The Dream Team

[Some patrons are harassing a waitress]

Billy:
You guys need to pay up and get out of here.

Drunk:
Who the hell are you?

[Billy grabs the drunk by the hair and slams his face on the table]

Billy:
I'm an escaped mental patient with a history of violence.

Billy:
Yeah, I got a big story for ya'; we came to town to see a ball game, and now they wanna give us the chair. I love New York. Bring your kids. Have 'em arrested. Do some time in The Big Apple.

[Jack McDermott sits nude in his room and drinks red wine]

Jack McDermott:
This is the body and blood of our savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. And a damned fine Beaujolais!

Jack McDermott:
I don't want him next to me. He smells like tuna fish.

Billy:
Ah, it's great to be young and insane!

Billy:
Restaurant security. Just a minor utensil violation. Go ahead, enjoy your dinner.

Dr. Weitzman:
There's about 65,000 seats up at that stadium. But I don't want you to get your hopes up, because they're all screwed down.

Jack McDermott:
I am the Lord they God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before Me. Out of my way, a**hole.

[Their van is being towed]

Jack:
Stop! Who dares to tow the van of the living Christ?

Driver:
The city of New York, Tarzan! $50 for the violation, $75 for the tow and $20 a day for storage.

Jack:
[Skyward] Father, forgive us for we have sinned! We parked our car in a forbidden zone!

Henry:
The doctor will be back soon. We're on a very tight schedule.

[That night, they're still in the van. No doctor]

Billy:
How do you like the game so far? I'm having a ball. Great seats huh guys? it's funny the hot dog guy hasn't been around.

Jack McDermott:
What about dinner? Who's gonna get us our dinner?

Billy:
"Who's gonna get us our..." aren't you the same guy who changed water into wine? Huh? J.C.? Ain't the son of God good for a burger in his town? You get us something!

Jack McDermott:
That's not funny. You're a very disturbed young man.

Billy:
Man you don't know how disturbed I am.

Sergeant Vincente:
You know what? You got the whole think back-ass-wards, I think you're the missing persons. Just go to 48th street and wait. The guy doesn't show, we're open 24 hours.

[Answers phone]

Sergeant Vincente:
Hello, Vincente.

Billy:
We're not done!

Sergeant Vincente:
You're done, it's been a pleasure.

Billy:
Hey, we used to be tax payers!

Sergeant Vincente:
Now that will get my attention. You're not out of here in 30 seconds, you got a night in jail!

Billy:
What kind of bonehead cop would send four confessed mental patients back out in the streets?

Billy:
Where the hell did you go to take that piss? Moscow?

Henry:
I'm the doctor until the doctor comes back!

Billy:
Okay, you be the doctor and I'll be the escaped mental patient, okay? [Kicks the van and walks off]

[In a bar]

Henry:
Would you mind cleaning up your area? Nobody likes a Mr. Messy.

Patron #1:
F*** you.

Henry:
[to Patron #2] He refuses to clean up his area.

Patron #2:
Leave me alone, jerk-off.

Henry:
Do I sense some hostility here?

Jack:
[Begins to undress] We are all naked in the eyes of the lord.

Henry:
STOP! This man is clinically insane! He is presently undergoing treatment at Cedarbrook Hospital under my supervision!

Henry:
Does this mean we are actually leaving the hospital grounds?

Billy:
No, the Yankees are going to come here and play. There gonna throw some lights up in the rec room. What a stroker.

Billy:
You guys see Wolfen? They filmed it down here. You know, the movie about those gigantic wolves that come out at night. They eat people and rip their guts open, man, got kinda sh*t hangin' out of their mouths and stuff. And they would live for an hour or so, just lay there twitching and stuff. They filmed it here because this is exactlly where it happened. It's a true story. [Howls]

Henry:
10 minutes and 47 seconds, Mr. Caufield. Boy, some patients make a therapist want to shake his head. [Billy kicks a chair out of the semi-circle and sits down] Straighten out that chair!

Billy:
Henry, imagine this: my chair is straight and all the other chairs are out of order. There's a real mind-bender for you there.

Henry:
[Holds up the cupcake Albert had stolen] This is NOT okay.

Dr. Weitzman:
What's that?

Henry:
This is Brian's cupcake. Every day an innocent man is deprived of his dessertwhile we sit here and do nothing.

