The Drew Carey Show

[Upon seeing Drew's look-alike]

Mimi Bobeck:
So much crap they had to start a second pile.

Nigel Wick:
[to Mimi] Hey, Stella. Get your groove back.

Larry Almada:
An Englishman. Well, it's almost like a woman.

The Disciplinarian:
This beer kicked my ass!

Drew Carey:
Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!

Mimi Bobeck:
Write down a number you think is fair... and shove it up your ass!

Drew Carey:
Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.

Drew Carey:
If frogs could fly... well we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?

Lewis Kiniski:
I don't say this often but grrrrrrr.

Mimi Bobeck:
You're late.

Drew Carey:
I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning.

Mimi Bobeck:
Remember, lift with the knees.

Drew Carey:
You know, I had such a great time with my band last night that even seeing you couldn't affect it. OK, that's not true.

Mimi Bobeck:
Your lips say goodbye, but your ass says, still here!

Drew Carey:
Oh, you hate your job? Oh my god, well why didn't you say so? You know there's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar!

Drew Carey:
I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.

[On sex]

Lewis Kiniski:
One person's always disappointed. So far, I've been lucky; it's always been the woman.

Lewis Kiniski:
If you hurt my sister they will never find any piece of you! Not even your glasses! Remember, I am a janitor, I know how to dispose of things!

Drew Carey:
Is that a threat?

Lewis Kiniski:
You want me to sing it to ya?

Drew Carey:
Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

Drew Carey:
Is that the most terrible sound you've ever heard?

Lewis Kiniski:
Have you ever tried to start your car with a cat sleeping on the intake manifold?

Drew Carey:
No.

Lewis Kiniski:
Then yes, that's the worst sound you ever heard.

Mimi Bobeck:
Ah, spring. When a young man's fancy turns my stomach.

Drew Carey:
When was the last time you saw a young man's fancy?

Mimi Bobeck:
When was the last time you saw *your* fancy?

Lewis Kiniski:
Man... what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Champagne flutes?

Lewis Kiniski:
You read my mind.

Mimi Bobeck:
I cracked Mr. Wick's secret password. It's "Mr. Wick".

Drew Carey:
He might as well just use the word "password".

[Drew's in a coma]

Steve Carey:
Is he going to live?

Doctor:
Well, he could just wake up, or he'll need a shock to his system.

Steve Carey:
A shock... [turns to Mimi] Honey, this is your department.

Nigel Wick:
[looking at Mimi's vagina as she's about to give birth] It's like a portal into another dimension!

[Drew awakes from his coma]

Drew Carey:
How long was I out for?

Lewis Kiniski:
A long time, Drew. It's 2137. I'm the great-grandson of Lewis Kiniski, the first human emperor. Unfortunately, you are my slave.

Drew Carey:
Kate, how long was I really out for?

Lewis Kiniski:
Silence, slave!

Drew Carey:
They always spell my name wrong on my paycheck! Look at what it says: "Drew Fairy". Last week, it was "Screw Carey".

Lewis Kiniski:
Looks like every week it's Screw Carey.

Lewis Kiniski:
Mimi, if you lose the bet, you'll have to name your baby after us. Lewis Oswald.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
No, no. Oswald Lewis.

Lewis Kiniski:
[after much careful thought] Loswald!

Lewis Kiniski:
[to Kate] You're just jealous because you don't have an electric wheelchair.

Weird killer in bar:
All right, all right, I admit it. I killed him. But by the time they catch me, I'll be in Mexico... . I mean Canada.

[Drew and his scouts are singing a "special" song]

Drew Carey:
Who's that in the office, stinking up the place? Mimi! Mimi! Your butt looks like your face!

[Drew realizes that he's the only one singing]

Drew Carey:
What the hell are you?

Timmy:
A good scout never insults people.

Drew Carey:
Yeah, but that's thing, Timmy.

[gestures towards Mimi]

Drew Carey:
That's not people.

Mimi Bobeck:
You know, kids, Drew's head is just like a pi?ata. If you hit his head enough times when he's sleeping, candy comes out.

[the kids gasp]

Mimi Bobeck:
Well, first blood, then candy. Keep hitting.

Lewis Kiniski:
Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.

Mimi Bobeck:
I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I have to do everything in threes. That's kinda how I got my reputation in school as a slut.

Nigel Wick:
Good Lord, Carey! I believe you just stumbled upon the recipe for "Suck"!

[Disucssing Vegitarianism and Animal Rights]

Rachel Murray:
Come On Drew, haven't you ever been passionate about anything in your life?

Drew Carey:
Yes, my hatred of the XFL!

Drew Carey:
What's wrong, Mimi? I think you look pale, but I can't tell.

Kate O'Brien:
What are you doing here?

Lewis Kiniski:
Well, I'm not freezing my penis! That's for sure!

Kate O'Brien:
Hmmm... I never get the answer I think I'm going to get.

[On Drew's learning that his ex-girlfriend was getting married]

Mimi Bobeck:
Drew, look into my eyes and tell me you don't feel like crying.

Drew Carey:
There's not a man alive who could pass that test, Mimi.

[discussing Drew's cyber date]

Kate O'Brien:
Yeah, is pathetisad a word?

Drew Carey:
Hey, whatever BeerStud3 and HoneyBee23 do is their own business.

Kate O'Brien:
Beer stud? Forget pathetisad, is weirdork a word?

Drew Carey:
How bout sarcastibitch.

Lewis Kiniski:
I am a toilet of sadness. Oh well, at least I'm not a dying whore.

Drew Carey:
You can lie to me, you can lie in court. If you want, you can even lie in front of my car, but you will never beat this machine.

Lewis Kiniski:
Drew, we found the Bed and Breakfast where the lesbians are staying!

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Yeah, we rented the room next door and the walls are paper thin!

Drew Carey:
I want to be a scoutmaster. [pause] Tomorrow.

Lewis Kiniski:
You know what our Little League coach used to tell us: 'Hey, drink it off, buddy.'

Drew Carey:
I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's b*tch.

Mimi Bobeck:
Bite me, pig!

Drew Carey:
[to Mimi] Bing... Bam... Boom: the sound three mirrors make when you look at them.

Kate O'Brien:
Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible.

Lewis Kiniski:
Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take *that* away from me?

[about Mimi]

Celia:
What makes her so mean?

Drew Carey:
Deep down inside of her, there's a scared little girl... and she's giving her indigestion.

Celia:
You don't take no for an answer, do you?

Drew Carey:
Hey, it's my style. If you can't dazzle, wear 'em down.

Mimi Bobeck:
This prank brought to you by Mimi Bobek. Bobek - humiliating pigs since 1995.

Drew Carey:
Wow! Another steaming pile of good news!

Kate O'Brien:
Oswald, how do I look?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.

Kate O'Brien:
Oswald!

Drew Carey:
Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.

Kate O'Brien:
Oh.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
It starts at three.

Mimi Bobeck:
MR. WICK! Drew's too fat to do his job!

[a depressed Drew thinks he's been fired, and sings "High Hopes"]

Drew Carey:
[sobbing and singing] I've got high hopes, I've got... high hopes. I've got... high apple pie-in-the... [sniffs]... sky hopes... [to on-looking workers] EVERYBODY!... Every time you're feeling low, here's the way to go... just remember that ant... Oops, there goes ten years of my life!

