The Dead Pool

Peter Swan:
Do you mind, gentlemen? I happen to be at a funeral.

Harry Callahan:
Like to talk to you about your list.

Peter Swan:
It's no big secret. Most of the cast and crew knew about it. I didn't tell you because the dead pool is just a harmless game.

Harry Callahan:
Sounds pretty sick to me.

Peter Swan:
Let me tell you something, Callahan. People... people are fascinated with death and violence. That's why my films make money. They're an escape, a vicarious release of fear. Same thing with this game. Nobody takes my films *or* the dead pool seriously.

Harry Callahan:
Well, someone gave Squares the drugs that killed him - maybe it was you.

Peter Swan:
You can't tie me into Johnny's death just because of a coincidence. My assistant and my effects supervisor were playing the game too, why don't you talk to them?

Harry Callahan:
Oh, we will - but nobody on their list is dead yet.

Peter Swan:
Hey, look, Callahan, Johnny was a major drugs user, and I predicted he'd die this year, but that's all I did. Don't you get it? The whole idea is to pick celebrities who aren't going to make it, because they're old, or because they're sick or because they're in a high-risk profession.

Harry Callahan:
Like police work?

Peter Swan:
Nothing personal, love.

Harry Callahan:
I don't like your list, Swan. I don't like being on it.

Peter Swan:
Ah, that's, that's what this is really all about, isn't it? Well, if you got a charge to make...

Harry Callahan:
Maybe I'll start my own dead pool, and put you on it.

Peter Swan:
You threatening me?

Harry Callahan:
You want to play the game, you'd better know the rules, love.

Capt. Donnelly:
13,453 dollars and 63 cents. That's how much an unmarked squad car costs this department. That's the third goddamned car you trashed this month.

Harry Callahan:
Lou Janero.

Capt. Donnelly:
What?

Harry Callahan:
It's his men who shot up the car, why don't you send him the bill?

Suzanne Dayton:
[hysterical with grief and restrained by uniformed officers] No! No!

[Samantha and her camera crew surround Suzanne, the camera is inches from her face]

Samantha Walker:
[to her cameraman] I said keep shooting, right in there.

[Callahan, angry, wades into the melee]

Harry Callahan:
Back off with that camera!

Samantha Walker:
Hey! I can film whatever I want! Keep shooting!

Harry Callahan:
I said knock the camera off... [something unintelligible as he wrestles the camera away and hurls it as far as he can. It bounces down some steps and breaks apart]

Samantha Walker:
Smart.

Harry Callahan:
[after partner karated a crook] Well, personally I think teaming up with a Chinese American is good for the department's image.

Capt. Donnelly:
[with sheet of paper] You know what this is, Callahan? It's a bill for a TV camera and lens. When I told you to stop wrecking our cars, I didn't mean go out and find something else to destroy!

Harry Callahan:
They were interfering with an official investigation, Sir.

Lt. Ackerman:
Don't give us that. Is this your idea of cooperation with the media?

Harry Callahan:
Cooperation works two ways, Lieutenant.

Lt. Ackerman:
Just what is it you have against reporters, Callahan?

Harry Callahan:
Well some of them are just marvellous people. But others like to walk through a pile and track it through an investigation. I don't like that.

Lt. Ackerman:
Well you'd better change your attitude fast, Callahan, because unless we come to some kind of an agreement with these people, it's just liable to cost this city two million dollars and your career! [ushers in reporter] Would you join us please? This is Miss Samantha Walker of Station KWSF. Captain Donnelly...

Capt. Donnelly:
Miss Walker...

Samantha Walker:
Captain...

Lt. Ackerman:
And this is Inspector...

Samantha Walker:
...Callahan. Yes, we've met.

Lt. Ackerman:
Oh yes, of course. Will you sit down?

Samantha Walker:
Oh, thank you.

Capt. Donnelly:
Miss Walker, ah, Lt. Ackerman here tells me you have a proposal to make, er, regarding the accidental damage to a television camera.

Samantha Walker:
[sweetly] Oh, there was nothing accidental about it, Captain.

Capt. Donnelly:
Well, I think the department might have something else to say about that.

Samantha Walker:
Well, although the camera itself was destroyed, I have the entire incident on video.

Capt. Donnelly:
I see. [glares at Callahan] And your proposal?

