The Happiest Millionaire

John Lawless:
Now there's a gorgeous sight! Are you getting ready for a party, Mrs. Worth?

Mrs. Worth:
[seriously] No, Mr. Biddle's on a chocolate cake diet.

John Lawless:
I beg your pardon?

Mrs. Worth:
He says it's the perfect food, containing "every essential element."

John Lawless:
[singing] The night before I sailed away, they come from far and near. All me friends, and all me kin, to share a partin' tear. We knew we'd never meet again, and yet 'twas clear to see, I'd always be a part o' them, and them a part of me! I'll always be Irish, 'cause that's 'ow I began! I'll always be Irish, I'll say that to any man! And when I'm an American, I'll be a good one too... I'll be truly as American as Irish stew!

[the alligators are frozen solid in their pools]

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
[panicking] JOHN! My alligators! Look at my alligators! JOHN!

John Lawless:
Yes, sir, you yelled, sir? [sees the alligators, rushes to help]

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
[closing windows] Why are these windows open?

John Lawless:
[also closing windows] Must've been the new maid, sir.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
WHAT new maid?

Mrs. Cordelia Biddle:
Her name is Florence, dear, she started this afternoon.

John Lawless:
She was complaining about the smell.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
What smell?

John Lawless:
Well, the alligators, they do have a certain...

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
[threateningly] WHAT? [John looks at Mrs. Biddle for help]

Mrs. Cordelia Biddle:
[soothingly] We're accustomed to it, dear.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
Oh.

John Lawless:
[closing the last window] She probably decided to give the room an airing, and forgot to close up again.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
[angrily] Well, of all the stupid, idiotic... Get an axe!

Mrs. Cordelia Biddle:
[shocked] Anthony!

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
Not for Florence, for the alligators! Maybe they're still alive in there, we'll chop 'em out!

[first lines]

John Lawless:
[singing] Well now, ain't this an elegant neighborhood, all the residents dressed so fine! One day off the boat am I, with a job that's nearly mine! 'Tis a job with an elegant millionaire, and his elegant family! Today I move from immigrant - to high society!

Mrs. Cordelia Biddle:
Where did you meet this young man, Cordy?

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
At a party aunt Gladys and uncle Phil gave. I wrote you about it...

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
You didn't write us about getting married!

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
Well, Papa, he didn't *ask* me until today!

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
What took him so long?

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
[singing] I've been bit on my finger! It could've been my leg! It could've been my head, I might've died! In a time of mortal peril, any man should expect that his family will come rushing to his side! What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? My family rushing to my side, what's wrong with that?

John Lawless:
[confused] Oh, not a thing, sir, I'm sure.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
[singing] I'm a good-hearted husband, I'm generous and kind, no wife could have a life as free of cares! So when a good-hearted husband has been bit, it's only right, that his wife should share the agony he bears! What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? I want my wife to share my life, what's wrong with that? [walks away] Cordelia!

John Lawless:
[to the audience] Well now, that answers a whole slew o' questions, don't it?

Angie Duke:
[singing] Are we dancing, are we really here? Is this feeling something real, or will it disappear? Are we dancing, does the music soar? Was this lovely song I hear, ever heard before? Are your eyes confessing things I alone can see? Or is my imagination flying away with me? Are we dancing? Say, we really are! Then I'll know that I, reached into the sky, I reached into the sky, and touched a star!

[looking at the alligator bite on Mr. Biddle's finger]

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
What were you doing shaving at this hour of the day?

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
I haven't been shaving! And since when do I shave my finger?

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
Well, you don't shave your ear either, but last week you cut it.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
That's different, the ear is in the general vicinity of the face!

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
Well, so's the finger when you're shaving!

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
It's a *bite*, blast it!

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
No!

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
Yes!

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
Who?

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
George! Turned on me just like that, after all these years!

Angie Duke:
Cordy, you and I are going to elope!

Mrs. Duke:
Over my dead body!

Angie Duke:
Only if absolutely necessary, Mother.

[Mr. Biddle has challenged the visiting Marines to a boxing match]

Aunt Mary Drexel:
It looks as though Anthony might learn an interesting lesson this evening. I'm half tempted to go out there and watch.

Mrs. Cordelia Biddle:
Aunt Mary! You forget that Anthony has boxed with champions.

Aunt Mary Drexel:
But they were friends, Cordelia, and professionals. These men are not friends, and there is nothing so dangerous as the inspired amateur.

