The Gay Divorcee

Guy Holden:
I was chasing you, you shouldn't run away like that.

Mimi Glossop:
Why not?

Guy Holden:
It's bad for my health.

Mimi:
I don't care what you did as a boy.

Guy:
Well, I did nothing as a girl, so there goes my childhood.

Mimi Glossop:
Please don't ask me to stay.

Guy Holden:
All right, I won't. Don't go!

Guy Holden:
[singing and skipping in a circle] The husband is coming! Hooray! Hooray!

Waiter:
Professor Brown, he's a geologist. Him and his wife stopped at the last place I worked. Do you know sir, it was Professor Brown who told me that this sea coast 'round here is really a... an igneous intrusion.

Guy Holden:
You know, you're somewhat of an igneous intrusion yourself.

Waiter:
Oh thank you sir!

Mimi Glossop:
I hope you like what I ordered. I've never had breakfast with two men before.

Guy Holden:
I've tried it. It's no fun.

Guy Holden:
Can I offer you anything? Frosted chocolate? Cointreau? Benedictine? Marriage?

Mimi Glossop:
What was that last one?

Guy Holden:
Benedictine?

Mimi Glossop:
No, the one after that.

Guy Holden:
Oh, marriage?

Mimi Glossop:
Do you always propose marriage as casually as that?

Guy Holden:
There is nothing casual about it. In fact, I've given it long and sincere thought.

Aunt Hortense:
You know, you're beginning to fascinate me, and I resent that in any man.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Guy, you're not pining for that girl!

Guy Holden:
Pining? Men don't pine. Girls pine. Men just... suffer.

Tonetti:
Your wife is safe with Tonetti, He prefers spaghetti

The Waiter:
Whumsical is more Whimsical than Whamsical.

Mimi:
You?

Guy:
[looking around] Yes. It's me.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Your life, Mr. Tonetti, must be full of excitement.

Tonetti:
Full of excitement, and full of danger.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Oh, yes, of course... from the husbands.

Tonetti:
No, from the ladies.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Oh, how interesting!

Tonetti:
But, Tonetti, he know what to do. Yes, sometimes, the lady and I have the conversation... somtimes, I play the concertina... sometimes, I play the solitaire... but, mostly, I practice my singing. At home, my wife, he do not like me to sing.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Unquestionably a woman of great perspicacity.

Tonetti:
Oh, si, si, signor, you bet!

Tonetti:
Rodolfo Tonetti at your service.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Yes... well, I am Mr. Fitzgerald.

Tonetti:
Mr. Fitzgerald?

[shaking hands]

Tonetti:
Oh, I'm delightful!

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Oh, I shouldn't doubt it, old man, I shouldn't doubt it. But, don't you think that a corespondent ought to come to work quieter? Let's have more repose and less Rigoletto.

Tonetti:
Ha, I am ready for action, and I will do a first-class job.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Well, don't be too determined about it. Remember, the lady in question is very sensitive, and you must treat her accordingly.

Tonetti:
Bene, whichever way the wind she is blowing, that is the way I sail.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
And now, Tonetti, remember: I want delicacy, tact, assurance, finesse.

Tonetti:
I've brought everything.

Tonetti:
[unable to remember his passphrase "Chance is a fool's name for fate," Tonettie repeatedly muffs it] Chance is the foolish name for fate. / Give me a name for chance and I am a fool. / Fate is a foolish thing to take chances with. / I am a fate to take foolish chances with. / Chances are that fate is foolish. / Fate is the foolish thing. Take a chance.

Guy Holden:
Chance is the fool's name for fate.

Guy Holden:
[after crashing into Mimi's car] Hello, hello! I've been looking for you!

Aunt Hortense:
Be feminine and sweet. If you can blend the two.

Guy Holden:
You think I'm going to leave you alone with a strange Italian? He might be a tenor!

Waiter:
I have an unnatural passion for rocks.

Guy:
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Waiter:
Pardon, you, you uh rang sir?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Who me? Well, my dear fellow, what is there here to ring with?

Waiter:
Pardon sir, that's just a figure of speech.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Oh, oh. Uhuh. Well, bring me a... let me have a... eh, there there. You see? Your figure of speech has made me forget entirely what I wanted.

Waiter:
Could it have been that you require crumpets?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
No no no, I never ring for crumpets.

Waiter:
Would you be the kind of man who would ring for a toasted scone, sir?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Scone? Well, now uh, no. no. Try me again.

Waiter:
Well, then could you, could you imagine yourself with a hankering for a nice gooseberry tart?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Oh what an acid thought. Please.

Waiter:
No crumpets. No scones. No gooseberry tart. Well that lands both of us in a cul-de-sac doesn't it, sir?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Of course it does. I knew it would.

Waiter:
You know I hate to leave you like this. You torn with doubts and me with my duty undischarged.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Oh well cheer up old man, cheer up. It will come to me.

Waiter:
Was it animal or vegetable sir?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
No.

Waiter:
Well that leaves us mineral doesn't it sir. Now sir, was it a bit of half and half, a noggin of ale, a pipkin of porter, a stoop of stout, or a beaker of beer?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Tea.

Waiter:
Tea. Ha. Well isn't it a small world sir.

Mimi Glossop:
Oh, here you are Hortense. I've just had the most embarrassing experience. A man tore my dress off!

Aunt Hortense:
My goodness! Anyone we know?

Guy Holden:
I wonder if she resented me tearing her skirt?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Well, I wouldn't at all be surprised. That's the usual reaction. What did you do that for?

Guy Holden:
She couldn't move.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
Sounds very unsporting of you, Guy, really!

Guy Holden:
Well, you don't understand... uh... it was an accident.

Egbert Fitzgerald:
It usually is.

Aunt Hortense:
[Going with Mimi to check into the hotel] Oh, Egbert, are you coming with us?

Egbert Fitzgerald:
What? Hortense, oh my. You can't remain with her. This is supposed to be a clandestine affair. You can't have a clandestine affair between three people!

Aunt Hortense:
[laughing] Oh, that's what you say!

Aunt Hortense:
[to Mimi] I do adore Paris. It's so much like chicago... It's such a relief when you travel to feel that you've never left home at all.

Mimi Glossop:
Would you mind moving your car? Or don't you want it anymore?