Lewis Kiniski:
I am sick of hearing about poor Drew. "Oh, my house is too big, I have too many wives! I just clogged up my toilet 'cause I crapped a solid gold brick!"

[a replica of Cleveland made from Legos blocks his path]

Drew Carey:
My hero, Gandhi, would find a non-violent solution. My other hero, Godzilla, would do this. [crashes through Legos]

Lewis Kiniski:
Well Drew, This may just be the medication talking, but women are like street cars, they're big and they have bells that go "clang clang clang clang clang!"

Nigel Wick:
Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?

Drew Carey:
Yeah.

Nigel Wick:
Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.

[after Drew grabs one of Mimi's trolls]

Mimi Bobeck:
Hey! Don't touch the troll!

Drew Carey:
Is that what your mother told your dates?

Drew Carey:
I think I should help people.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere...

[Wick's mother tied Drew up and is about to have sex with him]

Wick's mom:
I have to help my Nigel any way I can. I can change your mind about this job. I've changed many mens' minds.

Drew Carey:
Was one of them Elton John?

Lewis Kiniski:
It's a great day. Drew's got a new job, Kate got a promotion, and the manager at Drug-Co is paying me off so I won't talk about their new experiment.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Really?

Lewis Kiniski:
Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
How much is he going to pay you?

Lewis Kiniski:
I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in.

Kate O'Brien:
I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings.

[Lewis's mother just told Drew that Lewis has an I.Q. of 162]

Drew Carey:
I'm going to have to tell him. Maybe now, he'll know why he has so much trouble connecting with people. I just hope he takes it well.

[cut to an outside shot of Drew's house]

Lewis Kiniski:
BOW DOWN BEFORE MY GIANT BRAIN. [laughs hysterically]

[about her baseball playing]

Mimi Bobeck:
I protect home plate, like a Mormon girl on prom night.

Drew Carey:
If Mormon girls looked like you, they wouldn't need protection.

Steve Carey:
Bro, I wanted to tell you something for a long time... I play for the other team.

Lewis Kiniski:
I knew it, he's gay.

Steve Carey:
No, I mean the other softball team. And, if you think I'm gay, well... talk to the hand. [sticks out his hand]

Lewis Kiniski:
[to Steve's hand] Oh, hello.

[Drew and Oswald accidentally spray Lewis with a liquid that attracts eagles, and run inside]

Lewis Kiniski:
Open the door! Open the door, for god's sake! [the eagle doesn't show up] What, I'm not good enough for ya?

Drew Carey:
If the eagle didn't show, then what does it attract?

[Lewis is suddenly attacked by a pack of squirrels]

Lewis Kiniski:
Help! Help! Let me in!

Drew Carey:
You know, I'd run for cover, if I were you.

Lewis Kiniski:
Because eagles eat squirrels.

[Mimi kicked Steve out]

Drew Carey:
So, where are you staying?

Steve Carey:
A hotel.

Drew Carey:
You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.

Steve Carey:
Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?

Steve Carey:
Really?

Lewis Kiniski:
Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.

[Lewis ate a human liver that Oswald brought home for his med class]

Lewis Kiniski:
I'm a freak! I need some time alone!

[Opens the door, at the same time that Milan comes in. Lewis makes sucking noises, creeping her out and leaves]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I hope he's going to be all right.

[Oswald stands up, bangs his leg on the table, and limps outside]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver.

Milan:
Hi, Drew... I see why you drink...

Woman:
Oswald? Oswald Harvey?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
That's what it says on my underwear.

Woman:
Hi, you probably don't remember me. I used to sit next to you, in homeroom class.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Oh, yeah... How could I not remember you. By the way, you remember that girl that had the same first name is you. What was her name?

Kate O'Brien:
I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Did I get drunk?

Kate O'Brien:
We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes!

Oswald Lee Harvey:
But, did I get drunk?

Drew Carey:
Hey, what were you doing upstairs?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I was using your blow dryer to defrost my crotch.

Drew Carey:
Well, you just bought yourself a blow dryer mister!

Drew Carey:
I have a question to ask. Am I healthy?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I have an idea. Well at least hear me out first!

Drew Carey:
Uhh, Oswald nobody objected.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you.

[pause]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Why are you looking at me approvingly?

Drew Carey:
Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title.

Steve Carey:
Did it ever occur to you, that every time you look at Saturn, there may be another sad and lonely guy looking at you through a telescope?

Drew Carey:
Did it ever occur to you, that you're the only one here who has to wear sunscreen on his head?

[Everyone thinks Drew is crazy]

Employee:
He's here! Get down!

[Everyone ducks]

Drew Carey:
Look, I don't want everybody being afraid...

[Everyone starts getting up]

Drew Carey:
Did I say get up?

[Drew is arrested for trying to kill Mimi]

Officer:
Is it true, Mr. Carey that you harbor violent feelings for Mrs. Bobek?

Drew Carey:
That's ridiculous.

Officer:
If it's that ridiculous, why did 20 coworkers hear you say [reads statement] "I'm going to kill you"?

Drew Carey:
That's just a figure of speech!

Officer:
[continues reading from statement] "That's not a figure of speech. You are dead!"

Drew Carey:
No, you're reading it all wrong. [happily] I'm gonna kill ya! That's not a figure of speech, yoooouuu'rrrrre dead! [pause] I want a lawyer.

Steve Carey:
Look, dad, this isn't easy for us.

Drew Carey:
Can't you, at least, make an effort?

George Carey:
Now, you listen to me. While most guys were pushing pencils, I was torching commies out of caves in Korea. I've worked at a job I hated for 40 years. I've raised two boys. I'm tired, damn it! I just want to lay there and get mine!

Drew Carey:
So, Mr. Wick, you're off to see your girlfriend.

Nigel Wick:
Yes, I got all I need. Flowers and 100$.

Drew Carey:
Ok...

Nigel Wick:
Oh, yes. You see, she's always in need of money the poor thing. But I don't let that bother me. She's very nice, and shy. The girl won't even let me kiss her.

Drew Carey:
Mr. Wick, is she a prostitute?

Nigel Wick:
Oh, no! She's an actress who's researching the part of a prostitute, going on... 14 years now.

Drew Carey:
Oh, and does she have a very strict acting coach who beats her with an iron pipe every once in a while?

[Drew and Mimi signed a truce, forbidding them to play pranks on each other]

Mimi Bobeck:
Oops. Clumsy me. I just dropped a pen. I'm just gonna have to bend over and pick it up. Thus, leaving my butt open to a kick, stabbing, or the possible application of a humorous bumper sticker. [bends over]

Drew Carey:
I'm warning you, Mimi. You're waving a steak in front of a hungry dog... God, I want to hurt that butt!

Mimi Bobeck:
It wants to be hurt!

Lewis Kiniski:
[to Oswald] What are we watching here?

[Lewis and Oswald are acting dumb, in front of Drew's webcam]

Drew Carey:
Look, the only two b*obs nobody wants to see on the internet.

[Clemens brings a horse into Drew's backyard]

Drew Carey:
Hey, Clemens, I got a riddle for you. What has four legs and shouldn't be in my backyard?

