The Curse of Monkey Island

Captain Blondebeard:
Madre de Dios! Es el Pollo Diablo!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[as El Pollo Diablo] !S? He dejado en libertad los prisioneros y ahora vengo por ti!

Captain Blondebeard:
Well, yer not gettin' me without a fight!

Cabana Boy:
Let me see your membership card and I'll let you through!

Guybrush Threepwood:
You don't need to see my identification.

Cabana Boy:
I don't need to see your identification.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I'm not the pirate you're looking for.

Cabana Boy:
You're not the pirate I'm looking for.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I can go about my business.

Cabana Boy:
You can go about your business.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Move along.

Cabana Boy:
Move along, move along... hey! Your mind tricks won't work on me, boy!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[singing] Oh... there's... a... monkey in my pocket / And he's stealing all my change / His stare is blank and glassy / I suspect that he's deranged!

[Reading pin]

Guybrush Threepwood:
"Ask me about Grim Fandango." I don't want people asking me about Grim Fandango.

[Looking through a keyhole]

Guybrush Threepwood:
I see a diorama of the children of the world living in peace and freedom. No, wait. It can't be that. It's just too dark to make out what's in there.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Do you expect me to talk?

King Andre:
No, Mr. Threepwood. I expect you to buy!

Guybrush Threepwood:
What's your name?

Slappy Cromwell:
Cromwell, Slappy Cromwell. It's not my real name actually. My agent told me my given name just didn't have star quality.

Guybrush Threepwood:
What was your given name?

Slappy Cromwell:
Rex Fortune, Adventure Seeker.

Edward Van Helgen:
What! You shot my banjo!

Guybrush Threepwood:
You can't be sure of that. That shot may have come from the grassy knoll.

Elaine Marley:
You know... I don't think my father would approve of me dating the undead, and you're probably too nice a zombie-pirate for me anyway. Let's just be friends instead.

LeChuck:
Now with the demon flames of this voodoo cannonball, I'll blast my significant other into the significant otherworld, ha ha! That'll show how much I truly care.

Elaine Marley:
Let's face it, LeChuck. You are an evil, foul-smelling, vile, co-dependent villain and that's just not what I'm looking for in a romantic relationship right now.

[LeChuck and his henchman Skully look at each other in confusion as to what Elaine meant]

LeChuck:
Darn yer riddles, ya saucy female! What d'ya mean?

[cuts off Skully's head while he speaks]

Skully:
Ahhh! Ohhh!

Elaine Marley:
You're a blood-thirsty monster who's already kidnapped me once, tortured my friends, and taken from me the only man I ever loved: Guybrush Threepwood.

Skully:
[Guybrush sighs happily] Awwww... how romantic... [sees Guybrush] Ship Ahoy!

Mr. Fossey:
Aye aye, Captain. Fresh bananas for the whole crew!

Murray:
I am Murray, the invincible demonic skull!

Lemonhead:
Shut up, or I'll eat you.

Guybrush Threepwood:
How can you see without eyeballs?

Murray:
How can you walk around without a brain? Some things no one can answer.

Murray:
I am a powerful demonic force! I am the harbinger of your doom! And the forces of darkness will applaud me as I STRIDE through the gates of hell carrying your head on a pike!

Guybrush Threepwood:
'Stride?'

Murray:
All right then, 'ROLL! ROLL through the gates of hell.' Must you take the fun out of everything?

Guybrush Threepwood:
You're about as fearsome as a doorstop.

Murray:
Is it a really EVIL-looking doorstop?

Guybrush Threepwood:
[sighs] Never mind.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Do you know anything about lifting curses?

Murray:
Oh, right. I know a lot about lifting curses. That's why I'm a disembodied talking skull sitting on top of a spike in the middle of a swamp.

Guybrush Threepwood:
You seem bitter.

Murray:
I'm sorry. It's been a rough day.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Ha-ha! Taste cold steel, feeble cannon restraint rope!

Haggis McMutton:
Me given name is 'Heart-Liver-And-Kidneys-Boiled-In-The-Stomach-Of-The-Animal McMutton.'