Mrs. Duke:
[singing] There are those whose social standing is constantly demanding. Every single thing we do, the public knows... Then there is a lower strata, where propriety doesn't matter. I suppose, there are those, there are those.

Aunt Mary Drexel:
[singing] There are those to whom position is a natural born condition, to be worn with ease like comfortable old clothes. Though the nouveau riche deny it, all their money cannot buy it! Class will out. Goodness knows, but there are those.

Mrs. Duke:
There are those who grace the pages of the blue book.

Aunt Mary Drexel:
Never heard of it. Is it a new book?

Mrs. Duke:
Simply anybody who *is* anybody is listed.

Aunt Mary Drexel:
Oh, you mean the New York telephone directory.

[last lines]

Woman on street #1:
[about the celebration inside the Biddle house] What on Earth's happening here now?

Woman on street #2:
I understand Mr. Biddle is going off to war.

Woman on street #1:
I'm glad to hear it. Maybe we'll *finally* have some peace around *here*.

Angie Duke:
[singing] There's a shining city, west of here, where dreams are booming into gear... It's no humdrum nine-to-five town; it's a growing, going, bright-alive town! Golden sparks light up the skies there, like a thousand Fourth-of-Julys there! How I want to stake a claim in, roll my sleeves and make a name in... Detroit!

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
Detroit?

Angie Duke:
Michigan! [sings] You can hear it humming, see it coming, feel it everywhere you go! It's tomorrow morning, the future dawning with a bright and shining glow! It's a land where golden chariots are molded out of dreams... Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! Detroit! It's Detroit!

John Lawless:
[singing] Well well well, let's 'ave a drink on it, as me father used to say! When the truth is nobly spoken, it's respect ye've got to pay! So fill yer cup an' lift it up and *clink*, here's how! No shilly-shallyin', no dilly-dallyin', let's 'ave a drink on it now!

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
[singing to her reflection] Oh, Miss Cordelia Drexel Biddle, I thought I knew you well! But now, Miss Cordelia Drexel Biddle, I just can't tell. Are you Valentine candy, or boxing gloves? Lately you seem very strange... What in the world's coming over you? Everything's starting to change. Are you sonnets by Shelley, or rover boys? Once, any answer would do... Why are you suddenly wondering, which kind of someone are you? Is a boy meant to spar with, or gaze at a star with? Should you kiss him, or blacken his eye? Now if he buys you roses, a right to the nose is really not quite the proper reply... You're so lost in the middle of in-between. Is your destiny canvas, or cr?pe de Chine? Will you someday be someone that somebody loves? Are you Valentine candy... or boxing gloves?

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
Oh, no, I'm not getting married! [runs out of room]

Angie Duke:
Then I'm not either!

Angie Duke:
I don't like these pushy girls who think they can trap any man with a big act.

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
But you saw me practicing. Didn't that scare you away?

Angie Duke:
No. You were so bad at it.

John Lawless:
[to camera] To have your alligators thaw out and your daughter forgive you all in the same bright morning, that's fortuosity.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
[peering quizzically into the camera] John?

John Lawless:
Sir?

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
Who are you talking to?

John Lawless:
No one, sir.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
Well you know what they say about people who talk to themselves. [starts to walk away then turn and peers at the camera again]

John Lawless:
[winks at the camera]

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
Cordelia, sometimes you amaze me!

Mrs. Cordelia Biddle:
Well, I hope so, Anthony.

Mrs. Cordelia Biddle:
[coming into the hall and seeing Anthony on the floor after he's been knocked over by a maid fleeing from the alligators] Anthony, what are you doing down there?

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
The girl's crazy! The stuff she uses to color her hair, must have gone to her brain!

Mrs. Worth:
[to George the alligator] Big ugly beast! You'd be a handbag if I had my way.

[Mr. Biddle pulls Cordy into a jig with John]

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
[surprised] Papa! I thought you didn't like dancing!

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
Nah, it's that waltzing stuff I don't like! The waltz is for old people!

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
[a waltz starts] Oh, it's a waltz. The waltz is for old people.

Angie Duke:
Oh is it? [he pulls Cordy into the dance; they sweep elegantly across the floor and end up on the balcony] I don't think the waltz is for old people.

Miss Cordelia Biddle:
I was just saying something somebody told me.

Anthony J. Drexel Biddle:
[after George bites him] I don't know what got into him.

Aunt Mary Drexel:
Quite obviously, your finger got into him.

John Lawless:
Every bit of life is lit by fortuosity!