The Cinema Snob

The Cinema Snob

The Cinema Snob is an American comedy webseries created, edited, written, and starring American filmmaker Brad Jones (born December 20, 1981). It started in 2007 on YouTube before copyright claims caused Jones to move the series to its own personal site, TheCinemaSnob.com, in August 2009. The series became part of Channel Awesome in January 2010. Jones is one of two creators other than Doug Walker, the other being Larry Bundy Jr., to remain on the site as of April 2018. The series follows the Cinema Snob, a caricature of pretentious film critics, as he reviews obscure exploitation films, religious films, and pornography from the late '60s through the early '90s. Since 2013, however, the Snob has started to review more recent and widely released films, such as the Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street series, Mommie Dearest, Debbie Does Dallas, The Babe Ruth Story, Xanadu, God's Not Dead, and Sex and the City. The series has obtained a large cult following, and has met with a positive reception. A movie adaptation, The Cinema Snob Movie, was made in 2012, directed by frequent Jones collaborator Ryan Mitchelle.

Director(s): Brad Jones
  The Cinema Snob Screenplay »
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Year:
2007
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Cinema Snob:
I'll stick with real [inserts genre of the movie he is reviewing here] films, like [inserts better film title here] , thank you very much.

Cinema Snob:
The hell? Did she f*** him so hard it put him in a wheelchair? Eh, worth it.

Cinema Snob:
Is it really such a problem in this futuristic society that citizens roam around having consensual sex with each other? This future's so bright I've got to wear Trojans!

Cinema Snob:
Okay, now I think you're confusing a Clockwork Orange spoof with a Caligula spoof.

Cinema Snob:
Oh yeah, Gene Kelly's second-most popular song! Let me guess, they're going to replace Beethoven with "On Top of Spaghetti"

Cinema Snob:
When you know what E.T's a**hole looks like and what the word "Conchadunga" means... yeah... it could be a LOT worse.

Cinema Snob:
If I want to see a real Aliens rip-off then I will stick with Bruno Mattei's Terminator 2, thank you very much. [beat] Wait a minute, no I won't!

Cinema Snob:
I just ate a f***ing fetus!

Cinema Snob:
Okay gentlemen, you can finish filming your Sacha Baron Cohen film later. This movie has places to go, and fast!

Cinema Snob:
This movie even comes with subtitles! Proper subtitles, rather; so I can't add in my smart-ass fake ones. Pah! [adds the subtitle "Bugger!"]

Herbert:
Dear Cinema Snob; I'm writing to express my concern about telling your audience to call their girlfriends a "Hot-pussied little whore." I tried it out on my girlfriend, to which she promptly stuck a broom up my ass, and forced me to sweep the kitchen floor.

Cinema Snob:
Oh well there's your problem; you gotta pay them before you call them a "hot-pussied little whore"!

Herbert:
P.S. Giovanni Lombardo Rivice is awesome!

Cinema Snob:
That he is, my friend. After all, he was in Gangs of New York, and that was a Martin Scorsese film.

Cinema Snob:
He looks like if Gallagher turned into one of his watermelons, and then smashed himself!

Cinema Snob:
This is MY intro. Would you mind doing me the courtesy of shutting the f*** up?

Film Brain:
Wait, if you can't stand me, why are you reviewing this with me?

Cinema Snob:
Because I like being an a**hole. Go figure.

Cinema Snob:
I'm too old for this sh*t.

Cinema Snob:
How old were you in 1991, Film Brain?

Film Brain:
A couple months to a year.

Cinema Snob:
Man, you're making me feel old.

Film Brain:
[about Gina Conchita-Alonzo] Gina seems to have disappeared after this movie. Whatever happened to her?

Cinema Snob:
Who gives a F***?

Cinema Snob:
They sneak into the presidential compound by hiding in a limo with two prostitutes. All this is making me think about is how much better a prostitute would be than this movie.

Film Brain:
Symbolism!

Cinema Snob:
What the hell was that?

Film Brain:
That's sorta... sorta my catchphrase.

Cinema Snob:
Yeah, it's a catchphrase because it's f***ing stupid. Stick with real catchphrases thank you very much.

Film Brain:
This is the most offensive thing I've ever seen.

Cinema Snob:
I've seen worse.

Film Brain:
I'm Mathew Buck, beating down bad movies everywhere.

Cinema Snob:
And I'm the Cinema Snob... snobbing... bad movies everywhere.

Film Brain:
You were there at Woodstock, weren't you?

Cinema Snob:
How f***ing old do you think I am?

[an advertisement plays with the movie "Badi"]

Cinema Snob:
Why yes, the movie does make me want to have phone sex. How did you know?

Cinema Snob:
Good thing they're flying away now, as the town looks like it's been hit with extreme radiation.

[at the end of the movie, the word "Son" appears on screen]

Cinema Snob:
I am not your f***ing son.

Cinema Snob:
Ich bin der waffle automat!

Cinema Snob:
If only there were such a thing as good dreams. There is no such thing as happy dreams, right? Everyone has nightmares like I do, don't they? Please tell me I'm normal?

Cinema Snob:
Beaver and Buttface? A Beavis and Butt-head porno spoof? What's it gonna be, 90 minutes of chuckling and cornholing with a lighter fetish?

Cinema Snob:
Look at this fake nose on Beavis. If only I could show the scene where that pointy rubber nose pokes inside someone's a**hole. Some men were made to witness miracles, I was made to witness Beaver nosing through an ass cave.

Cinema Snob:
It's also nice to know that Beaver and Buttface's favorite bands are apparently Ass and P*ssy. Can't say I've ever heard of those bands, but they can't be any worse than AC/DC and Metallica.

Cinema Snob:
Up? The word 'up' is sending your dick into a frenzy? Well that's consistent, seeing as how earlier in the movie, they had no problem with saying the word 'analingus'.

Buttface:
Yeah, that's called... an-a-lingus.

Cinema Snob:
I couldn't show the clip right there, but I think you can imagine in your head what was going on. He was Beavising her Butt-head.

Cinema Snob:
Oh good, they're inviting the Todd variant over for an orgy. Well this is bound to get dark and violent and... what? They're cutting out the porn? It's a porn that cuts out the porn!

Cinema Snob:
Well I think I've seen enough horrifying material here to replace my nightmares of extra-terrestrial poon with nightmares of being violated by a human Beavis with a plaster nose. Thanks, Rule 34-sploitation.

Cinema Snob:
It looks like a pair of escaped child molesters crashed the set of Clutch Cargo!

Cinema Snob:
I can't have that nightmare swimming around in my head like it's trying to win a gold medal in SYNCHRONIZED BRAIN-F***ING!

Cinema Snob:
Good lord, it's not that it's a bad impression, it just sounds like a voice that doesn't naturally come from a human being. It sounds like someone is impersonating a Speak & Spell while wearing a Decepticon mask.

Cinema Snob:
They look more like groupies for an all-ladies bowling league.

Cinema Snob:
And by the way, Beaver and Buttface sounds like the names that Beavis and Butt-head's neighbor, Mr. Anderson confuses them with.

Mr. Anderson:
Like these two fellas, Buffcoat and Beaver. Boy, they ain't been nothing but trouble.

Cinema Snob:
Oh, now I get it. Mr. Anderson is a fan of the Beaver and Buttface porn.

Cinema Snob:
What? Well, it's nice to know that Coach Buzz-Cut has a cameo here, but what's with the damn picture quality? Why is this f***ing movie going all Chester Novel Turner on me all of a sudden?

Cinema Snob:
The thing of it is, though, is that she's a terrible teacher. After she demonstrates what a lesbian is, the boys hit on said lesbian. I don't think they got the point. And what's this now? They're scoring with the lesbian? The teacher didn't even use a proper lesbian! She unintentionally showed the boys what a bisexual, indie 90s chick is!

Cinema Snob:
The opening starts a little bit like an episode of Beavis and Butt-head, giving us the title "Porno Rules," as if it's the name of this "episode." Luckily there were no more "episodes" of Beaver and Buttface made after this film.

Cinema Snob:
This movie goes on for 60 minutes, less than that if you take out the porno interludes. Oh, I'm not talking about the sequences of Beaver and Buttface f***ing, I'm talking about the scenes where they're sitting on their couch watching porn. Yep, just like the music videos interrupted each episode of Beavis and Butt-head, Beaver and Buttface is interrupted by them watching porno movies that have no affilitation with the rest of the movie. It may be the first time in a porno movie where the porn interrupts the porn.

Cinema Snob:
I guess this is a school that not only looks the other way when teachers sleep with students, but they also seem to have no problem with it being part of their lesson plan. She seems to have a very learn-by-showing attitude that I hope no one in this class asks her what beastiality is.

[first lines]

Cinema Snob:
I hate kids.

[First lines]

Cinema Snob:
I may not know much about today's movie but I do know that simply calling it "Bingo" makes it a notch more pleasing than a Bingo of the Geek Maggot variety.

[Chuckles, then starts murmuring to himself]

Cinema Snob:
Geek Maggot Bingo... Beach Blanket... Geek... Maggot... Bingo... Beach... Blanket... Bingo... I JUST NOW GOT THAT!

Cinema Snob:
This movie was a bomb at the box office and a flop with critics. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT WAS! Like I am ever gonna sit here and say, "This movie was a hit with both audiences and critics!"

Cinema Snob:
"Bingo" is what happens when director Matthew Robbins who directed "Batteries Not Included" and wrote "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark", "Mimic", "Crimson Peak" and "Dragonslayer" decides he wants to make a dog picture. You're gonna have a very weird movie.

[Tristar Pictures' logo with the unicorn appears]

Cinema Snob:
First off, they lied to me. They said this was about a dog, that's a horse...

[the unicorn unfurls its wings and starts flying]

Cinema Snob:
Hey, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait... horses don't do that!

Cinema Snob:
Bingo is a circus dog. You can tell because he eats face cream.

Cinema Snob:
I see they are prepping the poodles for their Tequila and Bonetti orgy.

Cinema Snob:
The star poodle has hurt her paw from falling in Buffalo Bill's well, so Bingo is gonna have to be the star of the show. Why do they have reservations about this? He knows how to fetch water!

Ginger (Suzie Plakson):
He just needs a family that loves and cares for him! A little boy to play frisbee with.

Cinema Snob:
No, I've seen that movie!

[Poster of "A Boy and His Dog" is shown]

Cinema Snob:
It'll bring about the apocalypse!

[Children jump their bikes over a stream]

Cinema Snob:
Ah, what we found impressive in the '90s.

Chickie Devlin (David French):
What are you waiting for?

Chuckie Devlin (Robert J. Steinmiller Jr.):
Your farts to evaporate!

Cinema Snob:
And what we found insulting in the '90s!

[Bingo the dog gives the boy CPR by jumping on his chest]

Cinema Snob:
Bad news, kid - all your ribs are broken!

Chuckie Devlin (Robert J. Steinmiller Jr.):
Don't you ever do that to me again!

Cinema Snob:
What, hide during hide-and-seek? You should be thrilled that he even knows the concept of hide-and-seek!

[Bingo is running behind the car]

Cinema Snob:
Bingo is too late; and they actually speed up to go faster than the dog, because otherwise he totally would have caught up with them. He's the T-1000 of dogs!

Cinema Snob:
Poor Bingo, all alone, causes a traffic jam clearly because he's drunk. Maybe this cop should look into that.

[Cut to the cop drawing a straight line on the road for Bingo to walk on]

Cinema Snob:
The f***? I was being sarcastic! This movie is made up of actually doing all of my stupid jokes!

