The George Carlin Show

Kathleen Rachowski:
[about their date at Fredo's] Do you think we can get in?

George O'Grady:
Oh, yeah, no problem. I'm good friends with a guy who might have shot someone there.

Harry Rossetti:
[having reserved a table at Fredo's for George's date] There is no way he can screw this up.

[George enters the bar wearing an olive green nehru jacket, beads, and a cross]

George O'Grady:
How do I look?

George O'Grady:
[about his friend wearing cowboy boots] The closest you ever got to a cow was when you stopped to take a wiz at a Dairy Queen.

[after a woman drops some of her groceries on the street]

George O'Grady:
Hey, lady, you dropped some of your stuff.

[George is offering to drive Beck to Connecticut]

Dr. Neil Beck:
You drive a cab?

George O'Grady:
People are always so surprised to hear that. Either they think it's a tragic waste of potential, or they can't believe I'm allowed to operate a big machine.

Dr. Neil Beck:
Well, for me, it's a little of both.

George O'Grady:
Really?

Dr. Neil Beck:
[sheepishly] No, it's mostly the machine thing.

Dr. Neil Beck:
There's nothing in life more awkward than obligatory conversation with hair stylists and cab drivers. No offense.

George O'Grady:
Yeah, thanks. Well, no offense, but there's nothing I find more awkward than humoring a schmuck.

George O'Grady:
[about a book George is interested in] Look at this title: "You Picked Me Up, Now Put Me Down."

Henry Nsnjama:
Yes, well, George, I take care of my steady customers. For you, I look out for UFOs, conspiracy theories, and cattle mutilations.

George O'Grady:
God, I love those cattle mutilations, Henry. Listen, I'm a little short of cash. You want to hang onto this for me, please?

Henry Nsnjama:
Oh, yes, George, I will try. But I can't make any promises. You are not the only nut in town, you know.

George O'Grady:
Maybe not, but I'm in the top three.