The First Time

Dave Hodgman:
Jane, Janie, Lately I've been feeling like there's so much noise, ya know? uh so much static. all these voices competing for attention. teachers, parents, magazines. what's in, what's out, who's cool, who's not cool enough... and it's like all this sh*t gets so loud I feel like I cant even hear myself think. I just want to get in my car and drive... but then I see you, I see you across the hall leaning against your locker... in that jacket that you love so much... and the way you tuck your hair back behind your ears... then you see me and you smile but just smile and it's like, it's like all that noise fades away ya know... and then the only thing I can hear is the sound of your voice when you call out my name.

Jane Harmon:
God, I am so sick of these arrogant jag weeds! They're big, stupid mouths and they're tiny little penises.

Jane Harmon:
He's always been there for me through all my terrible relationships and sh*t, and I can tell him anything.

Jane Harmon:
God! I am SO sick of these arrogant jag weeds. Their big stupid mouths and their tiny little penises.

Aubrey Miller:
They're not talking about Dave anymore?

Jane Harmon:
They're talking about Brendan Meltzer.

Aubrey Miller:
Is he douchebag?

Jane Harmon:
World's most humongous douchebag!

Aubrey Miller:
Have you had sex yet?

Dave Hodgman:
Honestly?

Aubrey Miller:
No, lie to me.

Aubrey Miller:
I'm sorry.

Dave Hodgman:
You kidding me? Don't be. Never, you never have to apologize to me. [they hug]

Aubrey Miller:
I don't know why I'm... sh*t.

Ronny:
Just mind your business, Dan!

Dave Hodgman:
Okay, you know what I think? I think you know my name is actually Dave. Kind of like how I know yours is actually Dick. [Ronny shoves Dave and he hits his head off a table]

Aubrey Miller:
[trying to open a bottle of wine] Oh, sh*t!

Aubrey Miller:
You're ridiculous.

Dave Hodgman:
Well, deal with it.

Brianna:
What are you people doing in here? I told you, living room is off limits.

Dave Hodgman:
You dig me.

Jane Harmon:
Well, I don't care about that kind of stuff any more. I am over boys. They all suck. Especially the hotties.

Dave Hodgman:
You've said that before. Many times.

Jane Harmon:
No, this time I mean it.

Simon Daldry:
I'm going to kill him, b*tch! I'm going to kick the livin' sh*t out of you! The livin' sh*t, my friend!

Jane Harmon:
I'm Jane.

Aubrey Miller:
Aubrey. We met.

Jane Harmon:
Right. You know Dave?

Aubrey Miller:
Yeah, a little.

Jane Harmon:
Do you like... like him?

Aubrey Miller:
What? No, no, no. I, um... No, I'm with, um... [looking at Ronny]... that guy.

Jane Harmon:
Oh, wow, he is gorgeous.

Jane Harmon:
No, Dave's amazing. He's one of my best friends. Definitely my best guy friend. He's just, you know, he's always been there for me through all my... terrible relationships and sh*t, and... I can tell him anything. And he gives the best advice, he's so smart. You should see the way he is with his sister.

Aubrey Miller:
He has a sister?

Jane Harmon:
Yeah, she's five, or maybe six but so, so cute and he's, like, super involved in her life 'cause I guess the dad isn't really around or whatever.

Aubrey Miller:
Where is he?

Jane Harmon:
It's just that most guys our age are really self-absorbed, you know.

Aubrey Miller:
Your balls are vibrating.

Dave Hodgman:
Jane, Janie... I'm going to go.

Jane Harmon:
What? But I was just telling you about... Don't you want to talk?

Dave Hodgman:
No, not tonight. I'll see you on Monday, okay?

Jane Harmon:
Okay.

Jane Harmon:
Well, I'm a little tipsy. Yes, I am.

Aubrey Miller:
Last summer, I, uh, I got to visit my uncle and his boyfriend in Madrid and one day I was just like, walking around and I got lost. And I, and I, my cellphone was dead and I had no idea where their apartment was and then, and then I was worried because I was, like, going to have to adapt to life as a street person in Madrid and finally, I like, wandered out into this plaza and I sat down by a fountain and I just, like, breathed. And I realized, I had been so focused on where I was going and, and getting back that I hadn't even noticed... where I was. And I hadn't noticed anything. And so I, I started to. I started to notice the... personality of the architecture and, like the, the way the people would just like, greet each other in the streets and even the sky looked... like, different over there. And it felt like I was just letting go of something... But also like finally in the world... And, you know, I eventually found my way back but those few hours, those were like the best, the best part of my trip. And I just, I wanna get back out there so bad. There's so much stuff I wanna see...

Aubrey Miller:
So this girl Jane, she doesn't like you back?

Dave Hodgman:
She does... platonically. As a friend.

Aubrey Miller:
Oh, I know what platonically means. I'm a junior, not a moron.

Dave Hodgman:
I think she's gonna hook up with Brendan Meltzer tonight.

Aubrey Miller:
Ooh, my friend hooked up with Brendan Meltzer once...

Dave Hodgman:
See?

Aubrey Miller:
He is ripped!

Dave Hodgman:
What are you... what are you doing to me?