Cinema Snob:
Are we gonna get to the sex or what? I'm holding my dick out for a reason, and it's not to take notes.

Cinema Snob:
Or, if you don't want to blow your load too soon, just think of this guy's ass. Or wear these masks in the bedroom.

Cinema Snob:
Whoa, looks like your cuts are premature ejaculating. Quick, urinate on the film.

Cinema Snob:
I lost a goat once. It was very sad, but thank God I had an ass to f***.

Cinema Snob:
Was it necessary to frame this in a way that makes the map look like a shriveled penis?

Bro # 1:
It's a popular Bros before Bros rule. One bro can't have sex till all the other bros had sex with her first. I can handle this. [Whispers to Lloyd] Don't tell anyone. I'm still a virgin, bro.

Cinema Snob:
I'm sure this movie tackles the subject of black love with plenty of dignity and- John Q. Black? What the f***? Even Trump Turner would say that name is bullshit!

Cinema Snob:
This film was commissioned by Chicago businessman Robert L. Smith, who hired H. G. Lewis to direct, to which Lewis used Smith's name as a pseudonym. As if to say, "Yes, I'll direct your sex flick, but I'm blaming this bullshit on you!"

Cinema Snob:
[In response to Black Love's first scene] I'm really nervous about a sex documentary that opens in a playground.

Cinema Snob:
Yes, it gets more weird.

Cinema Snob:
We now return to the worst After School Special ever!

Cinema Snob:
[while watching a really lame sex scene in Black Love] This, by the way, is every deleted scene from Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac. If you haven't heard my, or anyone else's review of Nymphomaniac, let me sum it up for you. [* tilts to one side and farts loudly *]

Cinema Snob:
[In response to a nude scene in Black Love] It's a little hard for me to take this seriously when I can see that he's trying not to laugh!

Cinema Snob:
[Upon seeing the film switch to a blue/ grey set] I can see they've switched their location to the inside of a glacier.

Cinema Snob:
[In response to the film's narrative] You can use all the big words you want, but it's obvious you think your audience is stupid.

Cinema Snob:
Did I just watch the original Let's Play?

Cinema Snob:
The only difference between these two movies is that in Blood Rage, I don't get to see Body By Jake acting like a f***ing nutbar!

Cinema Snob:
Hey! He just did you a favor - he stopped you from drinking a whole thing of Old Style!

Cinema Snob:
And just what I wanted to see all my life: the Trammps getting the fruit shits.

Cinema Snob:
If I want to watch a Terminator II movie, I'll watch real Terminator II movies like Terminator 2, thank you very much.

Cinema Snob:
Plot or no plot, sometimes what's funny is just funny, and sometimes what's not funny is Caddyshack II!

[First Lines]

Cinema Snob:
Throughout the years I have spotlighted some very disturbing, vile and haunting images; from E.T. getting anally plowed, to Sasquatch f***ing a group of campers, to Amazon cannibal movies slaughtering animals; but this... I don't know... this time, I think I may have gone too far.

[Commenting on the "This film has been formatted to fit your screen" message at the start of the film]

Cinema Snob:
You can't chop off the sides of the screen in Caddyshack II, that's where the jokes are hidden!

Cinema Snob:
Given that there is so much green in this movie, it could also count as my St. Patrick's Day episode. That, and it makes me wanna drink.

Cinema Snob:
Produced by Jon Peters? Well, clearly then it's not a shark, it's a giant spider!

Cinema Snob:
When did the gopher stop sounding like a dolphin and begin sounding like John Belushi in the cafeteria scene in Animal House?

Cinema Snob:
So far, this is nothing like the first movie. There's a charming young caddy and a group of snooty club members... wait a minute, this is just like the first movie!

[a girl hits a ball and it lands in water, making a splash sound effect]

Cinema Snob:
That's also the sound it made at the box office.

Cinema Snob:
Yikes, that's a sweater so white that even Bill Cosby wouldn't wear it.

Cinema Snob:
Wow. This movie is about as funny as watching golf.

Cinema Snob:
If I want a real special appearance by Chevy Chase, I'll stick with Paul Simon music videos, thank you very much.

Cinema Snob:
Kenny Loggins returned to perform the movie's theme song "Nobody's Fool" - which is what audiences said before NOT going to see this movie.

[Commenting on the name of the movie's theme song]

Cinema Snob:
They called it "Nobody's Fool" because calling it "I'm Not Alright" would be a little too obvious.

[VO as the construction workers sitting before Jack Hartounian]

Cinema Snob:
Excuse me, do you mind? We are trying to build a skyscraper here, we don't have time to listen to your standup material!

Jack Hartounian (Jackie Mason):
I should fire every one of you sonofabitches, that's what I should do!

Cinema Snob:
You're the one playing cards with them on the clock!

Cinema Snob:
You can tell he is rich because he looks like Willy Wonka was cast as the Joker!

Kate Hartounian (Jessica Lundy):
You deserve to belong to the best country club.

Jack Hartounian (Jackie Mason):
The best? This is the best? They're a bunch of snobs, that's all they are.

Cinema Snob:
Oh yeah? Then why the f*** am *I* not a member of this establishment? I am far easier to understand than Jack Hartounian!

Don Draper (Club Manager):
Are you expected?

Cinema Snob:
[VO as Jackie Mason] Actually, no, they wanted Rodney Dangerfield but they got me instead!

[Commenting on Chevy Chase's special appearance]

Cinema Snob:
Somehow, he is still easily the funniest one in the movie. Something about his real-life "not-give-a-f***" attitude works here. Largely because he is playing a character who also does not give a f***.

Cinema Snob:
I'm sorry, did the horse just LAUGH? This is a really strange shitty movie that seems to be surrounded by another shitty movie in which the animals can talk!

Cinema Snob:
Hehe, Rodney had a funny fart joke in the first movie, let's put twelve of them in our sequel within five minutes of each other!

Don Draper (Club Manager):
It's time for our little slave auction. Break out your chequebooks and think Mandingo.

Cinema Snob:
It's a little game we like to play, called "12 Minutes a Slave".

Cinema Snob:
Why does every golf swing sound like a missile launch? Did they think the audience would be so stupid that they wouldn't know that they were playing golf unless those silly sounds were added?

Cinema Snob:
Hey, it's the caddy making only his third appearance in the film. Meaning that this movie is not about caddies, or a shack, or a caddyshack, nor does it actually feature a caddyshack!

Cinema Snob:
Caddyshack II is the worst thing to happen to golf since Atari Golf!

Cinema Snob:
Trivia note: McDowell actually ad-libbed the bit with the flower, and it's kind of amazing watching the gears work in his head as it hits him to do that to this actor. I think it was right about... here. [Shows a freeze-frame of Mac Dowell grinning] Yep. That's the look of a man who has the bright idea to stick a flower in a guy's ass.

Cinema Snob:
Oh no, you can't stick an entire pole up there! Can you really make a featherwheel like that? You know, a Roman sex swing looks like a really inconvenient way to get a blowj*b! Is that... is that a f***ing snake?

Cinema Snob:
At least it's better than The Vagina Monologues. [smiles] And that's the first joke I wrote for this review!

Cinema Snob:
Oh, so now it's also got EYES? THIS IS TERRIFYING!

Cinema Snob:
So you see? The moral of the story is if you have a great title, your movie will get made. No matter how f***ing awful the finished product is. [cheerful] Well this really bodes well for my unsold screenplay, Card Shark! "When the casino gets flooded, everyone has a full house. Of sharks."

Cinema Snob:
Penny here has just discovered that not only can her vagina talk, but it's also a smartass.

Cinema Snob:
I wonder if her talking vagina has a beard. What? I'm just asking.

Cinema Snob:
Okay, is it just me or is anyone else freaked out by the fact that Virginia's voice sounds like a child? That makes this movie more awkward than if Hitler voiced Pinocchio.

Cinema Snob:
So if Penny wants to have sex, but Virginia doesn't... it's like having one Siamese twin that isn't in the mood.

Cinema Snob:
Luckily though, her psychiatrist/agent has landed her a spot on The Dating Game. I sure hope this is the episode with the serial killer. At least then this movie will get entertaining. Imagine if this was The Gong Show, it'd show her masturbating with a Popsicle.

Cinema Snob:
This may be the first movie I've seen where the movie within the movie is just as f***ing awful as the actual f***ing movie.

Cinema Snob:
Worst Little Rascals episode EVER!

Cinema Snob:
Well, I have no standards. I'll do it.

Cinema Snob:
But we have to remember that the point of the film is to abolish child marriage. You know who should abolish it instead of this movie? THE POLICE!

Cinema Snob:
I'm sure that's the world's only song that combines being in school, arithmatic with an R and f***ing Christmas?

Cinema Snob:
I like the 30-year-old student in the back, seen here swinging at John Woo movies. Sad thing is, this guy's the valedictorian.

Reverend:
If there is anyone here among you who has any reason why these two people should not be joined in together in holy wedlock, let him speak now...

Cinema Snob:
She's 12!

Cinema Snob:
The lead child character of the film is young Jennie, who has fallen asleep reading "Child Marriage is a Crime." I heard the alternate title for the book is "F***ing Duh!"

Cinema Snob:
Don't use all of that tar, that's what's gonna feed the cast and crew for the rest of the day.

Cinema Snob:
Speaking of jerking off, I don't think I've masturbated to Tree of Life yet today.

Reverend:
You may kiss the bride.

Cinema Snob:
But we strongly urge you not to.

Cinema Snob:
I've seen a woman impaled from vag to mouth on a spear, and THIS makes me feel dirty.

Cinema Snob:
I like how the age range in this class is kindergarten through graduate school.

Cinema Snob:
Time for the 9:00 AM outhouse break.

Kid:
Hey, Cecil, this one's Ma. This is Pa.

Cinema Snob:
Doesn't really matter which door you use. They both lead to the same room with the same bucket of piss and sh*t.

Cinema Snob:
Jake the pervert may have helped Jennie's mom in hiding the body, but there is just one catch, and it's a catch that'll get you ten to twenty.

Cinema Snob:
Some people give engagement rings, and other people give... dolls.

Cinema Snob:
Freddie quickly runs to tell the teacher that she's still in the movie.

Cinema Snob:
You know, normally I have to ask myself just who in the hell the intended audience was for these movies, but in this instance, I don't really wanna know the f***ing answer.

Man:
So, how's it feel to be courtin' the prettiest youngin in the community?

Cinema Snob:
It feels illegal!

[first lines]

Cinema Snob:
[exhales] Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

[last lines]

Cinema Snob:
And now, I'm off to have a good cry and a shower.

Dr. Insano:
Ugh... why do people always want to hit me? Aaaah! [Gets hit by a comic thrown by the Snob]

Cinema Snob:
I feel power that I've never felt before...

Linkara:
Ever think the characters on our shows are kinda weird?

Cinema Snob:
Yes.

Linkara:
Space Lancer Steve?

Cinema Snob:
What're you looking at me for? He was your f***ing idea.

Cinema Snob:
I know what type of place this is! IT'S A BUILDING!

[on the opening credits to "Criminally Insane"]

Cinema Snob:
It's starting to look less like blood, and more like a clown came on the film.

Dr. Gerard:
Your granddaughter's case is a very strange one, Mrs. Janowski. Severe paranoid manifestations, long days of depression, violent outbursts...

Cinema Snob:
Oooh, she's being diagnosed as a cinema snob.