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh, so your parents were expecting a girl, then.

Haggis McMutton:
Aye.

Lemonhead:
You fool! You gave cheese to a lactose intolerant volcano god!

Guybrush Threepwood:
How'd you break into the hairstyling industry?

Cutthroat Bill:
I saw an ad to join a barbershop quartet. Got a problem with that?

Guybrush Threepwood:
No! That must be very rewarding work.

Cutthroat Bill:
What's that supposed to mean?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Mean? Just that... you know, cutting hair, and, err, singing must be just... a lot of fun.

Cutthroat Bill:
It's like a party every day. Some days I just don't know how to contain my joy. I get giddy, and the laughter bubbles out of me like a sparkling fountain of mirth and gaiety.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Okay, new topic...

Voodoo Lady:
I am one gifted with the Second Sight, adept at manipulating the forces of nature for the benefit of all who enter my door.

Guybrush Threepwood:
You're a fashion consultant?

Voodoo Lady:
Well... yes, but that's not what I was referring to. I am a Voodoo Priestess.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Neat.

Voodoo Lady:
You're an "autumn," by the way.

LeChuck:
[as the LeChuck toy doll] Arrr! Math be hard! Let's go shopping!

Mort:
[having just shut Guybrush in a crypt] Rest in peace, and all that.

Guybrush Threepwood:
You can count on me, Wally. Just as soon as I defeat LeChuck, rescue Elaine, set all the monkeys free, and ride the Madly Rotating Buccaneer, I'll come back to release you.

Guybrush Threepwood:
You've got to come! You're my only hope!

Voodoo Lady:
No, Guybrush. There is another.

Guybrush Threepwood:
The Diamond belongs in a museum!

King Andre:
So do post-impressionist paintings, Mr Threepwood. So do post-impressionist paintings.

Guybrush Threepwood:
What the heck is that supposed to mean?

King Andre:
Some day you will understand.

LeChuck:
Burn down every island in the Caribbean if you have to, but bring me my bride!... and more slaw! Curse the villains, they never give you enough slaw with these value meals.

Murray:
Something tells me you're not taking me very seriously.

Guybrush Threepwood:
No, no I am.

Murray:
Then let me hear you scream in terror.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I'm too scared to say anything.

Murray:
Ha ha! [laughs evilly]

Guybrush Threepwood:
[after you try and combine the nail with the magnet] Neat, a magnetic nail, completely worthless, but neat.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[looking up at Skull Island's "Skull"] I still say it looks like a duck.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[when you try to use slippery hand lotion other than for the correct purpose] I don't wanna lubricate that!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[when you try to pick up the Donkey head mask in the theatre] I don't wanna look like a jackass. [turns to look at camera] Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. So knock it off.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[when you try to pick up one of the skeletons in the coffins] [outraged] I don't need a rotting corpse!

[when you choose the anchor]

Murray:
How could you choose that anchor over me? Me? Your best friend?

Stan:
Here. Take one of my business cards that I've had made up.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Stan hands him a business card] If you've been locked in that coffin, how were you able to have business cards made?

Stan:
Now's not the time to worry about the technicalities, son. Now's the time to ask yourself: "Are you covered?"

Guybrush Threepwood:
[reading nametag] Madame Eczema.

Madame Xima:
Xima! Madame Xima, Madame Xima, Madame Xima!

Guybrush Threepwood:
How do I get out of this crypt?

Minnie Stromie Goodsoup the Ghost Bride:
There's no way out of this crypt for either of us. I must haunt this lonely tomb until I've married a man I truly love. And you can't leave because the door's locked.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I'm selling these fine leather jackets.

Wally:
[puts down his gun] Really?

Guybrush Threepwood:
No. I'm lying.

Wally:
In that case, I don't want one.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yep, sorry we couldn't make a deal.

Wally:
[takes up his gun] Cross me again and I'll chum for sharks with ya!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Well, I'm pretty tough myself!

