The Canterville Ghost

Jennifer Canterville:
Bless you.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
What?

Jennifer Canterville:
I said "God bless you."

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Why would you do that?

Jennifer Canterville:
Because you sneezed.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Don't be foolish. Ghosts don't sneeze.

Jennifer Canterville:
You know, you've been here for over a week. You've probably caught a cold.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Impossible. Ghosts don't catch cold.

Jennifer Canterville:
Nevertheless, you've caught a cold.

Lucy Canterville:
Mr. Umney, would you please tell us how got up there?

Hummle Umney:
Well, you may as well know. It's Sir Simon. He hauled me overhead and hid the luggage. But don't you worry, ma'am. I know almost all his hiding places.

Jennifer Canterville:
Who's Sir Simon?

Hummle Umney:
Sir Simon de Canterville. The ghost.

Jennifer Canterville:
You want to die?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
It's all I live for.

Jennifer Canterville:
Did you get scared?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Don't be foolish. I was only momentarily surprised.

Jennifer Canterville:
I'm sorry. I really think you got scared.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Now you're being impertinent. I don't get scared. I do the scaring.

[Jennifer helps Sir Simon while he's sick]

Jennifer Canterville:
Anything else you need?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Yes. Open the window.

Jennifer Canterville:
Open the window? You'll die on pneumonia.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Do you really think so?

Jennifer Canterville:
You just rest. We have to think of a way to talk Dad and Lucy out of selling this place. I mean, if you have to stay here, you might as well do it in peace and quiet. Good night.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Uh, Jennifer. I should just like to say how much I appreciate all you do for me. I, I really look forward to your daily visits. Although it might not always have seemed that way. You are, to me, as my own daughter was. You've made existing as I do... bearable. Now go away.

Harry Canterville:
[Harry, Lucy & Jenny have just been told about the origins behind Sir Simon's hauntings by Mrs. Umney. As they all ascend the staircase, Jenny hesitantly moves forward, uncertainly eying the oil painting portrait at the top of the stairs of Sir Simon & Lady de Canterville] Jenny, don't you be frightened by any of this. Someone is trying to play a trick on us.

Lucy Canterville:
[approaches Jenny] Your dad's right. Now, there is NO ghost.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[booming voice] WOMAN! YOU ARE MISTAKEN!

Mrs. Umney:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [Mrs. Umney wails and presses herself against the wall]

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[the ghost of Sir Simon materializes at the top of the second level of stairs and begins descending towards the group, slowly] I am Sir Simon de Canterville! This is my property! You are trespassing! You are intruding! Be gone!

Mrs. Umney:
[Mrs. Umney peels herself away from the wall and moves behind Harry, Lucy and Jenny on the lower staircase in a frightened panic] Um, um, um, uh, uh, uh...

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[Sir Simon continues to descend towards the group, with slow measured steps] The owl beats against the window pane. The raven croaks from the ol' yule tree. When the wind goes moaning around the house like a long, lost soul, then the deeds of blood croaks... Murder... walk of lord... with shrieks. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [rattles the chains in his hands, while shrieking]

Lucy Canterville:
[the four are huddled in fear, but Lucy moves Harry's hand around her enough to announce] The sound effect of the chains is very good, but a little too loud. You can lower it, Hummel!

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[looking confused at Lucy's remark] What's that?

Lucy Canterville:
It's a great effect, I've gotta admit.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
SILENCE! [Sir Simon's voice booms, causing the group to huddle closer] YOU ALL WILL LEAVE THIS ROOM!

Lucy Canterville:
[moves out of Harry's protective arm and steps towards Sir Simon, scared, but defiant] I... don't... think so!

Sir Simon de Canterville:
I WARN YOU... WOMAN!

Lucy Canterville:
Thank you! [continues to move towards the apparition]

Jennifer Canterville:
No!

Mrs. Umney:
Wait!

Harry Canterville:
Lucy, come back!

Lucy Canterville:
[continues to approach the apparition, waving her hand behind her to let them know she is ok and intends to keep advancing. Sir Simon wails, and shakes his chains, his moans fill the room, then vanishes. Lucy comes to where Sir Simon last stood, breathes a sigh of relief, and then turns around to face the group] Well, how do you suppose they did that? [looks to Mrs. Umney] Can we please see our rooms now? We really don't appreciate these Halloween tricks, Mrs. Umney?

Mrs. Umney:
They weren't no tricks Madam. [cautiously steps out from in back of Harry and Jenny] . Oh dear me, they come as easy as pie to him. If you follow me madam, I'll show you [out of breath from fright, but begins ascending the stairs] where to go.

Harry Canterville:
Wow, wasn't that a kick, Jen? Halloween came a little early this year. [grabs his bags and begins to ascend the staircase]

Jennifer Canterville:
Yeah.

Harry Canterville:
Yeah.