Cinema Snob:
Ethel, what are you doing? You killed your grocery store supplier! Now the only person to bring you food is this guy!

[still frame of Ronald McDonald]

Cinema Snob:
And he might rape your children!

[Rosalie's pimp boyfriend slaps her at regular speed, and again in a slo-mo shot]

Cinema Snob:
Thank you for showing me that in a slow motion instant replay! I was questioning whether or not this guy was a dick!

Cinema Snob:
Wait a minute. I think I know what this movie is missing now.

[the theme from "That Girl" plays as Ethel Janowski runs through the cemetery in a long, flowing red dress]

Cinema Snob:
Heh-Heh! Swingin'.

Cinema Snob:
No, no, no, no, I am not talking about another f***ing Nick Phillips movie. There's a reason why I've gone two and a half years without reviewing any of the Crazy Fat Ethel II follow-ups, and for the life of me... it's been so long that I can't think of what that reason is. ["Shot on Shitteo" flashes on screen] F***!

Cinema Snob:
They're like a f***ing sex shop penis extension. They seem longer than they actually are.

Cinema Snob:
Urgent care, my ass. That's a f***ing house. What's that, Doctor, Miss Roberts' cancer is progressing? Well never fear, let's just send her to that house in the suburbs. What kind of f***ing hospital is this?

Cinema Snob:
Maybe it would have helped to have an actual doctor on the set, because they keep referring to every medical utensil as a scalpel.

Dr. Mortley:
Scalpel. Scalpel. Scalpel.

Cinema Snob:
And by the way, none of those are scalpels!

Cinema Snob:
I haven't seen this big of a f*** up since Sorority House Massacre II used stock footage from Slumber Party Massacre. I have an idea, when the next Friday the 13th comes out, let's just use stock footage from The Town That Dreaded Sundown.

Cinema Snob:
A cop shows up to visit his nephew, but he is turned away by Nurse Edith, so as he's walking away, he smells the bodies in the garage. Caught. Done. It's like they're thinking to themselves, "f***, should we fight back? Should we let this movie pass the 60 minute mark? Ah, f*** it. We'd be better off in prison than have to finish out this f***ing sh*t." The end! And as f***ing awful as that is, there's a f***ing sequel!

Cinema Snob:
Look, they even used the same f***ing sets. And by sets, I mean the director's f***ing house. Oh, if these walls could talk, it would be a story of complete mediocrity.

Cinema Snob:
In Death Nurse, Alden plays Edith Mortley, nurse to a crazy doctor who specializes in killing his patients for no reason whatsoever.

Cinema Snob:
What kind of f***ing hospital is this? Well apparently it's the kind that transports tuberculosis patients by simply walking them there. I'm not kidding, this character is supposed to have tuberculosis. [patients hacks wildly]

Cinema Snob:
As you can imagine, the rest of the film is absolutely riveting. [cut to a minute-long scene of Dr. Mortley eating ice cream] This movie SUCKS.

Cinema Snob:
It doesn't even stop there, it just likes to throw in stock footage wherever it damn well pleases. You couldn't find a rat, huh? You couldn't find a f***ing rat to shoot in 1987, you had to dig up footage from nineteen seventy-f***ing-five?

Cinema Snob:
The original film had amazing tuberculosis coughing, ice cream eating, hole digging, surgical video action, and you better believe that the second installment is just as riveting.

Cinema Snob:
I will give the film credit, this is the first Nick Phillips movie I've seen that doesn't reuse the opening credits footage from his 1975 film Crimincally Insane. I guess he figured out how to use the text buttons on his giant RCA brick. Or maybe it's just that he used those credits so much that the film finally wore out and dissolved.

Cinema Snob:
A social services worker named Sawyer is put in charge of the hospital. Sawyer, huh? There's a joker in that. I'll think of it later.

Nurse Edith:
It's good business, Gordon. The patients eat the rats and then the rats eat the patients.

Cinema Snob:
What? That doesn't make any f***ing sense. Even if the people eat the rats and the rats eat the people, eventually, you're still gonna run out of f***ing rats.

Cinema Snob:
Right away, we're introduced to new characters in the series. Including this homeless woman named Brownie. Wait a minute, that's the f***ing David Lynch-looking woman from the first film! He's reusing his actors? There were at the most, five people in Death Nurse. Are you seriously telling me that this director doesn't have more than 5 f***ing friends? Or maybe he does have a shitload of friends, but even they want absolutely no part in Death Nurse 2.

Cinema Snob:
There's some weird background sound going on through most of this scene. I can't tell exactly what it is, but it sounds a tad bit like someone off camera tearing up the script.

Cinema Snob:
Has Nurse Edith finally met her match?

Nurse Edith:
Give me that bag, you dirty old b*tch.

Cinema Snob:
Oh it's on.

Cinema Snob:
Only in the world of Shot on Shitteo can a part 2 round out a quadrilogy.

Cinema Snob:
What? Oh come on! Another one of the same f***ing actresses again? I don't know where you shot this, but I'm sure there's more than one old lady that you could have used.

Cinema Snob:
There's gotta be someone else in here to liven things up. Where's that f***ing doctor?

Cinema Snob:
[re: Dr. Mortley] Oh for the love of Christ, will someone put him out of his misery already? [Brownie stabs him] There, he'll thank you in the afterlife. Wait a minute, he lives? If ever I've seen an actor who just wants his character to die, it's this f***ing guy. Oh, that's why he didn't die. The weapons are f***ing plastic and they're only lightly tapping his body.

Cinema Snob:
[in southern drawl] Surprise, surprise, Nurse Rachid. [in normal voice] There you go, there's a Sawyer joke.

Cinema Snob:
Yes, yes, I know it's Halloween, and I suppose it's a little weird that I've never actually done a Halloween themed episode of this show. I mean, what am I supposed to do for it? Review a horror movie? I do it all the f***ing time.

Cinema Snob:
What's that, you ask? I can wear a costume? Touche, voice in my head.

Cinema Snob:
The thieves get stuck in... I don't know, Texarcana, the Ozarks, Toilet World, somewhere in the deep south.

Cinema Snob:
I would call him a douche, but that would just make your vag smell worse.

Cinema Snob:
Reba Sue is so doe-eyed that I'm getting starch ingestion just watching her.

Cinema Snob:
Really? You're fighting over this guy? What the f***? I can't even get zombies to fight over me.

Cinema Snob:
How hard is it to start a moonshine business? I've got paint thinner and Windex in the cupboard over there. Done. Moonshine business.

Cinema Snob:
And apparently when you hold rednecks hostage, you too turn special needs.

Cinema Snob:
[on the original title of Demented Death Farm Massacre] Honey Britches? Honey Britches? Seriously? That's the dumbest f***ing title I've ever heard in my life. That's like if you found out that the original title for Fatal Attraction was My Wittle Schmoopy-Woopy-Woopy.

Cinema Snob:
[title card: "The lord giveth and the lord taketh away"] Thanks, title card, you don't need to remind me of that. For the lord hath taken away the VCR for my Godfather, yet left me a DVD player for thine Demented Death Farm Massacre.

Cinema Snob:
If this guy were any less likeable, he'd be a genocidal dictator.

Cinema Snob:
Why "Public Domain Month"? Well, why not?

Cinema Snob:
Even the word "sleaze" wouldn't f*** this movie.

Cinema Snob:
Well, now that he's killed someone, maybe he'll be a bit nicer.

Reno:
All you know about is how to b*tch and how to eat and how to b*tch and how to sh*t and how to b*tch. You don't know nothing about painting.

Cinema Snob:
Is that Abel acting or directing? Because if that's his directing style, well, he's certainly nicer to his actors than Kubrick was.

Cinema Snob:
This movie is so grimy that taking a bath in piss and grease would make me feel more clean than watching this thing.

Cinema Snob:
For f*** sakes, the movie looks more diseased than a used needle.

Cinema Snob:
That's right, he killed you, and he drilled you to a door. Because that makes about as much sense as when he drilled that guy's hand to a brick wall.

Cinema Snob:
I know what you're thinking. This movie's not as entertaining as Italian Batman. Is was the lesbians, wasn't it? Now you're expecting every movie I review to have lesbians in it. Well, this movie has lesbians in it too.

Cinema Snob:
Well, that's our first entry in Public Domain month. Glad I started on a happy note.

Cinema Snob:
And sure, yeah, I'm going to sit here and I'm going to trash the film myself. But I can, because I've actually seen the movie. I don't base my entire opinion of the thing on a box cover.

Cinema Snob:
Also, interesting piece of trivia. I don't know if this is true, but according to Ferrara, that's Bruce Willis. The guy washing the windows: Bruce f***ing Willis. Could be true. Could be a lie. Regardless, it's a better career move than co-starring in North.

Cinema Snob:
Back to Reno, though. Just because he's a completely unlikeable character doesn't mean we can't see him f*** in the back seat of a cab.

Cinema Snob:
[while Reno and his roommate are trying to figure out where to drill a hole in a door] Oh my God. How do I f***ing break it to them that there's already a hole in the door?

Cinema Snob:
I'm so glad they asked me to play this movie loud. It's imperitive that I hear all of his bitching.

Cinema Snob:
Unknown to Reno, his girlfriend starts having serious doubts about their relationship. Can't imagine why. When she gets a letter from an old lover.

Voice over:
This Thursday is the fifth anniversary of the first day we met. [the letter includes a $100 bill]

Cinema Snob:
It was nice of Ben Franklin to write her that letter.

Cinema Snob:
Never thought I'd say this, but could someone please drill this homeless guy?

Cinema Snob:
Really? You're really gonna go over there, critic? What are the odds that the crazy, starving artist you insulted is gonna kill you versus he actually did paint another piece of artwork within six hours?

Cinema Snob:
I'm sorry, did the screen cut to red? I didn't notice, since that's the only color I was seeing throughout the entire film.

Cinema Snob:
[Reno drinks milk out of the carton] You think that's attractive? Watch this. [Reno scarfs down pizza, one piece at a time] For f*** sake, even Travis Bickle couldn't relate to this guy.

Cinema Snob:
[immediately cutting from a scene where E.T. walks toward the camera, a strange sound is heard] The hell was that? Did he bump into the camera or did the cameraman just shart?

Cinema Snob:
Merry Christmas, the Nazis win.

Santa:
I said oral. [girl attacks him]

Cinema Snob:
No, no, he was just asking if you wanted Moral Orel on DVD.

Cinema Snob:
I already question this movie by its tagline: "she is 15, he is 17. The love every parent fears." Really? That's the love every parent fears? I can think of a couple worse ones. How about: she's 15, he's 47. Or, she's 15, he's 5.

Cinema Snob:
[after watching a girl set herself on fire] Huh. Creepy. Hilarious and over-the-top, but a little creepy. I wonder what they're gonna cut to next. [Girl on fire scene cuts to a group of kids tap-dancing] What the hell? Meanwhile in A Chorus Line... This scene only exists to show us that yes, Linda Blair is more than a 10. She's a perfect 22. She's also 16, Snob. [Slaps himself in the face]

Cinema Snob:
I came here for the yuks, not the f***s.

Cinema Snob:
Just a little tip. If you hear someone calling out in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm, don't go outside. Just call someone. [Camera freezes on Snob grimacing]

Announcer:
[Music plays] This has been Cowardly Cinema Snob's Tips for Children.

Cinema Snob:
We open with a girl on her way to church before acting in this sinful movie.

Cinema Snob:
See kids, back then we had to use our payphones in giant hollowed-out cherries.

