The Cosby Show

Theo:
You two are the most obnoxious people that I ever met.

Rudy:
Thank you, your grumpiness.

[after the saxophone opening theme ends]

Cliff:
This is the best elevator music I've ever heard!

Vanessa Huxtable:
Rudy, what are you gonna do in life with a fourth grade education ?

Rudy:
Teach third grade !

Clair Huxtable:
Cliff, why did we have four children?

Cliff:
Because we did not want five.

Cliff:
Your grandson got his ear pierced.

Russell Huxtable:
On purpose?

Cliff:
[watching all the news reports about nuclear bombs on TV] Rudy, hurry up and become president because we need you now!

Clair Huxtable:
Please!

Cliff:
Clair, we don't even know if the joint is Theo's and you already got the boy going to Turkey.

Theo:
[trying to get Rudy to eat her Brussel sprouts] Okay, pretend you're King Kong and those are the Three Stooges.

Rudy:
No!

Cliff:
[to Rudy] No, no, don't take my bubble thing.

Cliff:
If you call a female surgeon 'old', she will tear you apart.

[repeated line]

Cliff:
Look at me when you lie.

Cliff:
[to Vanessa's 12 year old friend] When Mrs. Huxtable comes home, you bring the car around.

Cliff:
No 14 year old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he is on stage with his four brothers.

Clair:
Theo, wear a jacket.

Theo:
And cover my Itchy Amorada?

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
[Theo's complaining about the shirt fitting horribly] Well maybe if you tuck it in a little...

Theo:
[through gritted teeth] It's tucked into my socks!

Cliff:
No 14-year-old boy should have a ninety-five dollar shirt, unless he is on stage with his four brothers!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[miming to a record in front of Cliff] Can-dy. That's what I call my sugar, Cand-dy. Ooo, how sweet is Candy. And Candy sure is sweet on me. She understands me. Yes, my understanding Candy. And she's mine

[record skips]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Oh, all mine.

Kenny:
[touches the door bell] Dang! Your father still working on the door bell, huh?

Theo:
Yes, I guess he is. Come in, Kenny.

Kenny:
[gives him a present] Happy graduation.

Theo:
What is it?

Kenny:
Open it.

Theo:
[sits down on the sofa and opens it] Kenny, these are tube socks. They come in six pairs.

Kenny:
Actually, five.

[shows his sox]

Kenny:
I'll go get some tape to fix that door bell. We don't want our guests getting possessed. Walks out the door and closes it behind him.

Theo:
Okay.

Theo:
Dad, you invited Kenny? I told you there are no more tickets.

Cliff:
Aw, come on, Theo. Kenny is like a mother or sister... he's like the brother you never had.

Theo:
There's too much people and there's not enough tickets.

Cliff:
If there's not enough, then uninvite him.

Theo:
But the boy gave me tube socks.

Cliff:
Well, then give him a ticket.

Vanessa Huxtable:
I was just hurrying her along.

Cliff:
That's fine, she's only five years old right now but she IS going to grow up and she may get into body building. And then track you down and say 'remember all the times you pushed me around?' and clean your clock.

Cliff:
[looks at something Vanessa's cooking] Smells good, looks almost done, what is it?

Vanessa Huxtable:
Coffee.

Vanessa Huxtable:
How come Mom took Teddy to see Deathtrap 2000 and not me?

Cliff:
Because you can't handle scary things. Everybody knows it, I know it, you know it. When you were little I read you Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and can't find them, you cried for a week!

Cliff:
[to Vanessa] Do you have a night job that I don't know about, or are you a truck driver? What're you doing with coffee?

Cliff:
Did you call your sister a baby?

Rudy Huxtable:
No, I called her a baby chicken!

[after Rudy tells Clair there's a snake]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[calmly] Cliff, can I talk to you for a minute.

[to Rudy]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
And don't worry about some tired old snake.

[she and Cliff go in the kitchen]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[fearfully] Cliff, I want that snake out of my house!

[last lines]

Vanessa Huxtable:
[after the snake is caught] Just hope it didn't have any babies.

[upon hearing this, Clair goes spooked and screams in the pillow]

Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux:
Mom...

Clair Huxtable:
Yes?

Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux:
I'm not going to law school

Clair Huxtable:
[Trying to be calm] What?

Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux:
I decided not to go to law school

Clair Huxtable:
What do you mean you decided not to got to law school?

Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux:
Well this is our dream. So I'm going to take a temporary job while the Wilderness Store opens then I'll be working side by side with my husband

Clair Huxtable:
Sondra what are you saying? You have always wanted to go to law school, you havn't talked about anything else!

Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux:
I changed my mind

Clair Huxtable:
Change it back! After all that money we spent sending you to Princeton? Sondra, you owe US seventy-nine thousand six hundred and forty-eight dollars and twenty-two cents! And I want my money NOW!

Rudy:
[about smoking] It makes your breath stink. It makes your lungs dirty. And then you die!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Mrs. Schrader has been here eight times. I know the Schrader babies. When they see daylight they run.

Clair:
Cliff... there are three idiots in the kitchen.

Cliff:
You have to be a little more specific than that.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[discussing a civil rights sit-in near Hillman campus] I went back to see Professor Capel after that class. I wanted to talk about that lunch counter. I wanted to know how is it that people could hate like that? And I figured, if anybody had the answer, certainly it would be a professor of philosophy. In all the time that I knew her, it was the only time she did not have an answer. But, she did say something to me that I have cherished to this day, which is why I volunteered to organize this dinner.

Leah:
What was that?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
She told me I was her favorite student.

Leah:
That's lovely, Clair. [gestures to herself] Because, she told me I was her favorite student.

Baathie Ndiaie:
Same thing.

Millicent:
She told me I was her very favorite student, and she gave me a C.

Maxine:
I got you there; she gave me an S! And, she told me that I was her most favorite student!

[Clair "accidently" took the remote for the TV with her upstairs and now Cliff has followed her to get it back]

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I came up here to get the remote.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Why can't you get up and turn on the television by yourself?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Because I don't wanna walk to the TV.

[Cliff has been delivering a baby at the hospital all night and is preparing for a little nap on the couch]

Russell Huxtable:
I think you should go upstairs to bed.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
No, I can't. Mrs. Roland is ready to deliver. Her labour pains are fifteen minutes apart and her husband's are seven minutes apart.