Greg Clemens:
Oswald and Lewis.

Drew Carey:
Ok, what has the I.Q. of... [looks at Oswald and Lewis] What smells like... [looks at Oswald and Lewis] What craps standing... [looks at Oswald and Lewis] Get that damn horse out of my backyard!

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape.

Kate O'Brien:
Oh, my god! You still have that tape?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar.

Kate O'Brien:
Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape...

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.

Lewis Kiniski:
Ok, Drew. You need some practice. Pretend I'm Kate. [takes out a picture of Kate, with the mouth cut off] Give it to me, big boy! [starts making motions with his tongue]

Drew Carey:
Uhh, Lewis? Why do you have a picture of Kate with her mouth cut out?

Lewis Kiniski:
Oh, don't worry. It's nothing weird. I have one of all of you.

Drew Carey:
How do I look?

Lewis Kiniski:
Not just sexy, grandpa sexy.

[to his stomach]

Drew Carey:
Why are you doing this to me? Look at you! No salads, no sit ups! You're the envy of your friends!

Drew Carey:
I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?

Drew Carey:
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.

Drew Carey:
Who would have thought that if you combine Steve and Mimi's genitals, something this beautiful could come out.

Lewis Kiniski:
If we win, you have to name your son after us.

Steve Carey:
And, if I win, you two have to legally change your names to 'Boob 1' and 'Boob 2'

Lewis Kiniski:
That's ridiculous.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Dibs on 'Boob 1'!

Lewis Kiniski:
Damn!

[Steve and Mimi moved their trailer into Drew's backyard]

Drew Carey:
I couldn't sleep last night. The rocking trailer kept me up.

Steve Carey:
Oh, sorry.

Drew Carey:
And, then, the screaming started.

Steve Carey:
What was that?

Drew Carey:
That was me, when I realized what was going on in the trailer!

Drew Carey:
[about Mimi] I can't take it anymore. She's either in my home, or at my work. I watch "Unsolved Mysteries". People disappear all the time. Why can't she?

Rachel Murray:
Drew, you can't wear that suit, it was made in a factory that practices child labor. Underage children should not be forced to work like that.

Drew Carey:
Of course not! Look at the crappy job they do! What I wouldn't give for two minutes alone with the brat that sewed this together...

Lewis Kiniski:
Ok, Drew is really going to mope about this. So, we need beer, junk food, and pity sex.

Kate O'Brien:
I'll get the food.

Lewis Kiniski:
I'll get the beer.

[pause]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Every damn time!

[Drew and Kate are about to have sex for the first time]

Drew Carey:
I'm a little nervous.

Kate O'Brien:
Me, too. In fact, I'm so nervous, I over freshened a little. I hope you really, really, really like spring rain.

Drew Carey:
[laughs] Well, this is it.

Kate O'Brien:
Yeah. Think about it, this is the definitive moment of our relationship.

Drew Carey:
What do you mean?

Kate O'Brien:
Well, everything has been going so well, that the only thing that could ruin it is bad sex.

[pause]

Drew Carey:
Well, goodbye erection!

Mimi Bobeck:
I have a fertility problem. The doctor told me to take fertility pills.

Drew Carey:
How many more do you have to take, before you become a woman?

Mimi Bobeck:
If I wasn't feeling so lady-like right now, I'd b*tch slap you all the way to the coffee machine.

Mimi Bobeck:
Look at this- champagne, scented candles, Barry White CD's. Either you and O'Brien are going to do it, or it's gotten to the point where you have to get your hand in the mood.

Drew Carey:
It's called romance. Not all of us can make our asses glow red to attract a mate.

Nigel Wick:
You're going to have sex for the first time, with the woman you loved all of your life. I won't try to put any pressure on you. Not at all. Instead, I'd like to congratulate you... prematurely.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
All right. Drew told us not to let speedy into the house.

Lewis Kiniski:
Where is he?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Probably in the brewery.

Lewis Kiniski:
[opens the door] Ok, when he comes out, we pretend to let him into the house, and then we catch him.

[Speedy comes out of the brewery, with a six-pack]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Hey, he brought us a six pack! But, why did he put it all the way over there?

Lewis Kiniski:
'Cause he's a dumb animal. Come on, let's go get it.

[Oswald and Lewis go to get the beer, while Speedy runs into the house, and pushes the door closed, locking Oswald and Lewis out]

Lewis Kiniski:
We must never speak of this again...

Drew Carey:
Wow, Lewis. That was fast. How did you learn to tie ties like that?

Lewis Kiniski:
Oh, at Drug-Co we like to make the monkeys believe that we're going to turn them into people, before killing them. When they go into that room, all dressed up, there's nothing but a fat guy with a hammer...

[Mimi is wearing a Medieval dress]

Drew Carey:
Well, well, well. If it isn't queen Isafella.

Drew Carey:
[hangs up phone] Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow.

Kate O'Brien:
That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again.

Drew Carey:
Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
[to Lewis] This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change.

Drew Carey:
Why are you guys wearing suits?

Lewis Kiniski:
Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards!

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Picking at the bones of her self respect!

Drew Carey:
I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two.

Lewis Kiniski:
Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
[flirting] I'm Oswald. And, as of last week, I am work-free.

Kate O'Brien:
You're not still attached to Lisa, are you?

Drew Carey:
No, I'm not attached to my Lisa at all.

[Oswald and Lewis are having a double date]

Drew Carey:
Hey, Oswald. Hey, Lewis.

Date #1:
Oswald? Lewis? Now, I remember! You two were the door-to-door underwear inspectors! [girls get up and leave]

Lewis Kiniski:
That was 10 years ago, baby! We're senators, now!

Kate O'Brien:
So, what do you want me to do? Put my legs in the air and shut up?

Drew Carey:
Is that a trick question?

Beulah Carey:
Look, Drew, we brought the same minister that married me and your father.

Drew Carey:
Uhh... Yeah, but... Kate and I can only be married by a Catholic priest!

Kate O'Brien:
That's right! That way... our son could never grow up to be pope! See? I can't tell my parents that my son could never be pope! That's just crazy!

Beulah Carey:
Oh, Kate... You and your Catholic Voodoo...

Kim Harvey:
Drew Allison Carey, what have you done?

Mimi Bobeck:
Allison? All three of his names are girl names!

Mimi Bobeck:
Steve! If you don't come out of this bathroom, I'm burning this house down!

Drew Carey:
She'll do it, too! You saw what she did to her face!

[Pregnant women are attracted to Drew]

Drew Carey:
Oh, I get it. You only want the bad boys to plant the seed. But, come the harvest, all the ladies want reliable old farmer Drew.

Suzanne:
[puts Drew's hand on her stomach] Feel that? It's a boy!

Drew Carey:
[puts her hand on his stomach] Feel that? I'm a boy, too!

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I don't know about you guys, but I could sure use more beer.

Drew Carey:
All right.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
One case, coming right up.

Drew Carey:
Why do you need a whole case?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I don't know. Why do you have to shed light on my addiction?

Lewis Kiniski:
I think Santa doesn't want to kill us anymore. We didn't get any death threats, recently. And, when we threw Kate to him and left her for dead he didn't touch her.