The Truck Driver (Rex Everhart):
In 1962 they was gonna open up, the water was bad.

Cinema Snob:
Bad water? Was the killer just really lazy that year and decided to sh*t in the water? Because I am pretty sure they drink out of the lake anyway!

[the truck driver drops Annie off in front of a cemetery]

Cinema Snob:
Well, you're gonna end up here anyway, so might as well drop you off at the cemetery to save you a trip and all.

Cinema Snob:
Whoo, whoo! The actress playing Marcie was in The Royal Romance of Charles and Diana with Ray Milland who was in The Last Tycoon with Theresa Russell who was in Wild Things with Kevin Bacon. Yeah! [Pumps fist in victory]

[Ned shoots arrow at target immediately after Brenda sets it up, scaring her]

Ned (Mark Nelson):
Ta-da!

Brenda (Laurie Bartram):
Are you crazy?

Cinema Snob:
Hey, he is the comic relief. Let him try to kill you so long as it is funny!

Cinema Snob:
First they are killing teenagers, now they are kidnapping the music from Psycho? For shame!

[Crazy Ralph comes out of the storeroom where he has been hiding]

Crazy Ralph (Walt Gorney):
I am the messenger of God!

Cinema Snob:
Wonder how in the hell long was he in there? If no one opened that door, was he planning on staying in there all night? Well, at least he picked the room with the food in it so he wouldn't starve to death.

Cinema Snob:
People call this place "doomed", "cursed", "Camp Blood"... you know, if it were me... I would still stay, at least I know I would get laid first.

[Jack and Marcie are making out on the bed]

Cinema Snob:
Mmm, your tongue is like an arrow piercing through my throat!

Cinema Snob:
[On the sex scene] There you go, MPAA. This one's for you. [Jason impales the couple having sex] Funny how that scene was trimmed quite heavily to avoid an X rating [reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out the Part 2 VHS tape] but a still shot of the scene appears on the back of the box. Do you hear that? It's too much for paying audience to see but perfectly okay for the back of the box that everyone can see!

Mark (Tom McBride):
What do you want to play for?

Vickie (Lauren-Marie Taylor):
[seductively] Position.

Cinema Snob:
[scoffs] Okay, there's signals and then there's "Hey, look over there! That girl with her legs spread-eagle is totally into you."

Cinema Snob:
Alice spends most of her time drawing covers for Stephen King's Firestarter.

Cinema Snob:
Boy, Crystal lake has grown since the last time we saw it. I hear their Exxon now has a Donkey Kong 3... that not many people are playing.

Paul (John Furey):
Among other things, this is bear country and contrary to what everybody hears, bears are dangerous.

Cinema Snob:
Okay... why has Jason never fought a bear? Just throwing that out there - it took Lucio Fulci *one movie* to put a shark together with a zombie.

Paul (John Furey):
I don't want to scare anyone but I am going to give it to you straight about Jason.

Cinema Snob:
He was never intended as the killer but they needed a sequel.

[Crazy Ralph is garroted while spying on the campers]

Cinema Snob:
That's what you get for not taking your own damn advice!

Mark (Tom McBride):
Motorcycle accident. Paralysed my legs.

Vickie (Lauren-Marie Taylor):
Is it permanent?

Mark (Tom McBride):
Doctor thinks so. I don't.

Cinema Snob:
But doctors tell me that the only cure is a machete to the face.

Cinema Snob:
She decides to sexi-fy this scene by putting on a much heavier sweater and poop-brown undies. Ooo-hoo, itchy.

[Ginny kicks Jason in the crotch, he goes down]

Cinema Snob:
It's funny seeing the early days when Jason actually had some feeling in between his legs.

[Commenting on the Betsy Palmer cameo via Jason's hallucination]

Cinema Snob:
If Betsy Palmer did the first one because she needed a new car, was this one done because she needed new brake-pads?

[Jason's face is revealed]

Cinema Snob:
Holy Jeez, he was John Belushi all along?

Cinema Snob:
[after trying unsuccessfully to put up a cardboard figure of Jason] He's too f***ing big!

Cinema Snob:
This movie is a whole lot of f***in' nope!

Cinema Snob:
Stop f***in' the balloons!

Cinema Snob:
"Fun in Balloon Land" is supposed to be a kids movie that makes use of leftover parade balloons, but it's more like something a pedophile films in his basement after he lures in children with candy!

Cinema Snob:
You realize it would have been cheaper just to throw a DUMMY off the cliff!

Cinema Snob:
Maybe the title even goes on from there! "The Freak From Suckweasel Mountain, And Love The Bomb Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!

Cinema Snob:
The Rawhide Kid has a bit of luck, because the monster is randomly struck by lightning! I guess because he walked longer as Mr. Hyde than he did as Dr. Jekyll!

Cinema Snob:
Are you happy, movie? Your BADNESS killed your actor!

Cinema Snob:
And that's the end of Geek Maggot Bingo! [laughs a little] What the hell? Where do I start? Where do I finish? What the F*** do I even need to say about this?

Cinema Snob:
Most of the movies I watch feature a cast so unknown that not even their blood cells recognize them. I can't imagine what kind of cast this movie has. Wait a minute, George Clooney? Charlie Sheen? Laura Dern? What, Nurse Rachid? The Valley Girl? John Rhys Davies? Charles Cyphers? Great! This is the most recognized cast I've done next to Caligula and no one has f***ing seen it!

Cinema Snob:
What the f*** was that? Was that supposed to be The Grizzly? Sounds like if a pig's turd could talk and it was dying.

Cinema Snob:
Oh, that's why they got lost: the sign is positioned to inform the cameraman of danger. The campers can't even see it.

Chief:
A man has been killed by a grizzly. Apparently, a very large one.

Cinema Snob:
Killed by a grizzly. A large one. Did you really have to specify that? [pretends to talk into intercom] Yeah, she was eaten by a shark. A hungry one.

Cinema Snob:
Meanwhile, back at the campsite, Charlie Sheen goes off to sleep while George Clooney and Laura Dern have sex. I guess she now knows what it's like to be Jon Cryer.

Cinema Snob:
And David Lynch's camera ate them.

Cinema Snob:
[after picking up and dropped a box repeatedly in the spirit of Family Guy] This isn't funny!

Cinema Snob:
This is what doing The Robot looks like if you have a power strip up your ass. They're just dying to sell me a Fanta.

Cinema Snob:
A lot of reasons were given for the movie never being finished. One of which was problems with the animatronic bear. Another reason was that the financier was jailed, and also that the crew was kicked out of Hungary, which is where the movie was being filmed. And many of their possessions were confiscated. That brings up the point, why did this movie have to be filmed in Hungary? What, no woods in the U.S.? And don't give me the excuse of permits. I know a wooded area five minutes from my house that you could film a disaster movie in and no one would notice.

Cinema Snob:
[after calling his past self on the phone] A**hole. [to camera] Paradox!

Mr. Crabtree:
Her face will launch a thousand products. Everything from T-shirts to coffee mugs. After that... TV appearances.

Cinema Snob:
[as though hypnotized] Must... buy... Grumpy... Cat... sh*t. [Snaps himself out of it and responds angrily] Have we blown the top of the meta-thermometer yet?

Cinema Snob:
How invested can I be in this if it's constantly asking me to do other things on the computer? Like if it's about a Sharknado or something? I'm losing interest, movie!

Grumpy Cat:
[In a dream sequence] Come to me, Crystal. You are powerless to resist me. Meow.

Cinema Snob:
[as though hypnotized] Must... meme... cat! [as the captions form around Lloyd] "Something, something, something... seriously?"

Cinema Snob:
I'm just saying that Lloyd's worst Christmas would be a snuff film.

Lloyd:
Meow.

Cinema Snob:
[Grunts] A very short snuff film. He's very murderous!

Mayor:
Dick tells me you shut that beach tighter than a virgin's c*nt.

Cinema Snob:
Mr. Mayor, your misogyny gets me so hard.

Cinema Snob:
Eaugh! I do not feel like f***ing something!

Cinema Snob:
Ella has decided that despite Jim saving her from the Rape Squad, she's still deciding to go with Nate... unless she could just be with the both of them.

Ella:
Do you think a woman can love two men?

Cinema Snob:
Whoa, whoa... Do we have to talk about that here? They should save that conversation for when they go to Indiana Comic-Con.

Cinema Snob:
The movie stars popular character actor Ward Bond presumably because he's the closest actor they could find whose name sounds a little like war bond.

[last lines]

Cinema Snob:
Ward Bond shot down an airplane, shaved Hitler, and called him "toots". This was a good week.

[first lines]

Cinema Snob:
Say boys, who wants to help me give Hitler a knuckle sammich?

Ed Glaser:
It was directed by... Turk Turkman.

Cinema Snob:
Warning, it's I Spit on Your Grave!

Abbie:
It began to flop and grow large, and then he touched me. It was impossible to resist. [Snob puts his hand down his pants] It just happened. I don't know how. The weather was so hot. [Snob unbuttons his shirt]

Pablo:
How old was the first one?

Abbie:
I don't know. Ten or more.

Cinema Snob:
[Snob quickly retracts his hands] Aah! Dammit, stop f***ing with me!

No. 14:
Stop crying. After all, she kept her word. She may not be such a b*tch, she'll help you.

Cinema Snob:
Oh yeah, other than she made me use my tongue as toilet paper, she's just darling.

Cinema Snob:
The kids love me.

Juana:
Lick my boots now. I mean it.

Cinema Snob:
At least she's not making her lick...

Juana:
Wipe my culo!

Cinema Snob:
[after a pause] Go on. [as Abbie wipes, it makes the sound of folding paper] That's the sound that that makes? Is she taking her vagina and making origami out of it?

Juana:
Lick my culo.

Cinema Snob:
Stop calling it that. It makes me think you're talking about a chocolate bar. Which, I dunno, may not be that far off.

Juana:
I told you to scrub my culo!

Cinema Snob:
That's prison talk for... something really unfortunate, probably.

Cinema Snob:
[In reference to Shatner's pimp outfit] I knew The 70's were 70's but I didn't realize they were that 70's.

Cinema Snob:
Unfortunately Shatner did not count on the widow's terror of a daughter named Tina. Yes, the plot claims that Shatner is the movie's villain but I contest that the true villain of Impulse is Tina. What a f***ing brat. She makes Bart Simpson look like the spawn of Ozzie and Harriet. [Puts hand in mouth] Ugh! Someone kill this girl! Kill her now! Stab her in the f***ing heart!

Tina:
It slipped.

Cinema Snob:
Look at her face. She looks like she's 40. [Tina screams and falls downstairs] Yeah, there we go. Push her down the f***ing stairs. F***ing b*tch. I hope your f***ing neck is broken.

Cinema Snob:
[Opening lines] Why is it that the more wholesome the movie is on this show the more likely it is to give you nightmares? So with that in mind, kick back, sneak a little of your grandpa's LSD and prepare yourself for In Search of the Wah-Wah Wizzle... Wobble... Something. You know what? No, no. No I am not saying the full title of this film because I'm not a f***ing idiot.

Cinema Snob:
I'm sorry. Is that music? It sounds like Salacious Crumb jerking off. I get those two confused sometimes.

DJ on Radio:
I've got a message for you. Don't look in the closet.

Cinema Snob:
Oh don't worry about that, I'm pretty sure he's still in the closet.

Cinema Snob:
Oh, sh*t. It's the Anipals. I knew there was something in this room that had a hand up its ass.

Tim Noah:
This must be where Tarzan lives. Probably has lots of animals for friends. Never has to do any homework.

