The First Wives Club

Brenda:
What's the matter, Morty? Can't you buy her a whole dress?

Brenda:
Wake up, Morty! Time to smell the audit!

Brenda:
Don't shame me in the synagogue.

Brenda:
You know, I wonder how drunk Cynthia was when she decided to do a jack knife off of Park Avenue.

Elise:
Fill 'em up!

Elise:
No, Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend! He may be three hundred years old, but he's still a stud!

Elise:
You think that because I'm a movie star I don't have feelings. Well you're wrong. I'm an actress. I've got all of them!

Chris:
Guess what, dad? I'm a lesbian. A big one.

Dr. Morris Packman:
If I give you one more face lift, you're going to be able to blink your lips!

Gunilla:
(sees Shelley and Morty entering her building) Social climbers on the rise.

Chris:
You're a doormat.

Annie:
Why are you so crabby today honey, is it school? I know what it is; it's a boy.

Chris:
I'm a lesbian mom. I'm a lesbian, but that's not the point.

Annie:
Wait, sweetie, when you say "lesbian"--

Chris:
And don't tell daddy, I want to tell him myself when the time is right. Like Father's day or Christmas morning.

Catherine:
Annie? Thank God you're all right. Where were you? Who saw you?

Annie:
Who saw me what?

Chris:
She was sleeping with daddy.

Catherine:
Oh muffin dear you've come to your senses, I'm so happy.

Annie:
Mother, I am not sleeping with Aaron. He's just having some problems with his partners. He's feeling very conflicted and he needed somebody to talk to.

Chris:
Doormat!

Annie:
Lesbian!

(Elise to her plastic surgeon)

Elise:
Do it Morris, do it to me now, I need it. You're the only one who does it the way I like it. You're the king.

Morris:
Elise, if I give you any more collagen, your lips are going to look like they got stuck in a pool drain

Morris:
You're 45! If I give you one more facelift, you're going to be able to blink your lips. I mean, don't you want to be able to play a part your own age?

Elise:
"My own age?" No no. You don't understand. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood; "Babe", "District Attorney", and "Driving Ms. Daisy." And right now, I want to be young. Science-fiction young.

Brenda:
OK Elise, the time has come... spill it. Those lips- what's in 'em. Are they wax?

Elise:
Excuse me?

Brenda:
What else did you have done? Come on Elise you can tell me. The cheek one, the jaw line. Did you have a little bit, or the full enchilada?!

Elise:
I work out every day. I watch my diet. I have not had plastic surgery.

Annie:
Well good for you, you look terrific.

Brenda:
Oh come on. Elise your lying through your caps.

Elise:
Ok. All right, I have been freshened up a little.

Annie:
(Puts down wine glass) Oh god, does it hurt.

Elise:
(drinking) Mmmm, no.

Brenda:
What do they do with the stuff they take off? Do you get to keep it?

Elise:
Oh come on Brenda, it's the nineties for god's sake. (Picks up cigarette and lights it) I mean it's like... Plastic surgery is like good grooming, it's like brushing your teeth.

Aaron:
I want a divorce.

Annie:
(shocked)B-- BUT WE JUST MADE LOVE! I mean you asked me out! (Starts crying)

Aaron:
I asked you out to tell you, but then you looked so good. I thought, gee isn't this romantic. You know one last time, a goodbye kiss.

Annie:
But this wasn't just a kiss!

Aaron:
Annie don't be childish, you know how you manipulate me.

Annie:
What, manipulate, i.. i..(Realizes what's going on). Oh my god, is there someone else?

Aaron:
Of course not this is about us,... well it's really about you...

(Dr. Leslie Rosen enters through front door)

Leslie:
Babe!

All three stare at each other

LeslieOh my god.

Annie:
Oh my god!

Aaron:
Oh my god...

Leslie:
This is very awkward...

Aaron:
No, no, Annie was just leaving!

Leslie:
You told her?

Aaron:
I was totally upfront!

Annie:
What!? Excuse me!

Leslie:
Annie, this is rough, I know that-

Annie:
ROUGH!? Wait a minute, I don't understand! You are my therapist!

Leslie:
I'm a woman.

Annie:
He is my husband, oh.

Aaron:
Annie, we've been separated for months. Now let's not over-dramatise.