Kate O'Brien:
Yeah, he told me not to worry and that he wasn't going to rape me. He told me that after what Santa saw in the Gulf War he could never be with a woman again.

Drew Carey:
Wendy, this thing here is Mimi.

Wendy:
Hello.

Mimi Bobeck:
Hi! I'm Mimi! If you ever need a friend, or want to talk... Well, too damn bad!

[Wendy leaves]

Drew Carey:
Mimi, she's new in town, she's short on money, she doesn't have any friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Thanks for taking it easy on her.

Mimi Bobeck:
Your brother turned me inside out last night.

Drew Carey:
How can you tell?

Mimi Bobeck:
Ok, if we do this, we do this right. Nicki, you're 'Cobra'.

Kate O'Brien:
Cool, we get nicknames. What's mine?

Mimi Bobeck:
How about 'Girl who's only nice to me when she needs something'?

Kate O'Brien:
Nah, too long.

Mimi Bobeck:
How about 'Tramp'?

Lewis Kiniski:
[to Drew] You're like some kind of superhero that can ward off success at every turn.

Lewis Kiniski:
My dad always said- "The day I can't do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun".

[In a bar]

Drew Carey:
First one to hurl is a girl.

Kate O'Brien:
I can't believe Oswald has a son.

Drew Carey:
I know. I feel bad for the kid. You grow up thinking your dad's Neil Armstrong. Instead, you get Forrest Gump.

Steve Carey:
Hey, Mimi, I found something that'll help you get pregnant.

Drew Carey:
[to Steve] A blindfold for your penis?

Mr. Soulard:
What do you got there, Carey?

Drew Carey:
Uhh, nothing, sir.

Mr. Soulard:
Is that the new report?

Drew Carey:
Uhh, yeah that's what it is.

Mr. Soulard:
Well, let me see.

Drew Carey:
No! Uhh... I mean, it's not finished.

Mr. Soulard:
Let me see what's in your hand, Carey.

Drew Carey:
Ok... uhh... It's uhh... a present for Kate. Yeah, it's erotic pictures of me. I'm in a thong.

Mr. Soulard:
I got a feeling you're covering... But I can't take that chance.

[Drew's baseball team sucks]

Drew Carey:
[to Kate, who's relaxing on a lawn chair] Kate, what the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be standing at first base!

Kate O'Brien:
If somebody on this team actually gets to first base, I'll stand there naked.

Drew Carey:
Hey, Lewis, I got a question. Did you ever sleep with a close friends' girlfriend?

Lewis Kiniski:
Oh, I see where this is going... I'm in. But, Kate, when we're in bed Drew's and my eyes must never meet.

Kate O'Brien:
Lewis, let me make this clear. The only way I'd lie next to you naked is if we're in a mass grave.

Drew Carey:
We have to tell Oswald the truth eventually. I mean, we can't just keep distracting him with shiny objects... Ok, we can, but we got to stop doing that.

Drew Carey:
How does a guy keep from doubling over every time he looks at his girlfriend?

[Drew, Oswald, and Lewis all look at Steve]

Steve Carey:
That is just rude!

Drew Carey:
Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore!

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Aww, Drew...

Drew Carey:
No! Do not pity the whore!

[after losing a bet, Steve has to eat dog food]

Steve Carey:
I think I'm going to be sick.

Drew Carey:
You put your tongue in Mimi's mouth and this is what makes you sick?

[In a bar, Mr. Wick gives the check to Mimi]

Mimi Bobeck:
A lady never pays!

Nigel Wick:
A lady doesn't shave her armpits in the car, on the way over.

Steve Carey:
It's a boy! We're having a boy!

[Drew comes in]

Mimi Bobeck:
Actually, I'm glad it's not a girl. After all, what woman could live up to this beauty?

Drew Carey:
All women, most men and some horses. Good morning.

[Mr. Wick needs a green card marriage]

Nigel Wick:
I can't get married! All women I know hate me!

Drew Carey:
Don't forget the fellas. [gets up to leave]

Nigel Wick:
Wait a second. I did forget the fellas. All I have to do is marry a man!

Drew Carey:
You can't marry a man.

Nigel Wick:
Yes, I can! There's a state where it's legal, now! [gets down on one knee] Drew, will you marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous?

[Oswald just found out he has a son]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
His name is Robert Gates! I wish it was Bill though...

Drew Carey:
How come?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Well, imagine all the fun you could have. 'Hey, Bill Gates, take out the trash! Hey, Bill Gates, mow the lawn! What're ya, Bill Gates, an idiot?'

[Drew and Mr. Wick are about to get married in Vermont]

Nigel Wick:
Penny for your thoughts?

Drew Carey:
I wish I would have died on the toilet last night.

Nigel Wick:
Penny for your thoughts?

Drew Carey:
I wish you would've died on the toilet last night.

Jenny:
I can sleep with whoever I want to!

Drew Carey:
You were going to sleep with me?

Mimi Bobeck:
You'll sleep with him over my dead body!

Drew Carey:
I'm having the best day ever!

Kate O'Brien:
If I were you, I'd pick Lewis. I mean, Oswald's my friend but I wouldn't want Lewis to be mad at me. Remember that time we saw "The Silence of the Lambs", and he said "Now, there's a guy that did something with his life"?

[Mimi's pregnant]

Mimi Bobeck:
I felt something kick!

Drew Carey:
Hansel or Gretel?

Drew Carey:
[about Mimi] Celia, this is makeup being tested on animals as we speak.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Wow, your team really sucks... Is that a guy with a hunchback?

Drew Carey:
That's a woman.

Lewis Kiniski:
Give me a night and a bottle of wine, I'll straighten out that spine.

[At the Warsaw]

Kate O'Brien:
I can't believe Drew did this to me! I'm going to kill him! [storms out]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Oh, no. We should probably warn Drew.

Lewis Kiniski:
Yeah, we should do a lot of things.

[both continue drinking]

[George walks in on Drew and his 60 year old girlfriend]

George Carey:
Jesus Christ! When did Christmas turn into such a minefield?

Kate O'Brien:
My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.

[Nikki and Kate both married Drew at the same time]

Mimi Bobeck:
And the award for the dumbest woman of all time goes to... Oh, my god. This almost never happens- IT'S A TIE!

Kate O'Brien:
Why didn't you just ask me for the money.

Drew Carey:
I can't ask you for money. I'm "The Rock".

Kate O'Brien:
"The Rock"?

Drew Carey:
Yeah. I'm the one that's always stable and reliable. I'm the one who loans money, gives advice and helps you guys out. "The Rock"...

Kate O'Brien:
You should be wearing a superhero outfit when you say that.

Drew Carey:
Don't mock "The Rock"!

Female Cop:
I'm sorry, but we're going to have to close this bar down.

Lewis Kiniski:
Well, I didn't want to resort to this, but... [approaches female cop] Hey, Baby. How'd you like to take a bath without ever having to step into a tub. [sticks out his tongue]

Female Cop:
I'm a lesbian, thank god.

Kate O'Brien:
[approaches female cop] Please don't take away our bar.

Female Cop:
Sorry. I never paid for it in my life.

Kate O'Brien:
They can't close the Warsaw. That's where I lost my Over-50-Guys virginity.

Drew Carey:
You mean your Guys-Over-50 virginity, right?

