The Carol Burnett Show

Carol Bradford:
When we were first married you wanted my meatloaf five nights a week.

Roger Bradford:
When we were first married there were a lot of things I wanted five nights a week.

as Thelma "Mama" Harper:
[Vicki improvises a line that was not scripted] You ain't right in the head, Eunice. I think somebody blew your pilot light out!

as Eunice Harper:
[Carol is caught off guard and quickly turns away trying to compose herself and not fall out of character] That's a *new* one, Mama!

as Thelma "Mama" Harper:
[without missing a beat] Well, you just wait, there's more!

as Eunice Harper:
[clasping her hands over her face to hide her laughter] Oh, no!

as Thelma "Mama" Harper:
You've got splinters in the windmills of your mind!

Host, Jim Nabors:
[Singing] Took us in a trip in this million dollar chicken coop.

Jim Nabors:
I'll bet they'd like to put our names up in lights.

Host:
You could do Shakespeare, you look stunning in tights.

Jim Nabors:
Watch it.

Ed:
[playing the game sorry and Eunice is losing] Slliiiiiide!

Eunice:
Oh, will you shut up!

Housekeeper:
[After the Cunningham's have entered a scary castle] Go away. For three hundred years, no strange person has been inside this castle.

Mrs. Cunningham:
You wanna bet?

Hallaba:
[Is going to tell Mrs. Cunningham's fortune] Your hands please. Your left hand shows your past. Your right hand shows your future. [Mrs. Cunningham gives her her right hand, but Hallaba slaps it away] Give me your left hand. I want to look at your past. Ohhhh! [She covers her mouth, smiling]

Mrs. Cunningham:
What is it? What do you see?

Hallaba:
Last night. Moshimomoshivo!

Mrs. Cunningham:
[Looks embarrassed] What about the future?

Hallaba:
[Looks at her left hand] Ohhhh! You're a dead duck!

Hallaba:
You're going to be bitten by a verevolf.

Mrs. Cunningham:
A verevolf? [Screams]

Hallaba:
Yes. Bevare the volfman will bite you tonight. Oy, are you gonna get it.

Mrs. Cunningham:
Oh, no! Is a verevolf bite painful?

Hallaba:
It's about the same as the bite from a wampire.

Gwendolyn:
For you had the perfect motive for doing away with father. I know about your gambling debts!

Reginald:
Just as I know about that nasty little habit you picked up in the Orient. Eh, sister dear.

Gwendolyn:
[Gasps] No, please don't! You have no idea what hell its been. Kumkwaits have become so expensive. How could I have been so stupid, stupid, stupid?!

Caruthers:
[The butler, Caruthers, walks in] You called, ma'am?

Reginald:
No, she didn't call Caruthers. She was discussing her kumkwaits.

Reginald:
Oh. Well, I'm a leg man myself.

Reginald:
[To Gwendolyn] Now listen to me, you little fool. As far as everyone is concerned, father's death was purely...

Ms. Marble:
[Ms. Marble in the background] Murder!

Reginald:
[Nervous] Murder? Murder, you say?

Ms. Marble:
[Comes into the living room] Murder, murder, murder. Bloody, bloody murder.

Gwendolyn:
You mean to say our father was murdered?

Ms. Marble:
No, I mean to say my girdle is killing me.

Reginald:
Ms. Marble, I really must insist you stop snooping around. I simply will not tolerate a busybody.

Ms. Marble:
Busybody? Busybody, you say? My body hasn't been busy in over 40 years.

Starlet O'Hara:
Starlet O'Hara is not gonna be trifled with! As God as my witness, these Yankees aren't gonna beat me! If I have to lie, steat, cheal and murder, I won't be defeated! And when this war is over, I'll never, never, never, never, never... I'll never go hungry again! If I gotta make tuna casserole and go without my grits! This war won't get the best of me! I ain't down yet!

[Starlet proceeds to yell at Sissy and Melody, who made noise throughout her entire speech]

Starlet O'Hara:
Will you two shut up!

[Starlet has come to greet Rat in a dress made from curtains, which still includes the curtain rod]

Starlet O'Hara:
What brings you to Tara?

Rat Butler:
You, you vixen, you. Starlet, I love you. That-that-that gown is gorgeous!

Starlet O'Hara:
Thank you. I saw it in the window, and I just couldn't resist it.

Harvey Korman to Carol Burnett (hug and apology):

“I feel a perfect ass.”