Wally:
You! Don't make me laugh! You couldn't even grow a decent beard!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Hey... How did you know about my attempted beard?

Wally:
Er... Pirate's intuition.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[after challenging Edward to a duel] I choose the banjo!

Edward Van Helgen:
I accept.

Guybrush Threepwood:
...You do?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Is the lemonade good?

Kenny Falmouth:
Oh gosh, yes! It's a very healthful drink! Even better for you than placing leeches on your tongue.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Wow! What's the lemonade good for?

Kenny Falmouth:
It's a dandy tonic for scurvy. It'll cure all your symptoms, including, but not limited to: gradual weakening, aching muscles, sunken eyes, painful gums, ashen skin, loss of teeth, internal bleeding, the reopening of old wounds, diarrhea, kidney failure, fainting, halitosis, and death.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Will it cure evil pirate curses?

Kenny Falmouth:
No, but it has a refreshing citrus flavor with no unpleasant aftertaste.

Guybrush Threepwood:
You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee!

Pirate 3:
I look THAT much like your fiancee?

Guybrush Threepwood:
[sung] For those long cold shipboard nights/ We've got boxers, briefs and tights!/ Made from cotton, silk or satin/ Styles Anglo, Dutch or Latin!/ When you sail don't take a chance/ Wearing nothin' 'neath your pants./ Trust... Silver's Long Johns... [spoken] They breathe!

Guybrush Threepwood:
What happened to Rum Rogers, Sr.?

LeChuck:
He was takin' a bath in his cabin near Phatt Island, drinking rum and eatin' toast, as he always did while bathing, when the toaster "mysteriously" fell into the tub with him.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Shocking.

LeChuck:
His son inherited the map piece, but was too much of a drunkard to understand its importance! [laughs]

Guybrush Threepwood:
What happened to Rapp Scallion, the cook?

LeChuck:
Rapp Scallion died in a flash fire in his weenie hut on Scabb Island.

Guybrush Threepwood:
That's right! I brought him back to life with a voodoo spell! I remember it so vividly...

[Guybrush remembers reviving Rapp Scallion in 'Monkey Island 2']

LeChuck:
Guybrush?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh, I'm sorry, I was miles away. What were you saying?

LeChuck:
I knew about Rapp's absent-minded tendency to leave his gas burners on, so I arranged for a fully-lit cake to be delivered to him on his thirty-fifth birthday. [laughs] Ye could hear the explosion as far as Booty Island!

Guybrush Threepwood:
That's horrible!

LeChuck:
"Steamin' Weenie," indeed.

Guybrush Threepwood:
What became of Young Lindy, the cabin boy?

LeChuck:
Fearin' fer his life, he came to me and begged for mercy. In return for not revealing the location of Big Whoop, I let him live. As a sign of me "gratitude," I gave him a fortune which he used to build a successful advertising firm. Once he had grown accustomed to his wealthy lifestyle, I returned to collect me debt. I delivered to him an account so demonically ill-conceived that it was doomed to fail: Gangrene 'n' Honey. Within a month, he was penniless and insane, a broken man! He sold everything he owned and got so desperate he fell in with a traveling circus. He was killed when he was shot from a cannon without a helmet.

Guybrush Threepwood:
No one could be THAT desperate!

Guybrush Threepwood:
What fate befell Captain Marley?

LeChuck:
I ambushed him while he was racing in the America's Cup. I boarded his ship and decided to let him determine his own fate. He could grant me his blessing to have his granddaughter's hand in marriage, or he could suffer a death more horrible than any of his crewmates'.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Well? What'd he say?

LeChuck:
Actually, he said quite a few things. "Oh, the pain!" "Stop it, you're killing me!"

[Elaine tries to shout something through her gag]

LeChuck:
Eh, some other things. I forget them all. I left him for dead and sent his ship into a whirlpool not even the most accomplished captain could escape!

[Elaine tries to shout something again]

Guybrush Threepwood:
You're unbelievably ghastly and wretched!

LeChuck:
Oh, thanks!

