machine] By being in the same room as that machine, the kids became consenting adults! And this is 2012, who still has an answering machine in this day and age? In my lifetime, I have made over 100,000 phone calls and maybe 1,000 of them are obscene! That's a very small percentage.

Mr. Mendenhall:
[everyone is confessing the truth after Marty Huggins' campaign ad] I run a meth lab out of the kids' tree house.

Mrs. Mendenhall:
I'm your twin sister.

Marty Huggins:
Wouldn't you like to hear Cam Brady recite the Lord's Prayer?

Cam Brady:
If the media would mind turning off all their recording devices and closing their eyes. [observes Mitch helping him] Our Father, Art, who is up in Heaven. Aloe Vera be thy name. The thigh... Thy kingdom... come... the magic kingdom. As it is on Earth in a helicopter. Give us this day our daily... pizza. And let us digest it. Forgive us, forgive our passes we forget sometimes. On women folk with their... to dine, like that is a nice caboose you got there. [is cut off] That's not part of it, I know that. Keep your heads bowed please. Forgive our tress passes. And lead us not into the Temptations for we are tired of their music and dancing. And deliver us from evil with your sword and mighty falcon. Forever and ever and ever. Amen.

Cam Brady:
You get my son to call you daddy. I *f**** your wife!

Cam Brady:
Cam Brady: I Crapped Gold!

Mr. Mendenhall:
Jesus would give him a Tongue-Lashing... Not like the one he requested...