[while Elvin waits for Sondra, Clair offers coffee for him and Cliff; Elvin is surprised]

Elvin Tibideaux:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Huxtable, I didn't think you did that kind of thing.

Clair Huxtable:
What kind of thing?

Elvin Tibideaux:
You know... serve.

Clair Huxtable:
Serve whom?

Elvin Tibideaux:
[indicating Cliff] Serve him.

Clair Huxtable:
[with a tense smile] Oh, serve *him*. As in "serve your man"?

Elvin Tibideaux:
Well, yeah.

Clair Huxtable:
[now visibly indignant] Let me tell you something, Elvin. You see, I am not "serving" Dr. Huxtable, okay?

Elvin Tibideaux:
Okay.

Clair Huxtable:
That's the kind of thing that goes on in a restaurant. Now I am going to bring him a cup of coffee just like he brought me a cup of coffee this morning. And *that*, young man, is what marriage is made of: it is give-and-take fifty-fifty. And if you don't get it together, and drop these macho attitudes, you are never gonna have anybody bringing you anything anywhere any place any time EVER.

[pauses, then smiles graciously]

Clair Huxtable:
Now, what would you like in your coffee?

Elvin Tibideaux:
[shaken] Maybe I can get *you* some coffee.

Clair Huxtable:
Elvin, that's alright. I don't mind getting it. But thanks for offering.

[Clair takes the tray to the kitchen; Elvin slowly sits down and looks at Cliff, scared]

Cliff:
Elvin?

Elvin Tibideaux:
Yes, sir?

Cliff:
When she brings the coffee back, if I were you, I wouldn't drink it.

Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux:
Turning fifty is a monumental occasion in a man's life.

Cliff:
Oh, Lord, who let this child in the house?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I'm so smart I'm smarter than ME!

Paula:
Look at you! It's only been three months and you're getting so big.

Olivia Kendall:
Denise cooks for me.

Paula:
She does?

Olivia Kendall:
Yes! And I'm still alive!

Olivia Kendall:
Hi mommy, do you wanna hear my Thanksgiving song? Its Thanksgiving Time, it turkey time, his name is Tom, he's a bird, that's the word, Tom's a bird.

Theo:
[in response to seeing Cockroach dancing on TV with Tina Hunter] I don't need to look at some idiot box to have a good time!

Cliff:
[to Vanessa after doing a math problem in which she got done faster than him] You wanna talk ways? When they read out my will, base method zero times zero, carry the zero!

[Sondra goes upstairs after lecturing Clair and her mother-in-law]

Clair:
Do you think it's safe for us to move now?

Cliff:
Do you feel lucky?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
You see, Denise, you know you can pretty much do anything you want because, deep down, you know we're always there to bail you out. You see, we're your safety net. And, we're so good at it, half the time you don't even know we're doing it. And, your father and I accept that responsibility because we're your parents. And, you'd better not ever forget that, young lady. Because, if you EVER take THIS attitude with us again, you can take whatever is in that bank account of yours and go DISCOVER America!

[Cliff is meeting with a older couple, Mr. and Mrs. Kenton. Mr. Kenton appears to be in his 50's, Mrs. Kenton in late 40's]

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I wanted to meet with you about the results of your test.

Mr. Kenton:
Everything's all right, isn't it, Doctor?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Everything's fine... [turns to Mrs. Kenton] you're pregnant!

Mr. Kenton:
[perplexed] How did it happen?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Well, you see, there were these two bees...

Mr. Kenton:
I do know how it [the pregnancy] happened, I just didn't know I could make it happen!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
The human male is quite capable well into his seventies and, for some, beyond.

Mrs. Kenton:
[stunned, looking at her husband] We're going to have a baby...

[both turn to look at Cliff]

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Well, I didn't do it!

Mr. Kenton:
Donnie is going to have a baby brother or sister!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Donnie is your son?

Mr. Kenton:
He's 26! He has a son five!

Mrs. Kenton:
Our child is going to be younger than our grandchild!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[trying to be reassuring] Yes, the child will be... younger than the grandchild, but... it's OK, because... the two of you... will be older than... everybody!

Denise:
A videotape? You guys actually let an electronic instrument baby sit your children?

Elvin Tibideaux:
Yes, and we're proud of it.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I am a doctor for women.

Olivia Kendall:
What do you do with them?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I deliver their babies.

Olivia Kendall:
Deliver?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
When the woman has the baby inside of her, then I go in and I take it out.

Olivia Kendall:
No you don't. Everybody knows that the stork brings the baby.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Who told you that?

Olivia Kendall:
My daddy.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[unable to see that he is fighting a losing battle] Okay. Well, the stork puts the baby inside of the mother...

[Olivia shakes her head]

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
...and then I go in and I take it out.

Olivia Kendall:
Ah aah. The stork brings the baby to the hospital and drops it in the bassinet.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
So you say that the baby is not inside the mummy?

[Olivia nods in agreement]

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Then why is it that the mother gets real big?

Olivia Kendall:
Because she eats a lot of food.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Now let me get this straight. You say that the stork carries over, puts the baby in the bassinet, and the mother is real big because she eats a lot of food?

Olivia Kendall:
You got it.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I see. Well, then why is it that the mother has to go to the hospital?

Olivia Kendall:
The stork brings the baby to the hospital, drops it in the bassinet. The mummy goes to the hospital and gets it.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[not yet ready to admit defeat] If the stork does all that, why doesn't the stork just bring it to the mummy's house?

Olivia Kendall:
[makes a gesture of impatience] Because it's too far. His wings will get tired.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Where does the stork get the babies from?

Olivia Kendall:
Heaven.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Okay. There is a zillion skillion babies in Heaven. How does the stork know what baby goes with what mother?

Olivia Kendall:
They are in a line. You know like you go to the baker and get a number.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[still not ready to admit defeat] Why when I put my hand on the mother I can feel things moving all around?

Olivia Kendall:
That's not a baby.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
What is it?

Olivia Kendall:
Gas.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[finally realizing he has lost] Well thank you for explaining it to me.

Olivia Kendall:
You're welcome, but you still haven't told me what you do.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I'm in charge of gas.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Remember when I spent the night at Janet's house a few weeks ago? Well I didn't spend the night at Janet's I spent the night at Tommy Watkins.

Vanessa Huxtable:
YOU WHAT?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
How - how come Mr. and Mrs. Watkins did tell us?

