The Golden Child

The Old Man:
Keep your thought as pure as the water.

Chandler Jarrell:
Hey, this water ain't really that pure.

The Old Man:
Un-heh, neither are you.

Kee Nang:
We'll be there soon.

Chandler Jarrell:
Yeah, well, ya' better have a spatula where we're goin' cause my ass is frozen to this yak.

Chandler Jarrell:
Hey Bird - Did you just see a little Hare-Krishna midget in the tree, floatin'?... Or is it me?

[the phone rings]

Chandler Jarrell:
It must be Rod Serling.

Chandler Jarrell:
Only a man whose heart is pure can wield the knife, and only a man whose ass is narrow can get down these steps. And if mine's is such an ass, then I shall have it.

Herb Shop Clerk:
Yak loin. Good to keep the Yang up.

Sardo Numspaa:
You've no idea who I am, have you?

Chandler Jarrell:
Yes. You're Sardo Numsie. Ha-ha-ha. Look, I don't care who you are. I do care that you kidnapped a little kid, though.

Sardo Numspaa:
I could destroy you... [Snaps fingers]... just like that.

Chandler Jarrell:
We wouldn't want that. Listen, bring me the boy, and I'll give you the knife. And then no one will have to be destroyed... [Snaps fingers]... jus' like that.

Chandler Jarrell:
Tell me about the Golden Child.

Kala:
Every thousand generations, a perfect child is born, a Golden Child. He has come to rescue us.

Chandler Jarrell:
Rescue us from what?

Kala:
From ourselves.

Chandler Jarrell:
Ah.

Kala:
He is the bringer of compassion. If he dies, compassion will die with him.

Chandler Jarrell:
So, if something happens to the kid, the whole world goes to hell?

Kala:
The world will become hell.

Chandler Jarrell:
So, tell me about this dream.

Kee Nang:
Some part's real, some part's dream.

Chandler Jarrell:
So this scar on my arm's real.

Kee Nang:
Right.

Chandler Jarrell:
What about Numsie?

Kee Nang:
Numspaa, Sardo Numspaa.

Chandler Jarrell:
Yeah.

Kee Nang:
He's very real.

Chandler Jarrell:
You know, you were there, and you said some things that seemed pretty real...

Kee Nang:
That part was dream!

Chandler Jarrell:
I was just checking.

Chandler Jarrell:
So, I gotta go to Tibet, because I'm the Chosen One. Why can't anybody choose me to go to the Bahamas?

[to the Golden Child]

Chandler Jarrell:
Hey, that's a neat trick you do, where somebody throws a rock at you and you wave your hand and make it hit something else. Did you ever hear of Ed McMahon and "Star Search"? Do they have "Star Search" in Tibet? Probably not. Probably got "Food Search." But you know what we could do, is we could all go on "Star Search" and we could give the audience rocks, and have them throw them at you, and then you can wave your hand and make them all hit Ed McMahon - hard.

[laughs]

Kee Nang:
[after shielding Chandler from Sardo's arrow, Kee confesses why she stayed with him before she dies] I didn't spend... the night with you to obligate you. I spent the night with you... because I love you.

Kee Nang:
Gompa, I have ruined myself with the American. He is a fool.

The Old Man:
But he's brave.

Kee Nang:
He is irresponsible.

The Old Man:
But he's generous.

Kee Nang:
He thinks of nothing but protecting his own feelings.

The Old Man:
But if you touch his heart, there's nothing he wouldn't do for you.

Kee Nang:
He believes in nothing.

The Old Man:
Yet, still he does what is right.

Kee Nang:
He is a callous, thoughtless, undisciplined fool.

The Old Man:
[chuckles] Yes. I, too, like him very much. It's very hard not to.

Chandler Jarrell:
I know this is a dream, so I can say anything I want and get away with it. So I think I will say, from my heart, kiss my ass. Kiss my ass!

[Chandler puckers up]

[Chandler sees a man reading a porno magazine]

Chandler Jarrell:
'Butt Pie' is a sequel to the bestseller 'Butt Cake.' A whole magazine of butt with cake all over it. [Reads the magazine title] 'Chunky Asses?' [laughs]

Kala:
Do you have any other questions?

Chandler Jarrell:
Well, yes, I do. What are you doing next week? Because your silhouette is kickin!

Sardo Numspaa:
I have been wanting to meet you, Mr. Yarrell.

Fu:
[Indescribable Tibetan language]

Chandler Jarrell:
Get your 'monkey' off my back.

Sardo Numspaa:
Of course. Fu, please retire.

Chandler Jarrell:
Yeah, Fu. Save it.

Chandler Jarrell:
My dear, sweet brother Numsie!

Chandler Jarrell:
I dont know, maybe he cut himself shaving and bled to death looking for a kleenex.

Chandler Jarrell:
They're not gonna let me on the plane with this 2 foot knife.

Kee Nang:
Yes they will.

Chandler Jarrell:
No they won't. I'm going to jail.

Chandler Jarrell:
Ha! I got the knife! Now turn on the goddamn lights!

Chandler Jarrell:
So, you're just gonna let that booger freeze up on your jacket like that?

Kee Nang:
She's over 300 years old.

Chandler Jarrell:
How do you manage something like that?

Kee Nang:
One of her ancestors was raped by a dragon.

Chandler Jarrell:
Does that happen a lot where you come from?