The Ghost Busters

[theme song]

Jake Kong, Eddie Spenser:
We're the Ghostbusters!

Eddie Spenser:
I'm Spencer/He's Tracy.

Jake Kong:
I'm Kong.

Jake Kong, Eddie Spenser:
We're the Ghostbusters/We're clever, courageous and strong!

Jake Kong:
What are you, mice or men?

[Tracy is suddenly holding a big piece of cheese] Will you cut that out?

Jake Kong:
[to Spenser] Gimme a pick.

Eddie Spenser:
[to Tracy] Give him a pick.

[Tracy hands Spenser a pick axe, who hands it to Kong]

Jake Kong:
[to Spenser] A lock pick, you clown!

Eddie Spenser:
[to Tracy] A lock pick, you clown!

Jake Kong:
Give my regards to the Sphinx!

Eddie Spenser:
Gee, this hangnail is really killin' me.

Jake Kong:
Well, why don't you see a doctor?

Eddie Spenser:
I did! Tracy took me to see his doctor.

Jake Kong:
Well, what did the doctor say?

Eddie Spenser:
Well, he said to eat twelve bananas and sleep in a tree. And come back in two weeks for the itching.

Jake Kong:
The itching?

Eddie Spenser:
Yeah. I picked up a couple fleas while I was lying on the examination table.

Dr. Frankenstein:
[Delighted to find a gullible fool at the door] Come in, my dear patsy, come in!

Eddie Spenser:
[Clueless] Not patsy, sir, Spencer. Eddie Spencer.

Eddie Spenser:
I feel like a telephone operator in the Empire State Building!

Tracy the Gorilla:
[Upset, waving arms, jumping up and down] Snort, grunt!

Jake Kong:
Don't mention the Empire State Building! His grandfather had a very unhappy occurrence there.

Eddie Spenser:
[Noticing Tracy back at his artist's easel] Uh oh, Rembrandt's at it again. I wonder what he's drawing this time.

Jake Kong:
Whatever it is, you don't have to worry about it ending up in a museum. As an artist, he makes a great cook.

Eddie Spenser:
Are you suggesting I ain't got no personality?

Jake Kong:
Well, let's put it like this: if personality was an outboard motor, you'd need a typhoon to sail across a raindrop.

Mr. Hyde:
This should get some action!

Dr. Jekyll:
What are you doing?

Mr. Hyde:
Well, I'm writing a letter to the animal society. I was down to the museum the other day, and you ought to see how they treat those dinosaurs. They looked like skeletons! Say, how do you spell "scrawny," with a deer or a buffalo?

Merlin:
That's the last time I buy a trick from a drawbridge-to-drawbridge salesman.

Merlin:
We gotta figure a way to get back. Our brother ghosts make a great audience for our magic act.

Gronk:
Yeah. Before us what was there? Nothing but harp combos!

Gronk:
[Flirting with the beautiful Morgan] Say, uh, if you're not doing nothing later, how about you and me splittin' a venison pizza and we'll take in a dragon slaying, huh?

Jake Kong:
How would you like a bent nose?

Gronk:
Hey, hey, that'd come in good for smelling around corners.

Jake Kong:
Are you sure you're not one of my partners?

Dr. Centigrade:
A nice night.

Abominable Snowman:
[Handing the Dr. a giant icicle] Grunt!

Dr. Centigrade:
I said a "nice night," not an "ice night," you freeze-dried nincompoop!

Dr. Centigrade:
Listen, you dunce!

Abominable Snowman:
[Begins to dance] Grunt!

Jake Kong:
[to Spencer and Tracy] I'll tell you one thing. You two clowns could win a lot of gold ribbons if you'd enter as dumbbells in the weightlifting contest.

Eddie Spenser:
[Telling Kong how Tracy won the big game for our side] Now get a load of this. Bottom of the ninth, scores one one. Two strikes on him, and he's facing Batfish Hunter.

Jake Kong:
Not THE Batfish? Well!

Eddie Spenser:
He's no bum! He swings at the next pitch and misses. He runs around the bases, and we win the game two to one!

Jake Kong:
[Puzzled] Wait a minute. If he swings and misses the third strike he's out.

Eddie Spenser:
Who's gonna tell him?