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
They were on vacation.

Vanessa Huxtable:
They were?

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
We didn't do anything, just listened to some records. [pause] Are you angry?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Ask your mother.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Mom, are you angry?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Oh no, I'm not angry... I'm MAD!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[pointing to Theo] All right, say you're pregnant.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
ME?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
YOU'RE pregnant. What are you going to do?

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
First I wanna know who did it.

Cliff:
What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?

Theo:
If I was pregnant? First of all I'd want to find out who did it?

Cliff:
But what if you couldn't find out who did it. Then what would you do?

Theo:
I don't know?

Cliff:
Your mother and I want you to know that you can always come to us when you have a problem.

Cliff:
What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?

Theo:
If I was pregnant? First of all I'd want to find out who did it?

Cliff:
But what if you couldn't find out who did it. Then what would you do?

Theo:
I'd go to one of my friends.

Cliff:
You mean that you would go to Cockroach rather than us your parents?

Clair:
Denise is married, and I don't even know her last name.

Cliff:
Mrs. Stupid!

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
[about the silly Miami necktie he bought Cliff for Father's Day] And, Dad, sorry about that tie.

Cliff:
[holding a ridiculous tie he got for Father's Day] It's ok, son. Somewhere out there I'm sure there's a suit that goes with this tie. *But don't get the suit!*

[the phone rings]

Cliff:
Oh, not another Vanessa caller.

[Answers]

Cliff:
Vanessa's Residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it is now 10:05, and she cannot take any calls past 10 o'clock. No, I cannot take a message. I am her father. I am a doctor. I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[discussing who should wake the children up on this first day of school] Cliff it's you're turn. I got them up on the last day of school

Cliff:
The last day of school? All you did was go out into the hallway and yell "LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!" and children next door were jumping out of bed.

Cliff:
[noticing the short sleeve sweatshirt that Theo's wearing] Son?

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Yeah, dad?

Cliff:
Is that the shirt that I bought for you?

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Yep.

Cliff:
Well, didn't it have sleeves on it when we bought it?

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Oh yeah, they're upstairs.

Cliff:
Oh, the sleeves didn't want to come down this morning?

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
No, you see dad, I cut 'em off. This is how everybody's wearing it this year.

Cliff:
Son, when we went to the store, you picked up that shirt and said "Dad. I gotta have this shirt for the first day of school." And I looked at the price of it, and I said "This is very expensive for a sweatshirt". Then I looked in those brown eyes of yours and I said "Well, my son wants it, and I'll buy it for him." Now if fashion dictates that you cut those sleeves off, make some alterations, that's fine with me. But somehow, some way, in this lifetime, you're going to wear those sleeves.

Cliff:
[trying to trick the kids into waking up] Last day of school! [nothing happens]

Rudy Huxtable:
[First lines; Rudy has walked into her parents bedroom, finding them asleep; she climbs up on the bed and begins to lightly jump on her father's side, trying to wake him up] Daddy?

Cliff:
[groggily] I thought I told you to knock before you come in here!

Rudy Huxtable:
I didn't want to wake you.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[to Rudy] What would you like for breakfast?

Rudy Huxtable:
Cereal.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Cereal what?

Rudy Huxtable:
Cereal... and bananas.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Cereal, bananas what?

Rudy Huxtable:
Cereal, bananas... and milk.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Cereal, bananas, milk... What?

Rudy Huxtable:
[hesitating] um... in a bowl. [sitcom audience laughs at her answer]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[impatiently smiling; calmly] Cereal, bananas, milk in a bowl... WHAT?

Rudy Huxtable:
[quietly counting the words she said with her fingers; much to the laughter of the sitcom audience] Cereal... bananas... milk in a bowl... [pause; then very cutely] PLEASE!

Cliff:
[Clair is trying to get Cliff to change his eating habits.] I've been eating like this since I was four!

Clair:
Yes darling. But now you are four-ty nine! And your little arteries don't unclog the way they used to. And who should know, BETTER THAN ME!

Cliff:
[Blushing] Would you like to.....unclog my arteries?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
You are a genius and I am a genius because I married you!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Cliff, you think we should tell the kids we're down here?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Are you drunk?

Cliff:
A man with many goats gave my daughter away in my place.

[Cliff has just given Denise's hand away in holy matrimony]

Cliff:
[to his "new" son-in-law] This is not a loan!

[Vanessa caught Denise's wedding bouquet]

Vanessa Huxtable:
Yes!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
NO!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[Cliff's parents knock on the door] Who is it?

Anna Huxtable:
Your mother.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[Opening the door] Nah, it's some old people out there married 50 years!

Anna Huxtable:
Oh we were awake.

Russell Huxtable:
Way past midnight.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Oh, got caught up on one of those old late night movies, didn't you?

Russell Huxtable:
Nope.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Is it, you were playing cards?

Anna Huxtable:
No.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Hold on, then were you reading?

Russell Huxtable:
NO!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Well, what were you doing? [Slight pause Cliff and Clair realize what Cliff's parents were doing. Cliff and Russell walk to the dining room]

Anna Huxtable:
Well now Anna, I want to know the truth. Can I expect the same from that one?

Anna Huxtable:
Til the grave.

Theo:
He's a minister Dad. He'll tell God we're crazy!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
This is not a Hollywood funeral. Now, take the sunglasses off.

Denise Huxtable:
[Denise takes them off and Cliff sees she's put on strange makeup]

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Put the sunglasses back on!

Theo:
[giving Rudy's dead goldfish to Cliff] I closed his eyes for you.

[it's Halloween]

Cliff:
Why don't we just call it what it is: begging!

[talking about Vanessa]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
I remember when she wouldn't even let a boy get next to her.

Cliff:
That's right. And now that's MY job.

Cliff:
[Rudy comes downstairs in a pumpkin costume] Whoa, where're you going? To a wedding?

Rudy Huxtable:
No, trick-or-treating!

Cliff:
Trick-or-treating? What's that?

Rudy Huxtable:
Where you dress up and get candy.

Cliff:
Well when did that start?

Rudy Huxtable:
When I was 3.

Cliff:
[in a weird costume Rudy put together for him] Don't tell anybody who I am.

Janet Meiser:
[upon seeing Clair's costume] *wow*, Mrs. Huxtable!*Great* costume!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[feigning ignorance] What costume?