Cinema Snob:
Neither do you. You're 30.

Tim's Mother:
Tim! Are you in there?

Tim Noah:
Yeah, Mom. I'm here.

Tim's Mother:
How did your lunch box get smashed?

Cinema Snob:
Hey, hey. Tim lives with his mom. [points to his face smiling] This is me being surprised by this.

Tim's Imagination:
Too bad too. We're just getting to the good part.

Cinema Snob:
It isn't just me. Even the movie knows that so far it sucked. Thank god we're now at the good part.

Tim's Imagination:
Well, I guess you won't be needing your magic powers then.

Cinema Snob:
This is the f***ing good part? [Magic robe falls from the ceiling] Here, I need you to put on this costume and escort Waldo to the land of Giants. [Tim puts on magician's costume] Great. Now he looks like that prick I always wanted to strangle in Super Mario World.

Tim Noah:
[singing while dumping stardust out of his hat] And my hat is full of stardust.

Cinema Snob:
[laughing] That's the cocaine! You feeling the effects yet, Tim? I know you are!

Tim Noah:
[singing] Sunshine morning...

Cinema Snob:
You've been f***ing around in your room all day, a**hole. It's like 6 pm out there, loser.

Cinema Snob:
And now he and us have finally ended up in children's entertainment hell.

Tim Noah:
I miss you. Think I'll go in the closet.

Cinema Snob:
Tim... no. Just... stop, honey.

Tim Noah:
[singing] When you can't reach to scratch an itch. Well that's what friends are for...

Cinema Snob:
Really? You mean I've spent years scratching away at my jock itch when I could have easily had my friends do it?

Cinema Snob:
Are we ever going to see this Wicker Bricker Weed Whacker they keep singing about?

Tim Noah:
That's what I'm talking about! The Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle Woo! It's me and you, man!

Cinema Snob:
What? So in other words, this movie should be called In Search for Nothing?

Tim Noah:
Together, we can do anything!

Cinema Snob:
No you can't! You promised us a Wow Wow Wibble Wobble Bubble and came through with nothing! You're the dirty Christmas of children's entertainers.

Cinema Snob:
[Tim comes out of the closet dressed in a marching band leader's uniform] He just got picked last in the picked last competition. He's so American he tastes like pancakes.

Tim Noah:
I love you.

Cinema Snob:
[flirty tone] Slow down. It's a little too soon, Tim. We've only just met and I already think you also have severed heads in your closet.

Tim's Imagination:
Hmmm... Let's see now. What can I do with mashed potatoes? [Door slowly closes]

Cinema Snob:
Ummm... you can eat them. Please, please. For the love of God, just eat them.

Tim Noah:
Just look at this room! It looks like it's been hit by a... tor... uh, hur... an... an... ear... a tor-hura-quake!

Cinema Snob:
Yeah and whose fault is that? Don't shoot rocket launchers in the house if you don't want to get in trouble with your 60-year-old mom.

Cinema Snob:
Tim leads a very weird life. He lives inside of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's stomach, and yet he still manages to be the whitest thing in the room.

Cinema Snob:
Kirk Cameron's Evolution of Dance was weird. The dancing's not that good, it lacks actual evolution, and it's kinda bigoted. Though not even Kirk Cameron is in this much denial.

Tim Noah:
[phone is ringing] Telephone. Wait a minute! There's no telephone in here!

Cinema Snob:
Um, there is clearly a phone in there. I can hear it ringing!

Tim Noah:
[picks up soda bottle and puts it to ear] Hello?

Cinema Snob:
That's a f***ing bottle!

Tim's Imagination:
Try... the jungle.

Cinema Snob:
Is this the jungle, or a bunch of peacocks playing a horrible game of Hide & Seek?

Cinema Snob:
Well that goes to show that just because you have a boring title, doesn't mean you won't end up with a movie that features both beastiality and golden showers.

Cinema Snob:
The movie begins with a man kicked to f***ing sh*t laying in some lime telling us how he got into this fine mess.

Cinema Snob:
At first Chris and Selia come across as a young, fun loving couple and just want to swing it up '70s style on the good old islands. Yeah, go ahead and paint those pants. It's just gonna end up looking like that later.

Cinema Snob:
Now it's time to peek in the windows of people f***ing.

Cinema Snob:
Who gets jealous in the 1970s? Seriously, the only thing monogamous in the seventies was peanut butter and jelly.

Cinema Snob:
Do I really have to sit here, look straight at the camera and tell my viewers that Chris f***s a goat? [pause] Chris f***s a goat.

Chris:
Let's give him something to drink.

Cinema Snob:
Oh Jesus, no. I've seen the goat f***ing, I really don't need to see you piss on someone. Oh, it's just paint. Still sucks to be this guy, but thank God, it's just paint. Paint containing shards of glass aparently.

Cinema Snob:
What? He's religious now? So they're religious zealots? Oh, no, no, that makes total sense. A prudish, devout religious man who kills those who are immoral... when he's not out f***ing goats! Why am I afraid that by the end of the movie he's going to turn out to be a nazi too?

Cinema Snob:
Unfortunately for the victim, the script kills him.

Cinema Snob:
I'm starting to get the feeling that Chris and Selia are a really weird couple.

Cinema Snob:
[Chris peeps on people having sex while the sound of the waves splash against beach behind him] I think he needs to change his semen diaper. Sounds like his dick is drowning.

Cinema Snob:
But it's nice to see that the cop has some screen time now... oh, what the hell? The third time we see him he's dangling from a plane? I mean, his mannequin is dangling from a plane? Well it's okay, because clearly this is our hero and... [cop falls to his death] The hell? What the f*** was that character all about then? Let's build up this cop character and then hang him from a plane.

Cinema Snob:
Ha ha, yeah, 'cause it looks like a dick.

Cinema Snob:
The hell? Is this a 3D movie all of a sudden? Why not? Every other movie is.

Cinema Snob:
Chris, the warm, comforting husband that he is, shows his sadness for his wife's rape by going out and raping a lesbian. Dude's a dick!

Stilted Singer:
Mother. I see the wonders of the day. Millions of people left. Like clay.

Cinema Snob:
Shatner?

Cinema Snob:
Wouldn't you know, yokel farmer equals rapist. And, an equal opportunity rapist too. [Farmer rapes Chris]

Cinema Snob:
Why don't you just throw in another twist, movie?

Chris:
You've got to help me. I'm your brother.

Selia:
Shh. You promised not to tell anyone.

Cinema Snob:
Oh, of course they're siblings. Why wouldn't I expect this movie to be any classier than Tromeo and Juliet?

Cinema Snob:
Island of Death was the first film from writer/director Nico Mastorakis, who claims to have been inspired to make a f***ed up movie after seeing The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Oh yeah, it's just like Chainsaw Massacre, if the hitchhiker f***ed the cows before sledgehammering them.

Cinema Snob:
This movie has goat f***ing!

Cinema Snob:
If only the stab wounds and bullet holes had given us more clues!

Cinema Snob:
Might as well cut him loose. [cut to a minute-long sequence of a knife cutting through a rope] I didn't mean for you to actually show me that in real time!

Cinema Snob:
We all certainly remember the classic Danny Elfman Batman theme! Yeah! This isn't it!

[zany music plays during the film's opening credits]

Cinema Snob:
There's only one way to know for sure that it's Mark Shannon... just look for the genital warts.

[Audio from a sex scene in the movie begins to play off-screen]

Cinema Snob:
I'm not even kidding here; Mark Shannon is the Italian porn star with the Wicked Witch of the West as his balls.

[Snob starts watching the off-screen film]

Cinema Snob:
Let's see... yep: one, two, three, four... five. Five genital warts.

[Lightning strikes, and the Snob laughs a la The Count from Sesame Street]

Cinema Snob:
AH-AH-AH-ah, that's disgusting.

Cinema Snob:
What's this? "Jaws movie"? One of the sequels, I suppose? I guess I could knock one of these, but which one do I make fun of? Jaws 3: Jaws vs. Giant Sea World Commercial, or Jaws: The Revenge: Jaws vs. Michael Caine's Futuristic, Self-Drying Shirt?

Cinema Snob:
My eyes are not deceiving me, that says Jaws 5!

Cinema Snob:
Enter in the shark expert, who is supposed to be like Matt Hooper, but looks more like a Matt Damon/Matt Stone hybrid.

Cinema Snob:
There's a Brody-esque sheriff, and I say Brody-esque because he's nothing like Brody.

Cinema Snob:
You wanna see something happen to the little girl, don't you?

Cinema Snob:
I am no longer hungry for a person today.

Cinema Snob:
Ditch the romantic music. He just raped her!

Cinema Snob:
Yeah, it's just like Kill Bill, if Kill Bill were a 1984 James Cameron film called The Terminator! And who uses the word Oodles?

Cinema Snob:
Oh, so Raphael's a voyeur now? Well that's going to cost him about ten wall flips. I can't show you what he's looking at, there's no subtitles so I don't know what she's saying, but judging by the sound of her voice... [Audio clip of woman moaning in ecstasy] Mikey, I think she likes it... in the as

Cinema Snob:
For those of you who are curious the full title for the film is Las Tortugas Mutantes Pinjas, which I think stands for [shot of naked torso] EEEEEWWW!

Cinema Snob:
Fin question mark? Well of course this isn't the end, in the sequel they learn about the "Secret of The Ooze"! Here's a hint... [stage whisper] It's jism!

Cinema Snob:
Oh, they're not really dressed like turtles. They're dressed in cheap dollar-store Ninja Turtles Halloween costumes. Somehow, this is worse. Because that's just what I want to jerk off to: grown men wearing costumes that a child would wear!

Cinema Snob:
The movie gets the balls rolling rather quick as a Foot Soldier gets molested by the Tricera-tits here for some reason.

Cinema Snob:
They don't even look like turtles; they look like Superman after being raped.

Cinema Snob:
So what kinda dick does she like, regular or menthol?

Cinema Snob:
Now that's a look that says, "yep, I'm getting kidnapped, but I'm also gonna get f***ed," and she does. Hey lady, you might wanna watch where you point that gun, I've seen where it's been. I'm not kidding, she 44'd her Dirty Harry.

Cinema Snob:
Ahh! Look! There's a drill in my head! Aren't you TOTALLY convinced that there's a drill in my head?

Cinema Snob:
By the way, if you want a character to provide exposition, don't make him sound like this...

Stinky:
[In a stilted, pitched-up voice] But Riding Hood, the witch will turn us to worms or talcum powder! Ah! But there is something we can do!

Cinema Snob:
I heard "talcum powder" somewhere in there... honestly, he's not THAT hard to understand; he's just F***ING EVIL!

Stinky:
Oh, I am dying of thirst! I'm going to take a drink. [Attempts to drink obviously poisoned water]

Red Riding Hood:
Be careful, Stinky! You'll turn into a monkey like the others!

Stinky:
[In an extremely stilted voice] Good grief! That's right! I almost forgot!

Cinema Snob:
Hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!

Cinema Snob:
Is that little sh*t giving me the finger? Well, right back at you, Baby Bob!

Cinema Snob:
And when I say they yammer about bullshit, they yammer about bullshit. However, the topic of bullshit may be a step up for them.

Cinema Snob:
All I have to say about this scene is: Tommy James, how could you?

Cinema Snob:
You know, if I wanna watch sex in the city, I'll f***ing watch Sex and the City. And I f***ing hate Sex in the City. I do not need that show crossed with Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III.

