The Gamers

Rogar, the Barbarian:
Speak, or I shall smite thee with my mighty blade!

Rogar, The Barbarian:
Am I still unconscious?

Nimble the Thief:
[shocked] The Shadow?

Ambrose:
[scared] The Shadow?

Newmoon the Elf:
[resolved] The Shadow.

The Gamemaster:
You're going to backstab him with a ballista?

Nimble the Thief:
Uh huh

The Gamemaster:
With a f***ing siege weapon?

Nimble the Thief:
Uh huh

[after Nimble backstabbed Hunk with a ballista]

The Gamemaster:
I can't believe I'm doing this.

[rolls the dice]

The Gamemaster:
Well, that's 264 points of damage. You splatter Hunk all over the common room. The patrons shriek in horror and run out of the inn, occasionally slipping on blood and entrails. You're now alone in a room that looks like a vat of beef stroganoff exploded in it.

Ambrose:
[wiping his face] Cool.

Ambrose:
Hey, isn't Mark supposed to be here?

The Gamemaster:
Uh yeah. He's over there.

[after Newmoon shoots the Bandit King]

Rogar, the Barbarian:
[laughs] Masterful shot friend elf.

Nimble the Thief:
He had the chance to escape.

Mark:
Three cheers for the archer!

Rogar, the Barbarian, Mark, Nimble the Thief:
Hup hup! Hazah! Hup hup! Hazah! Hup hup!

Paula:
Shut up!

Nimble the Thief:
By morning you will again sup the sweet air of freedom.

Newmoon the Elf:
Called shot to the nuts.

The Gamemaster:
Guys, please! I want you to roleplay this. Remember you've never met this guy before, the last guys you met tried to kill you, and you're standing in the ruins of an evil, cursed castle. Just act appropriately.

Magellan:
Hello, I'm Magellan, a traveling mage. I notice your group has no wizard.

Rogar, the Barbarian:
You seem trustworthy. Would you care to join us in our noble quest?

Magellan:
Yes. Yes I would.

Newmoon the Elf:
[interrupting the Gamemaster] Wait, wait, wait! Cross the river? Shouldn't we like... uh... bury him. You know like, give him a proper funeral?

Nimble the Thief:
I agree!

Ambrose:
[rolling up a new character, looking up surprised] Thanks, guys!

Rogar, The Barbarian:
Yeah, yeah! Dude! We get 15 piety points per level when we bury a party member, and since he was level six...

Nimble the Thief:
That be like 90 points!

Rogar, The Barbarian:
Boohyah!

Nimble the Thief:
Boohyah!

[Nimble highfives Rogar]

Newmoon the Elf:
And that'll totally make up for that orphanage we burned down...

The Gamemaster:
Now begins the killing, followed by light salad...

Rogar, the Barbarian:
[after encountering The Shadow] Send Mark after him!

[Everybody agrees in anticipation]

Mark:
[controlled by the party members] Blood, death, and vengeance...

[Sound of bones breaking. Nimble, Newmoon, Magellan, and Rogar steps backwards in horror. Mark's decapitated body falls to the ground]

The Shadow:
And now for the rest of you.

Rogar, the Barbarian:
Great! Mark's gonna be pissed.

Rogar, The Barbarian:
The staff is mine!

The Gamemaster:
There's only one patron at the bar, and he doesn't notice you.

Nimble the Thief:
I pick his pocket.

The Gamemaster:
Roll it.

Nimble the Thief:
Ha ha! Got it. Does he have any, uh, weapons or anything?

The Gamemaster:
Yeah, he's got a knife.

Nimble the Thief:
I take that too.

The Gamemaster:
Ok. Roll it.

Nimble the Thief:
Ha ha! Cool! I'm kicking ass! I want to steal his pants.

The Gamemaster:
You're not serious?

Nimble the Thief:
I am serious.

The Gamemaster:
Why do you want his pants?

Nimble the Thief:
I don't want them. I just want to see if I can steal them.

The Gamemaster:
Fine, go ahead. But you suffer a negative eight penalty for difficulty. [Dice rolls] I don't believe it. [pause] Are you quite finished?

Nimble the Thief:
It's too early for ale, but the time is always right for some wine.

Ambrose:
Can you believe he would actually rather go out with a beautiful, intelligent young woman than hang out in this ass smelling basement with his best friends on a Friday night playing adventure games and having belching contests? And all for the off chance he'll sore too! Can you imagine that?

Nimble the Thief:
So... We're in the forest right?

The Gamemaster:
[the party has arrived at a river crossing, all of them looking indifferently at it; at the table there is an awkward silence amongst the players for a few moments] Dude!

Ambrose:
What?

The Gamemaster:
Aren't you forgetting something?

Ambrose:
[confused] Like what?

The Gamemaster:
Like your character's paralysing fear of water, perhaps?

Ambrose:
Oh yeah, that's right...

[Ambrose suddenly grips his head with both hands, screaming his lungs out in horror as he is being dragged away by Rogar and Nimble]