Cliff:
[getting the kids ready for Trick-or-treating] And do you have a song while go out there?

Rudy Huxtable, Katie, Peter Chiara:
[singing in unison; as the sitcom audience laughs] Trick or treat, smell my feet/ Give me something good to eat!/ If you don't, I don't care/ I'll pull down your underwear! [a short pause]

Cliff:
[bluntly] I don't think that's an appropriate song.

Clair:
Cliff, I love the way you beg.

Olivia Kendall:
[Olivia is upset that she is sick and can't sing for Cliff's parents on their anniversary] I can't buy them anything. I'm broke.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
What happened to all your money?

Olivia Kendall:
I don't know. I bought some bubble gum.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[on how everybody else has the perfect cure for Olivia's cold] This house is full of doctors.

[as denise is leaving]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[calling to cliff] Cliff! Denise is leaving!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[in kitchen, to Denise] See ya later Homie!

Denise Huxtable:
So, Daddy, how do you like David?

Cliff:
I don't know if that's him. He hasn't found himself yet.

Clair Huxtable:
Does any of this sound familiar? "How ugly is he?" "Who is his parole officer?" Face it, Cliff. You are ROUGH.

David James:
See, I've been reading Socrates and he believed that true learning comes from just observing the world.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Where can I get that book?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
You don't read son.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Well, maybe there's a movie about it.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
When do you feel this pressure?

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Every now and then.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
This is not about pressure. Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored, although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books...

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
And each other.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Thank you.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
That they call on the phone every five minutes when they're away, yet somehow they were bored together.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
So you see, Vanessa wasn't feeling any pressure from us. The only pressure she felt was from the people she was with.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Because of what you two have accomplished, the world expects a lot more from us than from other kids.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
And that's our fault?

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Think about it, you're a doctor, Mom's a lawyer, that's a lot of pressure.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Theo, we never said become a doctor, become a lawyer, we say go to school, we say study, we say become something.

Vanessa Huxtable:
[hung over] Daddy, my head, my stomach, please, can you give me something?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Nothing I can give you kid, there's no cure for this.

Vanessa Huxtable:
[drunk, to Denise] I didn't buy you a wedding present.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[Vanessa breaks the rhythm on the alphabet game on L] I'll tell you what, you're in a L of a jam now. Whoever loses the fourth round has to drink four drinks.

[last lines]

Vanessa Huxtable:
[takes the shot glass up to her mouth, scrunches up her face, and drinks. she expects to taste bourbon, but... ] [as her face relaxes] this is tea...

Rudy Huxtable, Clair Hanks Huxtable, Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Gotcha!

[about her friend's shoe phone]

Vanessa Huxtable:
[drunk] I love your phone!

[Theo is wearing an unplugged set of headphones to cover a pierced ear]

Cliff:
Son?

Theo:
Yeah, Dad?

Cliff:
There's no music coming through the headset. You still bopping to what's left of your brain?

Theo:
[Cliff has just made Theo come into his office where he is examining Theo's ear for infection] Hey dad, can we go somewhere else? This place is for pregnant women...

Cliff:
Your grandson pierced his ear.

Russell Huxtable:
On purpose?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable (Cosby, Bill):
[Rudy is keeps calling Vanessa's name. However, there is no answer] Rudy, put your ear down on the floor. Can you hear me?

Rudy Huxtable (Knight Pulliam, Keshia):
Yes.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable (Cosby, Bill):
[yells] STOP IT!

Denise Huxtable (Bonet, Lisa):
Just ignore her.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable (Cosby, Bill):
Spoken by a woman with no children!

Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux:
Elvin, please don't call me "Muffin".

Elvin Tibideaux:
Oh, I'm sorry... Puffin.

Denise:
Olivia what are you doing? You know you're not supposed to touch any machines in this house. Now why did you put your crayons in the washer with Theo's pants?

Olivia Kendall:
Because the label on the crayon said "washable".

Denise:
Olivia sweetheart that means you can wash it off of the walls, your skin or your clothes.

Olivia Kendall:
I wish someone had told me that.

Olivia Kendall:
Are you still angry?

Cliff:
Yes! You know you're not supposed to touch any machines in this house.

Olivia Kendall:
I'm sorry. I'll never touch another machine in here. I'll pay for the repairs out my allowance.

Cliff:
Do you know just how much it's going to cost to fix the washing machine? A bazillion dollars.

Olivia Kendall:
I have a bazillion dollars in my bank account

Cliff:
No, you don't.

Olivia Kendall:
[Olivia gives Cliff a big raspberry on the side of his cheek]

Cliff:
You know what we're gonna do? When Rudy gets her driver's license, you and I are gonna go down to the salvage dump. We're gonna pick out the worst, bashed, smashed-looking thing that still runs and we're gonna let her drive it. That way if anybody hits her, it'll be an improvement.

Theo:
I know how you feel, Dad.

Clair:
No, you don't.

[Cliff starts laughing]

Theo:
Hey, I can appreciate the pressures both of you are under. And if you ask me, I think y'all doing a bang up job.

Clair:
Theo, shut up.

Clair:
[discussing the "joys" of being a parent] How about getting in the car to go to work and discovering that your daughter's understanding of the word "empty" means, "I'll just park the car over here and Mom will fill it up?"

Cliff:
How about leaving the car radio on, so that both of us have a heart attack last time? You left the thing up so loud, your mother's hair went straight up!

Theo:
Dad, all those stories we've come to find out are not true.

Cliff:
What? What? Who said? From who?

Theo, Denise, Vanessa, Rudy:
Grandpa!

Cliff:
You're going to believe a man that age?

Theo:
You guys act like you don't do some bad things to us, you know.

Clair:
I would like to know what we ever asked you to do except hang up your clothes before they take root.

[the kids start screaming in frustration]

Cliff:
We're not being paid to look after you all! And there's not a check big enough to take care of you!

Denise:
[talking about Theo's bad baseball experience] Okay, so it took a little time. What's the big deal?

Cliff:
Right! No big deal! Now there's the key. You guys always say things like "no big deal." Some of the greatest lies ever told by you kids - "No big deal." "I forgot." "I'll pay you back later." "It was like that when I found it. I swear, Mom, Dad..."

Cliff, Clair:
It was like that when I found it.

Vanessa:
[about the car she crashed] Mom, Dad, I just want to say that I'm really sorry.