Cinema Snob:
There's a gang rape scene where the mother makes her sons have sex with one of the girls while the other two girls watch from upstairs. Sure, that sounds like it could be a little disturbing, but seeing as how the scene has the mother making the girl wear a Shirley Temple outfit and it includes dialogue like this [excerpt of one of the hillbillies yelling at an invisible dog] You might as well have named the movie Forrest Gump's The Girl Next Door.

Cinema Snob:
[about the movie] I guess it isn't the worst, but that's like asking which is worse, drowning or burning? Either way, it's gonna hurt.

Cinema Snob:
Last year when I was gone this long, I came back with a movie about zombie confederate soldiers. Thank God there's not another one of those. [show intro begins, showing footage of confederate zombie soldiers] F***!

Cinema Snob:
Why is this movie told in flashback? Now I know that this guy survives.

Cinema Snob:
These two guys are brothers and their goal in this trip is to track down a cabin left to them by their deceased father. Or to get laid.

Cinema Snob:
It's one thing to have your movie look like Manos, but to have it paced like Manos as well? You may as well have simply set out to officially remake Manos.

Cinema Snob:
[scoffs] That wasn't just one emotion, that was all of the emotions.

Cinema Snob:
Even the frames don't care about your dialog.

Cinema Snob:
Also, maybe it's just me, but I don't think the RV is moving in these interior shots. No wonder it's taking them so long to get to that cabin.

Cinema Snob:
You know why the ghosts aren't showing up? You're putting them to sleep!

Cinema Snob:
Goddammit, I can't even fall asleep! This movie is so f***ing boring that my urge to sleep has fallen asleep!

Cinema Snob:
Be warned though, this ending does lead to the amazing twist that the crew used an overhead light the entire time.

Cinema Snob:
I can't tell if the movie is censoring itself or if the cameraman just came all over the lens.

Cinema Snob:
Now she whips the hell out of him for daring to insult her acid nipples.

Cinema Snob:
Will you STOP doing that? I'd rather go jerk off to a garbage bag full of maggots and naked photos of Margaret Thatcher.

Cinema Snob:
Oh just go ahead and throw in a Rocky reference. You know you wanna.

Billy McRighteous:
The Bible says 'he who turneth the other cheek, needeth more toilet paper'. Jeremiah Chapter 2, verse 5, Rocky 4.

Cinema Snob:
I wish the Bible had the Rocky movies in it. Then at least I wouldn't be here watching this f***ing movie. I'd be at my local church listening to Monseignor T.

Cinema Snob:
God. You really CAN make a zombie movie out of any f***ing location on the planet. Seriously, you wanna make a zombie flick? All you have to do is just name the movie after whatever locale the movie takes place and then just add "of the dead" after it. Or, if you're feeling really rebellious, you can even extend it to "of the living dead".

Cinema Snob:
[his leg begins tapping to the music] Stop. Don't do it. Don't f***in' do it.

Cinema Snob:
Of course, once you take a sh*t, then stick it back up your ass, and sh*t again, it's still not gonna taste good on a cracker.

Cinema Snob:
Oh, now what the f*** is going on here? A rap?

Cinema Snob:
...you can't convince me that George Lucas didn't write this movie!

Cinema Snob:
Never thought I'd be so glad to be back in the deserts of Africa. Will something hilarious happen, please? [one of the children is struck by a cobra] HA!

Nukie:
I have an idea! If we can't walk, we can fly together!

Cinema Snob:
[dripping with hate] You don't F***ING say!

Cinema Snob:
Good thing I reviewed this movie on hump day, because I feel like I just got f***ed!

Cinema Snob:
F*** this movie and f*** its how-to guide to live alone and die alone!

Cinema Snob:
And why in God's name would you invite Clay of all people to your bachelor party?

Clay:
[after turning off the music and walks over to David] David, David. Don't do this. [Turns to Brad] Open the door.

Brad:
You kidding me?

Clay:
Open that door!

Cinema Snob:
Dude, this isn't your party! Sit down and shut the f*** up!

Clay:
How many sexual partners have you had in the last ten years?

Cinema Snob:
Oh, I had five. [Holds up hand and counts down until his middle finger is exposed] Matthew, Mark, Luke, John [flips the middle finger at the camera] and f*** off with that question!

Cinema Snob:
Christ sake, the opening credit names are being sucked up, much like their careers. If the vacuum can suck up the rest of the movie, this should be relatively painless to sit through.

Cinema Snob:
Thank you, movie, now I know that the town has street lights and birds. Birds who apparently like to crap yogurt on peoples' heads.

Cinema Snob:
Wow, underneath all that dirt he was the Micro Machine man.

Cinema Snob:
You know what? It's a f***ing vacuum cleaner. It shouldn't be this f***ing hard to escape the goddamn thing, and I've seen The Refrigerator! Granted the fridge didn't f*** the guy directly afterwards.

Therapist:
Vernon, it's not normal to carry on mature relations with a household appliance.

Cinema Snob:
It's also not normal to cut away in the middle of your scene to a vacuum cleaner shitting!

Cinema Snob:
The detective puts together a... really? A line-up? A f***ing line-up of vacuum cleaners? Here's an idea: if the vacuum is moving on its own, that's the one who did it. If it's not moving, clean the f***ing floor.

Cinema Snob:
This movie's starting to get a little stupid.

Cinema Snob:
Meanwhile on planet Apple, the aliens from earlier are enjoying a nice steam.

Cinema Snob:
[reading critic quote on DVD box] "This could potentially be one of the greatest films in cinematic history." It's not!

Cinema Snob:
But don't take my word for it. What do you have to say, Cinema Bum?

Cinema Bum:
I don't have anything to say about this movie. I'm f***ing homeless. I need a f***ing job.

Cinema Snob:
[laughs] He's so silly.

Cinema Snob:
I sat through the entire movie and I still don't want to f*** my vacuum cleaner.

Cinema Snob:
These are some of the cheesiest alien effects I've ever seen. Let's hope the shot of their ship is a tad bit better... What the f***? It's a Simon machine? What, couldn't find enough glue to attach a Super Sonic?

Cinema Snob:
[after a poor shot of a claymation alien urinating into a bottle] Wow, they literally just pissed away their budget.

Cinema Snob:
The Asylum's version of Mr. Mom isn't very good.

Cinema Snob:
So the movie doesn't get too carried away, it takes a little break so Rena can watch television, and whatever she's watching sounds funnier than the rest of the movie.

Cinema Snob:
Once they realize the vacuum they created through bum love has grown a mind of its own, a female alien is sent down to seduce Vernon, because... why not? Let's hope he doesn't give in to temptation. At least this will give him something to talk about in therapy.

Cinema Snob:
Wow, that scared him so much he turned back into a freeze frame.

Cinema Snob:
Oh yeah, and we're apparently ahead nine months in the story because Rena is about to give birth. Alright, so what the f***'s gonna pop out of there? Larvae? John Hurt's Alien... oh, a Cabbage Patch Kid wearing the skin of a mini-vac. Obviously!

Voiceover:
Maybe life has a sequel.

Cinema Snob:
True, life may have a sequel, but this movie sure as hell didn't.

Cinema Snob:
Oversexed Rugsuckers from Mars starts out with something you never want to see in a bad movie: a dedication. "For Ken Sweet, who loved to laugh." Then he would have hated this movie.

Cinema Snob:
Special Appearance by Ray Zone Day? I don't know who that is, but I like it better than an appearance by Red Zone Cuba.

Cinema Snob:
You know, it really doesn't matter to me what movie I watch today, as long as it's not Night of Horror, it's a step up. A huge f***ing step up. What's that? It's about a killer vacuum brought to life by aliens and a horny homeless man? Still a step up. Still not as bad as Night of Horror.

Cinema Snob:
Easy there, claymation, you're almost getting the beer in their mouths.

Cinema Snob:
At least it's a murder weapon that can clean up its own crime scene.

Cinema Snob:
Here's a more realistic thought: a vacuum cleaner doesn't have the ability to get a person pregnant! This is very unrealistic!

Cinema Snob:
If this movie had any less of a point, it'd be a sphere!

Edie:
What do you mean Humpty Dumpty was an egg? How can a person be an egg, Cotton? How can a person be an egg?

Cinema Snob:
Congratulations. It's the first exploitation movie for five-year-olds. This is the movie equivalent of trying to entertain me by dangling keys in front of my face.

Edie:
But is it true, Babs? If there weren't any chickens, there wouldn't be any eggs? Is that true?

Divine/Babs Johnson:
[chuckles] I suppose so, Mama. But there will always be chickens. You can be sure of that.

Edie:
But suppose someday it happens? Suppose someday there weren't any chickens. Oh, Babs What could I possibly do?

Cinema Snob:
This is not the sign of a good exploitation movie if the conversation you were having would make just as much sense if you were talking to Elmo.

Sandy Sandstone:
You're a real c*nt, you know that? A real f***ing c*nt! How can you be so shitty to people? How can you stand yourself?

Cinema Snob:
I'd wash this movie's mouth out with soap, but I'd rather give this bar of soap a more dignified death, like scrubbing my a**hole!

Crackers:
Their bedroom. Their f*** chamber itself.

Divine/Babs Johnson:
Oh, this is where they mate, Crackers. Right here on this very bed. This is where they touch their uninspired little organs together, vainly trying to charge their worn-out battery of filthiness.

Cinema Snob:
I know. They're so gross right?

[pause]

Cinema Snob:
You're gonna f*** your son, aren't you?

Cinema Snob:
Porno Holocaust is the worst f***ing movie I've ever seen in my life.

Cinema Snob:
Sh*t is sh*t no matter what country the ass is from.

Cinema Snob:
Let me just run through the first part of the movie with you. Four minutes in: talking. Ten minutes in: f***ing. Thirteen minutes: talking. Fifteen minutes: f***ing. Twenty minutes: talking. Twenty two minutes: f***ing. Twenty nine minutes: talking, and that just barely counts because seconds later they ease right into the f***ing. It takes them a whole 40 f***ing minutes to get them onto this damn island, and the tedium doesn't stop there. That's right, more talking and f***ing.

Cinema Snob:
Obviously, I can't show you what the zombie does to the woman, but let's just say... he sticks his dick in her mouth and chokes her to death.

Cinema Snob:
If I want erotic cinema, I'll stick with Bertolucci's Last Tango in Paris, thank you very much.

Cinema Snob:
Why do I have the feeling someone is now going to f*** a horse in this movie?

Cinema Snob:
Since this is the dub version, this means YOU'RE the English!

Cinema Snob:
Is that the soundtrack or some annoying kids on a f***ing plane?

Mrs. Snob:
The last time I trusted a hockey player, I got a miniature Zamboni shoved up my ass.

Mrs. Snob:
This doesn't look like John Travolta and Lily Thompson about to have sex...

Cinema Snob:
Well thank God for that, but seriously: the f***?

Mrs. Snob:
It's Valentine's Day, how did a movie called Rape Squad get a higher priority?

Cinema Snob:
Have you seen my show for the last five years? We're lucky they didn't send an actual rape squad.

Cinema Snob:
[during a scene where several men in hockey masks are in a line-up] You know, there's probably an easier way to pick Kane Hodder out of a lineup.

Cinema Snob:
Where does this movie take place? Whatever, I'm just going to assume it takes place in Buck Owen's ball sac.

Alan:
Everybody keeps picking on me 'cause I'm different.

Cinema Snob:
No, they're picking on you because you're a f***ing a**hole.

Cinema Snob:
Are you upset that your friend Weed died or are you upset that he's the one who had all the weed?