Kate O'Brien:
Uhh... Yeah.

Oswald's dad:
I see you're still hanging out with your friends. [looks at Lewis] The tall freak. [looks at Kate] The skank. [looks at Drew] And, the bully magnet.

[Drew, Kate, Oswald and Lewis come to a black church]

Drew Carey:
Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind.

Mr. Nichols:
No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded.

[Oswald, Lewis and Kate stare at him]

Mr. Nichols:
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight.

Preacher:
You should come on Wednesday. It's Christian singles night. Lewis is always there, chatting up the young ladies.

Drew Carey:
Christian singles night, huh?

Lewis Kiniski:
I suppose you would prefer some snobby, stuck-up woman you met at a bar. Well, so would I. But that didn't work, so welcome to plan B.

[Mimi bought the house next to the Warsaw]

Mimi Bobeck:
[to Drew] Whenever you drink a beer, I'll be here. Whenever you take a bite of a cheeseburger, I'll be here. Whenever you... what else do you do here?

[Mimi gets hit in the face with a pie]

Mimi Bobeck:
Ha ha. A cream pie. Very funny.

Drew Carey:
Actually, that's a cold cream pie.

Mimi Bobeck:
COLD CREAM! I will get you back for this, Drew. From hell's heart, I stabeth thee, pig!

[Mimi fires Drew]

Mimi Bobeck:
Security! Operation Luau! Come and get the PIG! This is not a drill!

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Hey, I'm not going anywhere until I get my money.

Drew Carey:
Get comfortable, pal. You're the worst mobile DJ I ever hired.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I thought people liked my voice. [disguises voice] This one's for all the lovers in the crowd.

Drew Carey:
How about one for all the snipers in the crowd?

Mrs. Louder:
And if you don't... this company will be 210 pounds lighter.

Drew Carey:
[to Mimi] Hey, she thinks I only weigh 210 pounds!

Nigel Wick:
I want your pee on my desk by the end of the afternoon.

Drew Carey:
Oh, I'll pee on your desk.

Nigel Wick:
In a cup.

Drew Carey:
Oh, I'll pee in a cup.

Nigel Wick:
Not my coffee cup.

Drew Carey:
Oh, I just like talking like this because it makes you nervous.

Drew Carey:
Using a ten minute bathroom break is fine. Using to pee off the side of the building is not.

Employee:
I hit the side of the building across the alley.

Drew Carey:
I don't care if you... wow, really?

[Drew is kicking Mr. Wick out of his house]

Drew Carey:
You're still here? You know, you people have been kicked out of so many countries you'd think you'd be better at packing.

Nigel Wick:
Well, it helps when we're at gunpoint.

Drew Carey:
That can be arranged...

Kate O'Brien:
Um, no, I can't, Mrs. Louder. Because I unfortunately wasted $40 on a list of fake excuses. Oh crap.

Mimi Bobeck:
Thanks for coming to Mimi's! Where every customer is a sucker.

Drew Carey:
[to Mimi] One of these days, I'm going to bite you and I'm going to get very, very sick.

Drew Carey:
Hey, Mr. Wick. Did you talk to the new owner?

Nigel Wick:
Yes.

Drew Carey:
Did you talk to him about my raise?

Nigel Wick:
Yes, Carey. You see, he's the kind of man whose first order of business is to pick the most insignificant drone in the company and to shower him with money?

Drew Carey:
Really?

Nigel Wick:
Yes. And he also told me that he's naming you King of Cleveland and that your sole task is to masturbate.

Drew Carey:
I so want to believe you...

Nigel Wick:
Oh, Carey. Let me ask you a question. How does "Drew Carey Store Manager" sound to you?

Drew Carey:
It sounds like it's somewhere in between "Drew Carey Olympic Sprinter" and "Rebecca Romijn Carey".

[In a near death experience, Drew is judged for his sins]

Drew Carey:
Masturbation wouldn't be a sin, would it? I mean, if it was I wouldn't be here, I'd be giving Hitler a sponge bath.

[Drew sneaks up behind Lewis at his work]

Drew Carey:
Hey, Lewis. I got a little present for you. You want to smell something nice?

Lewis Kiniski:
[before turning around, flattered] For the last time Frank, that's sexual harassment.

Drew Carey:
You guys really got to go.

Lewis Kiniski:
Wait a minute... Six eggs on the frying pan... That twinkle in your eye... Speedy hiding under the pool table with that haunted look in his eyes... You scored last night, didn't ya?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Every time my dad and I got into an argument we made up over a nice cold beer... I think that's one of the reasons the county took me away from him.

Lewis Kiniski:
Hey, Drew. I got this new perfume from Drug-Co. You might want to try it out on your date.

Drew Carey:
No, it's okay- [Lewis sprays him with it] Damn it!... Hey, that actually smells pretty good.

Lewis Kiniski:
I know. [under his breath] I'm sure you won't be in the 3%.

Drew Carey:
What?

Lewis Kiniski:
Nothing.

Drew Carey:
What 3%?

Lewis Kiniski:
Well, 3% of the test monkeys at Drug-Co tried to eat their own genitals.

Roscoe Harvey:
Yeah, you're the kind of guy who'd give up his pudding real easy in the joint.

Drew Carey:
B-By pudding you mean my... man-flower?

Roscoe Harvey:
Uhh, no I mean your pudding. It's a dessert.

[Drew, Kate, and Lewis are looking for bar suggestions from Mimi]

Mimi Bobeck:
All right, three places come up. The Warsaw Tavern, Mr. C's South Side Lonely Hearts Dance Club, and some place called "We Rent Boats". Apparently, they sell beer there.

Drew Carey:
This is my lucky sweater. It got me a "maybe" and a "what the hell, it's three AM, let's go."

[Drew's brother is wearing a dress]

Mimi Bobeck:
Hey, Drew's brother is all right. Any man who can wear heels like that on ice? Proud to call sister.

Steve Carey:
Sister? That's what they called me at hockey camp.

[Steve and Mimi have sex]

Drew Carey:
How could you do that in the room where I keep my perishables?

Drew Carey:
You guys really think we can drink this much?

Lewis Kiniski:
I think we can... remember D.W.I. Fridays?

[Kate, Lewis, and Oswald recover Drew's old refrigerator from the dump]

Drew Carey:
Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge.

Kate O'Brien:
It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.

Lewis Kiniski:
Are you crying, Drew?

Drew Carey:
It's that smell. It's killing me.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Hope you like it, Drew.

Drew Carey:
Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter!

Drew Carey:
Wow, what a great diet. You lose weight by drinking beer.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Hey, I'm on that diet, too. You get drunk, you pass out. You don't eat for two days.

[Steve is wearing a dress]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Why are you wearing a dress?

Steve Carey:
Why do you take long walks in the park?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Because it feels good.

Steve Carey:
You should try women's underwear.

Lewis Kiniski:
Hey, I've got a girlfriend, too. She's a guinea pig.

Kate O'Brien:
Oh, good. I thought it was going to be something weird.

Steve Carey:
If there's a bra on the door, don't come in. If there's two bras on the door, get a room. If I were you, I'd get a room.

Drew Carey:
Wow, you dog you. Still a Carey. [pauses] It's a girl, right?