Clair:
Please add that to the list. "I'm really sorry."

Cliff:
Yes, and the other one that's key - "What are you doing home so early?"

[Cliff picks up something strange from Theo's desk and stares at it]

Theo:
I don't know what it is Dad, but I can't throw it away until I find out.

[Denise asks Theo if she can borrow some money for a concert]

Theo:
Hey, if Dad lets you go, I'll give you five hundred dollars.

Denise:
You don't have five hundred dollars!

Theo:
Do I look worried?

Cliff:
A long, long time ago, three to four generations ago, parents didn't talk much to their children. At four A.M, the father would come home, look at his son sleeping, wake him up and say "Boy, go out and plough the field now". And the boy would rub his eye and say "Yes, pa". And occasionally, the son would ask the father how much he'd get paid. And the father grabbed the plough, and ran over his son. Those days are over, because we have become more civilized, more sophisticated, but it's still inside of me no matter how sophisticated I get. And it grows over time. Boy, when I say to one of my children to do something and they say "How much does it pay?", I think I'm going to buy a plough.

Denise:
Dad, I'd like permission to sleep away from home tonight.

Cliff:
Ok, are you going to sleep at a friend's house?

Denise:
No.

Cliff:
Are you going to sleep at a stranger's house?

[Denise has asked Cliff to sleep on 32nd St for tickets to a concert. Cliff is laughing]

Cliff:
32nd St. Where?

Denise:
On 32nd St... itself.

Cliff:
Why, have you volunteered to be a pothole?

[Cliff is dancing and Denise is watching him]

Denise:
Dad, promise me something. When my friends come over... don't do that.

[Denise has unsuccessfully tried to get permission from Cliff to sleep on 32nd St]

Cliff:
You're not going. I love you. You're not going.

Denise:
You said you would have an open mind.

Cliff:
32nd St closed it up, dear.

[Denise explains her bad grade to her parents]

Denise:
If you have 60% of a pie, that's still a lot of pie!

Denise:
I wrote one for history, check it out, [drumming on the table and rapping] Columbus sailed the ocean blue in fourteen hundred and ninety-two. When he got to the shore he said 'let's talk' on the place he called Plymouth Rock.

Rebecca Shorter:
Denise, Columbus sailed to the Carribean in 1492, the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620.

Denise:
Oh.

Rebecca Shorter:
I'll check it out, and maybe you can even perform an assembly.

Denise:
Yeah?

Rebecca Shorter:
Yeah, but not on Christopher Columbus.

Theo:
I just wish that I had a great big brother.

Elvin Tibideaux:
Well, the way things are going between Sondra and I you just might end up with a great big brother-in-law.

Theo:
Are you serious?

Elvin Tibideaux:
Arrrr!

Cliff:
[coming into the kitchen to find Clair counting backwards] Uh-oh, she's counting down. Who's in trouble?

Clair:
29, 28, Vanessa, 27, 26.

Cliff:
What's she in trouble for?

Clair:
25, 24, 23, 22, after we had our long discussion she had the nerve to come in this house with make-up on.

Cliff:
Yeah, they want to grow up really fast, don't they?

[repeated line]

Howard 'Sandman' Sims:
Challenge!

Clair:
Getting up at 4am to prove who I am to three men who are basking in the non-existent rays of their own intelligence is *not* my idea of a fun time.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[obviously addressing Mrs. Westlake] I love your accent. Where are you from?

Jack Westlake:
I'm from Indiana.

Anna Maria Westlake:
That's why I marry him. I love the way he talks!

[At dinner, Mrs. Westlake is sharing about her struggles, working two jobs while going to college and not being native to the U.S]

Jack Westlake:
Tell them what you did on the weekends!

Anna Maria Westlake:
I drove a taxicab! [everyone laughs] One day, this man gets into my cab and says, 'I need to get to the airport, and step on it!' I say, 'you want me to step on the airport?' [more laughs] Then he says, 'I need to get there in a jiffy!' I say, 'this is not a Jiffy, this is a Yellow Cab!' [more laughs]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
So, did that man make it to the airport?

Jack Westlake:
Yes, but I missed my flight!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
You are so rude, in fact, that's how you got your name. Rude-e, Rude-e, Rude-e.

Olivia Kendall:
These are blackberries, I wanted blueberries!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
But dear, we searched all over the country and we couldn't find any.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Cliff, you didn't try Canada... no, didn't I say, I told you try Canada but 'ooooh no, just give the child blackberries, she'll never know the difference'. Well she did, Cliff and now you're in trouble.

Olivia Kendall:
No, you're both in trouble. As far as I'm concerned you should both go jump in the lake.

Sondra:
Here you are, Olivia, three tickets to the Jackson concert.

Olivia Kendall:
Which Jackson?

Olivia Kendall:
Whichever Jackson you like.

Rudy Huxtable:
You have a date? Olivia, you're only 5!

Olivia Kendall:
Don't push it Rudy! Dr. Huxtable says I'm very mature for my age. [Cliff enters]

Rudy Huxtable:
Dad, Olivia's going on a date?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Yeah, why not? She's very mature for her age.

Rudy Huxtable:
[Olivia's going on a date] Doesn't she have a curfew?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Well of course she does. [to Olivia] Now when would you *like* to get back?

Olivia Kendall:
Tuesday.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Okay then, Tuesday is the curfew.

Vanessa:
Rudy, what would you do in life if you only had a fourth grade education?

Rudy:
Teach third grade.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
You bring yourself into this house right now! And, if you think that 30-minute ride home was something, believe me, honey, we've only just begun! Here we think you're lying in the floor of some burning building dying of asphyxia and you're down in Baltimore, having BIG FUN! Weren't you, Vanessa? Isn't that where you were? Didn't you go down there to Baltimore to have big fun, Vanessa? Tell me, didn't you go for big fun?

Vanessa Huxtable:
Mom...

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
SHUT UP! Don't you DARE open your mouth when I'm asking you a question! RUDY, GO TO BED!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Did you really think that the four of you could go careening off into the night and not one single parent would find out about it? Did you really think that, Vanessa?

Vanessa Huxtable:
Mom...

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
SHUT UP! Because I know what was going on! You were off being wild and free with the Wretched and singing the Wretched song! Now, I know you told me about it in the car, Vanessa, but just for the record, one more time, how did it come to pass that you did not get into the concert with the Wretched, and the big fun?