Alan:
You all suck! I hope you die!

Cinema Snob:
Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you.

Alan:
[to a group of frogs] You're my friends. You don't care if I was sick once. They like me anyway.

Cinema Snob:
No, they don't like you. In fact, they're probably praying that they were in a Ruggero Deodato film.

Cinema Snob:
That was about as tense as a bowl of shredded wheat.

Cinema Snob:
F***ing Alan isn't even pleasing to the eye. He looks like a paint can that was shook up too much by a lousy painter, who then f***ed it. Add one giant crooked tooth down the middle of his face, and we've got the words "bitter virgin" in human form. If that wasn't awkward enough, they actually make him flirt with someone.

Petey:
T.C. was picking on Alan again.

Cinema Snob:
Because Alan's an a**hole!

Cinema Snob:
Weed? His name is Weed? Well I was f***ing close. I can't wait to see the camp slut, who's probably named Whore.

Cinema Snob:
For some reason that leads to Alan's new nickname ["Blow Job"] That name doesn't even make sense. His initials aren't B.J. [pause] Oh.

Cinema Snob:
When young Gacy asks you to his secret hiding place, you say no. There are plenty of nice people out there with crawlspaces.

Cinema Snob:
Okay, now I want these f***ing guys to die too. One, they skinned frogs. And two, they actually made me feel sorry for Alan. Why the f*** would you do that to your audience?

Cinema Snob:
I hope your herpes get herpes.

Frank:
[to Alan] When I'm through with you, they're gonna throw your ass outta this camp so fast, you won't even know what hit you.

Cinema Snob:
You know, that's an interesting point. Why doesn't he f***ing get sent home? In reality, this f***ing prick would have been sent home after the first week of summer.

Frank:
Listen, I've been in this business a long time, and believe me, I've seen much worse tantrums than that.

Cinema Snob:
Yeah, but the difference being we didn't have to see a movie about that.

Cinema Snob:
Well, it's Precinct 13 if the Cholo just decided to call the grieving father a 'blow job', and if it all ended in a tantrum and not a shoot out.

Cinema Snob:
I feel bad that these campers now have to resort to porn. Back in the '80s, campers were banging all over the place. But some things never change, people are still trying to kill them.

Cinema Snob:
It's like getting mad at the series finale of a show I didn't even like. Sure, it's over, but why did David the Gnome have to turn into a f***ing tree? That's f***ing depressing.

Cinema Snob:
"Isaac Hayes as the Chef"? Ooh, sweet reference that has nothing to do with Sleepaway Camp!

Cinema Snob:
Now it's time to tie up one of the other counselors and Giovanni Lombardo Radice the hell out of his dick.

Cinema Snob:
Alan is the camp delinquint and it goes back and forth from him being a bully to him being the one who is bullied without any f***ing consistency whatsoever.So all we are left with is an unlikeable lead character who we do not feel sorry for when he is bullied. And when I say unlikeable, that is the biggest understatement I have ever uttered on this entire show. Alan is arguably the worst lead character in any horror film ever made. I am not kidding when I say Alan is the most unlikeable lead since Triumph of the Will.

Cinema Snob:
It isn't until I see Ronnie's shirt here that I realize that the name of the camp is "Camp Man-Abe." Okay.

Cinema Snob:
Weed and his lackey here wrap cow sh*t up in a joint and then talk Alan into smoking it. [Alan has a bad reaction] I'm having a hard time believing that there's cow sh*t in there.

Petey:
These hooligans were making fun of Alan again.

Cinema Snob:
Who are you and why do you care?

Ronnie:
I got a bad feeling about this, Frank.

Cinema Snob:
Yeah, I thought the same thing the first time Alan opened his big, f***ing mouth.

Female Lifeguard:
[to Alan] I need you off my dock without a bathing suit.

Cinema Snob:
[scoffs] The chicks don't have on bathing suits on either. I can't believe no one has given him a wedgie yet. [the guys give Alan an atomic wedgie] Well that solves that. [Alan's undies rip and he falls in the water] Plus, I think this is the first bath he's been given in years.

Mike:
[about pulling a prank on Alan] Just a little joke. Besides, he likes it when we make fun of him.

Cinema Snob:
No, *I* like it when you make fun of him.

Randy:
[as the killer lowers a tiny noose toward his crotch] What, are we hanging mice tonight?

Cinema Snob:
You're about to get your dick cut off. Would you mind taking this more seriously?

Angela:
What's happening here?

Cinema Snob:
I'll tell you what's happening: you keep killing people!

Cinema Snob:
I really don't like this movie.

Cinema Snob:
A penile death scene so severe I didn't have to censor anything.

Ricky:
[screaming] Angelaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Cinema Snob:
[chuckles] Thank you for that, Ricky.

Cinema Snob:
Now this girl has to die too, because why the f*** not?

Cinema Snob:
Oh Toxie, must your avenging be so graphic?

Cinema Snob:
This was apparently Isaac Hayes' last released film before his death, which seems really sad, as he's mostly just standing there saying nothing and looking depressed. He certainly paid more attention to the reactive mind when accepting this role.

Cinema Snob:
They had to put a black screen there because it was just too amazing for us to see, or they blew their entire budget on Isaac Hayes, shitty credits and shitty CGI.

Ronnie:
[whispering] Angela!

Cinema Snob:
[mimicking him] Acting!

Ronnie:
What's goin' on here? What happened to him?

Petey:
What do you think happened? When are you gonna do something about this?

Cinema Snob:
Okay, none of this works! In the original film, Angela was bullied, she was picked on, yes, and there was even a scene like this when she was thrown into the water. But Angela was *likable*. Angela had a sweet sort of innocence to her which made it more shocking when something dark would happen with her character. Alan... is *none* of those things. Alan is a bully who just happens to also be getting bullied. When the people in the story feel sorry for him, it makes no goddamn sense!

Cinema Snob:
The opening credits weren't lying. There's Isaac Hayes as Chef. Makes sense, Alan is about as likeable as later seasons' Eric Cartman.

Cinema Snob:
Ooh, rat death.

Cinema Snob:
[speaks over a clip of himself from 2007] Maybe this'll work... except my lips aren't matching my words, and the quality is a little bad. Next.

Cinema Snob:
[sitting on the floor in a large room] I am not doing a floor season again. Sorry. Also, I kinda sound like God in this room.

Cinema Snob:
Is it bad that I love seeing horrible things happen to this guy?

Cinema Snob:
Seriously, who would want to spend five minutes alone with this f***ing turd? Unless you're luring him into the woods just to shoot paint balls at him. Oh, how I wish this were Child's Play 3 and those bullets were real.

Cinema Snob:
F***, why was I talking? Now Vincent is all tied up for some reason.

Cinema Snob:
On today's Cinema Snob, the topic is...

Jerrid:
[in bed] Dude, do you mind? It's three in the afternoon.

Cinema Snob:
Exactly! It's three in the afternoon!

Alan:
Let me go, you big p*ssy!

Frank:
You don't tell me what to do!

Cinema Snob:
Oh, I get it, because he played Big P*ssy on The Sopranos. It would've been much funnier if he'd called him a Scarboni. What? That was his character's name from the Jerky Boys movie. Much more obscure reference, which means I approve. Still doesn't make any f***ing sense for it to be there, but I approve.

Cinema Snob:
And Lenny Venito joins Vincent Pastore among actors who are way too good to be appearing in this movie.

Cinema Snob:
Still, maybe it's worth it to see Venito throw eggs at this piece of sh*t.

Bella:
And if he don't leave soon, I'm gonna shove this mallet up his ass, and it ain't gonna be pretty, girls.

Cinema Snob:
Thank you! Shove a f***ing cactus up his ass.

Cinema Snob:
The only thing notable here is that we get to see a clip from the short-lived revival of Berertta.

Parrot:
*Squawk* Your ass stinks.

Frank:
What'd you say?

Cinema Snob:
Yeah, it didn't go over too well.

Cinema Snob:
Obviously, they want us to think Alan is the killer, but we already know Angela is in the film. Look, there she f***ing is, so we know she's the killer, which renders scenes like this pointless.

Cinema Snob:
Even though two people have died in this film, I still feel like nothing has happened, except that Ronnie is slowly becoming Jean Claude Van Damme.

Cinema Snob:
Well they missed the perfect opportunity to have her to bleed Skittles.

Cinema Snob:
Good lord, he turned him into carnival food!

Cinema Snob:
[imitating Morgan Freeman] I wish I could tell you that Zorro fought the good fight and that Ricky let him be. I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no Miyazaki fairy tale world.

Cinema Snob:
No, honey, listen - we need to have sex RIGHT NOW. I'm feeling very confused.

Cinema Snob:
He was a dissolve cut all along! [camera pans down]... and he pooped.

Cinema Snob:
Fine, fine, I'll have sex with you twenty-year-old schoolgirls.

Cinema Snob:
This movie can't even afford water.

Cinema Snob:
As you can see, I've invented Alka Seltzer. I just need to hire someone for a jingle, right now I'm stuck on plop plop, fizz, fizz, more of a relief than jizz.

Cinema Snob:
You are sued. So f***ing sued!

Cinema Snob:
Joan Crawford's tampon doesn't overact this much.

Cinema Snob:
Oh f*** me, he's a diddler.

Meg:
By the way, for those of you who don't know. My name is Meg. M-E-G.

Cinema Snob:
C-U-N-T, got it.

Cinema Snob:
This character is so dead that her character should be classified as suicidal by this point.

Cinema Snob:
That's a dick!

Cinema Snob:
Bastard! They destroyed the world's supply of Stock Footage!

Cinema Snob:
Enderium... the mineral is called Enderium... That make you happy, James Cameron? You ripped off Star Odyssey!

Cinema Snob:
After endearing the Unobtainium... I mean, obtaining the Enderium...

Cinema Snob:
[Being interrupted by the final shootout of The Hooker With a Heart Of Gold] I'm sure that will work itself out.

Cinema Snob:
The man from the fridge might have claimed that he is the Waffle Maker, but this guy, really IS the Waffle Maker!

Cinema Snob:
I strongly believe that George Lucas wrote this.

Cinema Snob:
Ha ha ha, they're suicidal, and one's a racist. Thank God there's a couple of characters in here just for the kids.

Cinema Snob:
You wanna know the true pisser about this f***ing movie? The thing clocks in at roughly an hour and fifteen minutes long, which in Italian rip-off terms might as well be three hours, especially in a movie where I have no idea what the f***ing thing is supposed to be about!

Cinema Snob:
Is that what I was supposed to be worrying about; whether the lead characters from Heartbeeps were gonna get f***ing genitals?

Cinema Snob:
Yeah, there's how you set up a sequel: cut the guy off in mid-sentence. It's one thing for no one to claim copyright on a movie, but Star Odyssey is so f***ing bad I'm surprised even the Public Domain claims it!

Cinema Snob:
[On the freeze-frames] Some of these freeze-frames are just awkward. Oh, no, he's been shot! [Cuts to a freeze-frame of a woman lifting her leg] Ooof, what do I do about this rash? [Cuts to a freeze-frame of a man jumping] Aah! Aah! A mouse! [Cuts to a freeze-frame of Tony] Either he's been shot again or he's the poster for Platoon!

Cinema Snob:
Staying Alive also features more songs by the Bee Gees. They're the ones you don't own on 8-track. [Holds up 8-track tape of the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack; laughs] That's right, I own the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack on 8-track! [laughs] You have my permission to think I'm cool now.