Jennifer Canterville:
[Jennifer ascends the staircase, stopping where the ghost of Sir Simon stood. She finds a feather on the step. Picking it up she studies it, then looks around again] Daddeeee! [she runs up the stairs after her father]

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[Sir Simon has returned to his study on the top floor of the castle after scaring Lucy & Harry in their bedroom, and Jenny has followed him. Sir Simon is sitting at his desk, writing and talking to his stuffed parrot, Geoffrey] . Geoffrey, I shall soon make short work of these brazen, impudent upstarts!

Jennifer Canterville:
Excuse me, sir?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[Sir Simon looks up to Geoffrey, thinking the talking came from the parrot] . Geoffrey! [he hits the parrot with his feather quill, which produces a small dust cloud]

Jennifer Canterville:
M... May I speak with you? Please?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[Sir Simon, realizing someone is behind him, turns to look at the girl. He becomes enraged at the intrusion into his chambers and manifests himself as a large head, reaching out to grab Jennfier] AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Jennifer Canterville:
[Jennifer slowly backs up in fear, but never takes her eyes off the apparation]

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[still holding out a ghostly hand] Are you frightened? [Jenny nods, wide-eyed] Yes? Good. BE GONE! [his voice echoes loudly]

Jennifer Canterville:
[Jenny continues to stand there, hardly believing she is talking to a real ghost] I knew you were a real ghost, even when Lucy didn't. And I think what you're doing is very good. You see, Lucy's my stepmother. My real mom died, 4 years ago. My dad's so sweet that... I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but... I can't help it. So, if you can... you know, sort of... scare her off? I'd really appreciate it! I think you're doing a great job so far! Thank you very much.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[Sir Simon shakes his head and rematerializes into his normal form, sitting down at his desk, dumbfounded that the child is not afraid. He stares at Jenny] Why, aren't you afraid of me?

Jennifer Canterville:
I don't know.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
I've never been so grossly insulted! I've frightened thousands of people into fits of hysterics merely by grinning at them! Poor old Madame Lathruniac was confined to her bed for 6 weeks from an attack of brain fever!... when she awoke early one morning and saw me seated in the armchair by the fire... reading her diary. Her butler, shot himself, when he saw my green [flexes his fingers] fingers tapping on the pantry window! And Lady Stockfield, a great beauty, was arised always to wear a black velvet band 'round her throat, to hide the marks of my five fingers burnt upon her skin! And you do not fear me?

Jennifer Canterville:
[she smiles and shakes her head] . No.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[shakes his head and raises his finger for emphasis] One peal of my demonic laughter, is set to have turned Lord Drake's weak grain in a single night! Listen! [Sir Simon bellows ghostly, demonic laughter which reverberates through the castle]

Jennifer Canterville:
That is wonderful!

Sir Simon de Canterville:
I can't believe it! [turns around hastily and waves an arm back] Go away! Go back to wherever you came from!

Jennifer Canterville:
We can't, we sold our house in Cleveland, this is where we live now!

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[turns back] Leave me!

Jennifer Canterville:
Ok, I'm going. You have to go to b... bed?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
Of course, you can sleep. You have merely to climb into bed and blow out the candle. But I haven't slept for 300 years! [yawns] And I'm so tired! [stifles another yawn]

Jennifer Canterville:
Why can't you sleep?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[takes his hand away] Look around this chamber.

Jennifer Canterville:
[surveys the room] Well, you know, it wouldn't be so bad if you cleaned it up. All you really need are... some pictures. [wraps her arms around her and shivers, drawing her robe closed] Oohh. A heater, you definitely need a heater. TV would be nice. Let's see, what else? Bed. There's no bed.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
There hasn't been one for 300 years.

Jennifer Canterville:
No wonder you haven't slept.

Sir Simon de Canterville:
You don't understand. I long to sleep, and cannot. Not since that terrible day. If I could ever once lie down, if I could at last take my place in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above my head, and listen to silence, to finally have no yesterday, no tomorrow, to forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace my soul freed for death... if only there could be an end, to the endless.

Jennifer Canterville:
You, want to die?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
It's all I live for.

Jennifer Canterville:
[approaches to stand next to Sir Simon sitting in his chair] Maybe if you stopped haunting. You know, if you behaved?

Sir Simon de Canterville:
It's absurd to talk to me about behaving, quite absurd. I have to rattle my chains, and groan through keyholes, and walk about at night. It's my only reason for existing.

Jennifer Canterville:
Maybe if you prayed. Maybe if...

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[cuts her off] Maybe it's time you removed yourself from this apartment. You [looks down to observe Jenny's bunny slippers] and those two ridiculous creatures that you're standing in.

Jennifer Canterville:
Right. I'm going. [turns to walk away, then turns back] I just wanna say, that meeting you has been the MOST incredibly wonderful experience...

Sir Simon de Canterville:
GO!

Jennifer Canterville:
Oooohhh! [Jenny turns quickly and runs out of the chamber]

Sir Simon de Canterville:
[turns back to his desk to face Geoffrey] . We have an ally, Geoffrey. Once I frighten the stepmother away, the father will follow and then the child, and we shall soon be rid of the whole damn lot of them!