[Vanessa doesn't speak]

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
YOU BETTER ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK YOU A QUESTION, GIRL!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[acting as bait for Theo to get Mr. Starkey to answer the phone] Hello? This is Clair Hanks of Universal Silk Screens and I'd like to order 600 dozen T-shirts. [pause] Hello? Mr. Starkey? [quickly grabs the phone away from Theo] Did I say 600? Oh, well, no, what I meant to say is that I am the senior partner at the law firm Bradley, Greentree and Dexter, and I represent Mr. Theodore Huxtable. No, *you* listen! You sold a product in this state, therefore you gave Mr. Huxtable a warranty of usability. Now unless you can round up 144 people with neither head nor neck to speak on behalf of your T-shirts, we are prepared to take action. [sweetly] That's what I thought you'd say. So we'll have the money by the close of business today? We thank you. [hangs up]

Kenny:
Good afternoon. Stanley, isn't it?

Stanley:
Yeah. Is Rudy home?

Kenny:
Yeah. Is she expecting you?

Stanley:
You Rudy's brother?

Kenny:
You could say that.

Stanley:
OK, you're Rudy's brother!

Kenny:
Come in. Sit down. Let's chat. [both sit on couch] Stanley, you got big plans for the evening?

Stanley:
Maybe we do. Maybe we don't. You got a problem with that?

Kenny:
You know, it's awfully close to dinner time to be calling on Rudy.

Stanley:
Hey, I don't know what time you guys eat around here.

Kenny:
Maybe you should check next time.

Stanley:
I don't smell nothin' cookin'!

Kenny:
It's frozen!

Olivia Kendall:
I'll do my part. But I hope Pam doesn't boss me around too much.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Why would she do that?

Olivia Kendall:
Because that's what old people do. It's their job.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Olivia, Pam is only seventeen.

Olivia Kendall:
Wow! She's older than I thought!

Theo:
Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!

Cliff:
Well, use the one downstairs.

Theo:
The small one? That's for guests!

Cliff:
Well, pretend you don't live here!

Theo:
Dad, it's not fair!

Cliff:
What do you mean, it's not fair? There's two men living in a house with 4 women. We're lucky we have a gas station around the corner!

[Theo comes out with a huge amount of shaving cream on his face]

Cliff:
[chortling] Just promise me you won't lose the razor in there.

Theo:
I put on too much, didn't I?

Cliff:
Oh, no. Sometimes I use three to four cans myself.

Dr. Wexler:
As you all know this hospital is number one, and that's because we go after talent that the other hospitals overlook. We've got blacks, we've got native Americans, we've got Hispanics, we've got Asian Americans, we have even got a Texan.

Dr. Wexler:
[about Cliff Huxtable] His dedication to this hospital is so great that when other business at the maternity ward slowed down his wife came in pregnant.

Clair:
Cliff, why do we have four children?

Cliff:
Because we did not want five.

Cliff:
Theo, your mother asked me to come up here and kill you.

Cliff:
I love you, son.

Theo:
Yeah, Dad, I know.

Cliff:
Yeah, and maybe your mother loves you too.

[Theo has received a "D" and is explaining why he should not be punished]

Theo:
You're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, and you're both successful in everything and that's great! But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life. If you weren't a doctor, I wouldn't love you less, because you're my dad. So rather than feeling disappointed because I'm not like you, maybe you should accept who I am and love me anyway, because I'm your son.

Cliff:
Theo... that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!

[after Theo tells Cliff to love him for who he really is when failing his classes]

Cliff:
Theo.

[short pause]

Cliff:
That's got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard!

Theo:
[upon being woken up] Come on, Dad, five more minutes... Four? Three?

Cliff:
Is this an auction?

Heathcliff Huxtable:
And you're going to do it because I said so! I am your father!

Vanessa Huxtable:
Denise pushed us out of the bathroom and Rudy doesn't have all of the shampoo rinsed out of her hair. If she goes blind can we get a dog?

Theo:
But I'm not going to college.

Cliff:
Damn right!

Heathcliff Huxtable:
Where are you going?

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
I have a date, Daddy.

Heathcliff Huxtable:
[referring to the belt on her leg] Uh, not like that, blood cannot get up to your brain from there! And besides, it's a school night.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
It's Friday, Daddy.

Heathcliff Huxtable:
Yeah, but did you go to school today?

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Yeah...

Heathcliff Huxtable:
And so it's a "school night".

Vanessa Huxtable:
Dad, Denise pushed us out of the bathroom and wouldn't let me rinse the soap out of Rudy's eyes like Mom said and now Rudy might be blinded for life! If she is, can we get a dog?

Cliff:
No, but I'll tell you what, you can *walk* your sister... down to my room and get her cleaned up!

[knock on the bedroom door during a tender moment]

Cliff:
Who is it?

[Vanessa and Rudy enter]

Cliff:
No, no, no. When I say, "Who is it?", it doesn't mean for you to come in. When I say, "Who is it?", you say who it is.

[the girls retreat, close the door, and knock again]

Cliff:
Who is it?

Vanessa Huxtable:
[from beyond the door] Who it is!

Boyfriend in Pilot Episode:
[points to his ear] Are you looking at my ear?

Cliff:
No, I was looking at the earring in it.

Cliff:
The boy told me he wants to be "regular people" when in fact what he is is "lazy" people. And if the regular people find out he's using their name, they're gonna come and kick his butt!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I'm not stubborn.

Rudy:
No more parties in there.

Rudy:
This is woman stuff. I really need to talk to Mom.

Cliff:
I'm a gynecologist, and you want to talk to a lawyer?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Well I came to buy a uh station wagon maybe

Mr. Babcock:
A station wagon? With all of your money?

Rudy:
[interrupts Cliff trying to kiss Clair] Dad?

Cliff:
Why is it every time I try to kiss my wife, a kid pops up?

Theo:
Hey dad. Am I really in that much trouble?

Cliff:
Let me tell you something. Your mother and I go into the kitchen. You can go out and get in MY car. You can drive BACKWARDS to Coney Island, run over the hot dog man and TWO stop signs and you won't be in any more trouble than you are in now.

Cliff:
[about Sondra and Elvin's baby] It'll be a boy named after me.

Clair:
It might be a girl named after me.

Cliff:
Still named after me. Heathcliff Female.

Dr. Jerry Taylor:
Congratulations. You are the grandparents of a healthy boy!