Cinema Snob:
[On the scene where Tony bumps into Sylvester Stallone on the street] Oh, my god! I just met Alfred Hitchcock!

Joy:
Hi, I'm Joy.

Tony Manero:
I'm Happiness. [laughs]

Cinema Snob:
[Angrily] YOU, OUT!

Cinema Snob:
Tony has a scene with his mother in the only scene that really does feel like a sequel to Saturday Night Fever in which Tony tries to make amends for all the assholey things he's done in the past. Granted it's weird that Laura dumping him gave him this realization and not Annette being raped or Bobby committing suicide! The scene is even kinda funny when his mom tells him it's okay to be a bastard 'cause that's what got him out of the house! Just like I shouldn't apologize for being an a**hole. It's what made me popular on the Internet.

Cinema Snob:
[humps air to the sound of coins] This! Is How! You Make! A F***ing! Porn! Parody!

Cinema Snob:
In case you missed it, Chester's initials are C.N.T. He's missing a f***in' vowel.

Cinema Snob:
[referring to filmmaker Ted V. Mikels] Ted has continued to work, even to this day, putting out fetish films, like "Apartheid Slave-Women's Justice", which is just ninety minutes of Ted getting trampled on by stilettos! Oh, but it's OK, because according to IMDb, if you liked "Apartheid Slave-Women's Justice", then you'll love "Gone with the Wind"!

Cinema Snob:
Wait, I'm sorry, is this movie supposed to be the f***ing origin story of The Powerpuff Girls? I forgot that Professor Utonium used sugar, spice, everything nice and f***ing severed body parts!

Cinema Snob:
[the scene cuts to a cemetery] Oh, the movie passed away.

Cinema Snob:
Hmm, another f***ing Hitler movie? I don't wanna talk about Hitler. Dude's an a**hole.

Cinema Snob:
A movie that contains the legendary action heroes of our youth, along with the best action heroes of current cinema. And Steve Austin.

Cinema Snob:
This is The Expendables, not Full Metal Jacket! There will be no sucky-sucky in this movie.

Cinema Snob:
Holy crap, they blew the moonlight right out of that scene!

Cinema Snob:
It's like listening to Skippy from Family Ties on his period.

Cinema Snob:
Honestly, I think they should be called The Trilogy of Doing F***ed Up Sh*t to Catherine MacColl.

Cinema Snob:
If the house is a person, then the basement is an ass with the runs. You don't wanna go down there.

Cinema Snob:
Oh, piss off, Bob!

Cinema Snob:
Dammit, Fulci, kill the kid!

Cinema Snob:
But I need to know why the monster was crying. Did he stub his toe? Does his diaper need changing? These are the kinds of answers that the movie doesn't provide, people.

Cinema Snob:
[Opening lines] Woo-hoo. Looks like Disney had a more disappointing weekend than a fireworks enthusiast who blew off only three of his fingers instead of four. [Shows clips from the 2013 Lone Ranger movie] With an estimated budget of around 250 million dollars, 2013's The Lone Ranger came in far behind the weekend's number one film Despicable Me 2 whose five-day total came to 142 million at the box office while The Lone Ranger trailed far behind with only 48 million. [Snickers] Ouch. It looks like we got that John Carter sequel after all.

Cinema Snob:
Although I believe I am forgetting about the main reason why this film works better than the newer one and that is that at least this film is 93 minutes and not TWO AND A HALF GODDAMN HOURS! [Grunts and gets up from his chair]

Merle Haggard:
[William Tell Overture plays as the end credits start rolling] He learned the wisdom of the forest. He learned the ways of the wind.

Cinema Snob:
[Peeking around the corner] Um, the movie and the review are both over! Stop talking!

Williams:
Don't be a dumb b*tch, you know what I mean.

Cinema Snob:
Jesus Christ, dude, you're the hero of this movie. The least you could do is be respectful toward the prostitute you're cheating on your wife with.

Cinema Snob:
Maybe it would be more helpful if you said he had the biggest moose knuckle you've ever seen.

[first lines]

Cinema Snob:
Well, I'm just gonna say right off the bat... that I don't think this movie was made for me.

Goobie:
Welcome to our movie.

Cinema Snob:
I'm not here by choice!

Rosalie Rosebud:
My jet won't be able to take off with a balloon wrapped around its tail.

Cinema Snob:
Yes, it can.

Cinema Snob:
The Oogieloves are made up of Goobie, who likes scientific things.

Goobie:
And pickles.

Cinema Snob:
Pickles, huh? Well given that you look like one, I'm guessing you're a cannibal.

Cinema Snob:
It's their pillow Schloofy's birthday - that's a sentence I just said - and he seems to be suffering from some form of sleep paralysis. [Schloofy coughs up feathers] What the f***? Did he just puke out his own intestines? That's horrifying!

Toofie:
Schloofy's birthday surprise party!

Goobie, Zoozie:
Shh!

Cinema Snob:
Spoilers, much?

Cinema Snob:
Their Hoover vacuum is returning with the party balloons, and his name is, no joke, J. Edgar. Get it? Hoover? J. Edgar? Kids LOVE old FBI references.

Windy Window:
All you have to do is ask: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, Windy Window, what do you see?

Cinema Snob:
Asking that implies that I give a sh*t about the answer.

Cinema Snob:
They just got all the balloons. I think their adventure is over... unless, something terrible happens. [imitating Oogielives] n'yoh, no, deese are da wrong balloons. [as himself] AH, GOD DAMN IT!

Cinema Snob:
In any other movie, I'd expect them all to start f***ing by now.

Cinema Snob:
Goofy Toofie, buy a f***ing belt!

Milky Marvin:
My megaphone, please.

Waitress:
I think you mean your moo-gaphone.

Cinema Snob:
No, I mean the megaphone. That's just stupid what you said.

Toofie:
J. Edgar never lets us have such big milkshakes.

Cinema Snob:
Well now they're just stealing lines from Boardwalk Empire.

Zoozie:
She said Bobbly Wobbly went out for a wobble.

Cinema Snob:
A wobble is when you see how many weeble-wobbles you can shove up your ass before you feel like you have to sit down.

Cinema Snob:
[after a scene in which Ron Jeremy's character stares at a girl's butt for several minutes] The hell was that? The fate of the world is in your penis. There will be time to look at straight ass later. In fact, part of your mission is getting laid. You will have sex very soon.

Cinema Snob:
[getting a pop-up ad on a porn site] Oh my God, Anna is 3.4 miles away and has sent me a f*** request? Well, I guess I'm gonna have to f*** her. The only option is to click "yes."

Cinema Snob:
Can you blame the fridge? I'd go nuts too if I had to witness that grotesque display of leap-frog.

Cinema Snob:
And there you have the first onscreen appearance by the My Buddy doll.

Cinema Snob:
Brought to you by General Motors, because after this, you'll want to get hit by a car.

Cinema Snob:
You didn't trust him cause he farted?

Cinema Snob:
Magic Clip Machine, show me something that you always conveniently have queued up whenever I look over to randomly cut to a clip.

[Cuts to a clip from the trailer of 'Top Dog']

Cinema Snob:
Chuck Norris is like the biscuits and gravy of action heroes; it's not good for you but sometimes you need it.

Cinema Snob:
What the f***? We are five seconds into this and already a hate crime has been committed? And it isn't simply showing this movie to an audience?

Cinema Snob:
I thought this movie was 'The Odd Couple' with a dog. What's this domestic terrorism sh*t?

Cinema Snob:
We get to see Reno in action at K-9 headquarters, where they teach dogs respect by putting the decapitated head of bad dogs on a stump.

Cinema Snob:
Give the man a break, he's got a career of internet memes ahead of him!

Cinema Snob:
Is this a cop-dog comedy or 'Mississippi Burning'?

Jake Wilder (Chuck Norris):
Mom, is something bothering you?

Cinema Snob:
Of course something is bothering me - in this movie, you are not even convincing at holding a banana!

Cinema Snob:
I like how in their task force meeting there is a list of all hate groups on the chalkboard and the Neo-Nazis are so bad they get two exclamation points. The KKK doesn't even get one!

Jake Wilder (Chuck Norris):
Reno! Marijuana, cocaine, heroin - go find it!

Cinema Snob:
Yeah, get Chuck some drugs - we'll get a performance out of him yet!

Cinema Snob:
Don't shoot the dog. Did you learn nothing from 'Turner & Hooch'? You wait till the end to kill the dog!

Jake Wilder (Chuck Norris):
I know how you feel. I lost my father the same way you lost your grandfather.

Cinema Snob:
Your father also died on a boat carrying C-4 to be used by domestic terrorists in a bomb attack? The f*** are the odds of that?

[Clip of Chuck Norris digging in the garden]

Cinema Snob:
He is trying to bury himself from being in the rest of the movie.

Jake Wilder (Chuck Norris):
Captain, pick up every known racist scumbag in the area. Maybe someone will know something.

Cinema Snob:
Yes, and after four months of interviewing all of them, perhaps you'll find a clue.

Cinema Snob:
This movie is giving people with shaved heads a bad name.

[Clip of two cops getting shot]

Cinema Snob:
See, here's the problem. If only they were good at KICKING people, then they would still be alive.

[Clip of Chuck Norris fighting several bad guys by kicking them]

Cinema Snob:
Look, Chuck Norris's stunt double is incredibly good at kicking people and he survived the whole movie!

Cinema Snob:
Truly, this is the site of racial unity: The Pope, a Rabi and a Mariachi band! What else could you ask for?

Cinema Snob:
This plan seems foolproof - no one will suspect the guy with the longest hair being a skinhead.

Cinema Snob:
Chuck is definitely the badass in this climax - he sends someone else to go chase the bad guy, while he pulls at a car door.

Cinema Snob:
I'll stick with real woodchipper movies - like "Fargo", thank you very much.

Cinema Snob:
You can't say Special Forces with that kind of dubbing, because then I'm gonna expect Pierre Kirby and General Carpom to show up! And when they don't, I'm going to be pretty f***ing disappointed!

Cinema Snob:
Hmm. Nice to see what Handsome Tom and 8-Bit Mickey were up to during the early nineties.

Cinema Snob:
When you take a look at this doctor, wouldn't you think "voice like a Southern black man"?

Cinema Snob:
Were these dub actors on loan from the Godfrey Howe studios? This doctor is like listening to Chris Rock dub Brent Hume! And the other guy sounds like f***ing Clint Howard!

Cinema Snob:
Great. Now the movie serves as a possible warm-up to Uwe Boll's Blubberella!

Cinema Snob:
And thank God for this dream sequence, because we finally get to see a "Violent Sh*t," even though this isn't a f***ing Violent Sh*t movie!

Cinema Snob:
Nice job dubbers for making this guy sound like a child molester!

Dad from Power Pack:
Jack caught him getting small again.

The Cinema Snob:
So, you call your penis Jack? That's what the magic blue pill is for, it contains the key to another superpower.

[First use of Alan Silvestri's Beetlejuice soundtrack in the Power Pack TV Pilot]

The Cinema Snob:
Ah, the fifth member of the power pack siblings Beetlejuice.

[Second use of Alan Silvestri's Beetlejuice soundtrack]

Kid:
What do you thinks in there?

The Cinema Snob:
I'll tell ya what's in there, not the music for Power Pack.

The Cinema Snob:
Lot's of interesting stuff in here.

[Third use of Alan Silvestri's Beetlejuice soundtrack]

The Cinema Snob:
Like Edward Scissorhards for instance, it sounds like he's in there somewhere.

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