Billy:
[sarcastically] Ooh, you could do some time for that, Big Al. Ooh! Brian's cupcake. Doc, I say we drag him outside and beat the sh*t out of him.

Dr. Weitzman:
Guys, guys, Brian isn't complaining so let's just drop it, alright? Don't worry about the cupcake, Albert.

Jack:
Great! Breakfast. I'm starved.

Henry:
That's not ours. That's Ed's.

Jack:
Did Ed make the sun shine? Did Ed make the wheat grow?

Henry:
I don't know the man.

Guard:
Come on, you're breaking my heart.

Billy:
You're busting my balls.

Jack:
I fear my doctor may have been seized by the Romans!

Henry:
Hey guys, time for a hug?

Jack:
I don't think so.

Billy:
Maybe after the game.

Albert:
Play ball!

Dr. Weitzman:
Hey Billy, we gotta go. Are you sure you can drive this thing?

Billy:
Are you kidding? I finished second at Daytona.

Caesar:
[Aims gun at Billy, Henry, Jack and Albert] My name is Caesar. Mr. Nivens asked me to stop you. I must request you not move.

Billy:
Put that thing away, you hold it like a goddamn doorman.

Caesar:
I am the doorman.

Billy:
Then get us a cab.

Billy:
Now I've played some of the top Chinese guys, and I tell ya if you ever whip up a serve to go along with that backhand... it's gonna be a dark day in Peking, babe!

Gianelli:
I'll shoot the girl.

Billy:
Go ahead. I got lot's of girlfriends.

Gianelli:
I'm a police officer. Drop the gun!

Billy:
I'm a mental patient. I'm not impressed.

Gianelli:
You're not this crazy, are you?

Billy:
Actually, this is my idea of a good time.

Billy:
Does Ed go out the window? Let's have a show of hands. [to Ed] You can vote too, it's America.

Dr. Verboven:
Jack, Jesus Christ would never point a gun at another human being.

Jack McDermott:
Stay out of my psychosis! Now get your ass in that van.

Dr. Weitzman:
Henry, the kitchen made us some brownies. I'd like you to be in charge of passing them out.

Henry:
Okay,

[points to Jack]

Henry:
but none for the bishop of bullshit.

Billy:
We're a special combat unit looking for some Libyan terrorists. In fact, I think we have them cornered at a bagel shop across the street. Now if we could just get some pants for the colonel.

Bernie:
Give me a break.

Billy:
Alright, we're four escaped lunatics.

Bernie:
This I believe.

Billy:
You probably want us out of here as quickly as possible, right?

Bernie:
I'm prepared to carry you in my arms.

Henry:
Can you recommend a good clinical psychiatrist in the area? We seem to have lost ours.

[They are under a large cardboard box in the rain]

Henry:
I think we should review our goals.

Billy:
Review our goals. Wacko, we gotta find the doctor.

Henry:
Who put you in charge? I'm in charge here.

Jack:
Read the New Testament, Sparky. You'll find out who's in charge.

Billy:
Get outta the way!

[They bump a pedestrian]

Billy:
Albert, you step on my foot one more time, I'm gonna kill ya!

Albert:
Kill the ump!

Jack:
Why does a grown man have to smell like tuna fish?

Gianelli:
[Pointing to his gun] I'll use this.

Jack:
I have died and been reborn. I can do it again, buster.

Bernie:
[to Jack in his new clothes] I'm telling you it works. It's a statement, man. You know who you are.

Billy:
No he doesn't.

Billy:
We gotta come up with $165, get the van and pull Weitzman out of the hospital before those two goddamn cops come back. Now how's that for a goal?

Jack:
Us? But we're crazy.

Billy:
Yeah? Well we better get sane real goddamn fast.

Giant Chicken:
Leiter's unbelievable. The man could throw a lamb chop passed the goddamn wolf.

Billy:
Can we go now?

Dr. Weitzman:
Billy, every week you get up and say, "Can we go now?" And every week I tell you we haven't heard from Albert yet.

Billy:
Nobody's ever heard from Albert. I've had better conversations with cheese.

Dr. Weitzman:
[Billy has thrown chairs about, including one into the window] Looks like one of our chairs tried to make a break for it, eh?

Billy:
You see those two towers? World Trade Center. I was an architect working on them. First they just wanted to build one but I said, "Fellas, we're here. What the hell, throw the other one up". Turned out pretty well, didn't it?