Samantha Walker:
We may be willing to drop the lawsuit against the city... but that all depends on Inspector Callahan.

Lt. Ackerman:
Well I'm sure the Inspector would be more than willing to cooperate in any...

Harry Callahan:
Just what do you have in mind?

Samantha Walker:
Dinner. [the men all stare at one other]

Samantha Walker:
[after Harry signed personal autograph] Was this your first autograph?

Harry Callahan:
Yeah, and I hope my last.

Gus Wheeler:
[drenched in gasoline and with flare] You all stay back! Everyone! It's gonna go up. Where's the news crew? You better get them here! I mean it, now!

Harry Callahan:
Ed Butler may be an alias for Rook. [gets in Capt. Donnelly's car]

Capt. Donnelly:
[standing beside car holding car's radio microphone] Harry, where are you going? Harry? Harry!

[the mike lead snaps as Callahan drives off]

Capt. Donnelly:
That's my car!

Harlan Rook:
Did you ever notice how time seems to slow down at night?

Harry Callahan:
Do you have any kids, lieutenant?

Lt. Ackerman:
Me? No.

Harry Callahan:
Lucky for them.

Harry Callahan:
[friendly] You forgot your fortune cookie!

Gunman #1:
[confused, yells] What?

Harry Callahan:
It says... [pauses] "You're sh*t outta luck!" [Harry shoots him]

Peter Swan:
[to Harry and his partner] Why the *f**** are you people harassing me?

Harry Callahan:
[points out the biggest, nastiest-looking guy in the prison to Janero] See that gorilla down there? That's Butcher Hicks... and he's killed three men. You know how he did it? He tore 'em apart with his teeth! Didn't even find all the pieces... you might say he has an unhealthy appetite.

Lou Janero:
[nervous, but trying not to show it] So what?

Harry Callahan:
So Hicks there is my new pen pal. I'm going to be sending him a letter once a week, and I'm going to be telling him how I'm gonna be looking in on his sick mother, and how I'm trying to get him special privileges here at the prison. And you know what's the interesting part? The interesting part is if anything happens to me, and Hicks doesn't get his letter, he's going to be really pissed off, and he's going to come down here and see you because you're the mail man. In fact he'll probably come down here to this post office and cancel your ass like a stamp. So you'd better ensure prompt, courteous delivery, and pray that nothing happens to me.

Butcher Hicks:
[Harry pays Hicks his box of smokes for just standing] That's it?

Harry Callahan:
That's it. Oh, you see that dirtbag I was talking to down there?

[points to Janero]

Harry Callahan:
He says that smoking can cause cancer, and anyone who smokes as much as you do is one dumb son-of-a-b*tch!

[Hicks growls menacingly and stares daggers at Janero who shuts himself back in his cell]

[arguing with Johnny Squares]

Peter Swan:
This is not a rip-off. It's an homage, you stupid...

Harry Callahan:
Well, opinions are like a**holes. Everybody has one.

Harry Callahan:
Do you like cops?

Samantha Walker:
As long as they're not in my rearview mirror.

Harlan Rook:
Now you've locked yourself in, a**hole!

Harry Callahan:
Yeah. Just you and me, a**hole.

Harry Callahan:
You're out of bullets. And you know what that means... you're sh*t outta luck.

Harry Callahan:
F*** with me, buddy, I'll kick your ass so hard you'll have to unbutton your collar to sh*t.

Harry Callahan:
She's right. Oh you can set yourself into a bonfire, we'll break out the marshmallows and the weenies, but you ain't gonna be on "News at Eleven".

Peter Swan:
Don't worry, Johnny's like a trained seal. Throw him a fish, he'll perform.

Insp. Al Quan:
It's like I was telling you, Harry. Celebrities, they always die in...

Harry Callahan:
...in threes.

Insp. Al Quan:
At least the guy went out with...

Harry Callahan:
...a bang. Yeah, I know.

Capt. Donnelly:
Where's Rook?

Harry Callahan:
He's hanging out back there.

Harry Callahan:
Oh you can set yourself into a bonfire and we'll break out the marshmallows and the weenies but you ain't gonna be on News at Eleven.

Harlan Rook:
[while holding Samantha hostage, in his arm] You let me down, "Mr. Famous F***in' Cop". You let Swan, get away!