Steve Carey:
Yeah.

Drew Carey:
Still a Carey.

[Kate throws a piece of cheese on the ground]

Drew Carey:
Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.

Lewis Kiniski:
Hey, Drew. Having another expiration day eat-a-thon?

[Drew and Lewis walk into Mimi's apartment]

Drew Carey:
And... wow, my eyes wont focus.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Wow, you go into a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap?

Nigel Wick:
Uhh, Lewis. I know this is an awkward proposition but I need to use your apartment for the night... [points to attractive blonde at his table, and Lewis stares at him] And 50$.

Lewis Kiniski:
50$? Hey, 20$ gets you an apartment! 50$ gets you a photographer! A 100$ gets you no photographer.

Kate O'Brien:
Here, try some of these. I call them "Angel Wings".

Drew Carey:
They're Pringles.

Mr. Wick:
Both you and I want Mimi out of there as fast as possible. And I've come up with a plan. I call it "Operation Take Down The Clown".

Drew Carey:
Great! How does it work?

Mr. Wick:
I don't know. I spent all night thinking up the title.

Lewis Kiniski:
Gee, Drew, I'm really sorry about your troubles with your hot, young and rich boss. I'd send you a sympathy card if I wasn't so busy mopping elephant afterbirth at Drug-Co.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Eww!

Lewis Kiniski:
That's typical. You want your shampoo and conditioner in one but you don't want to know how it's done.

Drew Carey:
[on marriage] No! You get a dog! Or you take a cold-hearted look at your parent's life and the urge passes!

Drew Carey:
I remember when I took a temp job... so I got a job at a department store. Something temporary to put on my resume, my parents said. Yeah... till I die!

Drew Carey:
Boy, a drive-through liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer... just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Cant stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!

Drew Carey:
[to Lewis] Come on, you were a genius before you met Oswald.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Like I told you, buddy, smarty had a party and nobody came.

Lewis Kiniski:
Well, when you clean toilets for ten years, it's like one big vaccine for everything.

Kate O'Brien:
Guys, that is THE most disgusting bathroom I have ever seen.

Lewis Kiniski:
Well, we tried to clean it once, but the bacteria ate our sponge.

Drew Carey:
[to Mimi] Look, I hope you don't have to cry. Because if you start to cry and your makeup starts to run, I don't think we're going to have that kind of time.

Lynn O'Brien:
Well, Lisa, I see you're the lucky girl that finally landed Drew.

Lisa Robbins:
No, I just fed him once and he followed me home.

Drew Carey:
Ask me about my day, I dare you.

Lewis Kiniski:
Drew, how was your day?

Drew Carey:
You're not sincere enough. [points to Oswald] YOU! Ask me about my day.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Drew, how was your day?

Drew Carey:
Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.

[as Mimi's desk is lit on fire]

Drew Carey:
Hey, Mimi, how do you like your desk? Regular or extra crispy?

Lewis Kiniski:
Come on, everybody. Drew can't make bail. If everyone pitches in $10... [blank stares from bar patrons]

Kate O'Brien:
All right, ten bucks to hear about the night I spent in a women's prison!

Nikki:
All right, for dinner with my parents tonight, the dress that says "Hi mom and dad, I'm happy" OR [holds up another dress] the dress that says "Hi mom and dad, Drew's happy"?

Drew Carey:
I see you've been shopping at our "get a load of these" department.

Kate O'Brien:
Drew, come on, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Drew Carey:
I know of an all night fry place where they never shut off the deep fryer and the cops look the other way.

Drew Carey:
Don't you ever wear guy clothes on a date?

Steve Carey:
I wore jeans once, but you know, they were the kind with the zippers on the ankles.

Drew Carey:
[dancing with Speedy] Daddy's got a girlfriend! Daddy's got a girlfriend! [Sharon walks in] You had your chance, woman...

Mr. Wick:
Gather around, everyone. Story time. Come on... gather around. Once upon a time... Johnson was fired. And everyone else lived happily ever after. Freaked, but happily.

[during an "oldest unpaid bill contest"]

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I have an unpaid student loan bill. Well, when you give a loan to a community college student with a 2.0 GPA, you takes your chances.

Lewis Kiniski:
I have an unpaid bill... from my own birth. What are they going to do, put me back?

Drew Carey:
For the next few days, he'll replace my shadow. [before anybody can talk; points to Kate] Yeah, shadow, more like the population of China! [points to Lewis] Yeah, shadow, more like a solar eclipse! [points to Oswald] Yeah, shadow, 'cause you're so fat! [pause] Real original, Oswald.

Mimi Bobeck:
Hey, Drew, I got something for you to wear in prison. [pulls out a wedding veil and laughs]

Drew Carey:
I'll still need it before you do.

Lewis Kiniski:
Hey, Speedy, want some pickle water? [sticks out pickle jar and Speedy starts licking the water] Uh uh. Don't eat the pickles, they're for paying customers.

Drew Carey:
[to Lewis and Oswald] Boy, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Making prank phone calls to a guy who just took an arrow through his scrotum without asking if papa's gonna get a brand new bag!

Lewis Kiniski:
Ah nuts.

Mimi Bobeck:
Oh, and I booked a massage for you this afternoon.

Drew Carey:
Wait a minute, you want me to believe that I'm going to lie down naked on a table and nothing's going to happen?

Mimi Bobeck:
Does it ever?

Larry Almada:
How come there's no couch in the men's room?

Drew Carey:
If there was, would you want to lay on it?

Mrs. Louder:
Mimi! You're fired.

Mimi Bobeck:
For what?

Mrs. Louder:
For having the nerve to ask me to speak at a seminar for "Women in their 90's".

Mimi Bobeck:
You're reading it wrong. It's supposed to say "Women in the 90's."

Mrs. Louder:
Oh, well count me in, then. [leaves]

Mimi Bobeck:
[to Drew] Actually, it really was supposed to say "Women in their 90's".

Drew Carey:
I'm tired of being the hall monitor. I want to be the stoner who gets the art teacher knocked up.

Drew Carey:
I'm sorry, Mr. Wick, but your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi. [pauses] That's right, your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi. [pauses] Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi. [pauses] Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi. [pauses] Boy, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.

Drew Carey:
Say, this burger isn't bad.

Lewis Kiniski:
It was created in a test kitchen.

Drew Carey:
Test kitchen?

Lewis Kiniski:
Oh, I'll need to ask you a few questions. Are you experiencing any side effects?

Drew Carey:
You're going to be experiencing some side effects if you don't tell me what's in this burger!

Lewis Kiniski:
Mood swings, that's obvious.

Mimi Bobeck:
Somewhere in the world, there's a very lucky girl... who's gonna date the lesbian you'll create tonight.

Lewis Kiniski:
That's what I want to see - a couple of guys loving each other. [pauses] I mean, a couple of guys not fighting over a dress. [pauses] I mean, a couple of guys not letting it come to blows. [pauses] Yeah, that's not what I meant.

Mrs.Harvey:
Drew, we're both adults now. You can call me Kim.

Drew Carey:
I cant, it ruins the fantasy.

Kate O'Brien:
We should go to Lewis and Oswald's place.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Our place? Even we don't like going to our place.