Leslie:
Aaron, she's aloud to be angry. Annie, let's use this; he's found someone new; you're free; closure.

Annie:
I am sorry, but that is not what this is, no!

Leslie:
Annie no, Annie you're not helping us out here- now I am sorry...

Annie:
SO AM I. I VERY SORRY I EVER MET YOU; AND I AM SORRY THAT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO LOVE YOU FOR ALL THOSE YEARS. I'M SORRY I DID NOTHING BUT BE THERE FOR YOU EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY AND SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR EVERY MOVE!!! I'M SORRY!!! (Starts crying and leaves)

Elise:
You wouldn't understand, you're civilians!

Brenda:
That's it. (infuriated) I understand. (she grabs the bottle from Elise)

Elise:
Hey... give that back...

Brenda:
I'm saying this to you with love, compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood: you are full of SH*T!

Elise:
What?

Brenda:
(pouring the alcohol down the sink) So okay, alimony sucks! Okay, you didn't get to play a policewoman in a Wonder bra! But look at you! You grew up gorgeous, and thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts, you still haven't hit puberty! And once upon a time, you were a great actress, you've even got an Oscar to prove it! You've spent your whole life with people sucking up to you, but I'm sure Annie will agree with me when I say your perception of life is somewhat altered!

Elise:
You've got some nerve! I drink because I am a sensitive and highly strung person!

Brenda:
No, that's why your co-stars drink!

Elise:
I am not a DRUNK!

Brenda:
Oh really? Let's examine the evidence! Look! All bottles! And gallon jugs!

Elise:
I had GUESTS.

Brenda:
Who, Guns N' Roses?!

Elise:
You didn't invite me to your son's bar mitzvah!

Brenda:
You wouldn't have come!

Annie:
Yeah, it was in Hebrew...

Brenda:
Oh, SHUT UP!

Brenda:
(gasps loudly)

Annie:
What?

Brenda:
He brought her to our son's bar mitzvah?

Annie:
Is she a gift?

Uncle Carmine:
Permission to speak freely, Brenda?

Brenda:
Oh yea, Annie's cool.

Uncle Carmine:
Morty is garbage. You gave him the best years of your life, and he pushes you aside for a younger model. It would be an honor for us to take him out.

Elise:
You think just because I'm a movie star, I don't have feelings, well, you're wrong! I do have feelings! I'm an actress! I have ALL of them!

Brenda:
(putting on a meek voice) Well, I wouldn't understand. You see I'm just a poor little housewife, in a little apron, with a little child to raise!

Elise:
Yeah, well, you were always jealous of me, even in college, because I was blonde and beautiful and talented, and I could have any guy I wanted!

Annie:
(faintly in the background) Um, you guys...

Brenda:
And did! Every guy! Most of the senior class and half the faculty!

Elise:
Well! It was the Sixties!

Brenda:
(scornful) Look at this place! Is this where your fanclub meets? Do you have ritual sacrifices?!

Elise:
Put that down! Put that down! I won that!

Brenda:
I remember! Your first talkie!

Elise:
Yeah, what did you ever win? A pie eating contest? Best Digestion?! (she screams as Brenda throws the statuette) Oh no... Brenda, this is a Golden Globe! It's sacred! It's... TRADEMARKED!! (Elise throws the statue at Brenda and smashes the wall mirror)

Brenda:
(frightened, she barks) "Are you CRAZY!?"

Elise:
Ivana? I wanna thank you for coming so much, you're an angel!

Ivana Trump:
Oh, of course.

Annie:
Thank you so much, again.

Ivana:
Ladies, you have to be strong and independent. And remember...

Elise:
What?

Ivana:
Don't get mad... get everything.

Annie{as narrator}:
Our opening of the Cynthia Swann Memorial Center was a success. Bill broke up with Phoebe, for obvious reasons.

Shelly:
Got a cigarette?

Bill:
Certainly. By the way, how old are you?

Annie{as narrator}:
Leslie also broke up with Aaron. He begged me to take him back, and I told him to stuff it! But not all relationships have to break up.

Morton:
May I have this dance?

Brenda:
Certainly Morty.

Annie{as narrator}:
As for Brenda and Morty, a reconciliation does seem quite likely.