Jake Kong:
[attempting to use the Ghost Dematerializer] Hey, it ain't workin'! Must be somethin' wrong with the electrical motor.

Tracy the Gorilla:
[Reaches over and pulls a pair of red boxers out of the device] Snort!

Eddie Spenser:
No wonder it didn't work - it had a short in it!

Elmo:
Ah-Choo!

Phantom:
Have a cold?

Elmo:
No thanks, I already have one.

Phantom:
What are you taking for it?

Elmo:
Make me an offer.

Eddie Spenser:
I got showbiz on the brain!

Jake Kong:
Yeah, and you're playin' to an empty house.

Jake Kong:
[Spencer, Tracy and Kong, in straw hats with canes, sing and dance in unison] When we played the Palace we were stars upon the stage / we had them in the aisles twice a day / we got no time for ghosts 'cause we're the hit of both coasts / I'm Slapsie, I'm Maxie, I'm Nijinsky!

Eddie Spenser:
We knocked 'em dead in Podunk and in Osh Kosh we were tops / we packed 'em in in Walla Walla too / we ain't chasin' no ghosts 'cause we're the continent's toast / I'm Slapsie, I'm Maxie, I'm Nijinsky!

Phantom:
All of a sudden I ain't mad at Slapsie, Maxie and Nijinsky no more. Now I'm mad at people who go around bustin' ghosts. Let's get 'em!

Elmo:
One of these days I'm going to be able to pass a lap without sitting on it!

Eddie Spenser:
Sweepers! Man your poop decks!

Jake Kong:
Have you got a cold?

Big Al:
No, I've been drinking from a wet glass.

Jake Kong:
[Facing the identical Spencer and Big Al, trying to figure out who's who] Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?

Big Al:
[as Big Al] That's easy. President Ulysses S. Grant.

Big Al:
[as Spencer] Awww, I didn't even know he was sick.

Jake Kong:
Ah-ha! That's Spencer!

Jake Kong:
[Seeing Spencer is holding the Ghost Dematerializer] We got 'em now, Spence! Turn it on!

Eddie Spenser:
[Smiling to reveal his fangs] What do you mean "we," flat-tooth?

Eric, the Red:
[Entering the office, which Spencer is also using as a music school] We are the Vikings!

Eddie Spenser:
[Turns to Tracy] Must be a new rock group.

Eddie Spenser:
So, you don't think Trace knows anything about musical instruments, huh?

Jake Kong:
Well, let's put it this way: if trees were musical instruments, he'd have a tough time playing "Chopsticks" in the Black Forest.

Jake Kong:
[Watching Tracy attempt to play guitar by blowing into it] Oh, boy, do I want the rotten egg concession when he plays Carnegie Hall.

Billy the Kid:
How did you get the soup so hot when there ain't any flame in the fire?

Belle Starr:
Oh, that was easy. I left it on an hour longer.

Billy the Kid:
[Skeptical of Spencer and Kong, who are disguised as cowpokes hoping to join his gang] But I'm wonderin' whether or not you varmints are real, bona fidey cattle rustlers, now hear?

Jake Kong:
What? Two of the very best, partner, two of the very best! Why, more passels of cattle critters has been rustled by us than has been tumbleweeds rustled by a wind whippin' through the draw, whistlin' like a banshee on the prairie listenin' to a coyote a'whoopin' and a'hollerin' and lookin' at a full moon in the sky darker than a mule's mood, while a rattlesnake sashays on by lookin' for a gopher to spit on.

Billy the Kid:
Hah! Easy for you to say.

Jake Kong:
That's what you think.

Eddie Spenser:
This here's my family tree.

Jake Kong:
Oh, no, that can't be your family tree; it ain't got no nuts on it.

Jake Kong:
[Sophia is standing in the office] Trace, where are your manners? Get a chair for the old bat.

Jake Kong:
I don't ever want to hear another wolf howl in my life.

Eddie Spenser:
AROOO! AWHOOOOO!

Jake Kong:
[Kong and Tracy are both startled] What's that?

Eddie Spenser:
[Holding a photograph] Oh, I'm sorry, fellas. I was just lookin' at this picture of my girlfriend Mabel she sent me of her in her new truck driver's uniform. I love ya, Mabel. AWHOOOO!