Lewis Kiniski:
Hey Mr. Wick, what were some of the things you've been fired for?

Mr. Wick:
Let's see - drunk, [pauses] drunk, [pauses] I don't know what the technical term is, but whipping it out in an elevator. [pauses] Drunk, [pauses] drunk, [pauses] whipping it out in an office. [pauses] I was telling the elevator story at another job.

Drew Carey:
Oh!

Lewis Kiniski:
How about this? You kiss ass at a drug company for fifteen years, you let one little strand of bacteria slip that causes a major disease, and suddenly, it's good bye lab coat, hello mop.

Lewis Kiniski:
This is got to be the fifth biggest margarita I've ever drank in my life

Larry Almada:
Fifth largest?

Lewis Kiniski:
Frat party, frat party, frat party, and the Super Mucho Grande Margarita at La Cucarahca's, which has its own undertow.

Drew Carey:
I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you have that and the Sex Channel, they put you in some sort of file.

[Lewis and Oswald have a picture of Drew skinny dipping]

Mimi Bobeck:
Hey, losers poker! What's the winning hand?

Lewis Kiniski:
Read this and weep.

Mimi Bobeck:
Oh geez.

[faints]

Drew Carey:
Quick, somebody tag her before the dart wears off.

Kate O'Brien:
Well, that takes care of the heebies but I still got the jeebies.

Drew Carey:
I'm not promising you anything, sir.

Mr. Wick:
Oh, and I'm promising you blah blah blah, promises promotions, blah blah blah.

Mimi Bobeck:
And I sent him to the middle of China to die!

Mr. Wick:
Good lord, Mimi, that's kidnapping! You could get into serious trouble for that! [tries to hold laughter] Carey... in China! Excuse me!

Mr. Wick:
Oh, Mimi. I must have you. And I must have you right here, on Carey's desk!

Drew Carey:
[to Lewis] Oh my god, that hamburger must have killed me! I'm in hell!

[plotting a sexual harassment scheme]

Mr. Wick:
Where do we do it, though? We have to do it some place that management doesn't know about.

Mimi Bobeck:
Drew's cubicle.

Mimi Bobeck:
Why do you have to fly first class?

Mr. Wick:
I have a medical condition, I'm a snob.

[Kate makes an impossible shot during a game of pool]

Drew Carey:
I swear you were born in a pool hall.

Kate O'Brien:
No, Drew, I told you... I was born in the wagon of a traveling show... Momma used to dance for the money they'd throw.

Lewis Kiniski:
I know how many cockroaches it takes to tow a toothbrush. I know the last meal of every man executed in the last 100 years. I know which Vice-Presidents were gay and which ones were robots, and which one was a gay robot.

Drew Carey:
Little Danny Quayle?

[Drew has made tons of model airplanes]

Kate O'Brien:
Drew, there's a fine line between a hobby and psychosis. And even if there wasn't, this wouldn't be a hobby.

Mr. Wick:
I cannot believe you two are getting paid to do this. If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office having a nap.

[Lewis is pretending not to know Drew for an "unbiased" beer taste-test]

Lewis:
Mmm, it's not bad.

Drew:
[Angrily] It's Cap-Beer-Chino. It's the new competition for Buzz Beer?

Lewis:
Oh. Well, it's malty... nutty... and yet... I'm completely blind!

Jack:
I've met a nicer class of people in Gomorrah.

Drew:
I forgot, who loves rock and roll?

Oswald:
Probably my son. Anything to chap the old man's ass!

Lewis:
The longer you hold something in, the better it feels when you finally release it.

Drew:
Look, I know Kate's in love with someone. I just need to know who it is.

Lewis:
No, I promised I wouldn't tell.

Drew:
Just give me a hint.

Lewis:
Sorry *Drew.* No hints *Drew.* Understand *Drew?* You hear me *Drew?* What's the haps, brother?

Lewis:
Give it up boys, because when something goes in here, it dies.

Lewis:
Why don't you download it? It lasts longer.

[seeing Mimi behind the wheel of a muscle car]

Drew Carey:
Hey look, 800 horses under the hood and one behind the wheel.

Mr. Wick:
Carey, doesn't it seem like the days are just screaming by?

Drew:
Actually, Sir, that was me you heard screaming."

[discussing marriage]

Lewis Kinski:
The closest I ever got to an altar was when my uncle tried to sacrifice me to the corn gods to make the crops grow.

Drew:
I heard there was a nude beach around here, is that true?

Bell Hop:
Are you thinking of watching or... joining in?

Drew:
Well, I was thinking of maybe joining in...

Bell Hop:
No, man.

[after Drew asks what he should do to get his girlfriend back]

Lewis Kiniski:
I say we kill what she loves must in life that way you go up a notch.

Drew Carey:
What did you come up with Oswald?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Beard of bee's

Lewis Kiniski:
I say we do a preemptive strike on the neighbors; they must be up to something with their doors and their curtains

[Daffy Duck is applying for a job; Drew asks for qualifications]

Daffy Duck:
Qualifications? Why, I have qualifications coming out the wazoo!

[Daffy opens a carpetbag labeled "wazoo", pulls out items as he calls them out]

Daffy Duck:
I have an MBA, a PhD, an EKG, a BLT, [eats BLT, Carey is disappointed] a TNT, and a heaping load of TLC.

[Daffy pampers Drew - filing his nails, polishing his head, etc. - ends by lying on his lap and kissing him]

Daffy Duck:
So what do you say, fat boy?

Drew Carey:
I say get off my L-A-P. You're one weird duck.

Daffy Duck:
You're not just whistling Dixie!

[Drew brings Pastor Lindemann to his office]

Drew Carey:
Right over here, Pastor. All right, you can start the exorcism.

[Mimi's back is turned]

Pastor Lindemann:
But that's just a woman.

[Mimi turns around and speaks in a hoarse voice]

Mimi Bobeck:
What do you want?

Pastor Lindemann:
I think we're gonna need a Catholic for this one.

Drew Carey:
[firing a co-worker who's apparently insane] You know, my mom used to say, "God never closes a door without opening a window".

Earl:
Oh. My mom used to say, [shouts] "Close that damn door or I will throw you out the window!"

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I think I'm going to be sick

Drew Carey:
Why?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
I've got little pieces of Jim Thome's head all over me!

Drew Carey:
[introducing his new girlfriend to Mimi] Mimi, this is Sioux with an "x". Sioux, this is Mimi with an extra chromosome.

Drew Carey:
[to Kellie about annoying neighbor, Buddy] Do you want to be the shooter, or do you want to dig the hole?

Drew Carey:
Lewis, I need you to stop the wedding.

Lewis Kiniski:
Okay. [beat]

Drew Carey:
Don't you even want to know why?

Lewis Kiniski:
[sagely] Would it have something to do with the fact that Oswald is an immature man-child trapped in a kind of "prolonged adolescence," and that, while at first that appealed to Kate, she now feels she needs someone more challenging to what she perceives as her intellect?

Drew Carey:
Wow! How did you know all that?

Lewis Kiniski:
Do you believe in Magic Cheese, Drew?

Kate O'Brien:
[to Drew] For as long as I can remember, you've been my best friend or my boyfriend. But now, you're nothing. Good-bye.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Whoof! Where have you been? You smell like garbage and gunpowder!