Guybrush Threepwood:
I thought the treasure of Big Whoop was on Dinky Island.

LeChuck:
Dinky Island be an atoll, just off the coast a Monkey Island. But they be connected by a maze o' mysterious tunnels that run under the very ocean floor. So although ye dug fer treasure on Dinky, when ye found me carnival ye were on Monkey Island! [laughs]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Very tidy explanation.

LeChuck:
Aye!

LeChuck:
[to Guybrush] Aaargh! You again! If ye've ridden me coaster, why haven't ye been boiled in me molten pool of lava? Hmmmm... Elaine musta fiddled with me controls and rerouted the tracks. Aye, she'll be the death o' me yet... I mean, *again*! [laughs] But curses if I can't help but love the little woman.

[the pirates' song, "A Pirate I Was Meant to Be", begins]

Haggis McMutton:
We're a band of vicious pirates!

Edward Van Helgen:
A sailin' out to sea.

Cutthroat Bill:
When you hear our gentle singing...

Haggis McMutton:
You'll be sure to turn and flee!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh, this is just ridiculous.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Come on, men! We've got to recover that map!

Cutthroat Bill:
That pirate will be done for, when he falls into our trap! / We're a club of tuneful rovers!

Haggis McMutton:
We can sing in every clef!

Edward Van Helgen:
We can even hit the high notes!

Haggis McMutton:
It's just too bad we're tone deaf!

[to chorus]

[chorus]

Edward Van Helgen, Haggis McMutton, Cutthroat Bill:
A pirate I was meant to be! / Trim the sails and roam the sea!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Let's go defeat that evil pirate!

Edward Van Helgen:
We know he's sure to lose, 'cause we know just where to fire at! / We're thieving balladeers.

Haggis McMutton:
A gang of cutthroat mugs.

Cutthroat Bill:
To fight us off ye don't need guns!

Edward Van Helgen:
Just jolly good ear plugs!

[to chorus]

Guybrush Threepwood:
All right, crew, let's get to work!

Haggis McMutton:
Our vocation is a thing we love, a thing we'd never shirk. / We'll fight you in the harbor.

Cutthroat Bill:
We'll battle you on land.

Edward Van Helgen:
But when you meet singing pirates...

Guybrush Threepwood:
They'll be more than you can stand.

Cutthroat Bill:
Ooooh! That was a good one!

Guybrush Threepwood:
No, it wasn't.

Guybrush Threepwood:
No time for song! We've got to move!

Cutthroat Bill:
The battle will be long, but our courage we will prove! / We're a pack a' scurvy sea dogs.

Haggis McMutton:
Have we pity? Not a dram!

Edward Van Helgen:
We all eat roasted garlic...

Haggis McMutton:
...then sing from the diaphragm!

[to chorus]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Less singing, more sailing.

Edward Van Helgen:
When we defeat our wicked foe, his ship he will be bailing!

Cutthroat Bill:
If ye try ta fight us...

Haggis McMutton:
...you will get a nasty whackin'!

Edward Van Helgen:
If ya disrespect our singing...

Cutthroat Bill:
...we will feed ya to a kraken!

[to chorus]

Guybrush Threepwood:
I'm getting so sick of you guys and your rhyming.

Haggis McMutton:
We're ready to set sail, through the cannons need a priming.

Edward Van Helgen:
We're troublesome corsairs!

Cutthroat Bill:
And we've come to steal your treasures!

Haggis McMutton:
We would shoot you on the downbeat...

Edward Van Helgen:
...but we have to rest five measures.

[to chorus]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Stop! Stop! Stop!

Cutthroat Bill:
The brass is what we'll polish and the deck is what we'll mop.

Guybrush Threepwood:
You say you're nasty pirates, / scheming, thieving, bad bushwhackers? / From what I've seen I tell you, / you're not pirates! You're just slackers!

[to chorus]

Guybrush Threepwood:
We'll surely avoid scurvy if we all eat an orange.

Haggis McMutton:
And...!... um...

Cutthroat Bill:
Well...

Edward Van Helgen:
...er...

