The Comebacks

Michelle Fields:
I want to have what you and mom have.

Lambeau "Coach" Fields:
Herpes?

Titans Coach:
Crack is whack and white don't cover black!

Michelle Fields:
I was out catching some waves.

Lance Truman:
In the middle of Texas?

Michelle Fields:
I told you I'm hardcore.

Vince:
Hey coach. Name is Vince. I'm just a bartender from Philly whose only dream is to play ball. It's all I got left after I lost my job teaching, and my wife left me. Like my alcoholic father used to say before he passed on, "A man can only take so much failure!" I'll give you everything I got. What do you say coach?

Lambeau "Coach" Fields:
I say you can add "Did not make the football team" to your list of woes.

Lambeau "Coach" Fields:
Yeah, this is great. Middle of Podunk, nowhere. How am I gonna find an All-American quarterback?

God:
If you build it, he will come. If you build it, he will come...

Lambeau "Coach" Fields:
Who will come?

God:
Your father. Your dead father.

Lambeau "Coach" Fields:
My father's not dead. I just spoke with him this morning.

God:
You got to be shittin' me. Is this 314 Bentley road?

Lambeau "Coach" Fields:
No this is 314 Bentley drive.

God:
That damn Google Maps. Anyway, the quarterback you're looking for is on the baseball field.

Trotter:
[Buddy Boy is blocking Trottter's locker] Out of my way, fat ass. You finally decide to block something and it's my locker?

Buddy Boy:
I was just gonna drop off an invitation to my birthday party. FYI, there's going to be a petting zoo. [whimpers]

Lance Truman:
Nice. Score one for Trotter, which is one more than he had yesterday. [throws ball at Trotter, who catches it as team oooohhhs]

Trotter:
Look, man, why don't you pretend this thing is a football, and just drop it? [team ooohhhs louder]

Lance Truman:
Why don't you act like a barbell and get benched? [team cheers]

Trotter:
Why don't you pretend this whole thing is a basket full of groceries and get sacked? [team yells]

Buddy Boy:
Hey, hey! Why don't you act like my parents, go upstairs and have some makeup sex? [team look at each other, confused] [big fight occurs] [coach walks in]

Lambeau "Coach" Fields:
Hey! Knock it off! Knock it off! [Randy winces in pain as Coach repeatedly slams his head into a locker and then kicks him in the ribs] Now, you listen to me. This is a team. And the only way we're going to win is when you start acting like one. And you can sure as hell bet that no one is leaving this locker room until you understand what being a team is all about. [walks out slamming door]

Chip Imitation:
Heh heh, it started out where she was wearin' a lot of clothes. Then she wasn't wearin' a lot of clothes, then BOOM! I got a chubby!