[a lot of cheering]

Dr. Jerry Taylor:
And a girl!

[Clair is at her desk when she hears an announcement on television]

Announcer:
We interrupt our regular programming for a special news report. Here is NBC News correspondent, John Palmer.

John Palmer:
This morning three more pregnant men have been sighted. The men, each of whom is in his ninth month, were discovered in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. This brings the total number of pregnant men of the United States to well over 11,300,000. As we reported earlier, this phenomenon has been traced to the eruption of a volcano in Peru. Scientists say spores from the volcano have altered the world's water supply, enabling men to become pregnant. As yet, no man has given birth. But millions are due at any moment. The nation's hospitals are standing at the ready in a state of total confusion. Wait, this just in. Another pregnant man has been spotted at a car dealership in Marietta, Ohio. Stay tuned for further updates.

Dr. Burns:
This is the diploma that was given to me when I graduated dental school in 1776!

Rudy Huxtable:
Show us teeth! [Dr. Burns opens his mouth] No! Those teeth!

Dr. Burns:
Where, on the shelves? Yeah these go on the shelves too sometimes. [picks up some false teeth] A long time ago these teeth came into my office, they didn't have an appointment, they didn't have anything! And I said 'do I know you?' and they said 'No, but you've taken out some of our friends!'

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
There's no woman in here.

Dr. Burns:
No, just me.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
And you're not pregnant either!

Dr. Burns:
Not now, no.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[Claire's going on about a story in the paper about water conservation] Claire, did you see this story?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
What is it?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
'Man dies because wife won't let him sleep!'

Dr. Burns:
Monday you come see me.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
No, Monday's no good.

Dr. Burns:
Tuesday?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
No, Tuesday's even tighter than Monday.

Dr. Burns:
How loose is Wednesday?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
No, Wednesday's no good either.

Dr. Burns:
Would you consider Feezle day?

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
No because Feezle Day we take the children out to see the Feezles.

[On Cliff's apron]

Heathcliff Huxtable:
When I take this off... EAT

[Sondra and Elvin are preparing to move out, and Cliff wants to know why Winnie has just put a big, blue sticker on his nose]

Winnie Tibideaux:
Daddy is putting blue dots on all the big, heavy things we want to take with us.

[Winnie and Nelson wants to go to the new house and help the rest of the family unloading]

Sondra Huxtable Tibideaux:
Oh no, kids. You gotta stay here with grandpa and have a special memory day, okay?

Winnie Tibideaux:
But you said that if we stayed in this house any longer we'll go crazy.

Rudy:
There I was sitting in class while the teacher was talking about punctuation and I was starting my period. Do you know how embarrassing that was?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
I think I do, and so does every other woman in the world. Honey that's why they call it the curse.

Rudy:
The curse?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
The curse, dear. Now it's called the curse, the visitor, the flag is up, the infantry has landed.

Rudy:
The infantry has landed?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
And fallen off the roof. In my day it was referred to as The Horror.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[explaining growing up with her period] You see women were expected to be very dainty and discreet, so what do they do? They give us pads the size of mattresses. And during that very special time of the month, when you wanted to go out at night you couldn't carry a little dainty clutch bag, oh no no no, you had to carry an overnight bag.

Rudy:
Those were the bad old days, huh, Mom?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Those were the bad old days. But we've come a long way since then, and Rudy you know, it's very natural, it's been going on since the beginning of time. It's what makes you a woman.

Rudy:
But Mom, I'm NOT a woman, I'm 12 years old!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Rudy, in biological terms you ARE a woman, and if you're going to be a mother someday, this HAS to happen.

Rudy:
Does everyone know?

Susan:
No, when you ran out of class we told everybody you had an emergency.

Davina:
Yeah, we said your house was on fire.

Rudy:
What?

Susan:
Then later we told them it was a false alarm.

Davina:
So, what's it like?

Rudy:
Well, it's like getting a stomachache, but without eating candy.

Cliff:
You know, America is a great place, but it doesn't have a place where you can get rid of your kids.

Justine Phillips:
[as Theo approaches Justine after receiving Cliff's car keys and money, Justine is Angry at Theo about the Prom Night she had] Please, I have a lot of things inside of me that I want to say to you, but I can't because I'm inside of this house, Thank you and good night Dr. and Mrs. Huxtable.

Theo:
[as the girls leave the house] I've been here before.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Once you sit down there will you be able to get back up?

Aunt Gramtee:
Let's find out. [sits on the couch and gets up] Now, will that close your mouth?

Olivia Kendall:
But God made all the animals so I can see them at the zoo.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Well God also made me your stepmother and put me in charge and I say you're going to church.

Aunt Gramtee:
Well this is a pleasant way to wake up... unless I'm looking at an angel in Heaven.

Olivia Kendall:
No, it's me, Olivia.

Aunt Gramtee:
Rudy, I hear your performance at school is slipping. Now you straighten up and fly right.

Rudy Huxtable:
Yes ma'am.

Aunt Gramtee:
[Theo laughs] Theo...

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Gramtee! I'm doing my best. But I have a learning disability.

Aunt Gramtee:
Well you STILL have to work hard.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Yes ma'am.

Aunt Gramtee:
During slavery, did you know that it was illegal to teach slaves how to read?

Rudy Huxtable:
It was illegal to learn to read?

Aunt Gramtee:
Oh yes.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Oh, Gramtee, you were a school teacher, weren't you?

Aunt Gramtee:
Yes, I taught grades 1 through 8 in one room.

Rudy Huxtable:
[shocked] One room?

Aunt Gramtee:
That's right. Many of the children had to walk 12 miles to and from school. And when they went home, they had to work their farms until the sun went down.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
It was so much harder to get an education back then.

Aunt Gramtee:
You know, during slavery in some states, it was illegal to teach a slave to read.

Rudy Huxtable:
Illegal to learn how to read?

Aunt Gramtee:
Now your great-great-great aunt Lucinda grew up in slavery. But she was determined to learn to read. She used to play with the owner's daughters, the Hawthorne girls. They had tutors. The Hawthorne girls were beginning to feel bad because they were learning how to read and Lucinda couldn't. So after their class they would sneak her down to the creek and teach Lucinda everything they had learned.

Rudy Huxtable:
Could aunt Lucinda have gotten in trouble?