Cutthroat Bill:
Door hinge?

Edward Van Helgen:
No, no...

Cutthroat Bill:
Guess the song's over, then.

Haggis McMutton:
Guess so.

Edward Van Helgen:
Okay, back to work.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Well gee. I feel a little guilty, now.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Throughout the Caribbean my great deeds are celebrated!

Pirate 5:
Too bad they're all fabricated.

[last lines]

Son Pirate:
This carnival is great, dad!

Father Pirate:
It sure is, son. But you know, rumor has it that the man who built this place is buried here. And they say that, to this day, his frozen body remains in the tunnels somewhere beneath the amusement park.

[LeChuck's theme plays once more]

[first lines]

Guybrush Threepwood:
[voiceover] Captain's log: Guybrush Threepwood. Lost at sea for days now. I have no crew or navigational instruments. No provisions except a half-eaten corn-dog and, unless I find water soon, I'm surely done for. Only the hope of finding my love, Elaine, keeps me going.

LeChuck:
By my congealed blood, you'll learn to love me! Sail with me and I'll make ya queen of the dead!

Elaine Marley:
I... I can't. I'm washing my hair tonight.

Wally:
[aiming his pistol at Guybrush] Ya scabrous swab! One more word and I'll let you have it!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Word.

Wally:
That's it! I'm gonna blast ya! I'm gonna... I'm... gonna...

[sniffs]

Wally:
Oh, I can't do it! I just can't!

[sobs]

Wally:
You're right, Mr. Wood!

[puts his pistol away]

Wally:
I'm just not a pirate! I'm not ferocious, or bloodthirsty, or hateful, or anything! I'm not even... I'm not even unpleasant!

[falls on his knees and buries his face in his hands and hits himself with his hook]

Wally:
Oh!

[throws the hook away]

Wally:
Waaaaaaaaah!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh, there, there.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I want to know more about variable-rate mortgages.

Voodoo Lady:
Bad idea. Though attractive to the first-time homeowner, the rate reacts wildly to fluctuations in the market and can work against the buyer over time. You're best off starting with a 20 percent down payment and a variable-rate mortgage, then refinancing at a fixed rate after one or two years, as the market warrants.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Could you repeat that?

Voodoo Lady:
No.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I want to know more about a career in TV and VCR repair.

Voodoo Lady:
So you want to make more money?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Sure, we all do!

Voodoo Lady:
Stick to pirating.

Captain Blondebeard:
I love the outdoors, especially the beach. Why, I'm in fact a member o' the Brimstone Beach Club and Smorgy. Been a member there for years.

Guybrush Threepwood:
How did you become a member?

Captain Blondebeard:
I threatened to run 'em all through!

Murray:
[Guybrush, covered in feathers, enters the swamp] El Pollo Diablo! At last, one of my demonic brethren, come to set me free!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh, brother.

Murray:
Come, release me, so that I might run free alongside you as we terrorize the mortals of this island!

Guybrush Threepwood:
I'm out of here.

Murray:
Wait! Don't leave!

Wharf Rat:
Did you just hear something?

Guybrush Threepwood:
No.

Wharf Rat:
Weird.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Maybe it's the acoustics of that smelly giant head.

Wharf Rat:
Shut up, kid!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Elaine, I'm a man of action, a swashbuckler, a rogue, a wanderer. A man who can hold his breath for ten minutes! I have no ties and no regrets. I sail with the wind and go where adventure takes me. But somehow, something always leads me...

Elaine Marley:
Guybrush, stop babbling.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Elaine, will you marry me?

Lemonhead:
Ah, Monkey Island. We had a nice village there. Rent controlled huts, close to the good schools. Those were the salad days, so to speak, until they put in that darned carnival.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Carnival?

Lemonhead:
Yes, carnival. Just as soon as they put up the first tent... WHOOSH! The whole place becomes TRENDY. Sailors coming in all times of the night, that awful music droning on and on, and to be honest with you, [sotto] I think the midway games are rigged.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yeah, yeah.