Drew Carey:
I was at the dump with Mimi.

Lewis Kiniski:
You fool, you can't bury her there! That's the first place they'll look!

Drew Carey:
Man, I can't believe I almost beat Jay up and humiliated him in front of the entire Warsaw.

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Wow. What was your plan, tire him out by letting him beat the crap outta you?

Drew Carey:
[after Mimi removes a wig and dress, making her look like her usual self] Good lord, Miss Jones, you're hideous!

Lewis Kiniski:
You know what the worst part of getting drunk all the time is? When you really want to get smashed it costs a fortune.

Drew Carey:
Quick, somebody highlight everything I hate!

Mr. Bell:
[after Mr. Bell has been revealed fully for the first time when he is getting ready to leave his office after getting fired] What's the matter, Carrey? You act like you've never seen me before.

Lewis Kiniski:
Waitress, four beers!

Woman:
But we're alcoholics!

Lewis Kiniski:
Sorry. Eight beers!

Kate O'Brien:
What's wrong with you guys?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Lot's of stuff. Why?

Drew Carey:
I'm not backing down until we get a crosswalk! Will you give it to us?

Nigel Wick:
Hmmm... no.

Drew Carey:
Will you think about it?

Nigel Wick:
Hmmm... no.

Drew Carey:
Will you change your mind?

Nigel Wick:
Maybe the 'hmmm' is confusing you; No!

Christine Watson:
I'm gonna enjoy kicking yo' ass, Carey. I enjoy a butt I can lose my foot in.

Drew Carey:
Let me tell you something I've learned about relationships... [brief pause] Any other questions?

Drew Carey:
Fine, then I'm giving up my job for Mimi. I'm giving my job up for Mimi. I am giving up my job for Mimi. Wow, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.

Drew Carey:
That's it! No one sticks their hand in Drew Carey's drawers and pulls out his goodies!

Drew Carey:
No one puts their hands in Drew Carey's drawers and pulls out his goodies!

Nigel Wick:
I'm not so sure about this. You invite me over here in the middle of the night, the lights are off... If I hear a belt being unbuckeled, I'm out of here.

Drew Carey:
What do you people take me for?

Drew Carey:
Hey Mr. Wick. [Points to Mr. Wicks face] You have a little something there.

Nigel Wick:
[Mr. Wick wipes his face and looks at his hand] Oh that's just a little blood... OH MY! [Faint's and falls into Drew's arms]

Drew Carey:
[Drew stands there for a second] THIS IS FOR MIMI! [Throws Mr. Wick to the ground] AND MY CANDY... But mostly the candy.

Drew Carey:
[to an exceedingly ancient worker] Maybe it's time to quit, go home and watch your grandchildren retire.

Drew Carey:
[Lisa, Kate and Mimi are all standing in Drew's cubicle] Yes, Charlie, all the angels are here... only, one of them had a terrible accident with a paint truck!

Lisa Robbins:
[on Mimi] I couldn't get her to take off her make-up...

Drew Carey:
I heard they tried once, and there was a whole other painting underneath it.

Kate O'Brien:
[Kate is sitting and lighting a piece of paper on fire] I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing *mom*, before *time* gets here. There we go.

Lewis:
So, do you think we'll be able to prove that Oswald's incompetent?

Lynn O'Brien:
I think it'd be harder to prove that he's not.

Mimi Bobeck:
They even sent a car for me.

Drew Carey:
Oh, too bad it missed.

Mrs. Louder:
[Kate is covered in silly string] Well, it must have been one hell of a sneeze...

Drew Carey:
Hi, I'm Drew Carey. You know in all the years we've been on television, we've never won an Emmy award. Never! Can't even get nominated! Nothing for acting, nothing for writing, nothing! We thought this year might be different after all the shows we've did but nope, we've don't have a chance in hell this year either. So some of the guys around here thought if we did just this one special episode, something filled with social importance and big tear-jerking emotional things, that we'd have a chance. And that maybe the emmy people would notice just once, just once in our stinking miserable lives! But I said NO! We're not gonna have our actors hamming it up just to win some stupid award.

Lewis Kiniski:
[barging in] Drew! This homeless woman is having a baby for your consideration!

Drew Carey:
[to Mimi] Like the doctor said the day you were born, "It's gonna get ugly!"

Lewis Kiniski:
[under the influence of a sex-drug] I sex what we're saying is, breast tell the truth.

Lewis Kiniski:
You know, Drew, down at Drugco we have a pet psychiatrist. She's really good. We had this monkey who used to take off his pants and jump around every time a woman didn't wear a bra to work, and you know what, after only two weeks, she cured me. [embarrassed laugh] I mean the monkey! Crazy monkey! Crazy, lonely monkey.

[trying to "gay up" Drew's house to make their faux-gay marriage look real, Mr. Wick brings over a breadmaker]

Drew Carey:
Oh, c'mon, how is a breadmaker gay?

Nigel Wick:
Oh how is it *not*?

Drew Carey:
[Mimi is hanging up her laundry in Drew's backyard] Wow. All I need is a three legged dog and I'm officially white trash.

Lewis Kiniski:
[Dramaticlly] I'm a janitor. Have you ever cleaned a toilet with your bare hands before?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
[Doing an impression of Christopher Walken] I would have been a bigger star if... I wasn't so creepy.

Nigel Wick:
[Drew has decided to make the baseball game a beerball game] Wait a minute! I'm the owner of this team and I don't want any of my players, especailly the women, to be hot, sweaty, and drunk. Oh wait a minute, yes I do. I'm off to buy a van with tinted windows.

Drew Carey:
Every time I think that a woman is interested in me, there's always another, more logical explanation.

Drew Carey:
Are you gonna eat that??!

Milan:
Daddy, why is my birthday clown talking to me that way?

Milan:
[talking about Steve] Isn't it weird that we're both people?

Mimi Bobeck:
I want a pony.

Drew Carey:
To ride or to feed on?

Drew Carey:
Well, I better go tell Eugene it's over between us.

Lewis Kiniski:
Eugene just told me my butt looks like a cupcake.

Drew Carey:
That b*tch!

Lewis Kiniski:
[Oswald laughs as he is reading a section of a newspaper] What are you reading, the comics?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
No, no. I'm looking at a woman in a lingerie ad.

Kate O'Brien:
Why are you laughing?

Oswald Lee Harvey:
Because I'm getting turned on by the newspaper! I've reached a new low!

Chuck Fifer:
[sees Drew and the others 'mooning' at the house window] I left my hat on the pool table. Some people just wave goodbye.

Drew Carey:
[introducing his new girlfriend to Mimi] Mimi, this is Sioux with an X, Sioux, this is Mimi with an extra chromosome.

Milan:
[about Helford] Isn't he cool! He talks like that all the time!

Milan:
[gasps] Yes! Oh my god we can be a family! A nice normal family! A model and heiress and a guy from Cleveland.

Nigel Wick:
Oh my God, my husband's cheating on me with my mummy!

Lewis Kiniski:
I don't see what the big deal is. You're born naked and you die naked.

The Councilman:
You don't die naked.

Lewis Kiniski:
You do if you plan it right.

Milan:
Oh I love how poor people hug, they actually touch and everything!