Aunt Gramtee:
Oh, yes. She could have been severely punished. But that didn't scare her. She was determined to learn to read. And after slavery she became a teacher.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Is that what inspired you to become a teacher?

Aunt Gramtee:
I guess we could say she was an inspiration.

[Yelling at some snowball-throwing kids]

Cliff:
This is Dr. Huxtable. I delivered some of you. I'm a parent and a taxpayer. And I am probably the only adult who will sue little children.

Theo:
This is my dad.

Anthony Braxton:
Hello, Mr. Huxtable.

Theo:
Dr. Huxtable! Dad, this is Anthony Braxton.

Cliff:
What name do you really go by?

Anthony Braxton:
I'm The Enforcer.

Cliff:
I'm The Dad!

Vanessa:
[trying to find out why Theo is in trouble] Theo left early for school today. He seemed to be in a hurry.

Cliff:
Oh, yeah?

Vanessa:
It's a shame what happened.

Cliff:
Yeah.

Vanessa:
And to think it would happen in *this* house!

Cliff:
That was the part that bothered me the most.

Vanessa:
What did you say to Theo when you found out?

Cliff:
Well, you know me... so, that's what I said.

Vanessa:
And what did Theo say?

Cliff:
The only thing he could say.

Vanessa:
Oh.

Cliff:
What would *you* have done in that situation?

Vanessa:
I would have had him come to me!

Cliff:
Well, I thought about that but I know how much you don't like to get into other people's business.

Vanessa:
[sighs] Yeah.

Cliff:
Have a good day at school, dear.

Cliff:
[Clair found a joint in Theo's book and jumps to conclusions] We don't even know if it is Theo's and you're already sending the boy to Turkey.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Mum, Dad. I need your help.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
What's up?

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Theo. He is acting weird and he is ruining my project.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Oh dear. How is he acting weird and ruining your project.

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
He is trying to impress Susanne.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
What is he doing?

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
He has changed his clothes, he cleans his room and now he is upstairs studying.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Well. We'll see if we could get her to move in.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
Now, when I left here yesterday, it was under some strain, and we all said some things we didn't mean.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Not me.

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
But, it's all over now, and I'm sure we're all big enough to apologize!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
NOT ME!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
When are you gonna get it, Theo? This is not about living with Justine. This is about doing something behind our backs and then lying to us about what it is you're doing!

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
I'm sorry.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Yesterday, you said your mother and I were controlling you with our money and that you and Justine were gonna go on and live your own lives. Now, did you ever stop to think what would happen if we said you couldn't come back here?

Theodore 'Theo' Huxtable:
No.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Of course, you didn't! Because we're your 'safety net'! You go out, you mess up, you listen to our lecture, and then you go out and you mess up again! Well, Theo, I have had enough. I do not have the strength to keep letting you come back into this house.

[talking about a back rub in the living room]

Clair:
You know that spot you found?

Cliff:
Yeah?

Clair:
Find that spot again.

Cliff:
I can find another one if we go upstairs.

Clair:
[laughs]

Cliff:
This is not Burger King. You can't have it your way!

Clair Huxtable:
[as a fast-talking saleswoman to Theo and Cockroach] Gentlemen, welcome to Amanda's Furniture City. Where money talks and nobody walks, if you like it you touch it, if you break it you buy it, if you don't see it we don't have it but we will get it, now what can I do for you?

[Theo only has $200 to furnish his "apartment" in the "Real World"]

Theo:
[looking around Amanda's Furniture City] Everything's so expensive. What do I do?

Clair Huxtable:
Honey, did you come here for advice or for furniture? Now look, time is money. What you have got to do is figure out exactly what it is that you need.

Theo:
I *need* it all.

Clair Huxtable:
Yes, but you are not going to get it for $200, but you are in luck. Because here at Furniture City, we accept all major credit cards.

Theo:
I don't have any credit cards.

Clair Huxtable:
You are in luck, because here at Furniture City, we accept personal checks.

Theo:
I don't have any personal checks.

Clair Huxtable:
[the saleswoman smile leaves her face] Then *you* are about to *leave* Furniture City.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Theo. Get Away. I figured it out now. I got it all figured out. See, for 23 years we've had children in this house. And for 23 years you and I have had constant battles with these people. And the question has always been WHAT were we fighting about. And now I know. It's about the house. They want the house. It is believable that this boy deliberately did not mail that envelope so that when he went down there were no room and he would have to come back HERE and live. It is believable that Denise does not want to go to college anymore because she wants to live HERE. It is believable that this young man and this woman living in a condemned place on purpose have this baby to make us feel sorry for them so they can come back HERE. Now the other two haven't started their game yet because legally they're supposed to stay here. Now you and I have been beaten everytime we've gone to battle. And I'm telling you now, darling. I'm old. And you're old, too, Clair. And I think that you and I should just get on up and get outta here. Get in the car and just go. Let 'em have the house, honey. And unlike General MacArthur, we shall not return.

Denise Huxtable:
I've decided to discontinue my college education.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
Come again, young lady?

Denise Huxtable:
I'm not going back to Hillman.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Wanna bet?

Denise Huxtable:
And, who am I? An industrious young woman who wants to examine life without... pressure!

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
And how much does that pay?

Denise Huxtable:
I mean, is a person who makes an A better than a person who makes a C?

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
No.

Denise Huxtable:
[chuckles] I was sure you were going to say yes!

Denise Huxtable Kendall:
Vanessa and I have fought over clothes before.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
Yes, but not to the death!

Vanessa Huxtable:
Dad, there's something else you should see.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[after finding the girls have been taking his clothes] What, my wedding suit?

[On Vanessa complaining about the family being "rich"]

Cliff:
Your mother and I are rich; you have nothing.

Cliff:
[to Vanessa] Listen carefully. Your mother and I are rich, you have nothing.

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
So, I hear you're gonna fix the tile...

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
That's right...

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
You're lookin' mighty cute in that toolbelt...

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
[demurely] I've got it in suede too...

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
He may be filet mignon but you served him to us on a garbage can top.

[Rudy has hurt herself badly during play and Cliff wants to examine her]

Rudy Huxtable:
[crying] I want to see a doctor.

Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable:
I am a doctor.

Rudy Huxtable:
[still crying] No you're not! You're Daddy!

Clair Hanks Huxtable:
[about Rudy's injury] Cliff. Now this is serious. We have to call a doctor.