The Hangover

Phil:
Tracy, it's Phil.

Tracy:
Phil, where the hell are you guys? I'm freaking out.

Phil:
Yeah, listen. Uh... We f***ed up.

Tracy:
What are you talking about?

Phil:
The bachelor party-- The whole night-- Things got outta control, and, uh... We lost Doug.

Tracy:
What?

Phil:
We can't find Doug.

Tracy:
What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours!

Phil:
Yeah. That's not gonna happen.

Sid:
Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Doug:
Ah!

Sid:
Except for herpes. That sh*t'll come back with ya.

Alan:
I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.

Doug:
Okay. I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...

Alan:
Seriously. I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.

Doug:
What?

Alan:
You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.

Doug:
Okay. I got it. Thank you.

Alan:
No, thank you.

[the two future in-laws embrace]

Alan:
I love you so much.

Doug:
All good with Melissa?

Stu:
Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.

Phil:
Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years, and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?

Stu:
Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.

Phil:
Oh, so you can't go to Vegas, but she can f*** a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?

Stu:
Okay. First of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.

Phil:
And you believe that?

Stu:
Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

Alan:
I like to say somethin' that I prepared tonight.

Stu:
All right, Alan.

Alan:
[extracts a sheet of paper and presents his speech] Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife]

Stu:
What?!

Doug:
Whattaya got there?

[Alan tries to cut his palm, to the others' shock]

Phil:
What the f***?!

Doug:
What are you doin'?!

[Alan groans in pain]

Stu:
What is that?!

Alan:
Blood brothers.

Phil:
[sees Alan with his new satchel] You're not really wearin' that, are you?

Alan:
Wearin' what?

Phil:
The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just f***in' with me?

Alan:
It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a man purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

Phil:
So does Joy Behar.

Alan:
Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?

Phil:
Oh, f***! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the f*** did he get in there?

Stu:
I don't know, because I don't remember.

Phil:
Shh! Stu! Stu, keep it down.

Alan:
One of the side-effects of roofies is memory loss.

Stu:
You are literally too stupid to insult.

Phil:
All right. We got the money. 80 grand. Cash.

Chow:
Throw it over! Then I give you Doug.

Stu:
I'm sorry. First of all, good morning. We didn't catch your name last night.

Chow:
Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.

Stu:
Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, to verify that he's okay, if that's... that's cool.

Chow:
Of course, Stu. That is cool. [claps hands, and a man with a bag on his head is brought out of the car]

Stu:
[relieved] Oh! Okay.

Chow:
See? He fine. Now, gimme money, or I shoot him, and I shoot all you motherf***ers! And then we take it! Your choice, b*tches!

Melissa:
I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in.

Stu:
That's 'cause we didn't go to Napa.

Melissa:
Stu, what the f*** is going on?

Stu:
We went to Las Vegas.

Melissa:
Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go Las Vegas?

Stu:
'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.

Melissa:
Uh-huh?

Stu:
Yeah.

Melissa:
That's not what you do.

Stu:
Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.

Melissa:
That is not how this works!

Stu:
Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!

Melissa:
Oh, really?

Stu:
Yeah!

Melissa:
Since when?!

Stu:
Since you f***ed that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!!

Alan:
You told me it was a bartender.

Stu:
Oh. You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You f***ed a bartender.

Melissa:
You're an idiot.

Stu:
You're a-- You... [struggles] You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

Some guys just can't handle Vegas

Whose baby is this?

Am I missing a tooth?

I stole a police car?!

What happened last night?

Where the hell is my tiger?

Have you seen this man?

Easy, tiger!

You mess with the wrong guy.

Well, technically, I'm an escort.