Henry:
Fantasy.

Billy:
Look, I don't think I'm Elvis, alright? I don't carry on conversations with my dog, I don't put on a dress and dance around Times Square.

Officer:
Impressive credentials.

Billy:
I just want you guys to believe me. They're two cops and they can come back at any tie.

Officer #2:
Oh, a conspiracy. Is this the one with the ghost of Lee Harvey Oswald?

[Laughs]

Billy:
Actually, I lied. Once I did put on a dress and dance around Times Square, but I was with Elvis. My dog told me to do it so you can't really blame me, can you?

Woman:
Jerry, I need two Rum Collins, two Jack Daniels, one on the rocks, and a Heineken.

Bartender:
[to Henry] What'll it be?

Henry:
Jerry, I need two Rum Collins, two Jack Daniels, one on the rocks, and a Heineken. Please.

Jack:
You told me you played for the New York Rangers.

Billy:
Are you saying I didn't?

Dr. Weitzman:
Attacking a referee on the ice doesn't make you a hockey player either.

Billy:
That guy had no right to be an NHL referee!

Dr. Weitzman:
Although it did get you into our little group, didn't it?

Billy:
[about why he threw a chair through the window] I'm sorry. I just flashed back to 'Nam.

Dr. Weitzman:
You never made it to Vietnam, Bill.

Henry:
He's too violent for Vietnam.

Jack:
I was pulling down a hundred big ones a year while you and Satan were chasing Daryl Hannah!

Jack:
You two should be cast into the outer darkness. The rec hall will look pretty damn good from the bowels of Hell.

Billy:
I got news for you. You're gonna be the first Supreme Being EVER TO MAKE A LICENSE PLATE!

Jack:
Hey Murray, congratulations. Benson called while I was in there. You got the Natachi account.

Murray:
We got it? Really, we got it? [Dances and shouts] We got the Natachi account! We got the Natachi account.

Jack:
Hey Murray, just kidding! Wah wah wah wah.

Billy:
We're gonna have to search all these hospitals ourselves. [Looks at a page he tore out of the phone book]

Henry:
That's public property.

Billy:
Yeah? Watch this: public property... [folds the page and puts it in his pocket] Private property.

Henry:
Vandal.

Henry:
[in the hospital room of whom they think is Dr. Weitzman] Father, may I say a few words? I knew this man perhaps better than anyone here. I pledge to continue his work for as long as I live. [near tears] He devoted his life to the treatment for the insane.

Billy:
[looks at the corpse - turns to Henry] Henry, may I say a few words?

Henry:
Oh certainly, William.

Billy:
It's not him.

Henry:
[after pause] Perhaps I'd better bring my remarks to a close.

Pastor Lester:
I want to put Jesus on the line! Don't hang up on him now!

Jack:
I drove the moneylenders from the temple. I can handle a ten-spot.

Jack:
Let me hold the gun.

Henry:
No.

Jack:
I let you sit in the front seat!

Dr. Weitzman:
Good, good. Next week we'll work on leaving all the rest of the pieces of paper in the world right where they are. You are gonna find out that chaos is O.K, Henry.

Billy:
Chaos is great.

Billy:
[referring to Jack] We're looking for something casual for the Son of God.

Bernie:
How much does the Supreme Being wanna spend?

Jack:
How about a nice Harris tweed with a blue Oxford button-down and maybe a nice Countess Mara tie, eh, sport?

Billy:
[to the guys] Look, why don't you guys browse around for a while.

[They just stand there]

Billy:
Browse!

Billy:
All I'm saying's let's stretch that clothing dollar!

Bernie:
How much stretch we talkin' about?

Pastor Lester:
Who is gonna witness for me? We got the Lord on the line! Who's gonna take the call? Please don't leave God on hold!

Billy:
[On the phone with a nurse while trying to locate Dr. Weitzman] Hey, your voice is familiar, what's your name? [pause] Helen Grabowski? This is Billy Caufield, you treated me for a scalp laceration last year. [pause] Yeah, self-inflicted. It was a bet, you know.

Henry:
Dr. Newald's going to be very, very, very upset. I'm going to have to make a full report.

Jack McDermott:
You're a sick man. It's a sickness of the soul. [flips Henry the finger] Put *this* in your report!

Albert:
Foul ball!